The battle

The battle between desire and trying to give that up to God is a battle that rages fiercely. To constantly pray that my heart is aligned with His, that my desires are only what He wants me to have, and that all else falls away, but then for my heart not to change is something I don't understand. There are days when I just don't want to think about it - I just want to read books and watch TV so I don't have to think about it or feel it. You'd think work would be busy enough to keep my mind occupied, but it's not always. "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" That quote used to haunt me, because I knew that I used to talk about my desires and things I wanted far more than I prayed about it, but now it is the absolute opposite. Sure, I'll still talk about it sometimes, but now I've prayed about it so much more than I have talked about it. By hours upon hours. I am that persistent neighbor knocking on the door from the parable in the bible. One day when I get to heaven God will probably say, "Well, persistence is something you did not lack in your prayers. You stood before me asking me the same thing for years."

This morning in church, our pastor talked about how the example of Elijah praying for rain in James was used as an example because "The picture of rain pouring out of heaven onto desperately dry ground is a perfect illustration of God's outpouring of spiritual healing and restoration into the desperate souls of the spiritually broken." Elijah prayed several times for the rain to come. He kept sending someone to go look for clouds, and none were coming. He kept praying. And finally there was a distant cloud.

As a child, we have different desires than we do as adults. Getting a barbie doll was hugely important to me. (So was books, but I still like those!) Today, I have the money and ability to buy as many barbies as I want, but of course I don't want them. I often pray that if God will not fill a desire in my life, that He will literally take it away in that same sense. That I literally will not want it anymore. He has done it before in the past for specific things, but others He has not. Sometimes it was an immediate change in my heart, and other times it took a few years. Others still remain.

I feel like it's the same ache as being hungry. But I can't go eat. It's the same ache as needing Aloe Vera on sunburned skin, but I can't find any aloe. It's not this minor annoyance that can be subsided with some Tylenol or a band aid. At the same time, there are people around me who get their desires filled, the same ones I'm praying for, so they're eating feasts around me and using up all the Aloe. And I'm sure they have their own desires and misfortunes in life, but from what I can see, God has filled that desire for them. And not me. I know it is not because He doesn't love me as much. And I know He has a purpose. But that doesn't lessen the pain.

Watch out!

“Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your Father in heaven. When you give to someone in need, don’t do as the hypocrites do—blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity! I tell you the truth, they have received all the reward they will ever get. But when you give to someone in need, don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Give your gifts in private, and your Father, who sees everything, will reward you." - Matthew 6:1-4

The modern day version of blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets is blasting about it on Facebook and other social media, disguised by words such as, "I'm so blessed to get to serve/give..." "I'm so humbled by the opportunity to serve/give..." "I get to serve/give today and all the glory goes to God!"

LOOK HOW GREAT I AM! LOOK HOW MUCH I DO FOR GOD! LOOK HOW GIVING I AM!

Listen, I get that it's a struggle. I get that you are excited about it. I love taking pictures, so I want to take pictures of what I love and what is going on around me, but at the same time I don't want to be that person who takes pictures of things to say, "Look at me serving! Look at me doing these good things! Look at me being helpful!" I'm not saying everybody who does that doesn't give and serve with a genuine heart or reasoning behind it, but it’s exactly what those verses in Matthew are talking about. They are done publicly, and not just in front of the people you’re serving, which is one thing, but in front of your hundreds of Facebook “friends.”

And maybe I’m overly frustrated because I’m on Facebook a lot, and it’s all over Facebook. Maybe I’m frustrated because we don’t address it enough or keep each other accountable enough in this area. And if by chance we bring it up, we’re afraid of offending someone. The last time I told someone their Facebook stuff was inappropriate or questionable, guess how that went down? Not well. So it’s been a long time. Because we don’t want to be hypocrites or judgmental or point out a speck in somebody’s eye when we have a log in our own but for crying out loud, we’ve got to be the ones who keep each other accountable or no one ever will! Can you imagine standing in heaven when God says, “Well, you lost most of your rewards in heaven because you were really showy on Facebook, and none of your friends were willing to confront you about it.” Now I don’t know what the rewards in heaven are, but they’re made to be a big deal in the bible. So, I’m going to assume that it is. I feel like staying off Facebook all together would do a lot of people a lot of good. Not just in this area, but in jealousy, in anxiety, fear, worry, anger, doubt… There’s a whole myriad of emotions that facebook drags to the surface of our hearts that don’t even belong there.

Let’s just call it as it is – Facebook is often a sin. It can be a stumbling block. It’s where we flaunt our pride. It’s where we rely on what we see from other people’s posts instead of what God is telling us.

This post isn’t just about the evils of Facebook, because we’ve all read a million of those articles, but it is really about the fact that sometimes people are so quick to call attention to themselves in the ways that Matthew says to watch out for… and we aren’t watching out for it. We aren’t watching out for ourselves, nor are we watching out for our friends. Not as a whole – some people never post on Facebook, some people post things that are just basic or funny or actually giving glory to God on Facebook. I’m not giving a sweeping statement here to everybody ever. It’s just something I see and that bothers me. And a reminder to myself that I do not want to do that or be that or ever become that. May God send people into my life to be bold enough to tell me if I am leaning that way or becoming too showy. 

I'm going to Charleston!

In 22 days I'm going to Charleston, South Carolina for the first time. I have always heard great things about it. I have always wanted to go. I will only be gone for 5 days, and really 2 of those will be driving days. I haven't been to the beach in 5 years. I've been looking online, on Pinterest, on Instagram, and looking through the streets of the Charleston area on the street view. And because I wanted to see the inside of those beautiful houses and mansions, I found a place that listed houses for sale there, and saw the insides of houses that cost 2 million to 6 million dollars. WOW.

I can't wait to go see the beautiful things, take pictures of them, eat ice cream, go to the beach, go to gardens and parks, and enjoy the time there. I've heard that this is one of the places that photographers love to go because of the doors, gates, houses, detail, trees, ocean, and more. The beautiful things. The decorated things. The southern charm things. I love all the porches there! My mom and I are staying at a hotel to the west of Charleston about 20 minutes away, and hotel looks normal but I really like hotels too. The one we'll be staying in has a pretty lobby, a pretty outside area in the back, and a snack bar. Lol.

Call me crazy, but I already love Charleston and I've never been before. Call me even crazier, but I want to live there some day. And since I asked my mom if we could go to Charleston two weeks ago, I've been feeling this crazy excitement to go.

Breathtaking

"There once was a community of believers who were so totally devoted to God that their life together was charged with the Spirit's power. In that band of Christ-followers, believers loved each other with a radical kind of love. They took off their masks and shared their lives with one another. They laughed and cried and prayed and sang and served together in authentic Christian fellowship."

"There is nothing like the local church when it's working right. Its beauty is indescribable. Its power is breathtaking. Its potential is unlimited. It comforts the grieving and heals the broken in the context of community. It builds bridges to seekers and offers truth to the confused."

"I understand that it's more than just working with other people, it's doing life deeply with one another as we serve together. And there's a huge difference between the two."

-Courageous Leadership, by Bill Hybles

When you love deeply, you have the potential to hurt deeply. Even if the other person didn't mean to hurt you. (For those who DO mean to hurt you, that's an entirely different story.) When I've felt the most connected to people in the past and lived that kind of life with people, it was the hardest thing to deal with when they moved, got married, etc. and we no longer kept in touch. Logically you can't keep in touch with every person you were ever friends with. But that doesn't make the goodbyes any easier. There have been other people who started out in that close community, but weren't there for me when I needed them, weren't reliable, or weren't honest. Those are also hard blows.

But setting aside all the woes for a minute, I like the descriptions that Hybles gives of the body of Christ. He doesn't gloss over the problems they had - everyone has them. But overall they came back together.

There are some people I know right now, even if we aren't in close communication on a regular basis, that I intended on keeping in touch with for my whole life. The seasons of our friendships might look different if we are busy, single vs married, kids, moving, etc. But God willing, I hope that some of these people will be at my 90th birthday party. Ok, maybe not too many of the guys since they tend to die first, but maybe I'll be at their 90th birthday party. Maybe my kids will marry their kids and we'll be family by marriage. Maybe we'll all be at the same retirement communities together. (I hate bingo. I will forever hate bingo. We can play something else.) And then of course, we'll be in heaven forever.

Back to the present. The process of getting there doesn't happen by accident. No, it takes time, intentionality (which isn't a word?? but I'm leaving that there anyways), going through good times and bad times, communicating, doing a lot of things together, being honest and open, and more. You can try to drag someone into community, but it won't work. They have to be willing. Isn't it ironic that sometimes when life is difficult, instead of going to the people you're closest to, you withdraw? It doesn't make much sense. And maybe not everybody is that way. I'm not always that way... but sometimes I am.

And that concludes my thoughts and late night ramblings on the people I love.

Truths

Truths

-God's timing is perfect
-His plan is perfect
-He is not wasting my time at wherever I am in life
-His will is more important than mine
-God's Kingdom advancing is more important than my happiness
-Life is so short no matter how big anything feels
-Sometimes God says no because He has something better for me. Other times He is just saying, "Not yet." Either way, He is right to do so even when it hurts.
-Just because I don't hear anything from Him, doesn't mean He isn't working
-Someone's heart being changed isn't always visible or able to be measured, but prayer is still required
-Even on the worst days of work, if someone sees Jesus in me through my actions, my words, my silence, or my demeanor, then it was a successful day in His book
-If it is a God-given desire, just because it hasn't been met yet doesn't mean that I am wrong for wanting it
-Prayer is more important than I understand
-God's hand is even in the smallest of details. Nothing is "too small" to pray about.
-It is not simply called "self-control" as if I am required to muster up more of it. It is truly Holy Spirit infused self-control. I must seek more of God to require more self-control.
-I won't understand everything in life. God won't always reveal a purpose for things.
-Who I am on the inside is more important than how I look on the outside. We'll all be old and ugly some day!
-God knows how we feel even when words can't describe it
-Worrying about what might happen, could happen, or might be happening right now but we aren't sure of it, is a waste of time and lies from satan. To fear something we don't even know is happening or might happen is stupid. Daydreaming and dwelling on it also doesn't help.
-God wins in the end.
-People who don't know Him aren't the enemy, but they are being held captive by the enemy
-People who don't know Him aren't supposed to live a life like mine, so I can't be surprised when they don't
-I am not perfect, and can't beat myself up all the time when I mess up
-Nobody is perfect. Knowing that and loving with forbearance is important.
-"If satan can't make you bad, he'll make you busy."
-Scripture trumps feelings
-God gives us a peace that the world cannot give
-It matters more than I am right with God than if humans approve of it
-Some day, heaven is going to be awesome
-Until then, we are to be about our Father's business
-Momentary pleasure is not worth the long term consequences
-When we've lost our joy, it is to be found again in the silence of sitting before the Lord

What a week.

It's such a weird phenomenon how you want something to change in your life, but then don't start the steps of getting to that change. It might be that there are 500 steps in between and that just seems too daunting. It might be that you don't even know what the first step is. It might be that you don't have enough self-control to do it. It might be that there are 15 areas of life that you want to change, and that seems like too much, so you don't do any of it.

For example, I want to lose weight. Which means I should eat better, and probably work out. But I don't have enough money to go to the gym. So I could walk on the treadmill at my house. But I haven't. And I should stop eating so much sweet stuff, and fast food at work - I should bring healthy foods from home. But I haven't.

I want to use my time better, so that I get more things done that need to be done, including things I WANT to do. So I should stop being on the internet so much, and stop taking random naps when I don't really need them. I should make lists of things that need to get done and put them on certain days so that I actually do them, instead of running out of clean socks or letting my oil change get 1,000 miles overdue. But I haven't. I should go to bed at a decent time every night so I get enough sleep, and that might help me not want to take naps, as well as get up easier in the mornings. But I don't. I should plan my days off better - do the things that need to be done on those days, and not waste them. I do that pretty well, but not always.

Not to mention spiritual disciplines! I do pretty well with prayer, decent with scripture but could improve, pretty good with serving and tithing, etc. And then I want to have someone mentoring me, and for me to be mentoring someone else. As well as keep up friendships, time with them, and doing things for them.

Work has been a dramatic reality TV show recently. People have been lazy, picking favorites, angry, playing the blame game on things that didn't even happen, gossiping... It's tiring. On top of having to treat every customer like a ticking time bomb, expecting them all to explode at any moment, having to be over the top nice to them because they're all angry at the world which means they get all angry at us.

And oh, the matters of the heart! How to diminish sin, how to control your anger, how to gain self-control, how to speak carefully, how to let go of what God has said no to, how to ignore a desire that is deeply burning within you every single day with no end in sight!

There are so many facets of life to juggle, so many factors that play into the grand scheme of things, and sometimes when one Christmas light goes out, the rest of them go out because they're all connected. Suddenly you're a tangled mess of burned out Christmas lights. And you're like, "I'm pretty sure everybody is a burned out, tangled mess. There's no way anybody can have their life all together."

Yes, I'm ending this post on a depressing note. Because I have to go to bible study now. Part two later.