I Can't Find the Key

I want to know what lights you up
What drives your motives 
What breaks your heart. 
I want to know who you love the most
Who drives you crazy 
Who pushes you on. 
I want to know where you call home
Where you long to be 
Where you can't get far enough away from.
I want to know when you figured out your passions 
When you felt the most loved 
When you were most alive. 
I want to know what makes you tick 
What makes you you 
What makes you laugh until you cry. 

But the door is locked. 
I can't find the key. 
I tried to burn the door down
Or break the lock 
But it's standing strong as could be. 
There's only a little window
With a little view 
Of these treasures that I can see inside, 
But sometimes the lights are off
Or the window fogs up,
And I wait patiently for it to clear up. 
The only way this door will open 
Is if you open it from the inside. 

But I don't think you're home. 

There's no footsteps when I ring the doorbell 
No face in the window when I knock
No music playing in another room as I sit against the door and wait. 
Other people have shown up to the door

And sometimes I've stepped back to watch them try to get in

But they have also failed. 

Some keep trying, some have left. 

Well meaning people have told me to leave and I kindly rejected their advice. 

I was sure that if I waited...

But I still don't think you're home. 

So I'm going back to my own house

And I'm locking my door. 

I've taken in the spare key

And turned off the lights. 

If you want to find me 

You'll have to be the one to come knocking on my door. 

I won't be at yours anymore. 

I can't watch one more person try to knock on that door

That I thought would open for me, 

I can't keep knocking until my knuckles are sore

Or stand in the rain anymore. 

I can't keep sticking letters under the door,

Wondering if you actually read them.

But I don't think you'll be knocking on my door. 

I don't expect you to write back

Or wait for me in the rain

Or wait when my window fogs up. 

I don't expect you to care about what makes me tick

Or makes me laugh until I cry. 

There's a time to be hopeful, 

And a time to let hope die. 

It wasn't a time wasted by any means

And I'm not mad. 

I'm just finished knocking on a door of an empty house

Expecting a person to show up and pull me in

And lock the door behind us. 

Never have I ever

Never have I ever...

1. Been asked if I wanted to dance with a guy
2. Stood with the other single girls at a wedding and tried to catch the flowers. I think it's stupid. Someone always calls me out, "Hey! You're single! Go up there!" and I'm always like, "No." That's not something I'll be doing at my wedding.
3. Been on a ferris wheel
4. Cooked bacon or pancakes correctly
5. Opened at Starbucks (they get there at 5 AM. The earliest I've gotten there is 7 AM.)
6. Seen a TON of movies.
7. Liked shopping for shoes
8. Gotten drunk
9. Said a cuss word
10. Used an Uber
11. Shoplifted
12. Been a designated driver
13. Wanted a tattoo
14. Dyed my hair
15. Kissed a guy on a first date
16. Eaten sushi (gross)
17. Been on a cruise (I really want to go!)
18. Been to a major league baseball game (or any other major sporting event)
19. Been able to tread water
20. Been able to change my own tire

I quit

I'm not one to give up or quit something very easily. Persistence, determination, and addiction are in my blood. But I learned in high school that your greatest strengths are often your greatest weaknesses.

It's a strength when I can sit down and edit pictures for hours on end without distraction and I love it. It's a weakness when I watch TV or play a computer game or scroll through facebook and other social media for hours on end.

It's a strength when I love someone with all that I have. It's a weakness when it's not returned but I continue anyways.

It's a strength when I am volunteering, planning, and serving. It's a weakness when I become judgmental of others who don't have the same pace a me, or who come up with good ideas but lack the initiative to put it into action.

It's a strength when I get deep in to studying the bible and just keep going. It's a weakness when I get addicted to some type of junk food and eat too much of it.

It's a strength when I'm working towards achieving a goal. It's a weakness when I get so caught up in whatever I'm doing that I go to bed way too late, don't get enough sleep, or sleep through my alarms the next morning.

So here I am to say: I quit. Ironically, it will take persistence in quitting things for me, not one that comes naturally or quickly, but one where I really have to try hard. I quit binge watching TV or playing computer games. If there's a time when I can play or watch with moderation, cool, but if it starts to get out of hand, I'll cut it all out again. I will quit giving so much love to people who aren't going to return it, because I'm looking for someone who fully returns it. I will quit judging people as much as humanly possible for their lack of speed or lack of planning or lack of following through. I will quit eating so much junk food simply to satisfy my taste buds for the few minutes that I'm eating it. I will quit staying up so late that it affects my sleep or my getting up process.

The weird thing is, short term or in moderation, those things are ok. (Except for the judging part.) They make me happy. They are human nature to do or like. But in the long run they are harmful. In quitting, it's the reverse - I'll be unhappy right now, but hopefully it will pay off in the long run.

TWO words for my 2016

I've never picked a "word for the year," but we're doing it this year at bible study, so I might as well. :-) So I was thinking about it, and knew right away what I wanted to pick. But, just in case, I looked up some online to see if I liked any of them better. Nope. However, it's TWO words, because I need the adjective to make this work right.

2016: Extravagant Love.

If it were just "love," that wouldn't be good enough. Not ordinary love, not conditional love, not behind-the-scenes love.

Specifically...

~Love with my time: spending time with people I love, but also people who really need it. People who need friend time, people who don't have many friends, people who are difficult to love. I also want to use my time to volunteer at church or when people need help.

~Love with my money: I want to give more when I can, to church or to individuals, which means spending less on myself.

~Love with my strengths and talents: doing things for others based on what God has given me.

~Love with my actions: I want to write more letters to people and encourage people more, meet other people's needs when I am able to, and be intentional.

Love that thinks of others first... that lets people sit up front in the car, that helps clean up things when I don't want to, that keeps my mouth shut when I'm about to snap back something rude, and that ultimately brings glory to God. Some people haven't ever been loved with the love of Christ. Some people reject that kind of love, and are confused by it. It's kind of like when it's really dark and you turn the lights and everybody squints and grimaces and says, "Ah! That's so bright!" It's because they've been so used to the dark.

"So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” - John 13:34-35

The sound of a gentle whisper after the storm

In 1 Kings 19, Elijah has just finished up some amazing miracles. But someone named Jezebel threatened to kill him, and Elijah fled.

"Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough, Lord,' he said. 'Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.' (1 Kings 19:4)

He traveled 40 days to Mount Sinai. This was serious business. He was on a mission to get to God.

“But the Lord said to him, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ Elijah replied, ‘I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too.’ ‘Go out and stand before me on the mountain,’ the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.” (1 Kings 19:9-13)

Thankfully, nobody is trying to kill me. But a current day scenario for me is something like this…

There are important things going on in my life. And there was a lot of entertainment to distract me from feeling sad about these things, but the Lord was not in the entertainment. There was a lot of helpful advice and opinions from friends and people who could listen well, but the Lord was not in their opinions. And after all of this, there was the sound of a gentle whisper in the silence. When Facebook and Twitter and music was turned off, when friends were in their own homes, and when it was just me and God. And the background noise of the world seems to be like the static of the radio when you’re going out of range from the station on the way to another state. I’m thankful for social media, games, books, and movies, and I’m thankful for amazing friends and their prayers for me. But to hear from God specifically, all that must be put aside.

Because the thing is, we can talk all day about how our lives should change, our actions and reaction should be different, we should have less road rage, we should love our coworkers better… but unless we get to the heart matters first, those actions won’t stick. Our thoughts are a battlefield. Our emotions seem to be uncontrollable so many times. So when you get your heart right first, your actions will follow. And to get your heart right, you have to spend time with the Lord. Not in a begrudging way, but in a ways that reminds us that this AMAZING God who created all of creation wants to communicate with us, but we miss it a lot! I’ve heard something once that said, “Do you think God would send Jesus to die for you, and then not talk to you very much after that?” No!

So I’m trying to tune out the world for a while. It’s hard. Friends tell me, “You haven’t seen this movie yet?! You have to see it!” or “Did you see ______ on Facebook?!” They come to me with great advice on things that I’m dealing with or things that are on my heart, or just listen to me vent or talk through things, and that is also great, but it will just continue to be my words rambling into space, circumstances unchanging, until I hear from the Lord.

While I’m not really being hunted down to be killed, I am being attacked by satan – a spiritual killing.

Besides specifically asking the Lord for answers or results or circumstances to change, I want to continue to seek HIM and know Him more. This in itself is an adventure that we let fall into routine or a basic chore. It would be like someone saying, “Oh yeah, every week I fly to a different country, explore the place for a while, and then fly to the next country. I’ve done it for a few years now, it’s pretty cool, but it’s pretty normal. It’s just what I do.” No! I would hope that person would constantly be journaling, taking pictures, and be ecstatic about the opportunity to see the world! Daily we get an opportunity to spend time with God, and I hope we get out of the habit of making that sound normal. 

Iron Sharpens Iron

"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." - Proverbs 27:17

Wait a second - that looks painful! There's like fire coming off of that thing! And I've seen it in real life recently, when there was construction done on our new church building, and it's loud. (I didn't take or make that picture - I found it on google and I love it.)

Who doesn't love having someone encourage them, compliment them, and build them up? It is such an important characteristic in life. But I'm not looking for someone who is my biggest fan. I'm looking for someone who will sharpen me AND encourage me, and vice versa. Sharpen, not criticize. Constructive criticism, yes. I don't want someone who agrees with me on every single thing I say, or tries to like every movie and book and CD and article I've ever liked. I want someone who can say, "You know, I don't quite agree with that article -have you ever thought of _____?" or "That's not really my style of music. But if I hear of any other similar artists, I will send them your way!" or even, "I don't think you should be watching that TV show -it has a lot of bad stuff in it." I want someone to say, "So you said you weren't going to play any computer games / video games because they are too addicting and cut into your time with God - how is that going? Have you failed any? How can I pray for you in that?" It means listening to what's hard in someone's life, and then trying to help them through it, or see it with a different perspective. A person can give you a different perspective that totally changes your own, but if they were just to agree with you on everything, you'd miss that.

I once said to a friend, "I realized that whenever I'm around __________, I start talking bad about people, and join in her negativity without realizing it, until later I look back at the conversation and think about how bad it actually was. If you see us talking, and have the chance, will you come over and join in for a minute and see if I'm still doing that? Now that I've told you, I will be aware of what I'm saying when you come over." Holding someone accountable always sounds like a good idea, until you try to practice it, and then it is usually really challenging. Because what if my friend was busy? Or thought, "I don't have time to go monitor their conversation." But she did come over when she saw us talking for more than a few minutes.

It's challenging. It's difficult. I once asked a friend, "What do you see in my that I should change?" and she told me. I knew it was true, and I worked on it. It was hard. Can I say it any other way? It pushed against my selfishness, my pride, my sin. And it changed me. It's like sculpting - you chisel away at a piece of stone or marble, sculpting yourself or allowing others to help - and it's painful, and then it's beautiful. Suddenly you're this smoothed out, awesome looking sculpture, that could only have been achieved by that chiseling away. Of course we are never "complete" until we die, because we always have things to work on.

Now I can't just walk up to anybody and ask them to sharpen me. I can't just hand anybody a chisel and say, "Have at it," because if I don't trust their judgement or feel like they're just saying things to be rude, then they'll actually do more damage than good. Suddenly I'll question what is true, or feel paranoid about things for a few years. Allowing someone's wrong opinion about you to sink in is like letting a few drops of poison into your blood, where the heart pumps it out to the rest of your body. 

"Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works." - Hebrews 10:24

"If you listen to constructive criticism,  you will be at home among the wise." - Proverbs 15:31

When we don't know what to pray...

My brain is full. It's too full. It's overflowing. I wish it would stop. 

I had lunch with my friend Emily today, and we talked for FOUR hours! It was great. But my brain is still full steam ahead. Like what the heck, why can't I have used up my words for the day? I talked to my parents for a while tonight too. It's not just today, it's been all week. I've been around people still... but I feel like something is missing. 

You know those times when you pray one thing, and follow it up with the exact opposite? Not because you are being selfish on one hand and then saying, "But your will be done," but because you don't know what to pray? Like, "Please help me to get this job, I really hope this is the job you want for me. But if it isn't, please help me not to want it. Please help me just be ok with not getting it, and know that you have something else for me later. But I want this job. But if I shouldn't have it, because maybe it's actually a terrible job, then I'm glad you won't let me have it. Then what job am I supposed to have? Why can't you help me get the RIGHT job now? Please help THIS one be the right one. I hope this is it..." 

I mean, what does God even do with prayers like that? Side note - that's not happening right now. It's happened in the past for sure, but I'm not currently talking about that. That's just my example because I don't feel like talking about what I'm actually praying about. Side note over. I hope that even in my confusion of what to pray for, or when my head and heart are saying opposite things to God, that He doesn't let those prayers be wasted. Even that thought process - I KNOW prayer can't be wasted, but I FEEL like it sometimes is. But I know scripture trumps feelings. 

I know that, "The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words." (Romans 8:26) That's such a cool thing! 

Things I love and hope to be

The past few weeks have been kind of... weird. Unpredictable. In fact, I can't even think of the right word to describe it, so I'm just going to go ahead and explain why.

When I make plans to do things or be at things or get lunch with somebody, I "write it in pen." "Let me pencil that in" is not in my vocabulary. I put all of my things into my phone, but I mean I literally say, "I'll be there" or I won't. "Maybe" isn't really an option for me. I hate that there's a "maybe" option on events on Facebook, and then I made an event yesterday and Facebook changed that word to "interested." Still not a fan. I've slept in passed my alarm before and missed a few things and I HATE when I do that, so I'm not saying I've got it all together. 

This Friday we were supposed to have a worship night - we planned it a few months ago - but a lot of other things were going on and we didn't plan it, and so we cancelled it. But I'd asked off from work for it a few weeks ago, so I have Friday off. Also a few weeks ago, someone put on the church calendar that they wanted to have a family night at church for a life sized candy land game, and I wanted to do that! But it got moved too. Monday night a girl in our bible study suggested we have a girls' night this Friday, and now that is the plan! 

Saturday night of this week was supposed to be a worship night at the new church building, but we didn't get in the building in time, so it's moved to the next Saturday. But I work, so I don't know if I can get it switched or not. Thursday is always bible study, but the people's house we go to, they got lice so we had to cancel bible study (which pretty much never happens). I was supposed to get Waffle House with a friend after bible study tomorrow night, but she couldn't have made it anyways so we moved it to next Thursday instead. 

I stopped writing things on my calendar on my phone. 

Some of these things are legit reasons why things had to be moved or changed or cancelled. I'm not pointing fingers and saying people need to get it together and be more committed even. (Although some people should be.) I'm just saying that a LOT of things have been up in the air and moved all around the past few weeks. The examples above are just a few examples. People at work, we've all had to switch shifts around for different reasons, it's been hard for me to get together with some people, and it's been hard to make any plans at all in other cases, because nothing is concrete. 

There are only a few people in my life who I know won't cancel on me unless they are really sick, not just have a headache. If they have homework / work to do, they get it done before they meet with me, instead of cancelling on me because they procrastinated. If they say they'll be somewhere, I know they'll be there, they'll likely be early, and they'll likely be helping setup or tear down. Those are my favorite people. And if they can't be there, they just go ahead and say so, instead of saying, "I might be there," and then not show up. I would rather someone just say that. Only a few people in life will answer the phone when I call and just need to talk, or I text them and say, "I need to talk to you -when is the best time to do that?" and they immediately call me right then. (I mean, if one of us is at work then it doesn't work, but I mean outside of that.) I love the consistent people in my life. "See you Sunday!" I can only firmly say that to some people. To others I have to ask, "Will I see you on Sunday/ Thursday / etc?" I hope and strive to be all of those things too. Consistent, persistent, reliable, honest, and available. 

Looking back at 2015

I love the end of December when I reflect on my year... I make lists of things that happened, things I learned, things I did for the first time, books I read... Sometimes I make picture slideshows, sometimes I don't. It's not the end of December yet, but I'm starting my lists now anyways. Maybe I'll add to them at the end of December if something changes. :-) 

Books I read this year

Thanks to Goodreads.com I have the list handy! 

1. Prayer Warier, by Stormie Martin

2. Passion and Purity, by Elizabeth Elliot

3. You and Me Forever, by Francis and Lisa Chan

4. The Maze Runner, by James Dashner

5. Hacker, by Ted Dekker

6. I Am Not But I Know I Am, by Louie Giglio

7. Angles Walking, by Karen Kingsbury

8. Chasing Sunsets, by Karen Kingsbury

9. Ordinary, by Michael Horton

10. Breathe, by Priscilla Shirer

11. The Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

12. Compulsion, by Martina Boone

13. The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

14. Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis

15. Fervent, by Priscilla Shirer

16. Persuasion, by Martina Boone

Firsts in 2015

-I joined the hospitality team at church to greet people on Sunday mornings

-Took my first two senior pictures

-Took pictures for a house to sell

-Took staff photos for my church

-Hiked ALL of Kennesaw Mountain (6 miles, 3 hours-ish)

-Played Settlers of Catan

-Had bubble tea

-Had a nutella milkshake (YUM)

-Had mac and cheese pizza

-Went to an Australian bakery/cafe

-Took pictures for a girl's first birthday 

-Took newborn pictures with his siblings

-I went on a date to a fancy restaurant called "Elevation" and had a strawberry kiwi margarita with nitrogen, where it was the texture of sherbet and it was pouring out fog

-Going to take pictures in 2 weeks for a fancy holiday party for a company

-Went to new coffee shops in Atlanta

Other events in 2015

-Helped out with a middle and high school girls retreat / weekend

-Went to 2 funerals

-Went to Piedmont park with my friend Joy

-Wrote on the floors of our new church building we are moving into and took pictures for it

-Took family Christmas pictures

-Went to Tacoma, WA for my younger cousins' wedding

-Went on 2 leadership retreats

-Went to a baptism at the lake for people at church who wanted to get baptized

-Went to "Celebrate Freedom" - a Christian concert with different artists, with my friend Emily

-Did lots of things for people's birthday! 

-Had worship nights with my bible study where I sang

-For my birthday, they gave me a cookie cake at Steak and Shake, I had Mellow Mushroom with some of my closest friends, went to the Cheesecake Factory with my friend Kesley, and more!

-I had breakfast, lunch, dinner, and coffee with far more people than I could possibly count or keep up with. Lol. 

-I got rid of all my teacher stuff - lesson plans, teacher books, resources, classroom decorations, etc. 

-Took pictures at our church's fall festival

-Took pictures for a golf tournament to raise money for people going to Slovakia

-I finished up helping with administrative things for Kenya stuff at my home church

-I had a few weeks of a terrible job that I thankfully didn't leave Starbucks for yet

Things I learned this year

-I don't ever want to be that girl who likes a guy and proceeds to like and comment on everything he posts. If we're in a relationship then cool, I'll like whatever I want to. 

-I really grew in how to study the bible this year, how to write good questions for our bible study, and how to dig deeper in the Word

-I learned what it looked like to watch 9 season of How I Met Your Mother in a short amount of time, and then realize I needed a severe break from binge watching tv

-I continued to learn the importance of good communication - amongst friends, coworkers, family members, in frustrating times, in good times, and in confusion, and how important it is to use your words instead of ignoring someone or assuming something or staying mad at somebody or being passive aggressive

-Sometimes I have too high of expectations of others. Sometimes I have to lower my expectations of others, or manage my disappointment better. 

-I'm not responsible for everyone else's walk with the Lord. I can lead well, share well, pray for them, help them, and be there for them, but the most important thing is that MY walk with God is good and am doing what He asks of me and the rest is up to Him. I can't force people to be more disciplined or read the bible more or feel more convicted of their sin if they aren't. 

-I've always known how important friendship is, but this year has been a deeper understanding of friendship. There have been times when I was crying and needed people to talk to and I talked to them on the phone or went to their house. There was a time when someone tried to steal my dad's tire off his car when my parents were out of town and I freaked out and someone came over to put it back on. There were times when a friend was tired but they talked to me anyways. There were times when friends prayed for me wherever we were. I saw unconditional love, honesty, patience, and encouragement. I saw us sharpen each other.