That moment when you're teetering on the edge of two decisions, when you're walking on the fence and it's time to jump to one side or the other... or fall to one side or the other because here comes the wind and it's blowing...
And you're like, "Why did I even get up on this fence in the first place?"
Either one is going to be a smack in the face - neither side that I fall on will be a pretty fall. It will be the kind that smashes hearts and dropkicks feelings and enlarges insecurities. Because this fence isn't a short one, close to the ground like a fence between two yards in a neighborhood, it's a fence that rises high. I keep looking for a way down gracefully, with my heart in tact, but it's not a chain linked fence, there is no other way down.
Part of me thinks, "The sooner the better. Bring it."
It's a time when I'm not sure what to pray for, I am at a loss for words. Sure, I can whine and complain about unfair things are or how emotional I am, but God's heard it. I can't pray with certainty on which way I should fall, because I don't even know. I guess I am praying that God would let circumstances push me to one side or the other, that He would lead me in a way that I cannot chose on my own.
Yes, this is all cryptic and vague - but I have to write about it. I have to get it out, I have to process it. And in some ways, I'm sure if someone reads this they can relate to a similar situation in their head and think, "Yes! That's how I feel about ______."
Maybe in a year I will read this back and think, "Whew, glad that's over."
No comments:
Post a Comment