Here I am

I don't remember exactly what age I was, but I know I was older than 7 because of the current house I'm in. Too big to ride my little purple tricycle, but still able to sit on it and push it with my feet and my knees off to the side because they didn't fit under the handlebars. My mom was in the garage/basement and I was pushing around on my too-small tricycle when I decided it would be fun to glide down our long driveway which is on a hill. My thought was that it would be a fun, fast ride to the bottom.

We all have those moments before the event happens when you think, "Oh, this is a good idea," and then it crashes and burns. And maybe it will forever occur in our lives because we are human.

I picked up my feet and started going down the driveway at a speed that was too fast and was unable to stop. I went shooting forward and landed on the concrete with some serious scraped up knees and I don't know where else was scraped up, I just remember my knees. I screamed and cried and my mom came to get me, helped me inside, and we worked on fixing up those wounds.

Here I am Lord, give me clear eyes to see what is smart or what would cause me damage, from the every day decisions to the biggest life decisions.  Not to be paralyzed in fear of failure or pain, because it happens, but to sit still when needed, and act in a good way when it's time.

Waiting, running away, running forwards

Patience is not a virtue, it's a fruit of the spirit. I need patience. In the past month I've gained a lot of much needed patience and have been at peace with a lot of stuff. At the same time, I have a very independent nature, I'm very persistent, and I'm very bold. Most of the time. I don't like to wait, I don't like in-between stages, I don't like sitting around wondering when something is going to happen. I get in this fight or flight mode almost - I want to act and do something, or run the other way and try to pretend I don't actually want what I want. Metaphorically speaking I pace - walking towards what I want and trying to figure out what to do, and then walking away from it giving up or being mad about the wait. Back and forth, back and forth. Especially when I pray and I think God says yes but nothing happens. Like God telling Abraham he will have a son, but then Abraham waits and it doesn't happen yet so he tries his own way. Or quite frankly I could be wrong, moving in the wrong direction. The best thing is to not run to it or away from it, but to sit still and let God take the lead.

Ah, to sit still. For how long? There’s a fine line between sitting still and moving. We can’t just sit around and expect things to fall into place if we’ve done nothing. While each situation differs, a month of “sitting still” feels like FOREVER. And you wonder, “Wait, is this going to last another month? 4 months? A year?” And the thought makes me want to run away and say, “Forget it, I’d rather not get my hopes up or hope for that because it just might never happen.” I’d rather hear a YES or a NO for sure and let the waiting stop. Because the longer I move nowhere, the stronger the urge to run away. I also feel exhausted from “sitting still,” almost like I’m having to tred water to stay in that same spot and not move. Not swimming in any direction, but still having to tred water, and I get tired. Even while I sit still my mind is going 100 miles per hour and I’m distracted and I’m hurting and I’m impatient and I’m anxious. I feel like running the other way would cause all of that to stop, but it could be running from what God is trying to give me….just not in my timing.

God’s timing is perfect. I believe that. And I am thankful for His precision because I would butcher everything with my impatience if all time matters were up to me. Sometimes I still do mess things up. I think the worst thing is when you think God said yes and you wait for a really long time, and it turns out you were wrong. God didn’t say yes. So you’d sat there and waited for a long time for nothing. It makes me want to wait less the next time.

One thing I’ve learned is that God does not protect us from all pain. He lets us hurt. That is the result of a fallen world and He doesn’t just swoop in and make everything amazing. What He does do is comfort us, give us peace, give us understanding, etc. depending on the situations. I hate to hurt. I mean who likes it, but still, I’m just saying. I’d rather avoid it at all costs. My waiting hurts. And sometimes I think, “Really God? Why did you have to put this want in me now when You’re not going to give it to me now or at all? Couldn’t you wait til right before it’s going to happen? And if it’s not going to happen, can’t you take that desire away? What’s the point of really wanting something and you allowing that, and then you saying no?”

Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get. But I use a knife to cut open the chocolates before I stick it in my mouth, or I use the guide that tells you what they are. It’s the worst to bite into one that you hate. So technically life is not like a box of chocolates. Life has the constant unknown and the constant thought of, “If I make this decision, it could alter everything. If I make this decision too early, it could ruin things. If I make this decision too late, I could miss an opportunity. If I make this decision and it’s the wrong one, I could end up in a world of pain. If I make this decision and it’s the right one, then I am going to be so happy and thankful.” It’s nice to know that despite my decisions, if God really wants something to happen or not to happen, He will step in and work.