Overrated

I enjoy the end of the year recaps - seeing what books I read, what songs I listened to most, what goals I reached, and what God did in my life and others. But to me, New Year's Eve is overrated.

Several years ago, I got together with friend from my bible study. We had planned out games and stuff to do, we were going to say what word we picked for the next year for our lives, and then were going to set off Japanese lanterns in a neighborhood field. WAY more people came than we had planned, so I was overwhelmed by the number of people, and nothing we had planned actually happened. Then for the lanterns, they wouldn't get off the ground, or the wind would pick it up and almost drop it again. I was afraid we were going to catch something - or someone - on fire. Especially when one went towards a bunch of trees and almost hit the top of it. The whole night was stressful to me.

For a few year before that, I had to work nights at Starbucks and didn't get off until around 9, and so by the time I'd get somewhere, games were already in the middle of happening, and the night was short before it was midnight.

But for the last several years, it's been a weird thing where people are all busy / out of town, or want to hang out with other friends and not me. So I've been at home on New Year's Eve for a few years now. And the 4th of July. And my birthday turnouts haven't been what I'd hoped for for the past few years. So when these holidays come around, I get all sad and angry. I have to remind myself that even if people are doing a bunch of things tonight, it doesn't mean they're even enjoying it. (See second paragraph.) It doesn't mean my friends don't like me. I remind myself that it's just another day of the year. I have lots of other days with friends. Yesterday I went to IHOP for lunch after church and then Starbucks, both with my friend Anna. Thursday I went to Starbucks with my friend Katlyn for like 4 hours (and also held her two week old baby). On Christmas Eve I went to Taco Bell after our Christmas Eve service with my friends the Bakers. (Hey! A holiday!) The previous Tuesday I went on a day trip with two friends.

I'm sure it will go in cycles, where I'll have years with friends and parties and things to go do on holidays, and then other years where I won't again. Some years I'll have a blast, and some years I'll be miserable and leave early.

I have to go to bed at 10:00 tonight anyways (or maybe 9:30) because I've been adjusting my sleep schedule for work, and I can't mess it up the day before I start my job. Don't know how much I'll actually sleep though because my neighborhood is ALL about the fireworks, I mean for hours. And days. It's stupid. It's 7 PM right now and they've already started and will go for the next 6 hours. Currently praying for rain. Hahahaha. It's already coming but I hope it comes faster.

So, another overrated night of the year of sitting in my room. Here's to hoping next NYE is a little different.

I have a new job!

Day 161 of not working at Starbucks. 

I got a full time job! I will be an administrative assistant at a research center. I start at the beginning of January. I'm so excited, and also glad I get to do all my fun December stuff without having to cancel anything! This job is where I hope to stay for a long time, Lord willing. 

"Look here, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.' How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog - it's here a little while, then it's gone. What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.' Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil." - James 4:13-16

At this time last year I had no intentions of working at my church part time or quitting Starbucks. I had no plans of discipling my two friends Anna and Alice who I've discipled for almost a year now, and I didn't meet Anna until January. 2018 was a fantastic year, and I can't even imagine where I'll be in a year or what will happen in 2019, and I'm excited about it. I'm thankful because God has answered this prayer of having a job, and looking forward to what is next. 

I'm sad to leave my job with my church. Some people I won't hardly see at all anymore, and others I will still see at bible study and other things I am doing. But it will obviously be a lot less. It has been the best job I've ever had. 

One of my good friends recently got engaged, one graduated college, one had a baby, and two are pregnant and soon to have a baby. So a lot is going on with myself and friends! 

There's a little bit of the fear of unknown that comes with all changes, but not too much. I'm excited to meet new people, have a desk and decorate it, be able to pay for things again, not have to deal with the public, still have time for church stuff, not have to work Saturdays, and actually have a job that I enjoy! It's so encouraging to also have friends who will want to hear how things are going and how I'm doing. Having good friends to cheer you on and who you know are always there for you is life changing. 

Besides that great news, I've been enjoying time with friends the past few weeks, and more to come! 

Long term discipline

It's hard to do anything every single day. The only things I do every day are things I absolutely have to - brush my teeth, put my contacts in and take them out, eat food, drink water and coffee. I don't wear makeup if I am staying at home all day. I don't take a shower every single day.

Even doing something every single week is challenging. Especially if it has more than one step and/or it depends on other people too. Every Monday since February 1 I have written an email to the parents of youth at church. I first type up a draft and send it to the youth pastors the day before to add or change anything, and after they reply then I send it out every Monday night. I have not missed a single week. But I've come close and sent it out at like 2 AM before because I realized it right before going to bed.

From May to December of 2017 I lost 25 pounds. I did great at keeping it off through July of this year... but then when I quit Starbucks I wasn't on my feet for 8 hours a day, and being at home means more time around the kitchen, more time to want snacks, etc. And less motivation to exercise. As well as all of the holiday food that I love, and I don't just have a sweet tooth, all of my teeth are sweet teeth!! Eggnog, peppermint chocolate chip milkshakes from Chick-fil-a, chocolate covered cherries, Reese's, York peppermint patties.... I have gained 10 pounds back since July. So, I'm in a battle to do better. But on one hand it's annoying because I'm supposed to do well for the rest of my life? Are you serious? That's a long time to battle not eating sweets! And of course carbs like bread and pasta!

This brings me to spiritual disciplines, but not specific ones, I just mean your walk with the Lord in general. There are big chunks of time where I spend a long time with God every single day. And it's great! And then there are other times when I struggle to do it. I would say it's weird, but it's not. It's normal. It's sad, but normal. I remember many years ago, one of my friends said about another of our friends, "Man, it's like he's just drinking from a fire hydrant. He just can't get enough." Our friend couldn't get enough of studying and reading the Bible, of praying, of being involved in the church - it was so good to see. But that exact phrase and mental image has stuck with me all these years. I want to be that person who can't get enough. I don't mean that God isn't enough, I mean that I want to always be learning, growing, praying, serving, and loving. I want to always be pursuing the Lord, not in a casual way, but in a way that is gushing with Living Water.

"For He knows how weak we are; He remembers that we are only dust." - Psalms 103:14

It's easy to beat myself up when I can't be as consistent as I want to be, and I even think I'm even more consistent than a lot of people. But God remembers we are weak. He sees our hearts and our desires to do well and our desires to pursue Him, even when we fail. And He also sees our lack of desires of Him, but still how that saddens us. And we just keep going. We just keep taking one step at a time. We keep trekking this journey.

Thankful

Things I'm Thankful For This Week:

-My parents and I have discovered that putting dried bay leaves on our window sills bring down the count of incoming lady bug from about 25 a day to 3!! *Magic!*

-Our treadmill died and my dad uses it a lot, and someone at church gave us theirs for free because they don't use it

-Other friends went to their house to bring it to us, and then took our broken treadmill out!

-Good Thanksgiving food - and frozen chocolate pie.

-Breakfast with my friend Katlyn

-Chick-fil-a's peppermint milkshakes

-I've had a cold for almost two weeks, and I'm thankful that I have been at home for it instead of at Starbucks where I would lose my voice for days. This time I only lost it for one since I didn't have to push it.

-Good books.

-This Is Us, and Manifest

-Took pictures last weekend and they turned out good

-Lunch tomorrow with my friend Wilfredo and Anna

-My parents

-A lot of good time with people coming up next week, a much needed reprieve from the past two weeks of hardly seeing anybody

-Friends who pray for me and tell me they love me and give lots of good hugs.

All of the good things!

It actually is the most wonderful time of the year!!

Upcoming good stuff:

• Friendsgiving is this Thursday with my friends and bible study. 
• I'm taking two (or three?) photoshoots this weekend to kick off Christmas pictures, and I'm sure more to come! 
• Staff Christmas party in a few weeks with church 
• Staff Christmas breakfast at our friend's house
• The Kindling is at the end of November which is our every other month worship night
• I'm hoping to go to Helen, GA with some friends some time in December
• Going to a friend's house for a Christmas party and parade in downtown Dallas
• My friend Emily comes home soon from being gone for 7 months 
• Going on a retreat in January 
• I'm taking pictures for Christmas Eve as usual, and of some other events going on at the church in December like a kids event where they do things related to the Polar Express which I love!
• Peppermint chocolate milkshakes at Chick-fil-a are my FAVORITE
• Christmas decorations are great
• Time with friends
• Christmas music 
• Snow?!
• My mom makes chocolate covered cherries at Christmas that are great

So thankful and so blessed. 

Currently watching, "This is Us," and "The Manifiest" 

Currently reading, "One in a Million," by Priscilla Shirer and "Legendary," by Stephanie Garber 

A Moe's just opened last week right by my house -score! I also really like the pizza place that opened right next to my church, Marco's Pizza. I was surprised how much I like it, because I'm kind of picky about pizza. 

Later

There are times in my life when I asked the Lord for something, and was sad when it didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I didn't "hear" God say no, but the circumstances determined it. But sometimes the Lord gave me a YES to that same thing in a much better way! And looking back I see it. And it's beautiful. It's a reminder of the way He can still work in my life now and for all of my life to come.

Scenario one. Once upon a time, when I was in college, I went to a church that started a young adults' worship service every Sunday night. I was excited to help plan it and be on leadership for it. But what I really wanted to do was sing. It had been years since I had sung in a worship setting and I missed it. I felt like it was a gift the Lord had given me that I wasn't using. But there was a new girl - I'll call her Jessica even though she's never going to read this- and she sang well, and was put in charge of the whole band. Fine, I didn't want to be in charge by any means. But she didn't want me to sing. She would have me only sing harmony in a chorus every few songs. Never songs to sing on my own. And not even sing during the verses, she just wanted me to stand on stage. She literally said, "You're up here to make me sound good." OH OK. Not the Lord? Ok. 

I was livid. And only a few people cared. So I quit and said I didn't want to just sing harmony on one song a week. That's crap. So I helped set up and tear down, and she practiced before hand so I had to listen to Jessica practice. I cried more than I can remember. Then one night, I stood in the lobby and met a new girl, and sat with her, and talked to her after as well. She said, "I'm so glad you talked to me - I didn't know if anyone would." There was a moment when I felt like the Lord said, "See, I needed you out here more than I needed you on stage." I was ok. I could breathe again. 

A few years later, at a different church, I got to sing worship songs again for our young adults' worship nights. I got to sing whole songs by myself, and with others. And better than that, I LOVED all of the people I was singing with! It made rehearsals beautiful too. I was so thankful for those years, and knew that I would have been miserable singing with the other group even if Jessica was forced to let me sing. 

Scenario two. I was attending a big church, with lots of staff and lots of interns. Some of the interns were paid. I volunteered with a lot at the church, but had hoped to get a paid internship to cut back on working full time at Starbucks. There were several things I wanted to do - help with the social media, help with students, and with video/photography. I was already volunteering with all of those except social media. But other people were picked and/or were already in those positions. 

I was only at that church for a year, and at the end of that year it went south real quick. A lot of craziness happened, and a big group of us left. Some to other churches, and some to the church I'm at now, Vertical Life Church. I have been there for 5 years. About 6 months in to going there I started taking pictures for everything there. Two years ago I started running the church Facebook page and going to staff meetings. And in February of this year I started getting paid part time for administrative work for the students, and still for photography and Facebook. One guy I work with now I would have also been working with at the other church, but the rest are all new. And I love love love all of the people on staff and who are interns! It's been such a blessing. So even if I had gotten paid at the other church, it wouldn't have been that long, and I know I wouldn't be as close with everyone there as I am at VLC. 

Those are just two times God didn't allow something I was praying for, because He wanted to say yes later under better circumstances. 

Lonely

A common thread through all of life and all different people's lives is loneliness. It's such a weird thing. I can see it and explain it in my own life and in other people's lives, but its hard to fix.

Some people are lonely because they...
-don't have many friends
-have lots of friends but they are too busy/their friends are too busy
-are single
-are in a relationship / married but there's distance between them
-are stay at home moms who stay at home too much
-have lots of kids and not enough adult times
-are new at church and haven't been able to make connections yet
-work too much
-aren't included when their friends hang out that often
-hear lots of silence or "no"s when they invite people to get together
-are too busy
-can't commit to things or over commit to things... or their friends are one of those
-battle sickness that springs up quickly and randomly
-have different hobbies than their friends so they don't really want to join in
-have depression, it's that time of the month / PMS, or something of that nature
-are believing the lies of the enemy that strike at any time
-are living long term in another country for mission work and can't find strong Christians
-experience a lot of quantity time with people but not enough quality time
-aren't being loved in a way that fuels their love language

You would think that if you could just get enough people in your life on a regular basis, that you wouldn't feel lonely anymore. There's so many factors - from personalities, to love languages, to stages of life - that it's hard to "cure."

I know that God is the only one who can fill you up and make you not lonely. However, for some reason He allows us to be anyways. Part of it can stem from, "It's not good for man to be alone," (Genesis 2:18) and He has good plans for marriages, friendships where iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), building up the body of Christ together allows everyone's different gifts and talents to work together... There's the part where we are to be alone with the Lord, and there's a part where we "shouldn't give up meeting together regularly" (Hebrews 10:25). There's part of us that is aware that earth is not our homes, and we long for restoration.

Sometimes feeling lonely can last for years, sometimes it comes and goes, and then everything in between. Sometimes you can swing from being lonely to really filled up and NOT lonely in just a few days. Sometimes you can fix it, and sometimes you can't.

So then if you can't fix it, it becomes trying to find coping mechanisms. Escaping reality through drinking, watching TV, video games, reading, sleeping too much, etc. Staying extra busy. Or really nothing at all - just wallowing in it.

I wish I could fix everyone's loneliness, but I can't even fix my own sometimes. It's inevitable. It's life. Some just feel it more than others, some longer than others, some stronger than others.

I hope

I hope my prayers cause the Holy Spirit to stir your heart at that exact moment, and in heaven we'll find out those exact moments. I hope my prayers stop the spiritual attacks and make the angels win the wars going on in your life, even if it has nothing to do with me. I hope that when I pray for you to have joy and peace, that you are overwhelmed with it that day without even knowing why. I hope some day I can ask you if the things I prayed for you worked out, or if you saw any changes because of what I prayed for.

I hope my prayers wake you up in the middle of the night, and you feel the weight to pray for me too. Wake up!

I hope you grow to be a persistent pray-er if you aren't currently. I hope you are writing down things that God is doing for you and teaching you so that one day you can tell me about it. I hope you fast when the Lord calls you to, I hope you obey quickly when He speaks, and I hope you are more sensitive to the Holy Spirit even in the small things the more and more you know Him.

The fair

Day 79 of not working at Starbucks.

I have a good plan setup for this week of things to do and on what days. I'm optimistic for the week ahead, even though it's fall break for people and lots of my friends are away and so it will be a week with less human interaction. It's ok. I'll be extra productive this week.

I went to the North Georgia Fair on Friday night. I haven't been since I as 17. I went to the Washington State Fair about 4 years ago though. I feel like anything really good or really bad that happens at the fair is more engraved in your memory because the smells are strong, the sounds are specific, there are bright lights and bright colors, and the food is unique. Nothing crazy happened in my experience at the fair, just an observation. All of the senses are heightened, and it's almost overwhelming. Especially when there are SO many people. I literally didn't look at people's faces around me because my brain couldn't process that many. I could hardly keep track of the 7 people with me. I had funnel cake with chocolate on it. I heard David Crowder preform for 30 minutes. I tried a deep fried Oreo for the first time. I used an ATM for the first time in 10 years since I didn't realize the whole place only took cash. To me, the company was better than the fair itself.

Even with not working at Starbucks, my brain has been full. But mostly full of good stuff. I treasure the time and conversations I'm having with people, even if it's just 10 minutes, or even if it's just a routine time that I'm seeing them.

How long?

Let me tell you my vague and crazy story.

In January 2017 I began to pray for God to answer. Not answer a prayer the way I wanted it, but an answer to what HE wanted. I wanted to know a clear yes or no. That would determine my prayers and my actions - to walk left if God said no, and walk right if he said yes type of thing. Go big or go home. By the end of May 2017, He had told me yes 34 times. It was then I believed Him. But my circumstances didn't reflect it.

I continued to pray - not for more yes answers, but for specific things I needed to do in obedience, for encouragement, and for His promise to come to fulfillment. By January of 2018, I was more sure than ever that I had heard God and seen amazing things, with His answers and whispers to me being more complex than the beginning, weaving in a lot more details to make things a lot more beautiful. My circumstances still didn't reflect it.

Last week was number 50 of what God has spoken to me about it. I have typed them all up, taken pictures of things if they went along with it, and they are my rocks of remembrance to look back upon when I start to question God because of the time that has passed and the unchanged circumstances. I am so thankful for His continuing persistence with me, His continual voice, and His peace that keeps me steady. But I can't even describe how much I wish it was time for the promise to actually happen. For some reason it's just not ready. God's not going to give me a cake when it's not done, or a peach that isn't ripe yet, or a book with pages missing. I get that it's still in progress. But I wish He would hurry up and finish it. :-)

Truths: I know that His timing is perfect and detailed, I know that He is working when I cannot see it, I know that He has spoken, I know that He doesn't break His promises, I know that I have been so persistent in my prayers, and I know it all depends on God to bring this about and not me. These are the things I hold onto when satan asks me, "Did He really say that?" just like he asked Eve. Those truths, plus scripture to back it up, are what become my sword of truth against my fears and doubts.

If you type in, "how long," into the bible app, there are endless amounts of that question!

Imbalance

It's been the longest six weeks I've had in a long time! Not because they are bad, but because I am in this weird limbo, and time sits still. 

Sometimes I feel extra motivated, and I do my whole week's to do list in about three hours. Other times it takes me a week to do three things on my to do list. Sometimes I don't see people for three days in a row, and I feel stressed and crave being around friends, and then some weeks I see friends every single day and then I need more alone time. I can't get the right balance down right now. 

Some days I job search for four hours and apply to five jobs. Some days I don't job search at all, or I job search for two hours and can't find anything at all so I stop. I wonder at times if I'm going to be job searching for the next five years, and other times I'm like well I must have an awesome job up ahead for satan to be working so hard for me not to get it. 

Some days I spend two hours praying, reading the bible, and spending time with the Lord. Other days I'm pushing to do it for 15 minutes. (And of course all of the in-between amounts of times too.) 

Waiting. 

Things I like about my current season of life

Things I like about my current season of life (working 10 hours a week, broke, job searching, single):

-Extra time with friends
-I love my church job
-Staying up late, waking up late. I function best late at night.
-Not having anxiety attacks / panic attacks that I was having at Starbucks
-Being able to be flexible and do spur of the moment things
-Extra time with God and praying more
-Extra time to read
-Extra time to play games
-Did I say extra time?
-Not having to cook much since I'm just eating for me
-Going on mission trips and youth trips is easier than if I had kids
-I don't have to homeschool or put my kid in public school
-It's quiet. My room is quiet, my house is quiet, it's good.
-I can sit in my room for hours and do things on my time, alone, and peacefully
-I love taking pictures even when I don't get paid for it
-I don't feel bad for napping, but really I get enough sleep each night now and don't need to nap much
-When I'm sick I don't have to be around other people or call out from work
-When I have bad cramps once a month I don't have to be standing and running around the place like at Starbucks, I can do everything in my room sitting or laying down
-I can eat whenever the heck I want instead of asking for a break at work when I'm starving! And I can eat healthier really because I have more options of food at home instead of only being able to bring certain food to work

All that being said, I'm still ready for a full time job that I love, still want to move out, and still want a husband. All of the above does not diminish my desire for those things, I just want to enjoy where I'm currently at because this is where God has me. I hope that I can always see the good in where God has me.

My 1:45 AM random thoughts

My 1:45 AM random thoughts.

Why did God make our hearts to be so much stronger than our brain sometimes? I mean I get that it's good for our heart to be full of love and patience and all the good stuff, and those things should be strong. But why does He allow our heart to make the decisions on other things too, and so quickly override? Brain says make better boundaries, heart says no I don't want to. Brain says eat better, heart says eat sweets. Brain says save money, heart says I want to buy coffee. Brain says things are going to be fine, heart says PANIC!

Next thought. I am reading / looking at The Bible Project book, one book of the bible a day. Today I read and looked at Numbers. It called the wilderness the desert of Paran, and I have never ever noticed that before, or ever considered that the wilderness had a name. I looked up the Hebrew meaning for Paran, and it means to glorify or beautify. The opposite of the wildreness!! The Israelites complained the whole time, and then they all died before getting to the Promised Land - only their children got in - so it didn't beautify them, and I mean the only way I could see that it glorified God is that He kept is covenant promise that they would get in, but only their kids. But I want to look more into that later.

Third thought. I hate when I read Christian non-fiction that sounds like a good idea, but then I read it and it's so common sense and dull. Like someone wrote whole books on what could have been one page. But then other books I read I'm underlining tons of stuff and it's so impactful. For example, all of the books I've read by Priscilla Shirer have been amazing! And so powerful. Right now though I'm reading a book that had good reviews but it's just so watered down that I'm trying to skim it to finish it.

Day four. Places to go, people to see, things to do... jobs to apply to.

Day 4 of my freedom from Starbucks.

In the past 4 days I have had Panera with a friend, gotten Krispy Kreme donuts, held a sleeping baby in the nursery, had pizza with a friend, went to friends' house to catch up and play games, walked some trails with a friend, took pictures of a mom and her 8 month old in a field of sunflowers, read books, and spent time with God.

Last week I applied to 8 places, emailed 6 places to see if they were hiring, and up 4 email alerts if their company posted a new job that matched what I was looking for. Just yesterday and today I applied to 3 places, emailed 1 place, and have 6 companies set to email me or to check back on. I'm not job searching on Sundays.

In a few days, several of my close friends come back from Slovakia, and I haven't seen them in three weeks. And then two others I haven't seen in 6-9 weeks. It's stupid how much I miss them. I'm serious. It's stupid.

There have been moments where I didn't feel like doing anything. Like I literally just sat there and did nothing for a solid 15 minutes. And then I had to make myself get up and do something.

One of the jobs I applied to said, "860 other people have applied to this job" and I do not want to know that!!!

Day one. Two thumbs up!

Day one of my freedom from Starbucks:

I got Starbucks (I know, ironic, but I still like coffee and I did not go to MY Starbucks) on my way to Panera Bread 45 minutes away near Atlanta. There I had lunch with one of my best friends Kaylene for several hours. I have not seen her since Christmas, although we text a lot. On my way home I stopped at Krispy Kreme and The Daily Grind to get more coffee, since it was around 4:00 by then. I job searched a bit before dinner. I was online for a while after dinner, and then read some.

Tomorrow is church and small group / bible study. A new pizza place just opened up right next to our church, so I'm going there for lunch. I'm looking forward to a bunch of my friends coming home this week from 3 weeks in Slovakia - a some that have been there even longer. I have 14 paid vacation hours to put in for Starbucks this week too.

Saturdays were my least favorite days at Starbucks because they were some of the busiest, and often understaffed because of the amount of labor Starbucks allowed us to have. So thankful that today was far better than all my other Saturdays working!

It's coming

Tomorrow - TOMORROW! - is my last day at Starbucks. Six years and eight months.

This week I have applied for and sent emails inquiring about jobs to 14 places (and I also worked 11 hours at Starbucks, and 6 and a half hours tomorrow). Today alone I job searched for 3 hours split between doing other things.

Intermixed with my job searching, I'm so glad I will have friends to hang out with, books to read, my church job and meetings, and more.

I finished a book called, "Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire" today, a book about prayer, and it was good. I know that praying for the right job is bigger than my job searching, because only God can get me a job. I am of course supposed to job search and do my part, but I know that it's all in God's hands as to which job I get (and don't get).

I got The Bible Project giant book, where it has drawings of each book of the bible, and the text about the explanation of it all too, like a commentary without too much confusing stuff. I'm going to read one each day, so 66 days worth. Today I read the Genesis one.

Someone asked me how I was going to celebrate ending my job, and I'm not doing anything tomorrow night, but Saturday I'm going to have lunch with my friend Kaylene who I only get to see twice a year, so that's a celebration! And then since we're meeting halfway, and it's 45 minutes from me, I'm also going to get Krispy Kreme donuts on the way home since it is near where we are meeting. That's a great celebration day for me! :-)

My layover in life

In 2012, on my way to Slovakia, we had a layover in London. We missed our flight because our plane was late getting in, and I thought we would have to sleep in the airport and stay 24 hours. But two of our people flew out pretty shortly after, and the airport paid for the rest of us to stay in a hotel, paid for dinner, and we got to go see London for an entire day! It was the best layover of my life! London was never somewhere I thought I would get to see. I was so excited to get on the upstairs part of the double decker bus, and just be in a foreign city that I wasn't expecting to see.

On top of that, that night at the hotel I was put in a room with a girl named Katie, who I didn't know very well, and that night was when our friendship really started. She woke me up by talking in her sleep in the middle of the night and I didn't know she was sleeping so I responded, which woke her up, and then we ended up talking for a few hours. And our lifelong friendship began. I remember thinking that night that I really wanted to be friends with this girl, and I had missed that realization before.

So when I pray for people in their traveling, I usually pray that they catch their flights at the right time, but that if they don't, that God would make their layover a great one. It has also been such a cool metaphor in my life in that we always want to catch our flight and get to the places we want to go in a timely manner and not hate the way there. But what if on the way there your layover is NOT where you're stuck in an airport for 24 hours, but getting to go sightseeing and making a best friend?

What if this "layover" in between jobs for me is not to be seen as a punishment or a terrible time, but somehow something good will happen? Maybe I won't get a job right away, but maybe God will have a purpose for the in-between time, and later I will say it was the best in-between time I could have had. It doesn't mean I won't still look hard for a job. It doesn't mean I'll be lazy. It doesn't mean I'll just read books for 10 hours a day. But in this time, I want to be attune to what God is doing, what He is teaching me, what He is saying, and where He wants me to go.

I'll probably be blogging / writing a little more during this time, and I hope that somehow it will be encouraging to others, and that it will bring glory to God and to what He is doing. I have heard other people telling their stories of what God has done and is doing in their life, and sometimes it's just amazing to hear, and so I hope I can do the same. My sweet friend Anna tells me all the time to write a book because of the things God has done in my life, and I told her I might some day, but it'll probably be a few years. :-)

My scattered thoughts on quitting my job today: Finally!

Today I put my two weeks notice in for Starbucks after almost 7 years. I'll be living off of a 10 hour a week job at my church, and my savings. I'll be job searching extra hard. And praying even harder.

Of course the fears come in. How long can I be without a job? How long can I slowly go through my savings? How long can I keep paying my student loans? How long can I go without insurance?

Is there even a way to ENJOY being without a job (minus my church job)? Is there any way I can even view this as a journey or an adventure? How do I listen to what the Lord is saying and know where the Lord is guiding me? Is there a way to receive peace from Him in this time?

Someone from my church that I don't even know all that well sent me a message about something else, and then saw that I quit my job and said, "Congratulations! I'm sure that was a big decision. But it's amazing the opportunities that God provides when we're not busy doing the stuff we don't need to be doing." WOW! What a perspective switch! I know that God has wanted me at Starbucks and I have planted lots of seeds there, but maybe there came a time when my season of fruitfulness there was over and I just stayed because I didn't have another job. Who knows.

There are so many rude, annoying, and angry customers that I'm glad I'll never have to see again. There are so many unrealistic, stupid, petty rules I'll never have to follow again.

I'll have to exercise more since I won't be on my feet 8 hours a day. I'll save money in gas from not driving 20 minutes to and from work each day. I'll have to cut back on drinking coffee because I won't be able to afford it, but maybe it'll be good for my body anyways.

Maybe I'll only be off for 2 weeks, and then get a job, and then this time in-between jobs will be shorter than I imagined.

Things I'm Thankful For:
-Friends that are praying for me, going to keep me accountable to job searching, are encouraging, and who make my life so beautiful
-My church
-Church job that I love
-Parents
-I already have books to read so I don't need to buy any more
-God has been answering other prayers in my life and other people's lives and it has been great to see!

On Jordan's stormy banks I stand

It's the end of the wilderness. I can see the other side. So hold on now, I'm going in. I'm wading into the river, praying the Lord holds up the water where I can't even see it, allowing me to pass through. May this all bring Him glory. May the stories that led up to this time point people to Him, and may the fulfillment of His promises show others that He is indeed real.

I have stacks of rocks behind me, of moments He spoke, of moments He encouraged me, and I glance at them often to remember what amazing things He did to lead up to this. But of course I battle the doubts, because it's all in what I have heard Him say and nothing in the circumstances that I can see. Perhaps if even one small thing were reflecting what I've heard...but no, I haven't seen it yet. I have only heard. I can only trust. I trust the One who has spoken, and I believe the Lord will do what He says.

The spiritual attacks have been an onslaught over the past few months. Things have stepped up a notch. As if satan thinks any attack would thwart God's plan. Ha! No. Because I know all of this, all of what He has promised, is not of MY doing, but of His. Sure, He has asked me to do specific things, and I have been obedient to the best of my human abilities. But it is not all dependent on me. So I fight the attacks. I pray the big things. I push and push and push and push. I march around the walls of Jericho over and over, waiting for the day when it crumbles down in an instant.

As I pondered this the other day, the imagery of standing at the brink of the Promised Land, of the fulfillment of what God has promised, I was scrolling through Facebook and Crowder posted a line on his facebook that said, "I'm longing for the Promise Land. Are you with me?" with a link to a video of him singing a song that I had never heard before, from a few years ago. Some of the lyrics are, "On Jordan's stormy banks I stand, I'm longing for the promised land... I believe something is coming, there's no way I can move unless You choose to do something." Yes! What great timing to read that and hear that song for the first time, as I had just been thinking about that.

The fire

I felt like I heard a spark, and when I turned around, there was a giant fire ablaze. To make it worse, the wind picked it up, coursing through the flames to strengthen it. On one hand, the warmth and beauty is stunning. On the other hand, it burns quickly toward destruction. Trying to put out the fire is a daunting task because I feel so unequipped and unable to pull myself together and actually do it. I feel like if I could just get the fire under control, it would be a nice bonfire instead of a forest fire. But I have no idea what to do or what is going to happen. When hearts and sin an flesh is involved, there's an uncontrollable force behind it. Of course the Holy Spirit is greater than all fires, and I pray He calms the fire just like Jesus calmed the sea. 

Celebrate in the waiting

Times that I'm good with waiting:

-When I'm waiting on someone who is late and I have a book to read or I have other things I need to catch up on, or when I'm actively doing something fun while I wait
-When I have someone I enjoy to wait with me
-When I need to process or think about something, and waiting gives me the opportunity to do that
-When I see the steps along the way that are leading up to an end result, or there is a specific end time (that isn't a ridiculous amount of time)
-When God gives me supernatural peace and patience
-When there are things to take pictures of while I wait

I do not celebrate the waiting itself, I celebrate IN the waiting. Same thing with the scripture about being thankful IN all circumstances, not FOR all circumstances.

There's a song called, "While I'm Waiting," by John Waller, and it's good... part of the chorus says, "While I'm waiting, I will serve You. While I'm waiting, I will worship." While I'm waiting I will be about the Lord's business, doing my best to run the race well, be obedient, and continue spreading the Good News. While I'm waiting I will use the gifts the Lord gave me, I will serve others, I will live life with friends, and I will write down all that God does so I can go back and remember it.

I know that God has great plans! And I know His timing is perfect. Scripture trumps feelings, and truth prevails through trials and attacks. His grace covers all my weaknesses and sins, and He still chooses to use a broken vessel (myself) to reach others.

The good things as of lately

My mission trip to South Dakota is in 5 weeks (and 2 days)! I've been helping plan it the last few weeks, and it's exciting. I'm excited to go to a new place, take pictures, go with people that I love as well as new people, and most of all, to share the love of Jesus with more people. 

I have a new "job" - eight to ten hours a week I'm helping with admin stuff at my church. This sounds minor, but to me it's a major because:

-that means only 4 days at Starbucks instead of 5

-I like meetings and planning and that's what I'm doing! 

-I finally have a good reason to use OneNote

-I'm working with awesome people 

-It's nice actually liking what I do for a job instead of working because I have to 

In two weeks, our small groups at church are starting! And to start off with I'm going to two. :-) Because I like the people in both, and just am not sure which one I'm going to stay in yet. But I'm looking forward to being in a bible study again. 

Books are just awesome. I love reading. It makes the boring days good. 

I've been enjoying time with friends. Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold. 

Is this the last time?

Sometimes you know when the last time you do something is. And sometimes there’s no way of knowing. Valentine’s Day was this past week, and I’ve never really been one of those “I’m so mad I’m single on Valentine’s Day” because it’s simply a day. But I did wonder… What if this was my last Valentine’s Day being single? Because in the course of a year, a lot can happen. Not saying I would be married this time next year, but someday will be my last Valentine’s Day being single, and I won’t have even known it until the next year. Same for anything really. Like what if this year I had a boyfriend and got engaged, and didn’t know that this past Christmas was my last one at my current church? What if last year’s trip to Kenya was the last one I went to single, since I’m not sure what year I’m going back again, and I didn’t know it? Honestly it crossed my mind while I was there. But of course, there’s no way to know.

Or maybe I’ll get a new job this year, and December was the last insane December at Starbucks. And I won’t have known it.

It’s hard to imagine those things because of the 6 years I’ve been at Starbucks and the 30 years (in May) that I’ve been single… not that my first 13 years really counted as being single, hahaha… and so the concept of those things changing don’t really compute well in my brain. They both sound as far away as retiring, or dying of old age. These people who say that life is short or that time flies, I’m not sure what they’re doing to make them think that. I feel like it’s the movie Ground Hog Day a lot of times.

Don’t get me wrong – right now in my life I am happy with a lot of things! Church is good, we’re about to start small groups, I always enjoy taking pictures, I love getting together with friends, my new boss is great, I’m excited about going on a mission trip to South Dakota in a few weeks, I’m planning some other trips for this year, and more. I’m trying to enjoy this “season” of my life and “make the most of where I’m planted.” Insert all the cliché quotes here. But the underlying desires don’t simply go away. They just sit underneath it all.

It's weird when you know your perspective is off, but you keep getting it pulled into focus in your life anyways.

I have a lot of great things in my life! But the things that walk center stage for 8 hours of my day are things that are annoying, things that make me angry, etc. It's often repetitive, out of my control, and if I try to talk to someone about it, they don't care or don't remember. It doesn't help that most of my coworkers get caught up in complaining too.

-People leave the pitcher rinser running, so it's the sound of constant loud running water. Not only does the sound get on my nerves, but sometimes it makes me not be able to hear customers well.
-Someone putting clean dishes back out so we get it dirty again before the night is over
-People who say the same exact same phrase or sentence to every customer. In response to "how are you?" "Oh hanging in there!" "Can't complain! No one would care if I did!" "I'm tired but I gotta be here."
-Putting dirty dishes in the soap water before rinsing them off (or just leaving them on the side for someone else to do) which makes the water immediately brown with coffee, mocha, etc.
-Some people are just really bad at drivethru and everybody gets confused, they ask unnecessary questions and confuse the customer, etc.
-We're supposed to have under 50 seconds per car at the window from open 7:00 AM - 11:00 AM, so some people get extremely stressed, get angry, ask why a person is still at the window when you have no control over it, ask them to pull up so we can take stuff out to them but there aren't always enough people to do that and then it throws us all off
-People who try to finish a drink that I'm still holding IN MY HAND as if they were being helpful
-Someone leaving a drink half finished and walking off and forgetting about it
-People not making whip creams or filling up half and half carafes, so then when we need them we're rushing to do it because we need it RIGHT THEN
-Someone making loud breathing noises into the headset, weird popping sounds, and pushing the mic to their mouth too far and being WAY louder and hurting my ears, even when ask them to stop
-People doing other things off the floor and then not coming to help us when we get slammed
-Customers who say frappe or frapp instead of Frappuccino
-Customers who add a million things at the window and hold up the line instead of ordering at the box like a normal person

This list never ends. And some people I work with are amazingly annoying, like I didn't know I could be that annoyed with a person until I worked at SB.

I don't want to be so frustrated with all of these things. They are minor in the grand scheme of things. Some of them are really petty and small. Sometimes I try to constantly think about other things at work. The good things. Things at church, things coming up that I'm looking forward to, good books I'm reading, etc. Sometimes that does great! Other times it doesn't. Sometimes I try to pray all day. That works when I am mostly cleaning and doing dishes, but not at all when I'm making drinks and ringing people up because that requires my full attention. But overall, it's just draining. I feel stuck in it. I can't get out. I see no end to it.