Giving God 99% of something still isn't all of it.
God said no a long time ago about something in my life, and I wasn't ok with it. I fought it. I prayed He'd change His mind. I heard Him say no, but it was a whisper in my life because I didn't want to hear it. There was a time when someone said, "Do you feel like there's a chance God said, 'just not right now?'" And I said, "I honestly don't know. It's like.. 50/50. Half of me feels like yes, it could still happen. Half of me says nope, it won't." That 50/50 tore me up. I tossed back and forth between feeling hopeful and hopeless. Happy and sad. I prayed one day as I sobbed, that God would push it to one side or the other, that I would no longer be at 50/50, even if it meant the biggest "no" there could possibly be. I asked Him to move mountains - this mountain. My mountain.
That day came. And this time it wasn't a whisper. It was with a force that I cannot explain. It was a million little signs and confirmations, spoken through circumstances, other people, and the bible. It was through books, sermons, research, articles, quotes... bam, bam, bam. And then, to top of all of those little things, then came the big thing. The "straw that broke the camel's back." Maybe to some people, without knowing the whole story, it wasn't a big deal. But to me, it was the last straw. I knew then, that God said absolutely not.
A few months pass, and I woke up with this thing on my mind today. It stayed all day, and I can't seem to shake it. Real past scenarios go through my head, as well as made up ones that have never - will never -happen. I drove home from work thinking, "What is up with this? Can't I just not feel any emotions towards this anymore since it's over?? Right?" I thought in my head... I'm still at 99% sure it will not happen, and 1% hopeful that it will. That realization made me so... confused. Is it just a spiritual attack, trying to hold me back from where God wants me? Is it just the consequences of sin that have left me somewhat a mess from it?
Abraham didn't give God 99% of an effort towards killing his one and only son. He was willing to give up what he loved the most... because He loved God even more. Yes, God stopped him, and no, I don't expect God to stop me, because I know He wants all of this, because He already told me so.
While this is vague (if anybody actually were to read this...which... I'm not sure anybody actually does but whatevs), I think this can apply to so many people, and so many different situations. Sometimes, most of the time, I don't know HOW to give something up to God! Sometimes there's not instructions on what to do after I feel like I gave it up, nor do I always realize when I take it back! I remember in high school there was a time when I was walking down the hall to my locker, and my books were heavy. I put books in my locker, but pulled more out to go to a different class. I thought about how sometimes, I put my burdens down before God, and then pick up different ones instead. In this case, it's me putting this down before God, and picking it up again every once in a while, or coming over and looking at it again as if it's ok that I just keep it nearby as long as I don't pick it up.
...no. Not ok.
I love analogies... and I know that Jesus spoke in parables all the time, which are like analogies! I thought about it in this analogy as well. It's like I've been in this room, and it's been good. But then it got bad. And someone came in and took everything out of it, so I'm standing in an empty room full of memories and good times... but it's simply and empty room now. And God said, "Go on, you can leave this room... you may be in the hallway a bit before I show you the next room, but you gotta leave this one first." And I said, "No. I want this room. I want you to fix THIS room, because it was good once, and it can be good again. I know You can fix this, I know all things are possible with You." And the ceiling started falling in, the walls started cracking, and the floor grew mold. I knew time was up. I said my last goodbyes and left the room. And I've stood in that hallway, not walking away, but just waiting outside the doorway looking in. It's not my room. It's not the one for me. And when someone else gets that room and God fixes it up for them, it's not my place to be jealous or sad or mad because... it's not mine. It's time I walk. I'm not even anxious to find the next room because I just don't feel like feeling anymore. I don't want to get excited about a room that isn't mine again, until I hear God directly say, "Go ahead. Go through this door." And He might have to push me, because I just don't feel like looking right now.
Me and God, sitting in the hallway. But He gets it. He knows. Just because we're on the way to what's best, doesn't mean the journey there isn't painful or sad at times. Just because I feel pain or sadness doesn't mean I did something wrong or I'm going the wrong direction or He doesn't care what's going on. And just because I think about that room with fond memories sometimes doesn't mean I just walked back into it. But I know today that I have just sat outside the room and moped.
Analogy aside, I'm not sure what that looks like, to walk on. But I am trying. And I'm listening for God's voice.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
I know God is able, but even if He doesn't, I will still praise Him
Since I was out of town this past weekend, I listened to the sermon from church online today. It was about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. (Yep, just had to google how to spell their names.) As Brad, the pastor, pointed out, some of us have heard this story since we were little kids. But beyond the amazing factor that God saved them from death and showed everyone His power, there's always more to the story.
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” - Daniel 3:17-18
They didn't put their faith in the outcome they hoped God would provide in their dilemma, they put their faith in God Himself. Sometimes when He doesn't do something we wanted to, we feel like our faith is shaken, and feel like He didn't come through. But even as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, sometimes we have thorns in our lives that God doesn't take away, even after praying about it a lot.
"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
He may come through in the most spectacular way, that you didn't even pray for at all because you didn't think He would. Sometimes He may answer no, because it is what will bring Him the most glory or is what's best for you.
I know that I sometimes feel mad when God doesn't answer prayer in the way I want Him to. More often than I'd like. I know I feel mad when God doesn't clean up messes in my life that I have made myself, and the pain of the consequences lingers. Sometimes I think, "THIS could never bring God glory. This is a rotten pile of stench that is an embarrassing disgrace not only to myself, but to God." But that in itself limits God. Saying that something I messed up could never bring Him glory.
Like those three men, I want to say, "I know God can do this, but if He doesn't, I will worship Him anyways and know His plan is for the best." I want to love God for who He is, not just what He can do for me. I want to stand before Him in heaven one day and say, "Thank you for doing what was best for me, even when I was blinded by pain and anger and the world." I KNOW I will say that, and what a beautiful day that will be!! Like a child who grows up and thanks their parent for not letting them touch the stove, play with knives, and run into oncoming traffic, I will be the child of God who thanks Him for the multitude of instances He protected me, redirected me, and used me to bring other people to know Him.
This is a perspective I too often forget. I too often forget His sovereignty and His perfect timing. Not only do I read about it in the bible but I see it in my own life too. Sometimes I just need to sit and think about these times and let God reset my perspective. May I never forget it so much that I run away from God. I pray that He will place people into my life to always bring me out of my times of complacency, my times of being lukewarm in the Lord, my times where I deliberately turn away and chose to sin over and over again, and my times of pain. I pray that not only will He place those people in my life to help me, but that He will also change my circumstances to redirect me and remind me. As Brad said in his sermon, we are too comfortable in America sometimes because we are not persecuted in the way that other countries are for following God. We aren't killed or tortured, and rarely does someone lose their job from it. And as my friend Bryan said, we sometimes lack the urgency of pursuing God because of the millions of other things in life that get in the way. I want God to give me an urgency with clear direction as to how to change my life, live my life, and continue my life. I want my heart to be open to what He says instead of shaking my head and saying, "That's too hard."
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” - Daniel 3:17-18
They didn't put their faith in the outcome they hoped God would provide in their dilemma, they put their faith in God Himself. Sometimes when He doesn't do something we wanted to, we feel like our faith is shaken, and feel like He didn't come through. But even as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, sometimes we have thorns in our lives that God doesn't take away, even after praying about it a lot.
"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
He may come through in the most spectacular way, that you didn't even pray for at all because you didn't think He would. Sometimes He may answer no, because it is what will bring Him the most glory or is what's best for you.
I know that I sometimes feel mad when God doesn't answer prayer in the way I want Him to. More often than I'd like. I know I feel mad when God doesn't clean up messes in my life that I have made myself, and the pain of the consequences lingers. Sometimes I think, "THIS could never bring God glory. This is a rotten pile of stench that is an embarrassing disgrace not only to myself, but to God." But that in itself limits God. Saying that something I messed up could never bring Him glory.
Like those three men, I want to say, "I know God can do this, but if He doesn't, I will worship Him anyways and know His plan is for the best." I want to love God for who He is, not just what He can do for me. I want to stand before Him in heaven one day and say, "Thank you for doing what was best for me, even when I was blinded by pain and anger and the world." I KNOW I will say that, and what a beautiful day that will be!! Like a child who grows up and thanks their parent for not letting them touch the stove, play with knives, and run into oncoming traffic, I will be the child of God who thanks Him for the multitude of instances He protected me, redirected me, and used me to bring other people to know Him.
This is a perspective I too often forget. I too often forget His sovereignty and His perfect timing. Not only do I read about it in the bible but I see it in my own life too. Sometimes I just need to sit and think about these times and let God reset my perspective. May I never forget it so much that I run away from God. I pray that He will place people into my life to always bring me out of my times of complacency, my times of being lukewarm in the Lord, my times where I deliberately turn away and chose to sin over and over again, and my times of pain. I pray that not only will He place those people in my life to help me, but that He will also change my circumstances to redirect me and remind me. As Brad said in his sermon, we are too comfortable in America sometimes because we are not persecuted in the way that other countries are for following God. We aren't killed or tortured, and rarely does someone lose their job from it. And as my friend Bryan said, we sometimes lack the urgency of pursuing God because of the millions of other things in life that get in the way. I want God to give me an urgency with clear direction as to how to change my life, live my life, and continue my life. I want my heart to be open to what He says instead of shaking my head and saying, "That's too hard."
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Yay fall stuff!
My mom's cousin asked me to take pictures for an attorney in Atlanta, for his website! I went this morning and took pictures inside and outside! I feel official. :-) I also have two families lined up to take Christmas pictures for! One they just one pictures of their baby who is like 6 months old I think, and the other is a couple and their dog. :-) I'm pretty pumped for these things!!!
This weekend I'm going to Talking Rock Georgia. Who names a place Talking Rock? It's a teeny, tiny little place, but there will be a festival there. I'm going with some women from my home church and we are selling tacos at the festival (I am NOT wearing the visor that says, "Let's taco bout it.") to raise money for Kenya! It should be good! We're staying in a cabin tomorrow night and Saturday night.
Next weekend I have a full weekend packed out as well - Saturday morning I meet with two girls my age, for the second time, for an accountability group in the morning. Then I'm going to a Fall festival with my church to volunteer and help take down. After that I'm going to my friend's house with people from bible study for chili, smores, a bonfire, etc. The next day, Sunday, I'm helping watch some kids in the morning before church while their parents have a meeting, then church, then my good friend Katie's bridal shower, then dinner and a leadership meeting.
Just typing all that makes me a little bit tired. :-) But it's all good stuff.
All of that good stuff is a huge contrast to how work has been going lately... work has not been good overall. :-(
This weekend I'm going to Talking Rock Georgia. Who names a place Talking Rock? It's a teeny, tiny little place, but there will be a festival there. I'm going with some women from my home church and we are selling tacos at the festival (I am NOT wearing the visor that says, "Let's taco bout it.") to raise money for Kenya! It should be good! We're staying in a cabin tomorrow night and Saturday night.
Next weekend I have a full weekend packed out as well - Saturday morning I meet with two girls my age, for the second time, for an accountability group in the morning. Then I'm going to a Fall festival with my church to volunteer and help take down. After that I'm going to my friend's house with people from bible study for chili, smores, a bonfire, etc. The next day, Sunday, I'm helping watch some kids in the morning before church while their parents have a meeting, then church, then my good friend Katie's bridal shower, then dinner and a leadership meeting.
Just typing all that makes me a little bit tired. :-) But it's all good stuff.
All of that good stuff is a huge contrast to how work has been going lately... work has not been good overall. :-(
Friday, October 3, 2014
The tough questions
Maybe we don't ask them because we don't want to hear the answer. Maybe we know the right answer, but don't want to deal with it. Maybe we don't know who to ask. Maybe we think there isn't a right answer, only opinions, so we have to form our own. Maybe there just isn't a right answer and it differs between people. But maybe... maybe these questions are worth asking anyways.
Is it really a big deal to watch tv shows or movies, or read books, that have a lot of sex or violence in them when I'm not going to go out and do either of them?
Is it really a big deal to play violent video games?
Is it really a big deal to listen to music that talks about inappropriate things or has a lot of cuss words in them when I'm not going to be changing my morals because of it, and I'm nt going to start cussing because of it?
How much does media intake really affect my thinking? And even if it doesn't affect it in the long run, does it matter right then as I am taking it in? Because if it doesn't fit this verse: "Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy - think about such things" - should I not intake that media or what?
What does it look like for a Christian to be lukewarm? Am I ever lukewarm? Would I know if I was?
What do you do when someone decides to ignore you and not speak to you, when you know that unity in the body of Christ is the goal, and loving everyone with the love of Christ is what should be happening, but the other person just doesn't care? How can you fix it? Can God fix things that are broken, or are some things forever broken?
In what cases do you really "have nothing to do with them," in a biblical sense? Those verses of having nothing to do with someone seem so weird. What circumstances do those really apply to?
If Jesus asked me to give something up, as he did to the rich young man in giving away what he had to the poor, what would mine be? If it was social media / the internet, would I say yes? What would that look like practically? And how do I know if He would be asking me something like that?
Is a caffeine addiction as big a deal as other addictions? It seems like not, but is it really that - an addiction? And aren't all real addictions bad?
Am I wasting my free time?
How do I get closer to God in a way that I am SO close to Him that nothing shakes me? It seems like a clear cut answer - read the bible, pray, listen, etc.... the spiritual disciplines... but implementing that is hard.
In what ways am I selfish? I just took this spiritual assessment quiz about my strengths, and cringed when one of the questions asked, "Do you talk to new people at church?" Oh. No. It's been a long time since I went to church and talked to new people... I go and talk to my friends. Yikes. It was a smack in the face. I've forgotten to talk to new people at church! What is with that? What else have I been selfish in??
Is it really a big deal to watch tv shows or movies, or read books, that have a lot of sex or violence in them when I'm not going to go out and do either of them?
Is it really a big deal to play violent video games?
Is it really a big deal to listen to music that talks about inappropriate things or has a lot of cuss words in them when I'm not going to be changing my morals because of it, and I'm nt going to start cussing because of it?
How much does media intake really affect my thinking? And even if it doesn't affect it in the long run, does it matter right then as I am taking it in? Because if it doesn't fit this verse: "Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy - think about such things" - should I not intake that media or what?
What does it look like for a Christian to be lukewarm? Am I ever lukewarm? Would I know if I was?
What do you do when someone decides to ignore you and not speak to you, when you know that unity in the body of Christ is the goal, and loving everyone with the love of Christ is what should be happening, but the other person just doesn't care? How can you fix it? Can God fix things that are broken, or are some things forever broken?
In what cases do you really "have nothing to do with them," in a biblical sense? Those verses of having nothing to do with someone seem so weird. What circumstances do those really apply to?
If Jesus asked me to give something up, as he did to the rich young man in giving away what he had to the poor, what would mine be? If it was social media / the internet, would I say yes? What would that look like practically? And how do I know if He would be asking me something like that?
Is a caffeine addiction as big a deal as other addictions? It seems like not, but is it really that - an addiction? And aren't all real addictions bad?
Am I wasting my free time?
How do I get closer to God in a way that I am SO close to Him that nothing shakes me? It seems like a clear cut answer - read the bible, pray, listen, etc.... the spiritual disciplines... but implementing that is hard.
In what ways am I selfish? I just took this spiritual assessment quiz about my strengths, and cringed when one of the questions asked, "Do you talk to new people at church?" Oh. No. It's been a long time since I went to church and talked to new people... I go and talk to my friends. Yikes. It was a smack in the face. I've forgotten to talk to new people at church! What is with that? What else have I been selfish in??
I am ready to pray
"Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?"
In other words, have you talked to God about it as much as you've talked to humans about it? When the answer is no, I kick myself. My problems don't just magically go away when I talk to people about it - it's therapeutic, yes, and people can have good advice or help me or pray for me, but they can't solve the problem or work things out. Only God can.
This week I thought about the verse, "The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." (James 5:16) And then after I told my friend Emily about it at lunch today, the guy talking at bible study brought up the verse tonight too!
Have you ever said, "I'm not going to stop praying for this until God answers me, even if it isn't the answer I am hoping for"? I have before, and I am still praying for those things. But I have been thinking this week about something I have prayed for on and off for the past several years, and haven't prayed for in quite a while, but it still a headache and an unresolved issue in my life. I've talked about it and I've journaled about it. But it's been far too long since I prayed about it.
So I am ready to pray. May God move mountains.
In other words, have you talked to God about it as much as you've talked to humans about it? When the answer is no, I kick myself. My problems don't just magically go away when I talk to people about it - it's therapeutic, yes, and people can have good advice or help me or pray for me, but they can't solve the problem or work things out. Only God can.
This week I thought about the verse, "The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." (James 5:16) And then after I told my friend Emily about it at lunch today, the guy talking at bible study brought up the verse tonight too!
Have you ever said, "I'm not going to stop praying for this until God answers me, even if it isn't the answer I am hoping for"? I have before, and I am still praying for those things. But I have been thinking this week about something I have prayed for on and off for the past several years, and haven't prayed for in quite a while, but it still a headache and an unresolved issue in my life. I've talked about it and I've journaled about it. But it's been far too long since I prayed about it.
So I am ready to pray. May God move mountains.
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