When I was 13, I made up my own word - quatumpulis. It means feeling a million things at once, all different feelings. Happy, sad, mad, hurt, excited, distracted, smitten, giddy, afraid, drained, cautious, stupid, silly, serious, stressed... any combination, but it would explain that feeling that is so many at once.
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'm feeling quatumpulis."
Ah, that word that I made up so clearly describes how I feel right now. The irony of that sentence is that nothing is clear about that word or the feelings it describes. So, it's ironic.
I'm stressed about finding a new car and about applying to a school for photography.
I'm excited about the thought of going back to school for photography.
I'm worried about money.
I'm sad because I miss some people and friends.
I'm happy because I have amazing friends who fill my life with joy.
I'm hurting because ____________ (yeah, I'm not writing that here).
I'm at peace because I know God's plan is bigger than mine, despite my squirming and complaining in the process.
I'm thankful for my parents who help me out when I need it, let me share their car, and love me all the time.
I'm mad when I mess up, when I get too emotional about things, or when I can't say to myself, "I don't care," and then let things drift away from my mind and not let it eat me up.
I'm drained from the monotony of work.
I feel stupid because ___________.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Dreams. Part two.
One of the questions in the book, "You Were Made For A God-Sized Dream," by Holley Gerth as I mentioned in my previous post, was something along the lines of: Allow yourself to think big for a moment. Don't think that you don't have enough money, enough talent, enough resources, or that it wouldn't be possible. Just think big. What would be the biggest dream you could think of? Ok, got it? Now, what would be the very first step in getting there from where you are now?
I looked at my list of interests and talents. While they were long, I didn't see any being plausible or worth pursing as a career. Finally, the only one I could think of to the first part of that question, as big as I could think, was, "It would be cool to take pictures for National Geographic, sometimes traveling the world, and sometimes staying local. To be paid to walk through the streets of a foreign country, tropical beaches, or snowy mountains, and just take hundreds of pictures? I mean, who HAS that job?! How the heck do they get that??"
When I was 7 I had a black plastic camera where you had to scroll the wheel in between each picture to advance the film, you had to turn on the flash and let it "warm up," and the back opened up to take out the film. It took like a week or something for the film to be developed at the store. In middle school and most of high school, I used disposable cameras. I could get the picture back in two days, and then you could pay extra for them to get it back in an hour or two, and I always wanted to pay extra. I also always wanted doubles of my pictures, so I could put one set in a photo album, and the other I could cut up and put on my bulletin board, locker, notebook, etc. I didn't get my first digital camera until I was 17, Christmas of my senior year.
In August of 2012, my friend Michael asked me to come on a youth trip with them to a camp called Sharp Top Cove, to take pictures for the weekend for the entire camp. I forget how many kids were there, but I'm going to guess at about 500? Anyways, I knew my camera was good, but not that good, and I wanted it to be amazing photography. I wanted to aim high. So I asked another friend, Chris, if I could borrow his majorly expensive camera and it's multiple lenses. I was actually surprised he said yes because I hadn't known him all that long. So I went and shot pictures the whole weekend, handing over the best pictures every so often throughout the weekend so they could put it in a slideshow for the kids to see (6th-12th grade). It was such a cool experience, being the main photographer. It was then I thought, maybe I want to do this all the time. But I don't know how.
So I guess you could say for 16 months I looked for jobs in photography, but not the entire time because it was discouraging. I looked for other jobs too, but nothing came up. Finally, a week before Thanksgiving, I met someone who works with Chick-fil-a corporate and I asked him who takes their pictures? He said, "We get interns sometimes from schools in Atlanta, like SCAD, and we also have this other guy we have hired." Oh, SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design) is like a million dollars. Cool. Like I have that kind of money. I searched for other schools in the Atlanta area that had photography programs though, and came up with three. I went and visited two last week and I think I'm going to one and start in April because it's on the quarter system. I hope I get in.
I am worried about money, debt, working less, time management, being good enough... but my excitement is equal to it, so I'm ok. I've heard stories of the people who come out of those schools, and they go on to do amazing and huge things! Two years is nothin' compared to my 5 in undergrad! Right? Right. I hope to make new friends that I keep in touch with for a long time, I know I'll learn a ton, and I hope that God will then lead me on to a great job.
I looked at my list of interests and talents. While they were long, I didn't see any being plausible or worth pursing as a career. Finally, the only one I could think of to the first part of that question, as big as I could think, was, "It would be cool to take pictures for National Geographic, sometimes traveling the world, and sometimes staying local. To be paid to walk through the streets of a foreign country, tropical beaches, or snowy mountains, and just take hundreds of pictures? I mean, who HAS that job?! How the heck do they get that??"
When I was 7 I had a black plastic camera where you had to scroll the wheel in between each picture to advance the film, you had to turn on the flash and let it "warm up," and the back opened up to take out the film. It took like a week or something for the film to be developed at the store. In middle school and most of high school, I used disposable cameras. I could get the picture back in two days, and then you could pay extra for them to get it back in an hour or two, and I always wanted to pay extra. I also always wanted doubles of my pictures, so I could put one set in a photo album, and the other I could cut up and put on my bulletin board, locker, notebook, etc. I didn't get my first digital camera until I was 17, Christmas of my senior year.
In August of 2012, my friend Michael asked me to come on a youth trip with them to a camp called Sharp Top Cove, to take pictures for the weekend for the entire camp. I forget how many kids were there, but I'm going to guess at about 500? Anyways, I knew my camera was good, but not that good, and I wanted it to be amazing photography. I wanted to aim high. So I asked another friend, Chris, if I could borrow his majorly expensive camera and it's multiple lenses. I was actually surprised he said yes because I hadn't known him all that long. So I went and shot pictures the whole weekend, handing over the best pictures every so often throughout the weekend so they could put it in a slideshow for the kids to see (6th-12th grade). It was such a cool experience, being the main photographer. It was then I thought, maybe I want to do this all the time. But I don't know how.
So I guess you could say for 16 months I looked for jobs in photography, but not the entire time because it was discouraging. I looked for other jobs too, but nothing came up. Finally, a week before Thanksgiving, I met someone who works with Chick-fil-a corporate and I asked him who takes their pictures? He said, "We get interns sometimes from schools in Atlanta, like SCAD, and we also have this other guy we have hired." Oh, SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design) is like a million dollars. Cool. Like I have that kind of money. I searched for other schools in the Atlanta area that had photography programs though, and came up with three. I went and visited two last week and I think I'm going to one and start in April because it's on the quarter system. I hope I get in.
I am worried about money, debt, working less, time management, being good enough... but my excitement is equal to it, so I'm ok. I've heard stories of the people who come out of those schools, and they go on to do amazing and huge things! Two years is nothin' compared to my 5 in undergrad! Right? Right. I hope to make new friends that I keep in touch with for a long time, I know I'll learn a ton, and I hope that God will then lead me on to a great job.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Dreams. Part one.
I started reading this book at the end of January 2013 called, "You're Made for a God-Sized Dream," by Holley Gerth. I picked it up at the Christian bookstore because I seemed to lack dreams and direction. There were specific questions in the book that really inspired me. I'm not writing them down in this blog, but other things that were awesome.
The book started off by saying that the size of the dream isn't what matters, it's about how God made the dream to fit your heart. The following is directly from the book but just taking a few sentences out of each one.
Five Lies That Keep Us From Dreaming
1. Dreaming is selfish. The enemy knows that it's often one little word that can stop our dreaming in its tracks: selfish. Your dreams, your desires, your hopes are not selfish when they are from God's heart and in his hands. The people in your life may not always like that you're following your dream. You don't have to make everyone in your life happy - the only thing you must do is be obedient.
2. I don't have what it takes. It seems as soon as we give ourselves permission to dream, comparison is nipping at our heels. We look around and see others who are better, skinnier, more eloquent than us. Before we even get started, we disqualify ourselves. He doesn't want you to be a "me too" when it comes to your dreams. He wants the one, original you whom he created to do exactly what he made you alone to do.
3. It's too late. It's only too late for our dreams when we decide to write, "The End" on our stories and close the book. As an anonymous quote my mom has on her refrigerator reads, "Never place a period where God has placed a comma."
4. I don't deserve to dream. You have not been disqualified from dreaming. No matter what you've done. No matter what choices you've made. Dreams are about the future. You are forgiven.
5. I don't have time. If the enemy can't make us deny our dreams, then it seems the next tactic is to make us delay them. Yes, there are seasons for waiting and being still because that's what God has asked us to do. I'm not talking about those. I'm speaking of the seasons when we let procrastination get the best of us (and we all do sometimes).
Other things from the book that rocked:
"Let me tell you a secret: your dream will not fill you up. Yes, there will be some wonderful moments. Yes, there will be joy along the way. But it will also be hard, even exhausting, and push you to your limits at times."
"God-sized dreamers are positive people. Not the pie-in-the-sky-everything-is-perfect kind. Not the slap-on-silly-grin type. I mean true optimists. The kind who can maintain a realistic, resilient belief even in the middle of difficult circumstances. You are one of those people. You may have even had others teas you a bit about it. But let me tell you, being a true optimist in the world today is no small feat. Optimism doesn't come naturally to any of us. We're simply not wired that way. If you choose to focus on what is good, true, and lovely, then you've mad a deliberate choice to do so."
"Your most valuable asset as a God-sized dreamer isn't the plans you make or the connections you have. It's not the talents you posses or the experiences you can list. It's your heart. That's where the One who gives you dreams and makes them come true dwells. It's where you hear his voice and learn to follow faithfully. It's where you love, which is the most beautiful dream of all. Guard your heart like you would a priceless treasure. It's of great worth and can't be replaced by anyone or anything."
Part two of this blog will follow soon. :-)
The book started off by saying that the size of the dream isn't what matters, it's about how God made the dream to fit your heart. The following is directly from the book but just taking a few sentences out of each one.
Five Lies That Keep Us From Dreaming
1. Dreaming is selfish. The enemy knows that it's often one little word that can stop our dreaming in its tracks: selfish. Your dreams, your desires, your hopes are not selfish when they are from God's heart and in his hands. The people in your life may not always like that you're following your dream. You don't have to make everyone in your life happy - the only thing you must do is be obedient.
2. I don't have what it takes. It seems as soon as we give ourselves permission to dream, comparison is nipping at our heels. We look around and see others who are better, skinnier, more eloquent than us. Before we even get started, we disqualify ourselves. He doesn't want you to be a "me too" when it comes to your dreams. He wants the one, original you whom he created to do exactly what he made you alone to do.
3. It's too late. It's only too late for our dreams when we decide to write, "The End" on our stories and close the book. As an anonymous quote my mom has on her refrigerator reads, "Never place a period where God has placed a comma."
4. I don't deserve to dream. You have not been disqualified from dreaming. No matter what you've done. No matter what choices you've made. Dreams are about the future. You are forgiven.
5. I don't have time. If the enemy can't make us deny our dreams, then it seems the next tactic is to make us delay them. Yes, there are seasons for waiting and being still because that's what God has asked us to do. I'm not talking about those. I'm speaking of the seasons when we let procrastination get the best of us (and we all do sometimes).
Other things from the book that rocked:
"Let me tell you a secret: your dream will not fill you up. Yes, there will be some wonderful moments. Yes, there will be joy along the way. But it will also be hard, even exhausting, and push you to your limits at times."
"God-sized dreamers are positive people. Not the pie-in-the-sky-everything-is-perfect kind. Not the slap-on-silly-grin type. I mean true optimists. The kind who can maintain a realistic, resilient belief even in the middle of difficult circumstances. You are one of those people. You may have even had others teas you a bit about it. But let me tell you, being a true optimist in the world today is no small feat. Optimism doesn't come naturally to any of us. We're simply not wired that way. If you choose to focus on what is good, true, and lovely, then you've mad a deliberate choice to do so."
"Your most valuable asset as a God-sized dreamer isn't the plans you make or the connections you have. It's not the talents you posses or the experiences you can list. It's your heart. That's where the One who gives you dreams and makes them come true dwells. It's where you hear his voice and learn to follow faithfully. It's where you love, which is the most beautiful dream of all. Guard your heart like you would a priceless treasure. It's of great worth and can't be replaced by anyone or anything."
Part two of this blog will follow soon. :-)
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Huge
Things that are big deals
Change with age,
With time,
With circumstances,
And with growth as a person.
So here it goes.
Opening presents on Christmas day or your birthday
Getting 10 extra minutes on the playground
Class parties with cookies and decorations, valentines from friends, and hugs all around
That boy circling "no" when you send him a note to ask if he likes you
Insults about your handwriting, your clothes, your personality
Sleepovers
Having a best friend to do everything with
Playing piano for the 5th grade talent show
Getting glasses
Saying goodbye to friends and teachers as middle school looms ahead
Growing apart from your elementary best friend "forever"
Struggling with school for the first time
Being made fun of left and right
Youth group events, lock-ins, and trips
Having no friends in school
Eating lunch in the bathroom at school every day for a year
Feeling depressed but not sure why
Getting contacts
Fighting for first chair in the clarinet section and always coming up at second
Having teachers who care and encourage and pour into you, making you feel hopeful
The fear that high school could be worse than middle school
A group of friends through thick and thin
Teachers that meant the world to me
Getting my license
Going on trips and competitions with chorus
Singing the National Anthem at graduation all 4 years
Not having a date for prom and literally being the 9th wheel in the group
Having someone sweet enough to anonymously pay for my way to prom
Wishing I had a boyfriend
More amazing youth trips and events
First jobs that sucked
Saying goodbye to my best friends
Not getting into the college I wanted to
Living on my own with a roommate for two years in a cute house that I adored
Occurring debt but not really caring
Hating classes and homework, drowning in the amount of work
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Falling in love with guys who didn't love me back
Graduating
Discovering at the end of college that I didn't want to teach and standing with a blank canvas of life ahead of me
Going to Kenya twice and returning home with a new perspective on life
Turning 21
Single and hating it
Going to weddings and baby showers for friends, bittersweet
Watching guys I used to like go on to date and marry other people
Moving back home
Finding a bible study group and friends towards the end of college that changed my life
Paying off debt
Job searching
Feeling trapped in a job
Uncertain of anything with no end to anything
Transitions between churches and serving
Searching for a new job / career path
Stupid mistakes and decisions and choices
Paying off debt but maybe getting more soon
Still single... still hating it
Breaking the monotony of life to pursue a dream that could flop or fail or blow up in my face
Praying that He lead me because I am unsure of where I am going
Moving on from things and situations that aren't good
A mission trip to Slovakia
Learning when to let myself feel and hurt, and when to push the feelings away and move on
Feeling worn down from coworkers words and attitudes towards me, and praying God gives me strength to love them and turn the other cheek
Change with age,
With time,
With circumstances,
And with growth as a person.
So here it goes.
Opening presents on Christmas day or your birthday
Getting 10 extra minutes on the playground
Class parties with cookies and decorations, valentines from friends, and hugs all around
That boy circling "no" when you send him a note to ask if he likes you
Insults about your handwriting, your clothes, your personality
Sleepovers
Having a best friend to do everything with
Playing piano for the 5th grade talent show
Getting glasses
Saying goodbye to friends and teachers as middle school looms ahead
Growing apart from your elementary best friend "forever"
Struggling with school for the first time
Being made fun of left and right
Youth group events, lock-ins, and trips
Having no friends in school
Eating lunch in the bathroom at school every day for a year
Feeling depressed but not sure why
Getting contacts
Fighting for first chair in the clarinet section and always coming up at second
Having teachers who care and encourage and pour into you, making you feel hopeful
The fear that high school could be worse than middle school
A group of friends through thick and thin
Teachers that meant the world to me
Getting my license
Going on trips and competitions with chorus
Singing the National Anthem at graduation all 4 years
Not having a date for prom and literally being the 9th wheel in the group
Having someone sweet enough to anonymously pay for my way to prom
Wishing I had a boyfriend
More amazing youth trips and events
First jobs that sucked
Saying goodbye to my best friends
Not getting into the college I wanted to
Living on my own with a roommate for two years in a cute house that I adored
Occurring debt but not really caring
Hating classes and homework, drowning in the amount of work
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Falling in love with guys who didn't love me back
Graduating
Discovering at the end of college that I didn't want to teach and standing with a blank canvas of life ahead of me
Going to Kenya twice and returning home with a new perspective on life
Turning 21
Single and hating it
Going to weddings and baby showers for friends, bittersweet
Watching guys I used to like go on to date and marry other people
Moving back home
Finding a bible study group and friends towards the end of college that changed my life
Paying off debt
Job searching
Feeling trapped in a job
Uncertain of anything with no end to anything
Transitions between churches and serving
Searching for a new job / career path
Stupid mistakes and decisions and choices
Paying off debt but maybe getting more soon
Still single... still hating it
Breaking the monotony of life to pursue a dream that could flop or fail or blow up in my face
Praying that He lead me because I am unsure of where I am going
Moving on from things and situations that aren't good
A mission trip to Slovakia
Learning when to let myself feel and hurt, and when to push the feelings away and move on
Feeling worn down from coworkers words and attitudes towards me, and praying God gives me strength to love them and turn the other cheek
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Who do you think you are?
Day number 500 of my job search. I don't know what key words to use. I can hardly find jobs that don't require a specific degree - that I don't have. I feel like actually getting a job with photography is a joke when I can't even find a decent office job or something that pays more than $9 an hour. There come moments when I think, "GOD! You are the God of the impossible, You can do all things and I need your help! Why are you not helping me?!" The thought of ever making enough money to live on my own is unfathomable. The thought of driving a car that is newer than 15 years old is absurd.
Amongst my prayers for myself, I have friends who also need God to come through in a big way. And days go by.
I feel like when I pray about things that matter to me or job search, this deep sadness comes over me. This hopeless feeling that I don't want to deal with, so I just stop job searching and let more time pass. And the same goes for prayers that I don't see an answer to, or is a flat out no. Sometimes I feel like if I just don't pray about it, and try not to think about it, then I can get by without hurting so much.
Is that what life is about? Just getting by? When you catch up with a friend after months and your reply to, "What's new?" is "Oh, you know, just working," you think to yourself, "Oh God, what am I doing with my life?"
And sometimes God taps me on the shoulder and says, "You have a roof over your head, parents who love you, running water in your house, heat and air, a car that runs, and a job that allows you to reach the unreached people. You are not living in a mud hut in Africa with family members dying from the common cold. You are not living in a land where you are persecuted and put in jail and beaten for worshiping me. You are not living in jail with a life sentence. And you're complaining why?" As Job complained and called out to God, His response was not reasons why Job was going through his trials, but chapters of God saying, "Who do you think you are? I am GOD, who created everything, and love you with more love than you can imagine! I gave you life! I give and I take away! Your circumstances do not change my love for you, and I know what I am doing!" Ultimately, Job went through what he did so that the rest of all mankind for as long as earth is around, could read about His life, and God's response. Wow! That alone would be a good enough reason, but Job was never given a reason. I may never be given reasons for things in life. But God is still faithful.
Tonight I tried to search some more for jobs, and ended up crying again. But not just because of that, but because there are things even bigger than that that I wish God would work on in my life and in the lives of people I love. I leaned back against the wall and thought about taking another nap, despite it being 10:30 PM, but as I listened to some Christmas music with facebook staring at me from the computer screen, I thought: What if I prayed and listened to God more than I spent time on facebook? In lines when I'm waiting, on breaks at work, when I'm bored or awkwardly waiting for something out in public, when I'm at home... Do you think that I would see God more if I spent more time in His presence? Is He saying to me, "Jennifer, I want to answer your prayers, but You're not listening. I can't guide You in a direction or change the desires of your heart to match mine because You are too busy filling it with unimportant things." Is He waiting for me to turn to Him with urgency and pray with my heart for the things I truly want in my life and others so that He can see that I trust Him more than just a half-hearted prayer? Is His answer, "Not yet" because I don't expect His power to come through in situations?
Can you imagine standing in heaven and God saying, "Alright, your total time of watching TV is ____ years. Your total time of being on the internet is _____ years. Your total time of playing games is _____years. My child, do you know what more could have been done for My Kingdom if those years of time had been spent seeking me and then responding to me, going out and using what I gave you to glorify me and tell the world about me? Instead you chose these idols, these distractions from satan, to waste your time on. Why would I have entrusted you with more if you I couldn't trust you with little?"
I started off this post to vent and wrestle with what is going on in my heart. And as I wrote, God reminded me of all of the rest of what I wrote. I am thankful He helps me process and think through writing because it is a reminder to come back to on days when I get off track again. It's time that things change. It's time that I run after God with all that I am. I haven't been running away, but merely sitting still and lazy. Like exercise, if you don't do it for a while and then start up again, it will be hard and painful and tiring. But nothing else in all eternity is more important than running towards God despite the pain of hearing God say no sometimes, or asking Him why He has not come through on something.
Amongst my prayers for myself, I have friends who also need God to come through in a big way. And days go by.
I feel like when I pray about things that matter to me or job search, this deep sadness comes over me. This hopeless feeling that I don't want to deal with, so I just stop job searching and let more time pass. And the same goes for prayers that I don't see an answer to, or is a flat out no. Sometimes I feel like if I just don't pray about it, and try not to think about it, then I can get by without hurting so much.
Is that what life is about? Just getting by? When you catch up with a friend after months and your reply to, "What's new?" is "Oh, you know, just working," you think to yourself, "Oh God, what am I doing with my life?"
And sometimes God taps me on the shoulder and says, "You have a roof over your head, parents who love you, running water in your house, heat and air, a car that runs, and a job that allows you to reach the unreached people. You are not living in a mud hut in Africa with family members dying from the common cold. You are not living in a land where you are persecuted and put in jail and beaten for worshiping me. You are not living in jail with a life sentence. And you're complaining why?" As Job complained and called out to God, His response was not reasons why Job was going through his trials, but chapters of God saying, "Who do you think you are? I am GOD, who created everything, and love you with more love than you can imagine! I gave you life! I give and I take away! Your circumstances do not change my love for you, and I know what I am doing!" Ultimately, Job went through what he did so that the rest of all mankind for as long as earth is around, could read about His life, and God's response. Wow! That alone would be a good enough reason, but Job was never given a reason. I may never be given reasons for things in life. But God is still faithful.
Tonight I tried to search some more for jobs, and ended up crying again. But not just because of that, but because there are things even bigger than that that I wish God would work on in my life and in the lives of people I love. I leaned back against the wall and thought about taking another nap, despite it being 10:30 PM, but as I listened to some Christmas music with facebook staring at me from the computer screen, I thought: What if I prayed and listened to God more than I spent time on facebook? In lines when I'm waiting, on breaks at work, when I'm bored or awkwardly waiting for something out in public, when I'm at home... Do you think that I would see God more if I spent more time in His presence? Is He saying to me, "Jennifer, I want to answer your prayers, but You're not listening. I can't guide You in a direction or change the desires of your heart to match mine because You are too busy filling it with unimportant things." Is He waiting for me to turn to Him with urgency and pray with my heart for the things I truly want in my life and others so that He can see that I trust Him more than just a half-hearted prayer? Is His answer, "Not yet" because I don't expect His power to come through in situations?
Can you imagine standing in heaven and God saying, "Alright, your total time of watching TV is ____ years. Your total time of being on the internet is _____ years. Your total time of playing games is _____years. My child, do you know what more could have been done for My Kingdom if those years of time had been spent seeking me and then responding to me, going out and using what I gave you to glorify me and tell the world about me? Instead you chose these idols, these distractions from satan, to waste your time on. Why would I have entrusted you with more if you I couldn't trust you with little?"
I started off this post to vent and wrestle with what is going on in my heart. And as I wrote, God reminded me of all of the rest of what I wrote. I am thankful He helps me process and think through writing because it is a reminder to come back to on days when I get off track again. It's time that things change. It's time that I run after God with all that I am. I haven't been running away, but merely sitting still and lazy. Like exercise, if you don't do it for a while and then start up again, it will be hard and painful and tiring. But nothing else in all eternity is more important than running towards God despite the pain of hearing God say no sometimes, or asking Him why He has not come through on something.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Time's up
That moment when you're teetering on the edge of two decisions, when you're walking on the fence and it's time to jump to one side or the other... or fall to one side or the other because here comes the wind and it's blowing...
And you're like, "Why did I even get up on this fence in the first place?"
Either one is going to be a smack in the face - neither side that I fall on will be a pretty fall. It will be the kind that smashes hearts and dropkicks feelings and enlarges insecurities. Because this fence isn't a short one, close to the ground like a fence between two yards in a neighborhood, it's a fence that rises high. I keep looking for a way down gracefully, with my heart in tact, but it's not a chain linked fence, there is no other way down.
Part of me thinks, "The sooner the better. Bring it."
It's a time when I'm not sure what to pray for, I am at a loss for words. Sure, I can whine and complain about unfair things are or how emotional I am, but God's heard it. I can't pray with certainty on which way I should fall, because I don't even know. I guess I am praying that God would let circumstances push me to one side or the other, that He would lead me in a way that I cannot chose on my own.
Yes, this is all cryptic and vague - but I have to write about it. I have to get it out, I have to process it. And in some ways, I'm sure if someone reads this they can relate to a similar situation in their head and think, "Yes! That's how I feel about ______."
Maybe in a year I will read this back and think, "Whew, glad that's over."
And you're like, "Why did I even get up on this fence in the first place?"
Either one is going to be a smack in the face - neither side that I fall on will be a pretty fall. It will be the kind that smashes hearts and dropkicks feelings and enlarges insecurities. Because this fence isn't a short one, close to the ground like a fence between two yards in a neighborhood, it's a fence that rises high. I keep looking for a way down gracefully, with my heart in tact, but it's not a chain linked fence, there is no other way down.
Part of me thinks, "The sooner the better. Bring it."
It's a time when I'm not sure what to pray for, I am at a loss for words. Sure, I can whine and complain about unfair things are or how emotional I am, but God's heard it. I can't pray with certainty on which way I should fall, because I don't even know. I guess I am praying that God would let circumstances push me to one side or the other, that He would lead me in a way that I cannot chose on my own.
Yes, this is all cryptic and vague - but I have to write about it. I have to get it out, I have to process it. And in some ways, I'm sure if someone reads this they can relate to a similar situation in their head and think, "Yes! That's how I feel about ______."
Maybe in a year I will read this back and think, "Whew, glad that's over."
What if
It's a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does.
-Peter McWilliams
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does.
-Peter McWilliams
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Tick tock - where is your life going?
Steward - to manage or look after.
We are stewards of God's money, time, and more. When we get to heaven, if God asks what we did with the money He gave us, the time He gave us, the talent He gave us... what would we say? Everything we have is His, like we are borrowing it.
I can NOT imagine getting to heaven and being like, "Well... I bought a lot of cool stuff, I lived comfortably, and I gave sometimes. I went for a few weeks out of the country to serve, and helped out in the church sometimes. I used my talent to make some money, and used it for my own entertainment." Oh HECK no. Or even worse... "I spent my money on clothes to make me pretty, food to fill me up, games to make me happy, and vacations to escape the dreadful work I had. I served sometimes, but I can't think of anything specific. Does it count that I sat in a rocking chair and held some babies so other people could go to church? I sang on youtube, I took some pictures for facebook, and I wrote in my journal. Thanks for the talents, but I didn't know how to use them to glorify you, so I just sang some karaoke here and there along with taking some pretty pictures of nature."
Not that good works get you in to heaven. But I believe that life is meant to glorify God and tell others about Him, so why waste it by being selfish and mediocre? The point isn't to stay super busy in life, doing 500 things at once, or go around hitting people over the head with the bible. But if you use your time, talent, and money to glorify God, others will notice. Also, if you don't do well with little, why would He give you more? Again, the motive is not that if you do well you'll get more stuff. But when your heart is in the right place, you have the longing to want more so that you can give more. I seriously wish that I had more money sometimes so I could give it to people who are in need, to support more kids in another country who are orphans or hungry, etc.
We are stewards of God's money, time, and more. When we get to heaven, if God asks what we did with the money He gave us, the time He gave us, the talent He gave us... what would we say? Everything we have is His, like we are borrowing it.
I can NOT imagine getting to heaven and being like, "Well... I bought a lot of cool stuff, I lived comfortably, and I gave sometimes. I went for a few weeks out of the country to serve, and helped out in the church sometimes. I used my talent to make some money, and used it for my own entertainment." Oh HECK no. Or even worse... "I spent my money on clothes to make me pretty, food to fill me up, games to make me happy, and vacations to escape the dreadful work I had. I served sometimes, but I can't think of anything specific. Does it count that I sat in a rocking chair and held some babies so other people could go to church? I sang on youtube, I took some pictures for facebook, and I wrote in my journal. Thanks for the talents, but I didn't know how to use them to glorify you, so I just sang some karaoke here and there along with taking some pretty pictures of nature."
Not that good works get you in to heaven. But I believe that life is meant to glorify God and tell others about Him, so why waste it by being selfish and mediocre? The point isn't to stay super busy in life, doing 500 things at once, or go around hitting people over the head with the bible. But if you use your time, talent, and money to glorify God, others will notice. Also, if you don't do well with little, why would He give you more? Again, the motive is not that if you do well you'll get more stuff. But when your heart is in the right place, you have the longing to want more so that you can give more. I seriously wish that I had more money sometimes so I could give it to people who are in need, to support more kids in another country who are orphans or hungry, etc.
Monday, November 18, 2013
It's 3:30 AM and I am writing because my brain just won't shut down
Why am I writing again? It's 3:09 AM. I'm hungry, but I shouldn't eat because it's not good to eat right before you go to bed. I'm listening to spotify, the same handful of songs on repeat - man, spotify is amazing. I just found out the chick-fil-a peppermint chocolate chip milkshakes come out tomorrow and I'm PUMPED because those are amazing. I am most definitely getting one tomorrow night after work on my way home. I saw a preview for the movie, "Divergent" on facebook that someone else clicked like on, which comes out in March, and it looked good! I've heard good things about the books so I've decided to try the first one out. Yes, it looks similar to a Hunger Games type of book / movie, but oh well. I liked Hunger Games, so maybe this one will be good too. Stumbleupon - it's like google on crack. Don't do it. It's kind of like pinterest, but a collection of every single thing on the internet and you just go and go and go. Remember when the internet was so basic that if you just wanted to go to golf.com or barbie.com there were no other options than that? And it would take 10 minutes to load, and the games on the kids websites were so slow and basic, but fascinating. I'm going to see Catching Fire this week or next. Not sure when, and not quite sure who with yet. But I'm going. I've had a cough for a week now and I'm ready for it to be gone. Work has been insanely busy lately, and while some people thrive on that and love that it makes time go by faster, I do not enjoy it. It doesn't make time go by faster for me. I'd rather work the register though than make drinks. I've worked at Starbucks for 2 years now, and this will be my 3rd Christmas there. It's weird. My longest job ever. I've seen a lot of people come and go. I need to eat healthier, but as I walked around Wal-Mart today, looking at all the food, nothing healthy looked good. Ugh. It sounds so daunting to find healthy food that tastes good and that I can take to work that can't be heated up because we have no microwave. I want to lose weight, but I don't have enough money to the gym (and I hate going to the gym, so that wouldn't work anyways), but eating better would help I think even if I didn't work out. I hope it snows this year. Snow is beautiful. Ice is terrible. Being trapped in your house for a day or 2 is cool, but not after that. And I doubt Starbucks would close down because of ice, and then I'd feel bad for being stuck in my house while people closer had to work. I want to go somewhere cool and take cool pictures. Somewhere new or different or unique. I need to think of where that could be. (With my real camera, not my cell phone.) I've "seen" a lot of friends recently and hung out with them in groups or had bible study, but haven't had real conversations with most of them or caught up on what's really going on. It's weird to see people so often but then actually feel like you haven't seen them because you didn't talk to them. A lot of times my face screams my emotions, and I wish it didn't. Even if it's not a big emotion, people can tell it pretty quickly about me. Booo. And then I know people who you can never tell what emotion is going on with them, and you're like, "Hello? Are you a zombie?"
I hate when you say, "I saw on your facebook..." and then someone is like, "Oh, that's creepy" - no the heck it is not! You post it on your facebook for your friends or the public to see, then you cannot say it's creepy when someone looks at it - that's the point of it being there in the first place!!! Even if it's old pictures or old stuff - like hello, I love pictures, I like seeing what people looked like when they're younger or where they've traveled or what their family looks like, so of course I am going to look back through old pictures when you have 300 or so pictures up! It's like inviting someone to your living room with your your photo albums on the table - well, I'm going to pick them up and look at them. Same thing. You should assume that anything you post on facebook, anybody in your future could see it.
It's 3:29. No, it didn't take me 20 minutes to type that all, I thought some inbetween. I remember in elementary and middle school when we'd have 10 minutes of writing or something, on a topic on the board or whatever so we would be better writers with practice, and people would moan and complain, sitting with one sentence on their paper and their face in their hands, and I would be writing the whole time, trying to keep writing even after the teacher would say put your journals away. You give me a topic and I go with it. I mean, generally. Except on the teacher certification test (GACE), whoo, that was hard!!
I hate when you say, "I saw on your facebook..." and then someone is like, "Oh, that's creepy" - no the heck it is not! You post it on your facebook for your friends or the public to see, then you cannot say it's creepy when someone looks at it - that's the point of it being there in the first place!!! Even if it's old pictures or old stuff - like hello, I love pictures, I like seeing what people looked like when they're younger or where they've traveled or what their family looks like, so of course I am going to look back through old pictures when you have 300 or so pictures up! It's like inviting someone to your living room with your your photo albums on the table - well, I'm going to pick them up and look at them. Same thing. You should assume that anything you post on facebook, anybody in your future could see it.
It's 3:29. No, it didn't take me 20 minutes to type that all, I thought some inbetween. I remember in elementary and middle school when we'd have 10 minutes of writing or something, on a topic on the board or whatever so we would be better writers with practice, and people would moan and complain, sitting with one sentence on their paper and their face in their hands, and I would be writing the whole time, trying to keep writing even after the teacher would say put your journals away. You give me a topic and I go with it. I mean, generally. Except on the teacher certification test (GACE), whoo, that was hard!!
Focus
"Celebrate good times, come on!"
If you pick any thing in life, I'm pretty sure you can see both the good and bad in it. Your job, the people around you, where you are in life, whether you're single or married, have kids or don't, etc.
Sometimes when there are elementary aged kids that come into Starbucks, they are super cute, well behaved, and I'm like, "I want a kid." Other times they come in and are terrors, whining, trying to take our tips, picking stuff up and putting it back in the wrong places... and I think, "Maybe I don't want kids."
Thursday, on my day off, I slept in late, and went to a bakery that my mom's friend just opened. I got an oreo cupcake! YUM! I stopped in my Starbucks and got my free iced triple grande 2 pump pumpkin spice 2 pump white mocha. I then went to a new store called, "2nd & Charles" which is a huge store that has used books, movies, games, music, and more. It was the first time I had been there and was fascinated by everything, took pictures, and thought of things I could buy people for Christmas. After driving back in some terrible traffic, I ate dinner with my parents, and then went to Steak and Shake with some friends and had a milkshake. I thought during the day, "I'm so glad that I'm not teaching right now, that I have days like this where I can do what I want and there aren't 5 million people out here with me because they're at work. And on nights and weekends I don't have to grade papers or write lesson plans." And of course there are days when I think, "Will I ever have a better job? Will I ever make more money? Am I stuck here? Will God ever open another door?"
You can't always ignore the things in life that stink, but there's no point focusing on them. I think you should change and grow from the things that are negative and not just brush them under the rug, but not let it make your daily life bitter or sad or hopeless. When your focus is on the good stuff, it's a good thing! There are times though that you should talk about what's bothering you because it's therapeutic and helpful and freeing in some cases.
If you pick any thing in life, I'm pretty sure you can see both the good and bad in it. Your job, the people around you, where you are in life, whether you're single or married, have kids or don't, etc.
Sometimes when there are elementary aged kids that come into Starbucks, they are super cute, well behaved, and I'm like, "I want a kid." Other times they come in and are terrors, whining, trying to take our tips, picking stuff up and putting it back in the wrong places... and I think, "Maybe I don't want kids."
Thursday, on my day off, I slept in late, and went to a bakery that my mom's friend just opened. I got an oreo cupcake! YUM! I stopped in my Starbucks and got my free iced triple grande 2 pump pumpkin spice 2 pump white mocha. I then went to a new store called, "2nd & Charles" which is a huge store that has used books, movies, games, music, and more. It was the first time I had been there and was fascinated by everything, took pictures, and thought of things I could buy people for Christmas. After driving back in some terrible traffic, I ate dinner with my parents, and then went to Steak and Shake with some friends and had a milkshake. I thought during the day, "I'm so glad that I'm not teaching right now, that I have days like this where I can do what I want and there aren't 5 million people out here with me because they're at work. And on nights and weekends I don't have to grade papers or write lesson plans." And of course there are days when I think, "Will I ever have a better job? Will I ever make more money? Am I stuck here? Will God ever open another door?"
You can't always ignore the things in life that stink, but there's no point focusing on them. I think you should change and grow from the things that are negative and not just brush them under the rug, but not let it make your daily life bitter or sad or hopeless. When your focus is on the good stuff, it's a good thing! There are times though that you should talk about what's bothering you because it's therapeutic and helpful and freeing in some cases.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Random ramblings
I have a problem going to bed earlier than 3:00 AM, and it's more like 3:30 or 4 AM when I go to bed.
I wish I had the "tidy" gene in me. But I don't. Therefore, my room is always a mess, and if I use the kitchen to make something, I don't usually clean it up til way later.
I'm a picky eater - there's a lot of food and drinks I don't like. I'm picky about shoes I buy, and clothes I buy.
If my brain and my emotions were having a contest, 9 out of 10 times my emotions would win. That makes me so mad. Oh, an emotion. Go figure.
Sometimes I get on this obsession with reading, and will read for months, at every moment I can get. But then I'll go a few months where I just don't read much and don't have the desire to. It's a weird thing.
I write in my journal about once a week.... and have for my entire life. It's not something where I force myself to or feel obligated, it's quite the opposite. After more than a week, or if a lot is going on, I feel stressed if I don't write! This has made for a LOT of journals since I was 7 years old!
Dude. Candy Crush. Who invented this game? And why the heck is such a silly game so addictive?
I'm 25... but I don't feel like it. But then, what is 25 supposed to feel like?
I have serious short term memory problems. At work, this is a major problem. And yes, I've tried "strengthening" it and played games and done whatever else out there that is supposed to help it and nothing has. However, I have an amazing long term memory - I can remember the most obscure details, names, and conversations for like... ever.
I wish I had the "tidy" gene in me. But I don't. Therefore, my room is always a mess, and if I use the kitchen to make something, I don't usually clean it up til way later.
I'm a picky eater - there's a lot of food and drinks I don't like. I'm picky about shoes I buy, and clothes I buy.
If my brain and my emotions were having a contest, 9 out of 10 times my emotions would win. That makes me so mad. Oh, an emotion. Go figure.
Sometimes I get on this obsession with reading, and will read for months, at every moment I can get. But then I'll go a few months where I just don't read much and don't have the desire to. It's a weird thing.
I write in my journal about once a week.... and have for my entire life. It's not something where I force myself to or feel obligated, it's quite the opposite. After more than a week, or if a lot is going on, I feel stressed if I don't write! This has made for a LOT of journals since I was 7 years old!
Dude. Candy Crush. Who invented this game? And why the heck is such a silly game so addictive?
I'm 25... but I don't feel like it. But then, what is 25 supposed to feel like?
I have serious short term memory problems. At work, this is a major problem. And yes, I've tried "strengthening" it and played games and done whatever else out there that is supposed to help it and nothing has. However, I have an amazing long term memory - I can remember the most obscure details, names, and conversations for like... ever.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Starbucks' regulars
Regulars at Starbucks... some people of which I do know their real names, and some I do not, but we call them other names to identify them, either by the drink they always get or something that describes them.
"Do you know ______'s drink?"
Why can't you just tell me what the drink is? Sometimes I don't know because they just change it up, or if I say yes and they drive on, I don't have enough time to put it in the computer/ register. So no, I don't know your drink. And sometimes I legitimately don't know because other people know it, and I never hear it being said, so I just forget. There's a few of these that come though a lot.
The creepy red truck guy
He comes in to order and then sits in his truck for hours, or sits in his truck for hours and then comes in to get coffee. Maybe he's just stealing our wifi and doesn't want to come inside and be distracted by people and doesn't want to go home because somebody there gets on his nerves. That's not really what makes him creepy. He has this intense, squinty eyed look when he looks at me, as if he's peering into my soul, and doesn't break eye contact the entire time. He sometimes says, "I haven't seen you in a while," just because I've been in the back doing dishes when he's come in or something.
Ninja turtle guy
He's about my age, bald, and intense. He usually says his drinks at the drive thru really quietly and then speeds off, without us knowing what he said until we look out the window and see who it is. He remembers people's names but is so intense and socially awkward that it makes us uncomfortable.
And a banana guy
I think he has some kind of mental disability, but no one knows what it is. He says his drink(s) at the drive thru box and often says, "and a banana" and then drives forward without us being able to ask any questions or repeat his order back. He seems pretty happy, but rarely speaks. He comes through multiple times a day sometimes. Not many people buy our bananas, but he goes through them pretty regularly.
Miss ________
She's 85ish years old (she's said before, but I forget), has curly white hair piled up on top of her head, and she is a sweet old lady. She likes all of us baristas and sometimes talks to other people in the café, so sometimes she hugs us or tells us stories about her life. She's encouraging and funny. She told us to call her "Miss" and then her first name.
Hey! I'm going to be best friends with everybody who works here.
Ok, we don't call her that, we call her by her name, but I don't know another way to describe her in those bold words. Anyways, she only started coming a few months ago, a freshman in college, and full of energy. She sometimes brings friends or her sister with her. She comes in almost every day, and sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes she just talks to us, all the baristas, or other people in the café, and if she comes through drive thru she doesn't want to use the box, she just pulls on around to the window so she can talk to us in person. It's funny though, how you can see the same people every day and not know much about them.
Good looking yoga seminary dude
LOL! Again, not what we call him because we call him by his name. And he might be reading this some day in the future, but maybe not. Anyways, he has been coming since January, sometimes just 2 or 3 days a week, and sometimes almost every day. He is a yoga instructor, is in seminary, and talks to everybody. Sometimes he does a lot of his homework at Starbucks, and that's usually the plan, but sometimes he just ends up talking to lots of people. He used to announce his coming and going with an air horn sound on his phone, then switched it to elephant and laser sounds, but as of late the sounds have ceased. He and I talk about life, God, and random questions of the day. More than any of our other regulars, this one is my favorite (yeah, I get to pick favorites as a barista, don't tell anybody), and my friend.
Ex-baristas
Oh yeah, I worked with you once, but because you treated me like crap, you're not getting free drinks now that you quit. Sucka! Other ones, sure I'll give them free drinks sometimes or discounts. Sometimes I enjoy seeing people I used to work with (that I was friends with), but others I would be ok with not seeing ever again. Oh well, such is life.
"Two unsweetened ice green teas please"
Usually it's the wife who comes through every day, but sometimes the husband comes, and sometimes both of them come. I know them outside of work, they are my friends, but my coworkers only know them from Starbucks. They have said to me, "Those two are seriously the nicest people I've ever known." I like to chose friends like that. :-)
Can I have a refill?
No. You have to pay for the first drink and then stay here and then get a refill. You do not get to bring in your cup from last week or yesterday or this morning and just get free coffee or tea. And stop trying to break the rules or say that you're entitled to it or that starbucks is too expensive or you're broke. If you stay in the café and come get a refill, cool. Otherwise, no. And don't flip out at me when I'm following the rules. Stop asking.
The "for here cup and middle marble loaf" lady
She wants to have her drink made in a mug to stay in the café, but have the mug heated up with hot water first so that when her drink goes in it it doesn't get cold fast, with silky foam on top. She wants the middle marble loaf piece because the top gets to dry or might be dry, on a plate, with a fork and a knife. Along with her specifications on her drink and food, she asks nosy questions and then apologizes for asking nosy questions, but, how do you reply to that unless you say, "I'd rather not talk about that,"? Awkward.
The hipsters
We used to have a TON of teenagers sit outside every day and night, drinking mostly a million refills of water, smoking, and leaving trash all over the place. "Hey, I know you're busy, but I need 7 waters." They once backed up their pickup truck to our store and sat on a sofa without legs on their truck. Yeeehaw! They were rude and used up all the chairs outdoors. They sometimes got into physical fights, and got on everybody's nerves. Thankfully, since this summer when Starbucks made a new rule that you have to be 25-30 feet away from the store to smoke, they have all gone away! Now normal people get the change to sit out there and we don't have to clean up after them anymore. It's fantastic.
The old man who drives fancy cars
Rollin in the dough at an old age! He drives crazy expensive cars, works at a car dealership, always buys a lot of stuff, has a British accent, and tells us about how he once sold a car to someone famous. He's always been polite and nice, although I have heard a few weird stories about him. Well, at least he's normal to the baristas, even if he isn't as normal to the other customers.
The beautiful, immature model girl
Maybe she was a nice person, I didn't get to know her personally, and I will give her the benefit of the doubt because she was 18 / a freshman in college and has a lot of growing up to do. However, she was skinny, bleach blonde hair, lots of makeup, beautiful, skimpy clothes showing as much as she could, and flirted with all the guys. She in turn got free drinks from the guys I worked with for a while and that ticked me off. She got all the attention when she was there, and she always acted like she was in control of the room in a sly kind of a way. I only had a few conversations with her personally but I could tell that we were opposites in every way possible.
Bffs come together
Ok, they probably aren't bffs, but they come together a lot, so I'm calling them that. Two girls in their twentys come pretty often, but sometimes they come by themselves too. Sometimes they do homework or sometimes they just talk. They always say they wish they had our headsets so they could know if we're talking about them or what is so funny when we're laughing about something someone said who isn't in hearing range of them. But trust me, headsets aren't that great. I enjoy talking to them sometimes about stupid boys, or other random things.
No filter old lady
She has asked me before, "Why are you still working here?" "Do you have a boyfriend yet? No? Well what are you waiting for?" Wow! Really? As if I had a choice on either of those.
"This isn't right"
No matter how exact we try to make some people's drinks, there are at least three women's drinks that come to mind that usually hand it back after taking a sip or swirling it around and looking at it. Not enough cream, too much cream, not enough foam, too much foam, etc. We expect them to hand it back, and give fist pumps if we make it and they don't pass it back.
There are more, but those are just a few.
"Do you know ______'s drink?"
Why can't you just tell me what the drink is? Sometimes I don't know because they just change it up, or if I say yes and they drive on, I don't have enough time to put it in the computer/ register. So no, I don't know your drink. And sometimes I legitimately don't know because other people know it, and I never hear it being said, so I just forget. There's a few of these that come though a lot.
The creepy red truck guy
He comes in to order and then sits in his truck for hours, or sits in his truck for hours and then comes in to get coffee. Maybe he's just stealing our wifi and doesn't want to come inside and be distracted by people and doesn't want to go home because somebody there gets on his nerves. That's not really what makes him creepy. He has this intense, squinty eyed look when he looks at me, as if he's peering into my soul, and doesn't break eye contact the entire time. He sometimes says, "I haven't seen you in a while," just because I've been in the back doing dishes when he's come in or something.
Ninja turtle guy
He's about my age, bald, and intense. He usually says his drinks at the drive thru really quietly and then speeds off, without us knowing what he said until we look out the window and see who it is. He remembers people's names but is so intense and socially awkward that it makes us uncomfortable.
And a banana guy
I think he has some kind of mental disability, but no one knows what it is. He says his drink(s) at the drive thru box and often says, "and a banana" and then drives forward without us being able to ask any questions or repeat his order back. He seems pretty happy, but rarely speaks. He comes through multiple times a day sometimes. Not many people buy our bananas, but he goes through them pretty regularly.
Miss ________
She's 85ish years old (she's said before, but I forget), has curly white hair piled up on top of her head, and she is a sweet old lady. She likes all of us baristas and sometimes talks to other people in the café, so sometimes she hugs us or tells us stories about her life. She's encouraging and funny. She told us to call her "Miss" and then her first name.
Hey! I'm going to be best friends with everybody who works here.
Ok, we don't call her that, we call her by her name, but I don't know another way to describe her in those bold words. Anyways, she only started coming a few months ago, a freshman in college, and full of energy. She sometimes brings friends or her sister with her. She comes in almost every day, and sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes she just talks to us, all the baristas, or other people in the café, and if she comes through drive thru she doesn't want to use the box, she just pulls on around to the window so she can talk to us in person. It's funny though, how you can see the same people every day and not know much about them.
Good looking yoga seminary dude
LOL! Again, not what we call him because we call him by his name. And he might be reading this some day in the future, but maybe not. Anyways, he has been coming since January, sometimes just 2 or 3 days a week, and sometimes almost every day. He is a yoga instructor, is in seminary, and talks to everybody. Sometimes he does a lot of his homework at Starbucks, and that's usually the plan, but sometimes he just ends up talking to lots of people. He used to announce his coming and going with an air horn sound on his phone, then switched it to elephant and laser sounds, but as of late the sounds have ceased. He and I talk about life, God, and random questions of the day. More than any of our other regulars, this one is my favorite (yeah, I get to pick favorites as a barista, don't tell anybody), and my friend.
Ex-baristas
Oh yeah, I worked with you once, but because you treated me like crap, you're not getting free drinks now that you quit. Sucka! Other ones, sure I'll give them free drinks sometimes or discounts. Sometimes I enjoy seeing people I used to work with (that I was friends with), but others I would be ok with not seeing ever again. Oh well, such is life.
"Two unsweetened ice green teas please"
Usually it's the wife who comes through every day, but sometimes the husband comes, and sometimes both of them come. I know them outside of work, they are my friends, but my coworkers only know them from Starbucks. They have said to me, "Those two are seriously the nicest people I've ever known." I like to chose friends like that. :-)
Can I have a refill?
No. You have to pay for the first drink and then stay here and then get a refill. You do not get to bring in your cup from last week or yesterday or this morning and just get free coffee or tea. And stop trying to break the rules or say that you're entitled to it or that starbucks is too expensive or you're broke. If you stay in the café and come get a refill, cool. Otherwise, no. And don't flip out at me when I'm following the rules. Stop asking.
The "for here cup and middle marble loaf" lady
She wants to have her drink made in a mug to stay in the café, but have the mug heated up with hot water first so that when her drink goes in it it doesn't get cold fast, with silky foam on top. She wants the middle marble loaf piece because the top gets to dry or might be dry, on a plate, with a fork and a knife. Along with her specifications on her drink and food, she asks nosy questions and then apologizes for asking nosy questions, but, how do you reply to that unless you say, "I'd rather not talk about that,"? Awkward.
The hipsters
We used to have a TON of teenagers sit outside every day and night, drinking mostly a million refills of water, smoking, and leaving trash all over the place. "Hey, I know you're busy, but I need 7 waters." They once backed up their pickup truck to our store and sat on a sofa without legs on their truck. Yeeehaw! They were rude and used up all the chairs outdoors. They sometimes got into physical fights, and got on everybody's nerves. Thankfully, since this summer when Starbucks made a new rule that you have to be 25-30 feet away from the store to smoke, they have all gone away! Now normal people get the change to sit out there and we don't have to clean up after them anymore. It's fantastic.
The old man who drives fancy cars
Rollin in the dough at an old age! He drives crazy expensive cars, works at a car dealership, always buys a lot of stuff, has a British accent, and tells us about how he once sold a car to someone famous. He's always been polite and nice, although I have heard a few weird stories about him. Well, at least he's normal to the baristas, even if he isn't as normal to the other customers.
The beautiful, immature model girl
Maybe she was a nice person, I didn't get to know her personally, and I will give her the benefit of the doubt because she was 18 / a freshman in college and has a lot of growing up to do. However, she was skinny, bleach blonde hair, lots of makeup, beautiful, skimpy clothes showing as much as she could, and flirted with all the guys. She in turn got free drinks from the guys I worked with for a while and that ticked me off. She got all the attention when she was there, and she always acted like she was in control of the room in a sly kind of a way. I only had a few conversations with her personally but I could tell that we were opposites in every way possible.
Bffs come together
Ok, they probably aren't bffs, but they come together a lot, so I'm calling them that. Two girls in their twentys come pretty often, but sometimes they come by themselves too. Sometimes they do homework or sometimes they just talk. They always say they wish they had our headsets so they could know if we're talking about them or what is so funny when we're laughing about something someone said who isn't in hearing range of them. But trust me, headsets aren't that great. I enjoy talking to them sometimes about stupid boys, or other random things.
No filter old lady
She has asked me before, "Why are you still working here?" "Do you have a boyfriend yet? No? Well what are you waiting for?" Wow! Really? As if I had a choice on either of those.
"This isn't right"
No matter how exact we try to make some people's drinks, there are at least three women's drinks that come to mind that usually hand it back after taking a sip or swirling it around and looking at it. Not enough cream, too much cream, not enough foam, too much foam, etc. We expect them to hand it back, and give fist pumps if we make it and they don't pass it back.
There are more, but those are just a few.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Sex
"You must never have sexual relations with a close relative, for I am the Lord.
Do not have sexual relations with your sister or half sister, whether she is your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born into your household or someone else’s.
Do not have sexual relations with your stepsister, the daughter of any of your father’s wives, for she is your sister.
Do not have sexual relations with your brother’s wife, for this would violate your brother.
Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. And do not take her granddaughter, whether her son’s daughter or her daughter’s daughter, and have sexual relations with her. They are close relatives, and this would be a wicked act.
While your wife is living, do not marry her sister and have sexual relations with her, for they would be rivals.
Do not defile yourself by having sexual intercourse with your neighbor’s wife.
Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin.
A man must not defile himself by having sex with an animal. And a woman must not offer herself to
a male animal to have intercourse with it. This is a perverse act."
- Leviticus 18: 6, 9, 16-18, 19, 22, 23
"Drink water from your own well—
share your love only with your wife.
Why spill the water of your springs in the streets,
having sex with just anyone?
You should reserve it for yourselves.
Never share it with strangers."
- Proverbs 5:15-17
Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never! And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.” But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.
Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."-1 Corinthians 6:12-18
"The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
-1 Corinthians 7:3-7
"Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God."
-Ephesians 5:3-4
"So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world."
-Colossians 3:5
"God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. Never harm or cheat a Christian brother in this matter by violating his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you."
-1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
-Matthew 5:27-28
Do not have sexual relations with your sister or half sister, whether she is your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born into your household or someone else’s.
Do not have sexual relations with your stepsister, the daughter of any of your father’s wives, for she is your sister.
Do not have sexual relations with your brother’s wife, for this would violate your brother.
Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. And do not take her granddaughter, whether her son’s daughter or her daughter’s daughter, and have sexual relations with her. They are close relatives, and this would be a wicked act.
While your wife is living, do not marry her sister and have sexual relations with her, for they would be rivals.
Do not defile yourself by having sexual intercourse with your neighbor’s wife.
Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin.
A man must not defile himself by having sex with an animal. And a woman must not offer herself to
a male animal to have intercourse with it. This is a perverse act."
- Leviticus 18: 6, 9, 16-18, 19, 22, 23
"Drink water from your own well—
share your love only with your wife.
Why spill the water of your springs in the streets,
having sex with just anyone?
You should reserve it for yourselves.
Never share it with strangers."
- Proverbs 5:15-17
"You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. And God will raise us from the dead by his power, just as he raised our Lord from the dead.
Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never! And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.” But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.
Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."-1 Corinthians 6:12-18
"The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
-1 Corinthians 7:3-7
"Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God."
-Ephesians 5:3-4
"So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world."
-Colossians 3:5
"God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. Never harm or cheat a Christian brother in this matter by violating his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you."
-1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
-Matthew 5:27-28
Sunday, November 3, 2013
My thoughts for today
Fall leaves are beautiful. Every year.
I just bought mozzarella cheese sticks wrapped in pepperoni and it isn't as good as I thought it would be. Bummer.
I usually don't recognize when my camera batteries are about to die because I'm too busy taking pictures to see the little symbol on the screen. And then it just dies.
Although it gets frustrating when you only have 5 lives on Candy Crush and then it makes you wait 20ish minutes before you get another one, I'm actually really glad because otherwise I'd just be sitting there wasting more time.
Heard a great sermon this morning about prayer through the story of Elijah. From praying that the rain would stop for three years, asking God to provide a constant supply of food for him and the window and son he stayed with, asking God to put life back into a dead boy, asking God to bring fire down on an altar that seemed impossible to burn to prove to others that He is God, praying the rain back, to then having God show Elijah that He isn't always in all the power but also in the quiet... what a cool story and so much to learn from it.
I really enjoy tagging people in pictures on facebook, adding them to groups, and other facebook related things... and I'm not really sure why I'm wired that way. Haha.
When people fall, I laugh. I can't help it. This kid fell today because he was standing on a rolling platform thing and trying to shoot a basketball in the gym where our church meets. He wasn't hurt. It's not like I think it's funny when someone gets hurt, I just think it's funny when someone falls or drops something.
Last night at the end of work, I was tired but oddly thinking things were way funnier than they were supposed to be and I had one of those moments where I laughed so hard that I spit my drink out on the floor (and on my work apron), almost peed in my pants, had to crouch down on the floor because I couldn't stop laughing, and then because I swallowed my drink wrong I was coughing and crying and could NOT compose myself. Thankfully it was just my shift leader with me but he was like, "What is going on?? What's so funny??" And nothing was that funny, I was just laughing and couldn't stop! Usually when I get like that I drink more caffeine and I'm good to go, but I waited too long I suppose!
At the end of church today, as the pastor was praying... I had a thought, like clarity, like God was revealing something to me. "Sometimes you struggle because others who don't know me are watching you. And when you come out victoriously because of Me, then I will get the glory. Then they will know Me." I don't like people to know when I struggle, what battles I fight, or what things hurt me. But maybe sometimes people who don't know Him need to see it because they go through the same things but fall in the end, whereas with me I can show them how God is the one who delivers me. Or, in times I do fail, they can see how I still know that God loves me and forgives me and gives me grace beyond measure. I hate these battles and fights in life where I feel like I should be better than these stupid battles, that I should be above that because God is in my life, but I'm still human. I pray that through my failures and struggles that others will somehow see Him and that He will get the glory.
I just bought mozzarella cheese sticks wrapped in pepperoni and it isn't as good as I thought it would be. Bummer.
I usually don't recognize when my camera batteries are about to die because I'm too busy taking pictures to see the little symbol on the screen. And then it just dies.
Although it gets frustrating when you only have 5 lives on Candy Crush and then it makes you wait 20ish minutes before you get another one, I'm actually really glad because otherwise I'd just be sitting there wasting more time.
Heard a great sermon this morning about prayer through the story of Elijah. From praying that the rain would stop for three years, asking God to provide a constant supply of food for him and the window and son he stayed with, asking God to put life back into a dead boy, asking God to bring fire down on an altar that seemed impossible to burn to prove to others that He is God, praying the rain back, to then having God show Elijah that He isn't always in all the power but also in the quiet... what a cool story and so much to learn from it.
I really enjoy tagging people in pictures on facebook, adding them to groups, and other facebook related things... and I'm not really sure why I'm wired that way. Haha.
When people fall, I laugh. I can't help it. This kid fell today because he was standing on a rolling platform thing and trying to shoot a basketball in the gym where our church meets. He wasn't hurt. It's not like I think it's funny when someone gets hurt, I just think it's funny when someone falls or drops something.
Last night at the end of work, I was tired but oddly thinking things were way funnier than they were supposed to be and I had one of those moments where I laughed so hard that I spit my drink out on the floor (and on my work apron), almost peed in my pants, had to crouch down on the floor because I couldn't stop laughing, and then because I swallowed my drink wrong I was coughing and crying and could NOT compose myself. Thankfully it was just my shift leader with me but he was like, "What is going on?? What's so funny??" And nothing was that funny, I was just laughing and couldn't stop! Usually when I get like that I drink more caffeine and I'm good to go, but I waited too long I suppose!
At the end of church today, as the pastor was praying... I had a thought, like clarity, like God was revealing something to me. "Sometimes you struggle because others who don't know me are watching you. And when you come out victoriously because of Me, then I will get the glory. Then they will know Me." I don't like people to know when I struggle, what battles I fight, or what things hurt me. But maybe sometimes people who don't know Him need to see it because they go through the same things but fall in the end, whereas with me I can show them how God is the one who delivers me. Or, in times I do fail, they can see how I still know that God loves me and forgives me and gives me grace beyond measure. I hate these battles and fights in life where I feel like I should be better than these stupid battles, that I should be above that because God is in my life, but I'm still human. I pray that through my failures and struggles that others will somehow see Him and that He will get the glory.
Friday, November 1, 2013
The deepest of love, and of letting go
Maybe it's just girls who run through scenarios and conversations in their heads that will never happen, but maybe guys do it too and just do it less. Either way, sometimes those imaginary conversations of "what if" help me to realize things and see things differently. And maybe God works through that to give clarity and realizations that hadn't come before.
Tonight as I ran through a series of events in my head - what I would do and say and how this other person would probably react - it was one of those "worst case scenario" moments where I just didn't see a good ending to it if I actually said and did those things. Bummer. However, this is what I thought after that...
If someone is on a diet, and it's a struggle for them not to eat chocolate, then I won't eat chocolate in front of them. If someone is an alcoholic, trying to stop drinking all together, then I won't drink in front of them. (I rarely drink, but just giving an example.) When you care for someone, you sometimes make sacrifices or change things while you're around them because it would be selfish otherwise, and that is the last thing that Jesus was. So if someone says their life is better off without me in it... even when I don't understand why, and it hurts, then I'm out. It's the weirdest thing to want someone else to be happy even when their happiness means your sadness. It's the kind of love that far exceeds a romantic love, but a love that wants the other person to have what they want and have a beautiful life even if it means it's sad for the other person. For example, one of my best friends, Joy, is in Bosnia for a year. I miss her SOOO MUCH!! But I know that she is happy and excited to be there, so I pray for her and help support her over there. That's not the situation I'm referring to, but it's an example of it.
Also, I think letting go of things isn't a one time thing. It's a constant thing.
I had a friend from 12 years old to 20 years old that I went to school and church with, lived in my neighborhood, we sang duets together, went to Kenya together... I thought she was a friend I would be friends with forever. We grew apart. I don't even know exactly when because it was slow. And then she deleted her facebook, and life got carried away. Later she found me on Instgram and I saw that she was engaged, and her wedding is this Saturday. I haven't talked to her since they even started dating, and I always thought I would be going to her wedding. Yet here comes this monumental day and I'm not invited. I'm not even sure if she has the same phone number anymore to reach her. Sometimes I think about her and pray for her and then let it go. Other times I'm overcome by sadness. I think it's just a process in life of letting things go.
Tonight as I ran through a series of events in my head - what I would do and say and how this other person would probably react - it was one of those "worst case scenario" moments where I just didn't see a good ending to it if I actually said and did those things. Bummer. However, this is what I thought after that...
If someone is on a diet, and it's a struggle for them not to eat chocolate, then I won't eat chocolate in front of them. If someone is an alcoholic, trying to stop drinking all together, then I won't drink in front of them. (I rarely drink, but just giving an example.) When you care for someone, you sometimes make sacrifices or change things while you're around them because it would be selfish otherwise, and that is the last thing that Jesus was. So if someone says their life is better off without me in it... even when I don't understand why, and it hurts, then I'm out. It's the weirdest thing to want someone else to be happy even when their happiness means your sadness. It's the kind of love that far exceeds a romantic love, but a love that wants the other person to have what they want and have a beautiful life even if it means it's sad for the other person. For example, one of my best friends, Joy, is in Bosnia for a year. I miss her SOOO MUCH!! But I know that she is happy and excited to be there, so I pray for her and help support her over there. That's not the situation I'm referring to, but it's an example of it.
Also, I think letting go of things isn't a one time thing. It's a constant thing.
I had a friend from 12 years old to 20 years old that I went to school and church with, lived in my neighborhood, we sang duets together, went to Kenya together... I thought she was a friend I would be friends with forever. We grew apart. I don't even know exactly when because it was slow. And then she deleted her facebook, and life got carried away. Later she found me on Instgram and I saw that she was engaged, and her wedding is this Saturday. I haven't talked to her since they even started dating, and I always thought I would be going to her wedding. Yet here comes this monumental day and I'm not invited. I'm not even sure if she has the same phone number anymore to reach her. Sometimes I think about her and pray for her and then let it go. Other times I'm overcome by sadness. I think it's just a process in life of letting things go.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
A few random thoughts
The thing is... you don't know when the people around you won't be around you anymore. Whether it be from death, moving, changing jobs, growing apart, an argument, people being too busy ... So I constantly try to take time to appreciate people in my life and not take them for granted. It's not a constant fear of losing people, but a constant awareness of limited time with people in life, and trying to make the most of it as well as telling them I am thankful for them.
__________________________________________
Sometimes I think about the amount of time I spend playing games like Candy Crush, or being online or doing random things, and think of what a waste of time it is. But besides reading books and stuff, what else would be a more beneficial use of my time? Right now I'm in a bit of a limbo because I am no longer helping with students at church or helping with videos because I switched churches, so I'm not sure where to serve at the moment, or where to give of my time. Will I look back on this time of my life and regret how much time I wasted? If so, what will I wish I would have done more of?
__________________________________________
I like writing and taking pictures and remembering good times and making things beautiful. Life can be full of monotony, frustration, and pain on a day to day basis. But I try to make a conscious effort to find what is beautiful anyways. Sunsets, clouds, the changing colors of the leaves, flowers, friendships, texts and messages from my friends, hugs, laughter, silliness. Not only does this search for beauty make life better, it also becomes more natural over time. Someone at work said to me once, "All sunsets are the same. Why do you go out and take so many pictures of them all the time? They're not like snowflakes where each one is different." My mouth dropped. "What?! Yes they are all different! They're all so pretty!" I pray that my eyes will never stop seeing the beauty of creation and God's hand in life.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Remember?
Sometimes it's the little things that bring back memories. Sometimes they pop up unexpectedly. Sometimes they are beautiful, sweet memories, and other times they are bitter ones. I go places, see things, hear things, and it's like the memory surfaces without my saying so. Will they fade away over time? Will it be years from now? Yeah, I think so.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Anything Star Wars. Game of Thrones. Lifeway. Books with tons of questions in them. Snapchat. Skype. Ted Dekker books. "You are the sauce on my spaghetti." The sound that facebook chat makes when you get a new message. The Town Center Mall food court. Taco Bell. "What's up? And don't say the sky." Chick-fil-a. Menchies. Family Force 5. The Cray Button song. Anberlin. Kari Jobe. Natalie Portman. Watching the ball drop on TV on New Year's Eve. The game Risk. Reeses.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Anything Star Wars. Game of Thrones. Lifeway. Books with tons of questions in them. Snapchat. Skype. Ted Dekker books. "You are the sauce on my spaghetti." The sound that facebook chat makes when you get a new message. The Town Center Mall food court. Taco Bell. "What's up? And don't say the sky." Chick-fil-a. Menchies. Family Force 5. The Cray Button song. Anberlin. Kari Jobe. Natalie Portman. Watching the ball drop on TV on New Year's Eve. The game Risk. Reeses.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Be real.
Broken.
Let's just all put down our boxing gloves, shall we? You messed up, I messed up, we all messed up. We all fall down. Daily we all mess up and say stupid things and do stupid things.
Things that don't help: talking bad about somebody to others, saying mean things to a person, ignoring them and refusing to speak to them, abusing any kind of power you have over that person, manipulating someone... the list could go on.
Sometimes, we all feel alone.
Sometimes, we all feel like scum.
Be honest. Be transparent. Be real. Don't judge. Don't stereotype. Don't make assumptions. Don't be negative. Admit when you're wrong and when you messed up. Admit when somebody else is right. Communicate. Use your words. Forgive someone even when they don't deserve it and even when you will never hear them they say they are sorry. Love someone even when they are rude to you - all the time. Don't get revenge. Reach out to someone when you are broken, don't do it alone. Don't let someone use you or walk all over you - know when to get away. Sometimes people just want you to listen.
Let's just all put down our boxing gloves, shall we? You messed up, I messed up, we all messed up. We all fall down. Daily we all mess up and say stupid things and do stupid things.
Things that don't help: talking bad about somebody to others, saying mean things to a person, ignoring them and refusing to speak to them, abusing any kind of power you have over that person, manipulating someone... the list could go on.
Sometimes, we all feel alone.
Sometimes, we all feel like scum.
Be honest. Be transparent. Be real. Don't judge. Don't stereotype. Don't make assumptions. Don't be negative. Admit when you're wrong and when you messed up. Admit when somebody else is right. Communicate. Use your words. Forgive someone even when they don't deserve it and even when you will never hear them they say they are sorry. Love someone even when they are rude to you - all the time. Don't get revenge. Reach out to someone when you are broken, don't do it alone. Don't let someone use you or walk all over you - know when to get away. Sometimes people just want you to listen.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
If You Want Me To, by Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reasons why you brought me here.
But just because you love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.
Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet.
So if all of these trials that bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if you want me to.
And it may not be the way I would've chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone.
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that your love put you through
And I will go through the valley if you want me to.
And I don't know the reasons why you brought me here.
But just because you love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.
Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet.
So if all of these trials that bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if you want me to.
And it may not be the way I would've chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone.
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that your love put you through
And I will go through the valley if you want me to.
(Recorded this video in March 2012)
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Praying
For the past 4 weeks I've been meeting with my friend Katie on Tuesday mornings at her house. We pick something from the bible at the end of our time each week, so we can read it, write about it, and discuss it when we come back. And we talk about things God is doing in our lives and what to pray for each other about. It's been so great!! I'm so thankful for this time with her.
As we read each week, I sometimes read parts of my commentary in my study bible. One thing it said a few weeks ago was, "Sometimes satan's strongest attacks come after a victory." It makes sense! Or of course during a victory and when you're doing the right thing!
I also bought a book on Sunday called, "Draw the Circle: The 40 day prayer challenge," by Mark Batterson.
"The goal of the forty-day prayer challenge isn't to get what you want by day 40. In fact, the goal isn't to get what you want at all. The goal is to figure out what God wants, what God wills. Then you start circling it in prayer and don't stop until God answers."
Last night it was a time when I thought about how many things are really important right now, and how I needed to spend a lot of time in prayer and writing about it and reading the bible. I don't know how long I did that, but longer than I have in a long time. I thought, "These things are so important that I need God's hand to be in this! Big time! I need His power to come through in some situations for myself and for others, and his guidance in others."
Tonight I was thinking about "wanting." It's like a feeling that you can't control, and you can't just stop wanting something just because. I often pray that God would change my wants and desires to what He wants for me and what He will provide. There are many jobs I wanted in the past and did not get - some I am so thankful WAY later that He didn't let that happen, other times I still don't know why. I still want a husband some day and don't know why He hasn't let that happen yet. I have wanted to lead or serve in certain ways that God said no to, and still says no to, and sometimes I understand why but sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want something that I clearly know is not right or is not for me, and am frustrated at the feelings anyways. Sometimes I pray, "God, make me stop wanting that!!!"
As we read each week, I sometimes read parts of my commentary in my study bible. One thing it said a few weeks ago was, "Sometimes satan's strongest attacks come after a victory." It makes sense! Or of course during a victory and when you're doing the right thing!
I also bought a book on Sunday called, "Draw the Circle: The 40 day prayer challenge," by Mark Batterson.
"The goal of the forty-day prayer challenge isn't to get what you want by day 40. In fact, the goal isn't to get what you want at all. The goal is to figure out what God wants, what God wills. Then you start circling it in prayer and don't stop until God answers."
Last night it was a time when I thought about how many things are really important right now, and how I needed to spend a lot of time in prayer and writing about it and reading the bible. I don't know how long I did that, but longer than I have in a long time. I thought, "These things are so important that I need God's hand to be in this! Big time! I need His power to come through in some situations for myself and for others, and his guidance in others."
Tonight I was thinking about "wanting." It's like a feeling that you can't control, and you can't just stop wanting something just because. I often pray that God would change my wants and desires to what He wants for me and what He will provide. There are many jobs I wanted in the past and did not get - some I am so thankful WAY later that He didn't let that happen, other times I still don't know why. I still want a husband some day and don't know why He hasn't let that happen yet. I have wanted to lead or serve in certain ways that God said no to, and still says no to, and sometimes I understand why but sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want something that I clearly know is not right or is not for me, and am frustrated at the feelings anyways. Sometimes I pray, "God, make me stop wanting that!!!"
Friday, August 30, 2013
The end. The beginning.
The end.
My friend Joy leaves on Saturday to go to Bosnia for a year to be a missionary. She told me two years ago that she wanted to be a missionary, and now she is going off to do that. I will miss her SO MUCH!!! :-(
Four awesome people from Slovakia were here for six weeks, and there time in America is over. They leave on Tuesday, and tonight I said goodbye to them, but since I'm terrible at goodbyes, it was short and sweet.
We won't be meeting at the Bartons' house anymore for bible study, we are moving it to the church. I will miss being at their house, seeing the kids every week and holding the baby, seeing Lee Ann, and just being there.
The beginning.
Every Tuesday morning I will be meeting with my friend Katie to read and talk about the bible! I'm so excited to do this with her and grow together and pray together.
This year I'm teaching 11th and 12th grade girls with Katie, and last year we had 9th and 10th grade girls. It will be at night this school year instead of Sunday morning. I look forward to having everybody together instead of being split between two hours of services!
Bible study at the church means everybody can be together again. We were split between two houses and I missed the people from the other house. I also think this will help us grow more, and I look forward to the new people coming!
I feel like the year starts over twice every year!! January is the calendar year, and September is the school year.
My friend Joy leaves on Saturday to go to Bosnia for a year to be a missionary. She told me two years ago that she wanted to be a missionary, and now she is going off to do that. I will miss her SO MUCH!!! :-(
Four awesome people from Slovakia were here for six weeks, and there time in America is over. They leave on Tuesday, and tonight I said goodbye to them, but since I'm terrible at goodbyes, it was short and sweet.
We won't be meeting at the Bartons' house anymore for bible study, we are moving it to the church. I will miss being at their house, seeing the kids every week and holding the baby, seeing Lee Ann, and just being there.
The beginning.
Every Tuesday morning I will be meeting with my friend Katie to read and talk about the bible! I'm so excited to do this with her and grow together and pray together.
This year I'm teaching 11th and 12th grade girls with Katie, and last year we had 9th and 10th grade girls. It will be at night this school year instead of Sunday morning. I look forward to having everybody together instead of being split between two hours of services!
Bible study at the church means everybody can be together again. We were split between two houses and I missed the people from the other house. I also think this will help us grow more, and I look forward to the new people coming!
I feel like the year starts over twice every year!! January is the calendar year, and September is the school year.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Rememer when?
I'm reading back through old journals. Back, back, back. You know what happens when you read them back? You laugh at funny things, you smile at great memories, and your heart aches at sad ones. You see answered prayers, things you missed, and you see the big picture. When years start blurring together, you can see where things changed. When you only remember the bad things about something, you can read back and find the good things. And vice versa.
It's funny to see where I wrote, "I will never...." and then it happened. Or "I'm certain that this will happen" and then it didn't. I swore I'd never like a certain guy. I swore I'd teach. I had grand plans.
I look at my mistakes. I look at my successes. I look at my past so I don't repeat it in my future.
And I think about how other people have forgotten all this stuff I have written down! They don't remember these things, just like I didn't until I read it again! There are some things that need to be shared again.
It's funny to see where I wrote, "I will never...." and then it happened. Or "I'm certain that this will happen" and then it didn't. I swore I'd never like a certain guy. I swore I'd teach. I had grand plans.
I look at my mistakes. I look at my successes. I look at my past so I don't repeat it in my future.
And I think about how other people have forgotten all this stuff I have written down! They don't remember these things, just like I didn't until I read it again! There are some things that need to be shared again.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Laughter, worship, and prayer
Last night we had our young adults' worship service with NorthStar. I sang along with 8 others - three played guitar, two switched out playing keyboard, and a few people jumped on one of those box drums called Cajon. We have done this once a month for a long time, but this "band" has been together since March.
We started off praying in the little kitchen. Who knows how we get on the topics we get on when we talk, but out of that I started saying, "bee-do, bee-do, bee-do" from the minions on Despicable Me 2. We noted that four of us had on green or greenish blue shirts on and were standing next to each other and it looked like the sea with the arrays of green and blues. And then one girl, Christina, had on a bright pink and orange skirt on and so she said she was a salmon in the sea. :-) Ah, yes, our funny conversations. We finally stood and held hands and prayed.
When we got on stage, Katie started off singing, "Oceans" by Hillsong, which is one of my favorite songs. And she rocked it. The next song was, "God's Great Dance Floor," by Chris Tomlin. Juraj led this song and played guitar. He is from Slovakia and is here for 6 weeks, and has an awesome voice! I saw smiles when we started the song and Juraj said, "It is hard to introduce a song in English so... welcome to God's Great Dance Floor." Tiffany led, "One Thing Remains" and played guitar as well during all of the songs and it was great! David led, "Beautiful Things," by Gungor, and at the end Katie and I sang the girl harmony section and when everybody joined in on their parts it was loud and beautiful, but I had to keep looking back to see if Katie and I were on the same beat/words because I couldn't hear her!
For the next song, I led, "Revelation Song," and for some reason as Juraj was playing the chords leading up to me starting, I couldn't hear the note I was supposed to start on! That has never happened for me! I started in a key that was way too low. After the first verse, I stopped and tried to listen again. Juraj almost stopped playing so I nodded and made the hand gesture for him to keep going. Finally I heard it right, and started in again. When I close my eyes to sing, I imagine that I am standing right in front of the Lord singing, and that takes away any nervousness or frustration at messing up. And then I just sing.
After communion, Bryan had us pray for Joy and Catherine who are leaving in a few weeks to go out of the country for a year. We all came around them and put hands on them and those around them. I hadn't expected to cry.... or sob for that matter. Then to turn right around and have to go back up on stage was a little tough! Mat'a led, "How Great is our God," and did an awesome job! She is also from Slovakia. She and Juraj sang part of the end in Slovak while we sang it in English. Beautiful.
Katie led, "At the Cross," and it was another great song. Christina led, "Jesus, Son of God," and her sweet voice made me proud. Right at the end of that song I realized I needed water and had left it against the wall off stage, so I put the mic down at the end and ran to get my water. I couldn't sing the next song without water! Katie and I sang verses for, "How He Loves," and that song had to be last because it wore me out!
We finished by praying for Aaron who is going to Indiana for 4 years. As we went to lay hands on him as well, we joked that we ran out of places to put hands on him. When Bryan prayed, at one point he said, "Help Aaron to find a good community where he going and to find great friends there too," and a ton of people said, "yes" or "uh-huh" or "mmm-hmmm" all at once and it was so funny that we all started laughing and then David threw in, "I echo that. I'm echoing your echo," which is from this funny video where they say all the things that Christians say and ham it up a bit. I think someone also yelled out, "Amen!" and then Bryan continued. In that moment where we were all laughing in the middle of prayer I just pictured God smiling on us too. Laughter and prayer was a beautiful thing.
After lots of hugs and conversations, some of us headed to Steak-n-Shake. When the waitress brought us waters, only a few of us had arrived to order them and more had then come. "Oh, I'm not sure who just got here... who needs a drink?" Brad D. said, "It's ok, we can share until more come." Everyone stopped and looked at him like he was crazy. We were like, "Um, no. We aren't sharing waters." Haha. Brad told us about the mugs and birdhouses he has made out of clay and sells, and how he's made mugs in blue, black, and another color that was kind of neutral but I forget which color. He said he wants them to be soothing and calm colors. I said, "Will you make me one in hot pink?!" So, we'll see about that. :-) It's ok, I don't need to be calm while I drink coffee. We talked about heaven and Brad joked that he wanted his own room. AJ wondered if we will have brains and I said probably not. We talked about the trinity, about bible verses, and things going on in our lives. Brad lost 50 cents to a cheap claw machine while trying to win a stuffed animal. Joy told us how almost all of her money has been raised to go to Bosnia and that she will be sending out monthly updates to us.
I write all of this to remember it.
We started off praying in the little kitchen. Who knows how we get on the topics we get on when we talk, but out of that I started saying, "bee-do, bee-do, bee-do" from the minions on Despicable Me 2. We noted that four of us had on green or greenish blue shirts on and were standing next to each other and it looked like the sea with the arrays of green and blues. And then one girl, Christina, had on a bright pink and orange skirt on and so she said she was a salmon in the sea. :-) Ah, yes, our funny conversations. We finally stood and held hands and prayed.
When we got on stage, Katie started off singing, "Oceans" by Hillsong, which is one of my favorite songs. And she rocked it. The next song was, "God's Great Dance Floor," by Chris Tomlin. Juraj led this song and played guitar. He is from Slovakia and is here for 6 weeks, and has an awesome voice! I saw smiles when we started the song and Juraj said, "It is hard to introduce a song in English so... welcome to God's Great Dance Floor." Tiffany led, "One Thing Remains" and played guitar as well during all of the songs and it was great! David led, "Beautiful Things," by Gungor, and at the end Katie and I sang the girl harmony section and when everybody joined in on their parts it was loud and beautiful, but I had to keep looking back to see if Katie and I were on the same beat/words because I couldn't hear her!
For the next song, I led, "Revelation Song," and for some reason as Juraj was playing the chords leading up to me starting, I couldn't hear the note I was supposed to start on! That has never happened for me! I started in a key that was way too low. After the first verse, I stopped and tried to listen again. Juraj almost stopped playing so I nodded and made the hand gesture for him to keep going. Finally I heard it right, and started in again. When I close my eyes to sing, I imagine that I am standing right in front of the Lord singing, and that takes away any nervousness or frustration at messing up. And then I just sing.
After communion, Bryan had us pray for Joy and Catherine who are leaving in a few weeks to go out of the country for a year. We all came around them and put hands on them and those around them. I hadn't expected to cry.... or sob for that matter. Then to turn right around and have to go back up on stage was a little tough! Mat'a led, "How Great is our God," and did an awesome job! She is also from Slovakia. She and Juraj sang part of the end in Slovak while we sang it in English. Beautiful.
Katie led, "At the Cross," and it was another great song. Christina led, "Jesus, Son of God," and her sweet voice made me proud. Right at the end of that song I realized I needed water and had left it against the wall off stage, so I put the mic down at the end and ran to get my water. I couldn't sing the next song without water! Katie and I sang verses for, "How He Loves," and that song had to be last because it wore me out!
We finished by praying for Aaron who is going to Indiana for 4 years. As we went to lay hands on him as well, we joked that we ran out of places to put hands on him. When Bryan prayed, at one point he said, "Help Aaron to find a good community where he going and to find great friends there too," and a ton of people said, "yes" or "uh-huh" or "mmm-hmmm" all at once and it was so funny that we all started laughing and then David threw in, "I echo that. I'm echoing your echo," which is from this funny video where they say all the things that Christians say and ham it up a bit. I think someone also yelled out, "Amen!" and then Bryan continued. In that moment where we were all laughing in the middle of prayer I just pictured God smiling on us too. Laughter and prayer was a beautiful thing.
After lots of hugs and conversations, some of us headed to Steak-n-Shake. When the waitress brought us waters, only a few of us had arrived to order them and more had then come. "Oh, I'm not sure who just got here... who needs a drink?" Brad D. said, "It's ok, we can share until more come." Everyone stopped and looked at him like he was crazy. We were like, "Um, no. We aren't sharing waters." Haha. Brad told us about the mugs and birdhouses he has made out of clay and sells, and how he's made mugs in blue, black, and another color that was kind of neutral but I forget which color. He said he wants them to be soothing and calm colors. I said, "Will you make me one in hot pink?!" So, we'll see about that. :-) It's ok, I don't need to be calm while I drink coffee. We talked about heaven and Brad joked that he wanted his own room. AJ wondered if we will have brains and I said probably not. We talked about the trinity, about bible verses, and things going on in our lives. Brad lost 50 cents to a cheap claw machine while trying to win a stuffed animal. Joy told us how almost all of her money has been raised to go to Bosnia and that she will be sending out monthly updates to us.
I write all of this to remember it.
I'm so glad God said no
I used to pray that I could go to Georgia College and State University. God said no. I only lived out of my parents house for 2 years, but in those 2 years and having to pull out loans for college, I realized I would have been in much more debt if I went to GCSU instead of KSU and living at home 3 out of 5 of those years. I also would have missed out on meeting the people who are at NorthStar now because I would have been somewhere else, and I don't know where I would have gone on my own after college since someone invited me to the NorthStar young adults' bible study. I'm so glad God said no to going to GCSU.
I used to pray that certain guys would like me or that God would let me date certain guys. God said no. Some of them I realized later that we wouldn't match up on certain things and it would probably be a problem if we dated. Some of them I realized didn't really fall under what I was looking for, I was just following my emotions and "attraction" and saw that I was blinded. Some of them I realized later that they weren't ready to be in a relationship, and maybe I wasn't either at certain times. Some of them I realized just fit better with other girls than me. I'm so glad God said no. I still pray for a husband, but I try to pray less for specific guys because obviously I've been wrong every time.
I used to pray to get a job at Books-A-Million. God said no. After working at Lifeway Christian Bookstore, a few years later I got an interview with BAM and found out there was a lot of stuff I would hate about working at BAM. I'm so glad God said no.
I used to pray that I could sing for the young adults' service at my previous church. God said no. The other college students in the band said I wasn't needed, or only wanted me to sing one tiny bit of one song and stand there the rest of the time. Later I realized that I would have hated it even if they let me sing with them because we didn't get along, and when I started singing once a month at my current church for the young adults' service I realized how full of LOVE and selflessness there is. I'm so glad God said no to singing at my previous church.
I used to pray that all my close friends would stay here, and live life with me. God said no. He has called them to other places, other countries, other cities, other places, to further His kingdom. To go and make disciples of all nations. To tell others the good news and some day be in heaven. I'm so glad God said no.
I used to pray that certain guys would like me or that God would let me date certain guys. God said no. Some of them I realized later that we wouldn't match up on certain things and it would probably be a problem if we dated. Some of them I realized didn't really fall under what I was looking for, I was just following my emotions and "attraction" and saw that I was blinded. Some of them I realized later that they weren't ready to be in a relationship, and maybe I wasn't either at certain times. Some of them I realized just fit better with other girls than me. I'm so glad God said no. I still pray for a husband, but I try to pray less for specific guys because obviously I've been wrong every time.
I used to pray to get a job at Books-A-Million. God said no. After working at Lifeway Christian Bookstore, a few years later I got an interview with BAM and found out there was a lot of stuff I would hate about working at BAM. I'm so glad God said no.
I used to pray that I could sing for the young adults' service at my previous church. God said no. The other college students in the band said I wasn't needed, or only wanted me to sing one tiny bit of one song and stand there the rest of the time. Later I realized that I would have hated it even if they let me sing with them because we didn't get along, and when I started singing once a month at my current church for the young adults' service I realized how full of LOVE and selflessness there is. I'm so glad God said no to singing at my previous church.
I used to pray that all my close friends would stay here, and live life with me. God said no. He has called them to other places, other countries, other cities, other places, to further His kingdom. To go and make disciples of all nations. To tell others the good news and some day be in heaven. I'm so glad God said no.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
#blessed
These people that God has brought into my life over the past year, and some longer, fuel me every week, inspire me, and spur me on to be a better person. They hold me accountable, they pray for me, they love me, and they speak truth into my life. Going from 4 years of very little friends to 3 years of deep friendships has been an overflowing well of water that just gushes. Words don't even describe it. It's a true picture of love amongst Christians that I want for my entire life. I hardly know how to show them my appreciation, but I try every time I'm around them to fully grasp the blessing so as not to take them for granted, ever.
# blessed
# blessed
Thursday, August 1, 2013
HA!
Funny happenings.
One coworker made a caramel Frappuccino and in the process of handing it to my other coworker, they managed to drop it straight into the trashcan. He had to make it again, and wasn't thrilled, but it struck me as hilarious. Better the trashcan than the floor!
For my entire life I've said that the nursery rhyme was, "Cheater cheater pumpkin eater," but I said that at work about something and my coworkers said, "What? It's Peter Peter pumpkin eater." I said, "But he had a wife and couldn't keep her, so I thought he was a cheater??" "No..." they said. I googled it and they were right. HA! Wow.
One of my coworkers said to me, "You looked like you were going to jump that guy. I would have been ok with that even though I'd have to get on to you." I said, "You'd be clapping and applauding me at the same time as saying, 'Stop it! Stop!'" Obviously I'd never actually jump somebody. But it was funny.
Tonight at Firehouse Subs I went to sit down. I pulled out the chair but somehow my foot pushed/kicked one of the legs and I lost my balance as the chair slid out from under me, but I grabbed on to the chair and finally sat down. Whew. Who knew sitting could be so awkward?
One coworker made a caramel Frappuccino and in the process of handing it to my other coworker, they managed to drop it straight into the trashcan. He had to make it again, and wasn't thrilled, but it struck me as hilarious. Better the trashcan than the floor!
For my entire life I've said that the nursery rhyme was, "Cheater cheater pumpkin eater," but I said that at work about something and my coworkers said, "What? It's Peter Peter pumpkin eater." I said, "But he had a wife and couldn't keep her, so I thought he was a cheater??" "No..." they said. I googled it and they were right. HA! Wow.
One of my coworkers said to me, "You looked like you were going to jump that guy. I would have been ok with that even though I'd have to get on to you." I said, "You'd be clapping and applauding me at the same time as saying, 'Stop it! Stop!'" Obviously I'd never actually jump somebody. But it was funny.
Tonight at Firehouse Subs I went to sit down. I pulled out the chair but somehow my foot pushed/kicked one of the legs and I lost my balance as the chair slid out from under me, but I grabbed on to the chair and finally sat down. Whew. Who knew sitting could be so awkward?
Friday, July 26, 2013
Words
Words I still remember that hurt a lot:
- "You only got that solo because you're the pastor's daughter." -middle school church choir
- "You're a cry baby." - middle school
- "You're a goody-goody." - middle and high school
- "Since everybody else has a partner I guess I have to be partners with you." - 8th grade
- "We're not best friends. We used to be, but we're not anymore. I thought you knew that." - high school
- "You have a butt part. When your hair is parted down the middle it's a butt part and it looks weird." -high school
After high school....
- "I didn't miss you while I was gone."
- "We aren't going to be friends anymore. Don't speak to me."
- "I know someone invited you to go to the movies with us, but I'm uninviting you because I think it'd be best if we weren't around each other."
- "You're just holier than thou."
- "I think it's fine if we joke about sex while we're at work... we're all adults here. Except for Jennifer."
- "I don't know why you're telling me that story. I don't really care."
- "I don't like you as more than a friend."
- "You could stand to lose some weight, especially in your stomach."
- "You're close-minded."
Words I still remember that were nice:
- "You don't speak a lot, but when you do, you project really well." - one of my 7th grade teachers
- "You sing amazing! I love your voice." - a bunch of people over time
- "You are my best friend and I can tell you anything." - middle school
- "You write really well." - a bunch of people over time
- "You're the only freshman that I like." - a senior in high school
- "You're the only person we've let baby-sit our daughter because we trust you." - high school
After high school....
- "You were the first person who was nice to me and made me feel accepted here."
- "You take great pictures!"
- "You handled that very maturely."
- "I look up to you."
- "You are beautiful."
- "I love you."
- "You were one of my favorite students."
- "I want to be friends with you again. I want to be close friends with you again."
- "You have a great work ethic and determination."
- "You have a way of seeing beauty in things that others don't."
- "I like talking to you. Stay."
- "You have such a great heart."
- "You're younger than me and have more discipline than me in reading the bible. I look up to you even though I'm older than you! And that encourages me to read it more! "
- "Thank you for not being passive aggressive and just talking about something that is bothering you with someone."
- "You have a good way of describing the way you feel and expressing that."
- "Remember when I was mad at you for something that you thought you were doing that was best for me a few years ago? You were right. And I'm so glad you did that, even when I was mad at you at the time."
- "Look what you went through before and look where you are now. You have come so far and I know that you can make it through this too."
- "You only got that solo because you're the pastor's daughter." -middle school church choir
- "You're a cry baby." - middle school
- "You're a goody-goody." - middle and high school
- "Since everybody else has a partner I guess I have to be partners with you." - 8th grade
- "We're not best friends. We used to be, but we're not anymore. I thought you knew that." - high school
- "You have a butt part. When your hair is parted down the middle it's a butt part and it looks weird." -high school
After high school....
- "I didn't miss you while I was gone."
- "We aren't going to be friends anymore. Don't speak to me."
- "I know someone invited you to go to the movies with us, but I'm uninviting you because I think it'd be best if we weren't around each other."
- "You're just holier than thou."
- "I think it's fine if we joke about sex while we're at work... we're all adults here. Except for Jennifer."
- "I don't know why you're telling me that story. I don't really care."
- "I don't like you as more than a friend."
- "You could stand to lose some weight, especially in your stomach."
- "You're close-minded."
Words I still remember that were nice:
- "You don't speak a lot, but when you do, you project really well." - one of my 7th grade teachers
- "You sing amazing! I love your voice." - a bunch of people over time
- "You are my best friend and I can tell you anything." - middle school
- "You write really well." - a bunch of people over time
- "You're the only freshman that I like." - a senior in high school
- "You're the only person we've let baby-sit our daughter because we trust you." - high school
After high school....
- "You were the first person who was nice to me and made me feel accepted here."
- "You take great pictures!"
- "You handled that very maturely."
- "I look up to you."
- "You are beautiful."
- "I love you."
- "You were one of my favorite students."
- "I want to be friends with you again. I want to be close friends with you again."
- "You have a great work ethic and determination."
- "You have a way of seeing beauty in things that others don't."
- "I like talking to you. Stay."
- "You have such a great heart."
- "You're younger than me and have more discipline than me in reading the bible. I look up to you even though I'm older than you! And that encourages me to read it more! "
- "Thank you for not being passive aggressive and just talking about something that is bothering you with someone."
- "You have a good way of describing the way you feel and expressing that."
- "Remember when I was mad at you for something that you thought you were doing that was best for me a few years ago? You were right. And I'm so glad you did that, even when I was mad at you at the time."
- "Look what you went through before and look where you are now. You have come so far and I know that you can make it through this too."
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Coincidences? Or not?
This post has been a long time coming. So here we go.
A lot of Christians (or most?) say that there are no such things as coincidences. I have asked God to open my eyes to the small things that he does in life, or even, "Where should I go eat lunch today so that I run into someone you want me to see and talk to?" Time and time again, He has brought me places to see people I needed to see or that they needed to see me. I remember the most distinct one was I had just gotten my free coffee at my Starbucks, and on the way home, as I passed by another Starbucks, I had this sudden huge urge to get another one. Why? I would have to pay for this second cup of coffee after I just finished my free one. But it was this urgency. Go. When I got there, there was a girl I hadn't seen in months and had no way to contact, who I had prayed for recently and didn't know how to reach out to her. Other times I have specifically prayed to see someone, and there they were! I don't usually say, "Woah, I just prayed about you, that I would see you, and here you are!!!" But sometimes I do.
Sometimes, I pray NOT to see someone. And then I see them anyways. Or all the time, in places I would not have normally seen them. And I think, why? Is it for a purpose, or is it not? Am I supposed to be learning something here? Or is the other person supposed to be learning something and I am just part of the process?
I have had situations where, although small, I thought God had made things happen for a specific reason, and then it turned out not to be what I thought it would be. And I was mad, wondering why God would let all those small things roll into a million things, misguiding me. I'm sure there are ways to make something out of nothing... and look into things and choose what you think it should mean.
There are times in life when I stomp my foot and say, "There ARE coincidences!! Sometimes when we think it's God, it's just not. It's just life happening."
But I haven't fully made up my mind yet.
A lot of Christians (or most?) say that there are no such things as coincidences. I have asked God to open my eyes to the small things that he does in life, or even, "Where should I go eat lunch today so that I run into someone you want me to see and talk to?" Time and time again, He has brought me places to see people I needed to see or that they needed to see me. I remember the most distinct one was I had just gotten my free coffee at my Starbucks, and on the way home, as I passed by another Starbucks, I had this sudden huge urge to get another one. Why? I would have to pay for this second cup of coffee after I just finished my free one. But it was this urgency. Go. When I got there, there was a girl I hadn't seen in months and had no way to contact, who I had prayed for recently and didn't know how to reach out to her. Other times I have specifically prayed to see someone, and there they were! I don't usually say, "Woah, I just prayed about you, that I would see you, and here you are!!!" But sometimes I do.
Sometimes, I pray NOT to see someone. And then I see them anyways. Or all the time, in places I would not have normally seen them. And I think, why? Is it for a purpose, or is it not? Am I supposed to be learning something here? Or is the other person supposed to be learning something and I am just part of the process?
I have had situations where, although small, I thought God had made things happen for a specific reason, and then it turned out not to be what I thought it would be. And I was mad, wondering why God would let all those small things roll into a million things, misguiding me. I'm sure there are ways to make something out of nothing... and look into things and choose what you think it should mean.
There are times in life when I stomp my foot and say, "There ARE coincidences!! Sometimes when we think it's God, it's just not. It's just life happening."
But I haven't fully made up my mind yet.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Prayers
I have a friend who went to India at the beginning of April. One story he told me from his trip was about a girl who was about seven years old. The mission team that went to India worked with an orphanage and when they asked the kids what they were thankful for, one girl said she was thankful that God protected her on her journey to that home. It was a simple thing to be thankful for on the outside... but later my friend learned the real story, and the depth of that thankfulness.
This girl's mother was a prostitute and had aids, so the pimp wanted to take her daughter. She said no, and they said they would either kill her or take her. She left with her daughter and her baby boy in the middle of the night and stared walking along the road. Since she was weak, the girl had to carry her brother a lot. They were barefoot, walking along the road for a HUGE distance - I forget how long - but weeks I think. At any moment the pimp could have pulled up in a car and gotten them, or they simply could not have survived. But they made it. That little girl prayed that God would protect them from death and evil and He did.
We pray to that same God, yet our prayers are often so much more shallow - asking for less traffic and more green lights so we aren't late, asking for a good day, that we get rid of our headaches or sinus problems, and that have patience with difficult people around us.
While I don't think that these are BAD things to pray for and nothing is too small to pray for, I think we overlook the big things unless there are bad things we're praying for to change. Or maybe we still don't pray for it then, because we don't believe He will change anything. Maybe you've prayed for something for ten years and still God has done nothing, so you stopped praying for it. Maybe you prayed big and God said no. And when we hear that "nothing is impossible for God," it sounds distant, as if it could happen occasionally, in someone else's life, but not ours. We fall into dull routines of daily monotony while there is an underlying ache and pain of this unanswered prayer or this unfulfilled desire. You try to rejoice with others who are receiving what you've been praying for, but sometimes it brings tears anyways.
I'm praying for two things right now that are so important to me, that I have no control over, that only God can do something with. And I'm afraid He's just going to say no again. I don't feel like telling any of my friends what those two things are, because I'm tired of telling them how God said no, and I feel embarrassed somehow, that I would ask God for something so important to me. It doesn't make much sense, but it's how I feel. There are so many scriptures about being persistent in prayer, being bold in prayer, and many other qualities that I'm just lacking because I'm worn out. Maybe everybody has these things in life, so close to their heart that they just can't share it with anyone, and God is the only they tell because it sounds too ridiculous to tell anyone else.
I'm sure we've all prayed for some big things. I know I have! And sometimes He has said yes and done amazing things.
Life. Crazy right?
This girl's mother was a prostitute and had aids, so the pimp wanted to take her daughter. She said no, and they said they would either kill her or take her. She left with her daughter and her baby boy in the middle of the night and stared walking along the road. Since she was weak, the girl had to carry her brother a lot. They were barefoot, walking along the road for a HUGE distance - I forget how long - but weeks I think. At any moment the pimp could have pulled up in a car and gotten them, or they simply could not have survived. But they made it. That little girl prayed that God would protect them from death and evil and He did.
We pray to that same God, yet our prayers are often so much more shallow - asking for less traffic and more green lights so we aren't late, asking for a good day, that we get rid of our headaches or sinus problems, and that have patience with difficult people around us.
While I don't think that these are BAD things to pray for and nothing is too small to pray for, I think we overlook the big things unless there are bad things we're praying for to change. Or maybe we still don't pray for it then, because we don't believe He will change anything. Maybe you've prayed for something for ten years and still God has done nothing, so you stopped praying for it. Maybe you prayed big and God said no. And when we hear that "nothing is impossible for God," it sounds distant, as if it could happen occasionally, in someone else's life, but not ours. We fall into dull routines of daily monotony while there is an underlying ache and pain of this unanswered prayer or this unfulfilled desire. You try to rejoice with others who are receiving what you've been praying for, but sometimes it brings tears anyways.
I'm praying for two things right now that are so important to me, that I have no control over, that only God can do something with. And I'm afraid He's just going to say no again. I don't feel like telling any of my friends what those two things are, because I'm tired of telling them how God said no, and I feel embarrassed somehow, that I would ask God for something so important to me. It doesn't make much sense, but it's how I feel. There are so many scriptures about being persistent in prayer, being bold in prayer, and many other qualities that I'm just lacking because I'm worn out. Maybe everybody has these things in life, so close to their heart that they just can't share it with anyone, and God is the only they tell because it sounds too ridiculous to tell anyone else.
I'm sure we've all prayed for some big things. I know I have! And sometimes He has said yes and done amazing things.
Life. Crazy right?
Saturday, May 25, 2013
No... because I love you.
Sometimes God says no because what we're asking for is stupid or would hurt us.
"Can I touch the fire?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because He has something better for us.
"Can I have some dirt for dinner?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because He has things for us to learn or He would get more glory from it, or others would come to know Him because of it.
"Can I live in a cave and never speak to anyone?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because it's not time yet or something isn't finished yet, and it will be later.
"Can I eat this uncooked hamburger?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because something else will fit better than what we're asking for.
"Can I move to China and be a ballerina there?" "No." "Can I marry Zach Effron?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because what we're asking for is sinful or wrong.
"Can you help me rob this bank?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because it's not about you, it's about someone else and God knows what's best for them too.
"Can you help my friend win the lottery?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because what we're asking for is selfish.
"Can I have more money so I can go on more vacations instead of giving it to the church or missions?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because we are suffering from consequences that WE messed up on, and He doesn't just fix everything every time we mess up.
"Can you get rid of this DUI I just got and make the police somehow lose my record?" "No."
And sometimes....maybe a lot of the times... God says no because He has a plan or a reason that we don't understand. Maybe we'll see the reason later in life, or maybe we won't know until heaven. He might say no to something that is reasonable, unselfish, and would bring Him glory, but He has different plans. It's not that He is unable, because with God nothing is impossible, and sometimes He says yes.
"Can I go on this mission trip?" "No." "Can you heal my friend and let her live?" "No." "Can you stop the tornado from killing people?" "No." "Can you tell me what my career path should be so that I can best tell others about you and glorify you?" "No."
Sometimes it seems like all God says is no. And we pitch fits, we cry, we get mad, we hurt, we doubt, we question.... not realizing that those "no's" are out of love. So turn around and look at all that God has said yes to, but also look at what He said no to that you're SO THANKFUL FOR now!!
When I was younger I wanted to work at a bookstore. When I was 17 I applied to Books-A-Million, the closest bookstore to my house, and didn't get it. Every time I changed jobs I applied there. I was so mad that I couldn't work there! When I finally got a job at Lifeway Christian Bookstore, it was not the "dream job" that I thought it'd be. There were still difficult people to deal with - both people I worked with and customers, as with all jobs! There were still unpleasant tasks and frustrating days. A year and a half ago when I was job hunting once again, I finally got an interview with BAM, and I thought since I had previous experience in a bookstore that they would for sure hire me. I got an interview, and after the lady asked me questions, I asked her questions. Come to find out, they got their pay rises depending on how well they sold magazine subscriptions (which it seems like nobody buys), there was only 2 people working at once generally (so people had to wait forever and nothing could get done), and many other things that I knew I would hate. I turned down the job. Even when I go there now, I love going in there and getting books and stuff, but watching the workers and how stressful it looks, I am so glad I didn't get a job there. God knew.
So many other situations have happened like that. So in the midst of sitting in a cloud, feeling directionless and hearing all no's, I know that God is still there. I know He still has everything under control. Praise the Lord.
"Can I touch the fire?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because He has something better for us.
"Can I have some dirt for dinner?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because He has things for us to learn or He would get more glory from it, or others would come to know Him because of it.
"Can I live in a cave and never speak to anyone?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because it's not time yet or something isn't finished yet, and it will be later.
"Can I eat this uncooked hamburger?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because something else will fit better than what we're asking for.
"Can I move to China and be a ballerina there?" "No." "Can I marry Zach Effron?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because what we're asking for is sinful or wrong.
"Can you help me rob this bank?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because it's not about you, it's about someone else and God knows what's best for them too.
"Can you help my friend win the lottery?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because what we're asking for is selfish.
"Can I have more money so I can go on more vacations instead of giving it to the church or missions?" "No."
Sometimes God says no because we are suffering from consequences that WE messed up on, and He doesn't just fix everything every time we mess up.
"Can you get rid of this DUI I just got and make the police somehow lose my record?" "No."
And sometimes....maybe a lot of the times... God says no because He has a plan or a reason that we don't understand. Maybe we'll see the reason later in life, or maybe we won't know until heaven. He might say no to something that is reasonable, unselfish, and would bring Him glory, but He has different plans. It's not that He is unable, because with God nothing is impossible, and sometimes He says yes.
"Can I go on this mission trip?" "No." "Can you heal my friend and let her live?" "No." "Can you stop the tornado from killing people?" "No." "Can you tell me what my career path should be so that I can best tell others about you and glorify you?" "No."
Sometimes it seems like all God says is no. And we pitch fits, we cry, we get mad, we hurt, we doubt, we question.... not realizing that those "no's" are out of love. So turn around and look at all that God has said yes to, but also look at what He said no to that you're SO THANKFUL FOR now!!
When I was younger I wanted to work at a bookstore. When I was 17 I applied to Books-A-Million, the closest bookstore to my house, and didn't get it. Every time I changed jobs I applied there. I was so mad that I couldn't work there! When I finally got a job at Lifeway Christian Bookstore, it was not the "dream job" that I thought it'd be. There were still difficult people to deal with - both people I worked with and customers, as with all jobs! There were still unpleasant tasks and frustrating days. A year and a half ago when I was job hunting once again, I finally got an interview with BAM, and I thought since I had previous experience in a bookstore that they would for sure hire me. I got an interview, and after the lady asked me questions, I asked her questions. Come to find out, they got their pay rises depending on how well they sold magazine subscriptions (which it seems like nobody buys), there was only 2 people working at once generally (so people had to wait forever and nothing could get done), and many other things that I knew I would hate. I turned down the job. Even when I go there now, I love going in there and getting books and stuff, but watching the workers and how stressful it looks, I am so glad I didn't get a job there. God knew.
So many other situations have happened like that. So in the midst of sitting in a cloud, feeling directionless and hearing all no's, I know that God is still there. I know He still has everything under control. Praise the Lord.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Fragile
We are china dolls living in glass houses. The smallest of things can break us. Even paper cuts us. Our hearts are made of clay, constantly changing and easily squished. We drive in bubbles that can burst at the slightest impact, and us with it. Yet some people drive as if we were invincible. We collect things that rust and disintegrate, we value the numbers on tests and money in the bank, and we search for temporary solutions to monumental problems. Our lives are wisps in the wind, a dot on a line, a millisecond in comparison to 1,000 years.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Vaguebooking
VAGUEBOOKING!
I'm terribly against it - it drives me crazy. I try my best not to do it, although I do sometimes. But for this post I am dedicating the entire thing to vaguebooking. And yes, I mean every bit of it. And no, you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. Cheers!
I can't believe that happened. To me.
Really? Are we 12? Let's all act our age. Stop being so immature.
Quit whining. It's like drenching a flower in soda, you're killing the happiness.
I just want to quit. I feel so trapped.
I have run away from problems, but that doesn't solve them.
I have 500,000 things to tell you and yet I can't even tell you one of them.
Even through some bad experiences in life I have learned so much, and use it to not make the same mistakes again.
I care so much that it hurts.
There are still moments when I'm thrown off guard and my heart stops for a second. I feel like as long as I'm mentally prepared ahead of time, I'm ok, but when I'm unprepared it still throws me.
I was getting burned because I was standing in the fire. At first when I stepped out of it I was still hurting from the burn that was caused, and in my confusion I thought I was freezing to death from the lack of the fire. But God opened my eyes to the reality of the situation and I praised Him for delivering me, I thanked Him for getting me out.
I hate the phrase, "He's not good enough for you" or "You can do better than him." No, and I wouldn't want someone to say that about me. While there are cases that it's actually true, it's not the norm. It's just that God has someone better fit for me than that person.
I'm terribly against it - it drives me crazy. I try my best not to do it, although I do sometimes. But for this post I am dedicating the entire thing to vaguebooking. And yes, I mean every bit of it. And no, you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. Cheers!
I can't believe that happened. To me.
Really? Are we 12? Let's all act our age. Stop being so immature.
Quit whining. It's like drenching a flower in soda, you're killing the happiness.
I just want to quit. I feel so trapped.
I have run away from problems, but that doesn't solve them.
I have 500,000 things to tell you and yet I can't even tell you one of them.
Even through some bad experiences in life I have learned so much, and use it to not make the same mistakes again.
I care so much that it hurts.
There are still moments when I'm thrown off guard and my heart stops for a second. I feel like as long as I'm mentally prepared ahead of time, I'm ok, but when I'm unprepared it still throws me.
I was getting burned because I was standing in the fire. At first when I stepped out of it I was still hurting from the burn that was caused, and in my confusion I thought I was freezing to death from the lack of the fire. But God opened my eyes to the reality of the situation and I praised Him for delivering me, I thanked Him for getting me out.
I hate the phrase, "He's not good enough for you" or "You can do better than him." No, and I wouldn't want someone to say that about me. While there are cases that it's actually true, it's not the norm. It's just that God has someone better fit for me than that person.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Yell me a symphony in the style of a rap
Yell me a symphony in the style of a rap.
Shine a flashlight at the sun.
Ride your bike on the interstate.
Kick your house until it falls over.
Call the White House and ask if you can rent a room there for a while.
Go to an airport, yell "bomb!" and start throwing water balloons at cops.
What? Those things don't make sense?
And yet
Praise music mixes with trash music.
Words of encouragement mixes with cuss words and sex talk.
Watching the Bible on TV and watching some graphic shows right after.
Being a leader but you can't find joy in the Lord.
Seeking the Lord and not respecting other people's boundaries.
Oh, I know, we are all human.
We all sin
We all fail
We all fall short of the glory of God.
But when your life doesn't make sense,
Drop everything and make changes
That only God can help you do.
Seek out friendships to support you,
Sacrifice your earthly desires,
And run as hard as you can into God's presence.
Let everything you do be put through the filter of God.
Your time, friendships, money, books, movies, music, words, decisions....
You'll begin to see life through new eyes.
Your perspective will change.
It is worth it because it is as close to our original image as we can be.
We are created in God's image.
Shine a flashlight at the sun.
Ride your bike on the interstate.
Kick your house until it falls over.
Call the White House and ask if you can rent a room there for a while.
Go to an airport, yell "bomb!" and start throwing water balloons at cops.
What? Those things don't make sense?
And yet
Praise music mixes with trash music.
Words of encouragement mixes with cuss words and sex talk.
Watching the Bible on TV and watching some graphic shows right after.
Being a leader but you can't find joy in the Lord.
Seeking the Lord and not respecting other people's boundaries.
Oh, I know, we are all human.
We all sin
We all fail
We all fall short of the glory of God.
But when your life doesn't make sense,
Drop everything and make changes
That only God can help you do.
Seek out friendships to support you,
Sacrifice your earthly desires,
And run as hard as you can into God's presence.
Let everything you do be put through the filter of God.
Your time, friendships, money, books, movies, music, words, decisions....
You'll begin to see life through new eyes.
Your perspective will change.
It is worth it because it is as close to our original image as we can be.
We are created in God's image.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Some Day
Some day.
Some day this won't matter
Some day I won't care
Some day these memories will blur
Some day I'll be ok.
But when?
It's not a choice
It's not a flip of the switch
It's not a moment in time
It's not easy.
My mask is on
My walls are up
My heart is locked away.
Some day
I might be thankful
I might have clarity
I might laugh at the absurdity
But not today.
You can ask me why
But I can't answer.
You can tell me this is dumb
But I know.
You can show me good reasons
But that doesn't fix it.
I know
It's like the rain that grows the flowers
The night that makes you appreciate the day
The fire that refines the gold
The chisel that perfects the sculpture.
I will praise Him in the storm.
His word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
I will bring Him glory through the testing of my faith.
I am His child whom He loves.
Some day this won't matter
Some day I won't care
Some day these memories will blur
Some day I'll be ok.
But when?
It's not a choice
It's not a flip of the switch
It's not a moment in time
It's not easy.
My mask is on
My walls are up
My heart is locked away.
Some day
I might be thankful
I might have clarity
I might laugh at the absurdity
But not today.
You can ask me why
But I can't answer.
You can tell me this is dumb
But I know.
You can show me good reasons
But that doesn't fix it.
I know
It's like the rain that grows the flowers
The night that makes you appreciate the day
The fire that refines the gold
The chisel that perfects the sculpture.
I will praise Him in the storm.
His word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
I will bring Him glory through the testing of my faith.
I am His child whom He loves.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Here I am
I don't remember exactly what age I was, but I know I was older than 7 because of the current house I'm in. Too big to ride my little purple tricycle, but still able to sit on it and push it with my feet and my knees off to the side because they didn't fit under the handlebars. My mom was in the garage/basement and I was pushing around on my too-small tricycle when I decided it would be fun to glide down our long driveway which is on a hill. My thought was that it would be a fun, fast ride to the bottom.
We all have those moments before the event happens when you think, "Oh, this is a good idea," and then it crashes and burns. And maybe it will forever occur in our lives because we are human.
I picked up my feet and started going down the driveway at a speed that was too fast and was unable to stop. I went shooting forward and landed on the concrete with some serious scraped up knees and I don't know where else was scraped up, I just remember my knees. I screamed and cried and my mom came to get me, helped me inside, and we worked on fixing up those wounds.
Here I am Lord, give me clear eyes to see what is smart or what would cause me damage, from the every day decisions to the biggest life decisions. Not to be paralyzed in fear of failure or pain, because it happens, but to sit still when needed, and act in a good way when it's time.
We all have those moments before the event happens when you think, "Oh, this is a good idea," and then it crashes and burns. And maybe it will forever occur in our lives because we are human.
I picked up my feet and started going down the driveway at a speed that was too fast and was unable to stop. I went shooting forward and landed on the concrete with some serious scraped up knees and I don't know where else was scraped up, I just remember my knees. I screamed and cried and my mom came to get me, helped me inside, and we worked on fixing up those wounds.
Here I am Lord, give me clear eyes to see what is smart or what would cause me damage, from the every day decisions to the biggest life decisions. Not to be paralyzed in fear of failure or pain, because it happens, but to sit still when needed, and act in a good way when it's time.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
How do you chose to view your life?
My life stinks.
I got a degree in Early Childhood Education and no longer want to teach, at least in a public school and I'm not sure about Christian schools yet. I'm making minimum wage and living at home while most of my money goes to student loans. I don't like working at Starbucks that much, and I don't know how long I'll be there. I feel stuck. And mad. I lack direction and passion and guidance. I hate people constantly asking me "what's next" and not liking my answer when I say I don't know. My coworkers sometimes make fun of me in ways that they are joking but also sometimes not joking, and those times hurt. I also want to be married and have wanted it for as long as I can remember, and it sucks watching all my friends get engaged and married. Why not me? Why has nothing even close happened? I know women who are amazing people, there's nothing wrong with them, and yet they have not married yet either, so I don't feel like something is "wrong" with me, I just don't understand why God hasn't answered that prayer yet. There are things in life that hurt me deeply, and daily. There are things I struggle with that I just have to put on a smile and move on. I want go back to Kenya, but I don't know how because my home church only sends 2 or 3 people (and sometimes those are just women) and I don't feel comfortable going in such a small group or without men. And I have never raised "all" the money to go on mission trips, I've had to save for a lot of it, and I just can't even save right now. I'm just treading water with money. I feel unmotivated a lot, and more as time goes on. On my off days or when I get home from work, I just spend it online or watching tv shows on my computer. It becomes frustrating when I keep trying to hang out with friends but no one can hang out, so I get tired of hearing no. And while I have hobbies and interests, I feel like there is always someone around who does it way better than me or I'm unable to enjoy a hobby for whatever reason.
There are people that were once in my life that are no longer in my life that I miss deeply. One was a girl who I was one of my best friends from 7th grade until about our 2nd year in college, and after a while she deleted her facebook, so I haven't been keeping in touch with her. When I tried she didn't really respond. I recently found out she got engaged and is getting married in November, and I don't even know if she'll invite me to her wedding, but that seems so weird to me because of how close we used to be. There was no "fight" or anything that pulled us apart, just time and different paths in life. And more than her, there are others as well, and some that are leaving my life soon.
My life is great.
At least I have a job. My parents and I get along and living at home isn't a terrible thing. It saves me money as well. I get free Starbucks every day. I like some of my coworkers. I don't know if my words or actions have impacted any of them, or maybe it will some day, but I've had a lot of moments where I've told them straight up about the Lord in a way that I never have before. I've had to chose to love them all even when some I clash with or get frustrated with all the time. I hope that even in a place I don't want to be that God is still using me. I am thankful that I haven't had a long string of boyfriends or carry around massive amounts of emotional baggage from bad relationships. I'm thankful for God's protection over me while I wait. I've been blessed to go to Kenya twice and Slovakia once, and while I long to go back to Kenya someday, I know that God is using me here in leading worship when I can, teaching high school girls on Sunday mornings, and other ways that are just as effective, if not more, than when I go on a mission trip. He has shown me that every DAY is a mission field in my life no matter where I am, and that brings me joy in spite of the struggle. I enjoy my time to myself a lot of times, so even though it's a little lonely, I'm also not hating it. While I sit for hours in a Starbucks or at a park reading and writing, I think to myself that one day when I have kids I might not be able to do that, so I better soak it up now and appreciate it! While I so look forward to going so many places with my future husband as well, even just local places or free places, I try to embrace this time alone to grow closer to God and reach out to other people too. There are seasons for everything and while I'm trying to pick my feet up and get a move on in life, wishing this time away, I know that this is just a season for me to slow down and let God work. I want to push forward but He wants me to just sit still. I'm trying to listen and act when I need to.
I have great people in my life. For 4 years in college I lacked deep friendships and prayed for them constantly, but hardly found them. When I came to the bible study I go to on Thursday nights, that is what I had been looking for. The friendships I've made there have been so important to me I can't even describe it. Beyond that group of people, I have also had others in random areas of my life that I have kept in touch with and am thankful for them as well. I've turned to others in my life for guidance, prayer, fun, and sometimes just hugs when I'm crying. I have poured out my life to others in return and helped others when I was able. Since I never know when someone in my life will come or go, I am constantly trying to make sure I show them I appreciate them and not take them for granted.
I got a degree in Early Childhood Education and no longer want to teach, at least in a public school and I'm not sure about Christian schools yet. I'm making minimum wage and living at home while most of my money goes to student loans. I don't like working at Starbucks that much, and I don't know how long I'll be there. I feel stuck. And mad. I lack direction and passion and guidance. I hate people constantly asking me "what's next" and not liking my answer when I say I don't know. My coworkers sometimes make fun of me in ways that they are joking but also sometimes not joking, and those times hurt. I also want to be married and have wanted it for as long as I can remember, and it sucks watching all my friends get engaged and married. Why not me? Why has nothing even close happened? I know women who are amazing people, there's nothing wrong with them, and yet they have not married yet either, so I don't feel like something is "wrong" with me, I just don't understand why God hasn't answered that prayer yet. There are things in life that hurt me deeply, and daily. There are things I struggle with that I just have to put on a smile and move on. I want go back to Kenya, but I don't know how because my home church only sends 2 or 3 people (and sometimes those are just women) and I don't feel comfortable going in such a small group or without men. And I have never raised "all" the money to go on mission trips, I've had to save for a lot of it, and I just can't even save right now. I'm just treading water with money. I feel unmotivated a lot, and more as time goes on. On my off days or when I get home from work, I just spend it online or watching tv shows on my computer. It becomes frustrating when I keep trying to hang out with friends but no one can hang out, so I get tired of hearing no. And while I have hobbies and interests, I feel like there is always someone around who does it way better than me or I'm unable to enjoy a hobby for whatever reason.
There are people that were once in my life that are no longer in my life that I miss deeply. One was a girl who I was one of my best friends from 7th grade until about our 2nd year in college, and after a while she deleted her facebook, so I haven't been keeping in touch with her. When I tried she didn't really respond. I recently found out she got engaged and is getting married in November, and I don't even know if she'll invite me to her wedding, but that seems so weird to me because of how close we used to be. There was no "fight" or anything that pulled us apart, just time and different paths in life. And more than her, there are others as well, and some that are leaving my life soon.
My life is great.
At least I have a job. My parents and I get along and living at home isn't a terrible thing. It saves me money as well. I get free Starbucks every day. I like some of my coworkers. I don't know if my words or actions have impacted any of them, or maybe it will some day, but I've had a lot of moments where I've told them straight up about the Lord in a way that I never have before. I've had to chose to love them all even when some I clash with or get frustrated with all the time. I hope that even in a place I don't want to be that God is still using me. I am thankful that I haven't had a long string of boyfriends or carry around massive amounts of emotional baggage from bad relationships. I'm thankful for God's protection over me while I wait. I've been blessed to go to Kenya twice and Slovakia once, and while I long to go back to Kenya someday, I know that God is using me here in leading worship when I can, teaching high school girls on Sunday mornings, and other ways that are just as effective, if not more, than when I go on a mission trip. He has shown me that every DAY is a mission field in my life no matter where I am, and that brings me joy in spite of the struggle. I enjoy my time to myself a lot of times, so even though it's a little lonely, I'm also not hating it. While I sit for hours in a Starbucks or at a park reading and writing, I think to myself that one day when I have kids I might not be able to do that, so I better soak it up now and appreciate it! While I so look forward to going so many places with my future husband as well, even just local places or free places, I try to embrace this time alone to grow closer to God and reach out to other people too. There are seasons for everything and while I'm trying to pick my feet up and get a move on in life, wishing this time away, I know that this is just a season for me to slow down and let God work. I want to push forward but He wants me to just sit still. I'm trying to listen and act when I need to.
I have great people in my life. For 4 years in college I lacked deep friendships and prayed for them constantly, but hardly found them. When I came to the bible study I go to on Thursday nights, that is what I had been looking for. The friendships I've made there have been so important to me I can't even describe it. Beyond that group of people, I have also had others in random areas of my life that I have kept in touch with and am thankful for them as well. I've turned to others in my life for guidance, prayer, fun, and sometimes just hugs when I'm crying. I have poured out my life to others in return and helped others when I was able. Since I never know when someone in my life will come or go, I am constantly trying to make sure I show them I appreciate them and not take them for granted.
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