My life stinks.
I got a degree in Early Childhood Education and no longer want to teach, at least in a public school and I'm not sure about Christian schools yet. I'm making minimum wage and living at home while most of my money goes to student loans. I don't like working at Starbucks that much, and I don't know how long I'll be there. I feel stuck. And mad. I lack direction and passion and guidance. I hate people constantly asking me "what's next" and not liking my answer when I say I don't know. My coworkers sometimes make fun of me in ways that they are joking but also sometimes not joking, and those times hurt. I also want to be married and have wanted it for as long as I can remember, and it sucks watching all my friends get engaged and married. Why not me? Why has nothing even close happened? I know women who are amazing people, there's nothing wrong with them, and yet they have not married yet either, so I don't feel like something is "wrong" with me, I just don't understand why God hasn't answered that prayer yet. There are things in life that hurt me deeply, and daily. There are things I struggle with that I just have to put on a smile and move on. I want go back to Kenya, but I don't know how because my home church only sends 2 or 3 people (and sometimes those are just women) and I don't feel comfortable going in such a small group or without men. And I have never raised "all" the money to go on mission trips, I've had to save for a lot of it, and I just can't even save right now. I'm just treading water with money. I feel unmotivated a lot, and more as time goes on. On my off days or when I get home from work, I just spend it online or watching tv shows on my computer. It becomes frustrating when I keep trying to hang out with friends but no one can hang out, so I get tired of hearing no. And while I have hobbies and interests, I feel like there is always someone around who does it way better than me or I'm unable to enjoy a hobby for whatever reason.
There are people that were once in my life that are no longer in my life that I miss deeply. One was a girl who I was one of my best friends from 7th grade until about our 2nd year in college, and after a while she deleted her facebook, so I haven't been keeping in touch with her. When I tried she didn't really respond. I recently found out she got engaged and is getting married in November, and I don't even know if she'll invite me to her wedding, but that seems so weird to me because of how close we used to be. There was no "fight" or anything that pulled us apart, just time and different paths in life. And more than her, there are others as well, and some that are leaving my life soon.
My life is great.
At least I have a job. My parents and I get along and living at home isn't a terrible thing. It saves me money as well. I get free Starbucks every day. I like some of my coworkers. I don't know if my words or actions have impacted any of them, or maybe it will some day, but I've had a lot of moments where I've told them straight up about the Lord in a way that I never have before. I've had to chose to love them all even when some I clash with or get frustrated with all the time. I hope that even in a place I don't want to be that God is still using me. I am thankful that I haven't had a long string of boyfriends or carry around massive amounts of emotional baggage from bad relationships. I'm thankful for God's protection over me while I wait. I've been blessed to go to Kenya twice and Slovakia once, and while I long to go back to Kenya someday, I know that God is using me here in leading worship when I can, teaching high school girls on Sunday mornings, and other ways that are just as effective, if not more, than when I go on a mission trip. He has shown me that every DAY is a mission field in my life no matter where I am, and that brings me joy in spite of the struggle. I enjoy my time to myself a lot of times, so even though it's a little lonely, I'm also not hating it. While I sit for hours in a Starbucks or at a park reading and writing, I think to myself that one day when I have kids I might not be able to do that, so I better soak it up now and appreciate it! While I so look forward to going so many places with my future husband as well, even just local places or free places, I try to embrace this time alone to grow closer to God and reach out to other people too. There are seasons for everything and while I'm trying to pick my feet up and get a move on in life, wishing this time away, I know that this is just a season for me to slow down and let God work. I want to push forward but He wants me to just sit still. I'm trying to listen and act when I need to.
I have great people in my life. For 4 years in college I lacked deep friendships and prayed for them constantly, but hardly found them. When I came to the bible study I go to on Thursday nights, that is what I had been looking for. The friendships I've made there have been so important to me I can't even describe it. Beyond that group of people, I have also had others in random areas of my life that I have kept in touch with and am thankful for them as well. I've turned to others in my life for guidance, prayer, fun, and sometimes just hugs when I'm crying. I have poured out my life to others in return and helped others when I was able. Since I never know when someone in my life will come or go, I am constantly trying to make sure I show them I appreciate them and not take them for granted.
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