My God is bigger

I think I've learned that on days I really want to stay home and hole up in my room, that I need to be around people even more. There are days I want to stay home from church or bible study, or when I have the opportunity to spend time with someone but just want to go home, but when I feel like that and I go be with people, I rarely regret it, and often am so thankful I went. Sometimes it's because the sermon or message at bible study hits home. Sometimes it's because I have friends to talk to, pray with, and share life with, making the load lighter. And sometimes, it is a reminder that it's not all about me, that other people have stuff going on too, and that I should be there for others too.


Today was all three. I hadn't thought about staying home, but I was just not in the mood to be around people. But I went and the sermon was great - it was about Job, but it was such a great reminder that things to have to make sense in life for us to worship God, to trust God, and to have a great relationship with Him. What we see as chaos or rejection or re-direction is simply part of God's plan. We can't just muster up the faith though, it comes from being in a relationship with Him on a regular basis, and asking God for it. I talked to friends today and it was great to catch up, and I took the time to listen to others about their weeks and what is going on in their life.


After driving with the window down in the car, getting some lunch, Starbucks, and getting a few small things at Target, I came home and wrote in my journal for like an hour. After writing about what was going on in life, I was also writing about the sermon and what I was going to pray for my friends and coworkers about, and guess what happened. I totally got distracted, and suddenly felt the need to go do something stupid. And was suddenly filled with doubts and frustrations that I was trying to ignore. Well, duh, it was satan distracting me. I refocused and got back on track. When they say that satan is the author of lies, it rings true. I saw on twitter the other day, "Comparison is the enemy of joy." I see other people who are more successful at photography, have better pictures, or have more jobs in it and think, "Well I'll never even be that good or have jobs in that," or "Of course I'm single - I'm not as pretty/cool/funny/nice/interesting as that girl." Ah, but what lies. And I image prayer being like a machine gun to those lies, hahaha. Shot down to the ground. My God is bigger than that.

Well...

FAFSA didn't give me enough money to go back to school at Portfolio Center, so I a no longer going. I am still trying to figure out what I will be doing and how to continue on with photography... back to square one. Stupid square one. I will leave the rest of my feelings out of this post because it would be incredibly long and obvious.


I did buy a Canon 6D today though! It's awesome and intimidating at the moment. If the shutter was any louder I think people would think I was shooting a real canon at them. But oh well, it's worth it when it takes great pictures!

Snow and ice, pretty and nice

Well, two weeks later and we're hit by another snow storm, worse than before! At least this time it happened during the middle of the night so people were already home. I did work yesterday, from 1-8, but not today. The ice came down and it wasn't pretty - hardly any snow - and then later this evening when I didn't even know it, the snow poured down. I looked outside around 2 AM and everything was covered in snow. I don't know how long we'll be "stuck" in our houses, but I'm ok with that. :-) The only thing I don't like is that I'm "supposed" to work on Friday night, and by that point it will still be a questionable thing if I can / should leave the house or not. Sigh. I AM sad that I have to miss bible study tomorrow night, but it seems like a lot of things have postponed bible study since August, so I'm kind of used to it sadly.


So! Today I slept late, read some of a new book I got on photography, had coffee with hot chocolate in it, played a computer game, ate white chicken chili soup that was so great, wrote in my journal, read some, and was on facebook. Oh, and took a nap. No work tomorrow, and no real "plans" yet.


FAFSA hasn't been sent to Portfolio Center yet, and the financial aid lady said that timing could be an issue now... what?? Why does it take 6 weeks or so in order for them to say, "Yep. You're poor. Here's some loans." I don't understand, and I hope it goes through in time. I'm nervous about it.


For the past few weeks, I have been praying, "God, please align my heart with Yours. Let my desires be what Yours are, and change my heart where I am wrong or wanting the wrong things." And there have been moments, small moments, where I felt it. Where I thought, "Oh." And I try to keep these small moments in mind because they are a bigger picture of God's direction. And what so often gets in the way are my emotions, which are up and down like the tide sometimes. There are times (mostly once a month) when I cry so hard over something that normally wouldn't make me cry. There are times when I'm so mad at everything and everyone, even when someone is trying to be nice. There are times when I think, "No, this is too good to be true... somehow I wont get enough money to go to Portfolio Center or do anything more than work at Starbucks, and I will never get married or have kids. So I might as well just die now," and my fear swallows me whole. And I think to myself, "Do I trust God's timing?" Well yes, but that doesn't mean I'm always happy about it. That doesn't  mean I don't still ache and cry over it.


I also had an interesting thought the other day. I think every girl wishes she were prettier, or "beautiful." We all want to hear it but maybe we don't hear it much, and we always see girls that are drop dead gorgeous or "hot" and hear other guys comment about them. And I feel like all the pretty girls get married first, or are always in a relationship. But then I thought... maybe because a guy is so quickly attracted to a girl's look but she could be a jerk or drama queen or crazy person, they end up breaking up faster or having bad relationships. They probably get lots of guys asking them out and on one hand that seems lucky, but then they might have had 10, 20 boyfriends and carry around a lot of baggage. They get the guys who don't know them for who they really are, and only ask them out because of the way they look. They also get creepy guys hitting on them. So, I would rather a guy take the time to get to know me and then ask me out, and not have creepy guys hit on me, and not have 10 boyfriends before I get married. Am I the lucky one, for not being super hot then? For looking average? Because then I won't just attract guys who only think I'm pretty, but who really get to know me? And while it will take longer, it could be a better thing.


And that concludes my random thoughts of the night, live from Georgia, surviving the snow storm part two of 2014. Next Friday: 70 degrees.

Atlanta

Essentially I'm going on a two year mission trip into the heart of Atlanta, where I will be encountering a large amount of people who don't know God. Yes, I will be meeting the people and teachers in my school, but I may also be meeting people at the Starbucks nearby, and the nearby Chick-fil-a or other fast food restaurants. Every quarter people will be graduating and new people will be coming in. It's an interesting thought.

Snow and sun!

Good 'ol Georgia.


Tuesday I lucked out and was at home when the snow had been coming down for a few hours, so by the time I was supposed to leave for work at 12:30, I got a call from my dad saying there was no way I was leaving - the roads had become slick and cars were gridlocked. I called in to Starbucks and they said they were shutting down. Little did I know that it would take 3-24 hours for people in the Atlanta area to get home, abandoning their cars, sleeping in churches, Home Depots, fire stations, and more, and some walking up to 10 miles home.


So I was snowed in my house Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday my dad and I trekked up the road 5 minutes (he drove) to get Starbucks and some groceries. Friday I was able to drive a bit. Today, Sunday, it was 70 degrees. Helloooooooo sunshine! And thank you Georgia for your bipolar weather, confusing all of mother nature, and all of our sinus'! Back down to low of 29 on Wednesday.


#crazy


In other news, 8 weeks until I start school at Portfolio Center! It really feels surreal. It's a weird thing right now not to have the money to pay for it yet, and not sure of how much I will get in student loans yet. Or if there are scholarships available. Had to do my taxes today as the first step.