The Lord invited me to wrestle. It was the beginning of December of 2016, and I said no. I just flat out said nope, I don't want to deal with this
thing that has been sitting in my heart for years. But as January started, I knew He was still telling me, "Come on. Let's go." I rolled up my spiritual sleeves and said ok.
I posed God with a major question. One that I had been wondering in my heart for years. The kind where if I told anybody my struggle they would say, "What do you feel like the Lord has said about it?" "NOTHING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY." Or, "Maybe yes? But maybe that's only because I wish His answer was a yes?" While I don't feel like sharing with the world wide web the exact details of this question, I am still writing about it because I know God will still get glory from this to whoever may read it.
I knew I wanted to hear the Lord clearly, loudly, and repetitively. Not to have Him prove himself or out of doubt, but out of wanting to hear the Lord's guidance, an answer, how He wanted me to be obedient in waiting or in acting, and how I should be praying. But I wondered if my prayers asking Him for confirmation were an ok thing to do. I have no idea how I came across this verse one night in late January, but it was the Lord saying to King Ahaz, "Ask the Lord your God for a sign of confirmation, Ahaz. Make it as difficult as you want - as high as heaven or as deep as the place of the dead." But the king refused. "No," he said, "I will not test the Lord like that." (Isaiah 7:11-12) But God went on to say, "No, I'm telling you to ask for a sign of confirmation because I want to give it to you!" It was the awesome moment where I knew what I was doing was right - seeking for the Lord to speak to me, not to test Him, but to communicate with Him. And I didn't want these confirmations to be something small or silly or coincidences that could be brushed off. I needed these things to be major God things.
As He began to speak in crazy ways, I wrote them down. I numbered them. I wrote how He responded to my prayers. I took pictures of things that I read or saw that I felt like was God saying yes. And still, I questioned if what I was doing was crazy. Sometimes I'd hear "yes!" multiple times in a week, and other times weeks would go by and I wouldn't hear anything. I wanted to believe that God was truly saying yes, but my circumstances regarding this thing hadn't changed and were still FAR from any change. It wasn't until about 33 times of God saying yes did I start to believe it. Then, in early June, I went to my friend's house and told her everything that was going on. I needed to know if these things I thought were from God were just me seeking something out that wasn't there.
My friend said,"Ok what!?! He has said yes 33 times and you're still questioning it? Those aren't normal things. Those are amazing things! Those are things that you didn't go searching for, but that the Lord brought straight to you! It's not like you googled them and then claimed it as yours!" So I switched my question then to, "Well then, if I am to believe this is true... when?" I began asking the Lord for a time frame. When I left for Kenya at the beginning of July, I was at 36 times of the Lord saying yes. Since the beginning of July, I haven't heard God say when, or even any more signs of confirmation. But of course, I struggle. Of course I come before Him constantly and say, "Ok. I believe you. But I'm terrified. Because if I've heard You wrong, then I don't think I will ever know what it means to hear You. I don't doubt Your promises, I doubt my ability to hear them correctly. But these things have all been pretty big. So how am I supposed to align my feelings up with them? How am I supposed to act differently? How am I supposed to fight the fear and the sadness and the doubt as I wait for Your timing?"
And so it began again last night. My fears yelling that I've heard it all wrong. That these last 8 months have been for nothing. That some day I would look back and say, "What in the world happened there??" I prayed and prayed against it. I opened up my new devotional book by Priscilla Shirer, "Awaken." I read 2 or 3 a day. So the first one I opened to was about the Israelites not believing that God would bring them to the promised land, all except two men, and so the Lord only brought those two men into the promised land because no one else believed Him. I remembered the verse, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said." (Luke 1:45) I remembered Jacob wrestling with the Lord saying He wouldn't let go until the Lord blessed him.
What does it look like to actively believe God's promise to me when my emotions aren't always stable? Does it mean constantly thanking Him for what has happened so far, and thank Him for what is to come? Does it mean continuing to look back at the 36 times He said yes, like the times people in the Old Testament would name rocks as a reminder of what He had done? Does it mean to put these verses on my walls and on my phone to see constantly and places where I am constantly reminded of them? I think yes to all of those. But I am not sure what else yet. I know that I want to receive what the Lord has promised me with faith, not with doubt. And hence the wrestling. I asked God if I could just rest in the waiting, but I remembered that I rested for years in the waiting, praying the safe prayers and doing the safe things. So no, I don't think there is any more time for resting in the waiting.
"Moses told the people,'Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.' Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving!" (Exodus 14:13-14) This was right before the parting of the red sea. Yes, God did huge things! But it also required the Isralites to get a move on, and walk across, not just sit still! We hear these verses separated - "Just stand still. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." But then God is like, "Nope! Don't just stand still! Yes, I will rescue you, but you have to move!" I know that I am in a similar place. Spiritually, I have to move. But in circumstances, I have to wait.
Perhaps some day I will be able to share the whole story, from beginning to end, from the moment I asked God the question, until the moment He fulfills it. Until then, I'm in the middle of the story, the middle of the storm, the middle of the battle. He is gracious to me in His constant encouragement and confirmation, and only the Holy Spirit in me is able to comfort me and put peace in my heart.
"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." (James 5:16) I look forward to seeing what great power the Lord unleashes and the wonderful results that flourish from Him allowing me to be part of His plans.
