Who do you think you are?

Day number 500 of my job search. I don't know what key words to use. I can hardly find jobs that don't require a specific degree - that I don't have. I feel like actually getting a job with photography is a joke when I can't even find a decent office job or something that pays more than $9 an hour. There come moments when I think, "GOD! You are the God of the impossible, You can do all things and I need your help! Why are you not helping me?!" The thought of ever making enough money to live on my own is unfathomable. The thought of driving a car that is newer than 15 years old is absurd.

Amongst my prayers for myself, I have friends who also need God to come through in a big way. And days go by.

I feel like when I pray about things that matter to me or job search, this deep sadness comes over me. This hopeless feeling that I don't want to deal with, so I just stop job searching and let more time pass. And the same goes for prayers that I don't see an answer to, or is a flat out no. Sometimes I feel like if I just don't pray about it, and try not to think about it, then I can get by without hurting so much.

Is that what life is about? Just getting by? When you catch up with a friend after months and your reply to, "What's new?" is "Oh, you know, just working," you think to yourself, "Oh God, what am I doing with my life?"

And sometimes God taps me on the shoulder and says, "You have a roof over your head, parents who love you, running water in your house, heat and air, a car that runs, and a job that allows you to reach the unreached people. You are not living in a mud hut in Africa with family members dying from the common cold. You are not living in a land where you are persecuted and put in jail and beaten for worshiping me. You are not living in jail with a life sentence. And you're complaining why?" As Job complained and called out to God, His response was not reasons why Job was going through his trials, but chapters of God saying, "Who do you think you are? I am GOD, who created everything, and love you with more love than you can imagine! I gave you life! I give and I take away! Your circumstances do not change my love for you, and I know what I am doing!" Ultimately, Job went through what he did so that the rest of all mankind for as long as earth is around, could read about His life, and God's response. Wow! That alone would be a good enough reason, but Job was never given a reason. I may never be given reasons for things in life. But God is still faithful.

Tonight I tried to search some more for jobs, and ended up crying again. But not just because of that, but because there are things even bigger than that that I wish God would work on in my life and in the lives of people I love. I leaned back against the wall and thought about taking another nap, despite it being 10:30 PM, but as I listened to some Christmas music with facebook staring at me from the computer screen, I thought: What if I prayed and listened to God more than I spent time on facebook? In lines when I'm waiting, on breaks at work, when I'm bored or awkwardly waiting for something out in public, when I'm at home... Do you think that I would see God more if I spent more time in His presence? Is He saying to me, "Jennifer, I want to answer your prayers, but You're not listening. I can't guide You in a direction or change the desires of your heart to match mine because You are too busy filling it with unimportant things." Is He waiting for me to turn to Him with urgency and pray with my heart for the things I truly want in my life and others so that He can see that I trust Him more than just a half-hearted prayer? Is His answer, "Not yet" because I don't expect His power to come through in situations?

Can you imagine standing in heaven and God saying, "Alright, your total time of watching TV is ____ years. Your total time of being on the internet is _____ years. Your total time of playing games is _____years. My child, do you know what more could have been done for My Kingdom if those years of time had been spent seeking me and then responding to me, going out and using what I gave you to glorify me and tell the world about me? Instead you chose these idols, these distractions from satan, to waste your time on. Why would I have entrusted you with more if you I couldn't trust you with little?"

I started off this post to vent and wrestle with what is going on in my heart. And as I wrote, God reminded me of all of the rest of what I wrote. I am thankful He helps me process and think through writing because it is a reminder to come back to on days when I get off track again. It's time that things change. It's time that I run after God with all that I am. I haven't been running away, but merely sitting still and lazy. Like exercise, if you don't do it for a while and then start up again, it will be hard and painful and tiring. But nothing else in all eternity is more important than running towards God despite the pain of hearing God say no sometimes, or asking Him why He has not come through on something.