People in life

There are people in life who listen to your silence. They notice when you’re distant, when you leave because you’re in pain, and when your silence yells louder than your words.

They’ll sit with you and wait until you’re ready to talk, and they’ll be patient with your processing. They’ll be eager to see you joyful again, but all the while they let you take your time.

They find your quirks endearing even if you see them as silly. They might even have the same quirks you do. Their transparency and honesty shine bright in a world of myths and half-truths and hiding behind masks.

They are excited for you in the mountain tops, and weeping with you in the valleys. But most importantly, you walk in between for stretches of time where there may not be any major highs or lows. Just the day-to-day life. But even those times are good because you can still find good things along the way.

As much as people in my life do this for me, I hope to do it for others too. 

Life

I would summarize the past few months as mostly bad. And it continues to amaze me at how bad it continues to be. Did I walk under a ladder at some point, dooming me to bad luck? 

I had diarrhea for 3 months. I had to go to lots of doctors and take lots of medicines, trying to figure out what it was. They think it was a parasite. I'm better now, but still paying for it. I mean with literal money, not physically. Shortly after I was better, I got a cold for about a week and a half. Lots of congestion, had to use a whole box of kleenex a day type of thing. I was glad it didn't develop into a cough though. I was only better for a week, when I started getting a sore throat yesterday!! And it's hurt all day today!! :-( Physically I've not been fantastic. 

My back left window broke two weeks ago. I put it down because I heard a bug in my car as I drove, and when I put it down there was an awful crunching noise, and it wouldn't go back up. The mechanic got it up most of the way for me to put a trash bag to cover it, and I had about 6 days of driving it around until the piece came in and we had time to go drop off my car. More money. 

At work it's been really busy and stressful. People have been jerks - getting really angry at us for stupid reasons and reasons out of our control. A lot of things keep breaking, like the ice machine, the sticker machine, the bar, and more. Having it broken and then having someone fix it slows us down. We also have a lot of new people which slows us down. Yesterday we were slammed and couldn't keep up, and the Starbucks health inspector showed up, with one of the girls working with us being brand new, and a second one that came in shortly after was also brand new. We only failed by two points. We all had to keep washing our hands while she was there, and my hands were already REALLY dry, so it made it worse. Like cracking and almost bleeding kind of thing. I was more mad that I had to wash my hands so many times than us "failing" because 87 isn't bad. Coworkers have been lazy or annoying and I have lost my temper a few times with some of them. 

There's been a few bad health things going on in my family, from an injured shoulder to heart problems. 

But I want to still talk about the good things, because they are there too. I went to Charleston in June and it was great. I have gotten a lot of great photography jobs recently, and it's extra money (to cover the crazy stuff going on) as well as fun. I had lunch on Sunday with some friends who used to live here but now live in Virginia and were visiting for the weekend. I've had lunch, dinner, and coffee with other friends over the past few months too. I got to have dinner in July with a few of my girl friends from high school to celebrate our 10 years out of high school, and one of those had a baby shower the next day that I got to go to. I went to a game night last month to play Settlers of Catan. I'm on the last season of The Office which I'm watching for the first time and my brother is the one paying for Netflix and lets me watch his. 

When I think that my life is uneventful, I write about all these things and remember that it isn't. It wears me out emotionally and/or physically sometimes! 

Wandering

Sometimes my mind just wanders. Usually it wanders back to good times, and sort of replays them in my head. Sometimes I remember conversations I've had that made me laugh, and I laugh again in the present. Yesterday I thought back to this...

I was on a leadership retreat at a lake house in Alabama, in November of last year. 10 months ago. It was late on Saturday night, and some people had already gone to bed, some people had fallen asleep in chairs and on sofas in the living room, and some people were playing a board game. We were all in pajamas, and pretty much ready for bed. But a few of us were still awake. The living room was dark, but there was still light coming from around the fireplace which was in the middle of the room, from where they were playing the board game. The few of us still awake in the living room talked about dreams we've had, crazy stories, scary stories that happened to us, and more. It was this constant flow of conversations and stories. It went on for like about two hours, but I'm not really sure of how long we talked, it could have been longer, because I had no concept of time, no concept of having to drive home the next morning, no concept of anything beyond right then. It was just good. We laughed, we learned more about each other, we didn't care what we looked like. The only reason I think it was around two hours is because I had written than down when it happened.

There were other good conversations that weekend on the drive to and from Alabama, at lunch at Chili's on the way there, on the back porch facing the lake, on the dock, around the fire, in the living room the night before when we all went around and said what we liked about each person. 

Sometimes it's just nice to think about good times. 

Cyber junkies

I read a book back in 2010 called, "Cyber Junkie: Escape the Gaming and Internet Trap," by Kevin Roberts. I'm going to guess there are even more books similar to this now, because at the time I had a hard time finding a book like this. I thought of this book today because of the Pokemon Go game. Now it seems like a normal thing that everybody is addicted to gaming and the internet and their phone and social media. Suddenly almost everybody is a cyber junkie. I wanted to look back now at what I underlined from the book and put some of that on here...

"Many people write off cyber junkies as unproductive losers and perhaps even brand us stupid. Quite the contrary, we are creative and imaginary souls. However, we fail to uncover ways to productively channel our gifts and form the human connections we crave. We dream of dynamic, purposeful, contact-filled, and exciting lives, but we just do not put together the steps needed to fulfill our vision. If you could peer into our minds, you would discover them bubbling over with insights and ideas."

"To keep from returning to games, we must find an adventure in the real world that is worthy of our skills. Our goal must be not to simply get these folks to stop their obsessive behavior, but rather assist them in channeling their enormous potential into exciting and worthwhile pursuits."

I agree with this to some degree, and I think it would work better for some people better than others. Even when I'm busy taking pictures, editing them, going places, spending time with friends, etc. I still have a hard time with being on the internet / phone / games.

The next part of the book goes into addiction itself. It says that the brain looks the same under a scan when someone is addicted to a game or the internet as it is to drugs or alcohol. It literally changes your brain. It's said that you sometimes get this in your DNA too, if you have family members who have been addicted to things. The chemicals in your brain are different.

It talks about how it's difficult when you use the internet for your job or you have a phone constantly in your pocket, and that even when you get one urge under control, such as not being on Facebook, chances are another will take it's place. I've definitely had that happen to me.

I remember a website called, "StumbleUpon" where you choose your interests and things you like to see, and then click the button and it takes you to a random website based on what your interests are, and you can give it a thumbs up or thumbs down kind of like Pandora, and it starts to learn what you like and don't like. It literally is a stumbling block. You find games and beautiful pictures and interesting facts and things that make you laugh and crazy things on google maps, and the list goes on and on. I can't remember the last time I went to that website because time escaped when I did that. It's similar with Pinterest though - you think of a board that you want to add to, and you scour the internet to add more and more things to your board. It's crazy.

I think that it's a weirdly interesting phenomenon the way the brain kicks into addiction mode. The book mentions that you have a wiring of survival mode, that if you don't get food you'll obviously die, or if you're under water too long your body forces you back to the surface to get air. Somewhere in that thought process addiction comes in to play, where it confuses an addiction with a survival mode - that if you don't play a game or get on the internet, you will die. Although that literal thought doesn't go through your head, it is the same feelings and chemicals in your brain.

I am going to see if there are more books out there soon about this. I'm sure more have been written in the past 6 years, as the rise of iphones came about around the year 2010.

Random things

Random things:

-FYI - if you're on your phone in bible study or in the middle of service, people around you and behind you can see when you are NOT ON THE BIBLE APP. Even if you think you're being sneaky or averting it where people can't see it, they can. Can you not focus for one hour without your phone?

-Whoever started the "that's my spirit animal"  - I hate you. It doesn't make any sense. And some people have a whole zoo that they are "spirit animals" with.

-"I'll be with you in spirit." No, you won't. What does that even mean?

-"I'm sending you good vibes." That's not real either. That doesn't do anything.

-I'm getting to use my creativity more through helping out with social media for church, and that makes me happy.

-I think it's so important to have things going on in your life outside of just work and/or school. Hobbies, friends, projects, church things, etc. It gives you something to look forward to, and helps you from just going home and vegging until you go to bed, and repeating the cycle every single day. I think it's hilariously ironic when coworkers tell me, "You don't get out" or "You don't ever have fun," just because I don't get drunk or go to bars.

Thoughts

If thoughts were trees then I'd say I have a forest in my head. Some of the trees are big and fully grown. Some of them are tiny and just starting. Some of them are rotting away, and some of them are vibrant colors with beautiful birds on them. Some are fallen trees and thoughts, and I'm hoping they disappear some day.

Sometimes I turn my back on the forest of thoughts and read a book or watch TV. Sometimes I let someone in and let them see the forest too. Sometimes I build walls and only view others from a peephole in the wall, not allowing anyone to know what I'm thinking. Sometimes it's just easier if I'm silent.

Daniel's prayers

Recently I've been thinking about Daniel 9 and 10. They're fascinating chapters to me.

In chapter 9, Gabriel came to Daniel and said, "Daniel, I have come here to give you insight and understanding. The moment you began praying, a command was given. And now I am here to tell you what it was, for you are very precious to God. Listen carefully so that you can understand the meaning of your vision." (9:22-23)

In chapter 10, Daniel saw a vision, where an angel came to speak to him. “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer. But for twenty-one days the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way. Then Michael, one of the archangels, came to help me, and I left him there with the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia. Now I am here to explain what will happen to your people in the future, for this vision concerns a time yet to come.” (10:12-14)

Wow! The moment we start praying, God is able to act if He so chooses. And maybe it's not something visible, but something invisible. Maybe it's a change in someone's heart or attitude. Maybe it's something that God speaks to someone that you may never know about. Maybe it's something small that has to start in order for something big to eventually happen. 

And then it shows that there was also a battle in the heavens. I have no idea what the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia is. Commentaries only say he is a spiritual enemy. This is spiritual warfare. It confuses me because why couldn't God just push the bad guy out of the way and send the angel on faster? For 21 days they fought! And I'm sure 3 weeks is relatively short. But what a weird concept. It makes me wonder if when I'm in heaven I will get to see how my prayers were taken, what happened because of them, and what spiritual battles were fought. 

The battle

The battle between desire and trying to give that up to God is a battle that rages fiercely. To constantly pray that my heart is aligned with His, that my desires are only what He wants me to have, and that all else falls away, but then for my heart not to change is something I don't understand. There are days when I just don't want to think about it - I just want to read books and watch TV so I don't have to think about it or feel it. You'd think work would be busy enough to keep my mind occupied, but it's not always. "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" That quote used to haunt me, because I knew that I used to talk about my desires and things I wanted far more than I prayed about it, but now it is the absolute opposite. Sure, I'll still talk about it sometimes, but now I've prayed about it so much more than I have talked about it. By hours upon hours. I am that persistent neighbor knocking on the door from the parable in the bible. One day when I get to heaven God will probably say, "Well, persistence is something you did not lack in your prayers. You stood before me asking me the same thing for years."

This morning in church, our pastor talked about how the example of Elijah praying for rain in James was used as an example because "The picture of rain pouring out of heaven onto desperately dry ground is a perfect illustration of God's outpouring of spiritual healing and restoration into the desperate souls of the spiritually broken." Elijah prayed several times for the rain to come. He kept sending someone to go look for clouds, and none were coming. He kept praying. And finally there was a distant cloud.

As a child, we have different desires than we do as adults. Getting a barbie doll was hugely important to me. (So was books, but I still like those!) Today, I have the money and ability to buy as many barbies as I want, but of course I don't want them. I often pray that if God will not fill a desire in my life, that He will literally take it away in that same sense. That I literally will not want it anymore. He has done it before in the past for specific things, but others He has not. Sometimes it was an immediate change in my heart, and other times it took a few years. Others still remain.

I feel like it's the same ache as being hungry. But I can't go eat. It's the same ache as needing Aloe Vera on sunburned skin, but I can't find any aloe. It's not this minor annoyance that can be subsided with some Tylenol or a band aid. At the same time, there are people around me who get their desires filled, the same ones I'm praying for, so they're eating feasts around me and using up all the Aloe. And I'm sure they have their own desires and misfortunes in life, but from what I can see, God has filled that desire for them. And not me. I know it is not because He doesn't love me as much. And I know He has a purpose. But that doesn't lessen the pain.

Watch out!

“Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your Father in heaven. When you give to someone in need, don’t do as the hypocrites do—blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity! I tell you the truth, they have received all the reward they will ever get. But when you give to someone in need, don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Give your gifts in private, and your Father, who sees everything, will reward you." - Matthew 6:1-4

The modern day version of blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets is blasting about it on Facebook and other social media, disguised by words such as, "I'm so blessed to get to serve/give..." "I'm so humbled by the opportunity to serve/give..." "I get to serve/give today and all the glory goes to God!"

LOOK HOW GREAT I AM! LOOK HOW MUCH I DO FOR GOD! LOOK HOW GIVING I AM!

Listen, I get that it's a struggle. I get that you are excited about it. I love taking pictures, so I want to take pictures of what I love and what is going on around me, but at the same time I don't want to be that person who takes pictures of things to say, "Look at me serving! Look at me doing these good things! Look at me being helpful!" I'm not saying everybody who does that doesn't give and serve with a genuine heart or reasoning behind it, but it’s exactly what those verses in Matthew are talking about. They are done publicly, and not just in front of the people you’re serving, which is one thing, but in front of your hundreds of Facebook “friends.”

And maybe I’m overly frustrated because I’m on Facebook a lot, and it’s all over Facebook. Maybe I’m frustrated because we don’t address it enough or keep each other accountable enough in this area. And if by chance we bring it up, we’re afraid of offending someone. The last time I told someone their Facebook stuff was inappropriate or questionable, guess how that went down? Not well. So it’s been a long time. Because we don’t want to be hypocrites or judgmental or point out a speck in somebody’s eye when we have a log in our own but for crying out loud, we’ve got to be the ones who keep each other accountable or no one ever will! Can you imagine standing in heaven when God says, “Well, you lost most of your rewards in heaven because you were really showy on Facebook, and none of your friends were willing to confront you about it.” Now I don’t know what the rewards in heaven are, but they’re made to be a big deal in the bible. So, I’m going to assume that it is. I feel like staying off Facebook all together would do a lot of people a lot of good. Not just in this area, but in jealousy, in anxiety, fear, worry, anger, doubt… There’s a whole myriad of emotions that facebook drags to the surface of our hearts that don’t even belong there.

Let’s just call it as it is – Facebook is often a sin. It can be a stumbling block. It’s where we flaunt our pride. It’s where we rely on what we see from other people’s posts instead of what God is telling us.

This post isn’t just about the evils of Facebook, because we’ve all read a million of those articles, but it is really about the fact that sometimes people are so quick to call attention to themselves in the ways that Matthew says to watch out for… and we aren’t watching out for it. We aren’t watching out for ourselves, nor are we watching out for our friends. Not as a whole – some people never post on Facebook, some people post things that are just basic or funny or actually giving glory to God on Facebook. I’m not giving a sweeping statement here to everybody ever. It’s just something I see and that bothers me. And a reminder to myself that I do not want to do that or be that or ever become that. May God send people into my life to be bold enough to tell me if I am leaning that way or becoming too showy. 

I'm going to Charleston!

In 22 days I'm going to Charleston, South Carolina for the first time. I have always heard great things about it. I have always wanted to go. I will only be gone for 5 days, and really 2 of those will be driving days. I haven't been to the beach in 5 years. I've been looking online, on Pinterest, on Instagram, and looking through the streets of the Charleston area on the street view. And because I wanted to see the inside of those beautiful houses and mansions, I found a place that listed houses for sale there, and saw the insides of houses that cost 2 million to 6 million dollars. WOW.

I can't wait to go see the beautiful things, take pictures of them, eat ice cream, go to the beach, go to gardens and parks, and enjoy the time there. I've heard that this is one of the places that photographers love to go because of the doors, gates, houses, detail, trees, ocean, and more. The beautiful things. The decorated things. The southern charm things. I love all the porches there! My mom and I are staying at a hotel to the west of Charleston about 20 minutes away, and hotel looks normal but I really like hotels too. The one we'll be staying in has a pretty lobby, a pretty outside area in the back, and a snack bar. Lol.

Call me crazy, but I already love Charleston and I've never been before. Call me even crazier, but I want to live there some day. And since I asked my mom if we could go to Charleston two weeks ago, I've been feeling this crazy excitement to go.

Breathtaking

"There once was a community of believers who were so totally devoted to God that their life together was charged with the Spirit's power. In that band of Christ-followers, believers loved each other with a radical kind of love. They took off their masks and shared their lives with one another. They laughed and cried and prayed and sang and served together in authentic Christian fellowship."

"There is nothing like the local church when it's working right. Its beauty is indescribable. Its power is breathtaking. Its potential is unlimited. It comforts the grieving and heals the broken in the context of community. It builds bridges to seekers and offers truth to the confused."

"I understand that it's more than just working with other people, it's doing life deeply with one another as we serve together. And there's a huge difference between the two."

-Courageous Leadership, by Bill Hybles

When you love deeply, you have the potential to hurt deeply. Even if the other person didn't mean to hurt you. (For those who DO mean to hurt you, that's an entirely different story.) When I've felt the most connected to people in the past and lived that kind of life with people, it was the hardest thing to deal with when they moved, got married, etc. and we no longer kept in touch. Logically you can't keep in touch with every person you were ever friends with. But that doesn't make the goodbyes any easier. There have been other people who started out in that close community, but weren't there for me when I needed them, weren't reliable, or weren't honest. Those are also hard blows.

But setting aside all the woes for a minute, I like the descriptions that Hybles gives of the body of Christ. He doesn't gloss over the problems they had - everyone has them. But overall they came back together.

There are some people I know right now, even if we aren't in close communication on a regular basis, that I intended on keeping in touch with for my whole life. The seasons of our friendships might look different if we are busy, single vs married, kids, moving, etc. But God willing, I hope that some of these people will be at my 90th birthday party. Ok, maybe not too many of the guys since they tend to die first, but maybe I'll be at their 90th birthday party. Maybe my kids will marry their kids and we'll be family by marriage. Maybe we'll all be at the same retirement communities together. (I hate bingo. I will forever hate bingo. We can play something else.) And then of course, we'll be in heaven forever.

Back to the present. The process of getting there doesn't happen by accident. No, it takes time, intentionality (which isn't a word?? but I'm leaving that there anyways), going through good times and bad times, communicating, doing a lot of things together, being honest and open, and more. You can try to drag someone into community, but it won't work. They have to be willing. Isn't it ironic that sometimes when life is difficult, instead of going to the people you're closest to, you withdraw? It doesn't make much sense. And maybe not everybody is that way. I'm not always that way... but sometimes I am.

And that concludes my thoughts and late night ramblings on the people I love.

Truths

Truths

-God's timing is perfect
-His plan is perfect
-He is not wasting my time at wherever I am in life
-His will is more important than mine
-God's Kingdom advancing is more important than my happiness
-Life is so short no matter how big anything feels
-Sometimes God says no because He has something better for me. Other times He is just saying, "Not yet." Either way, He is right to do so even when it hurts.
-Just because I don't hear anything from Him, doesn't mean He isn't working
-Someone's heart being changed isn't always visible or able to be measured, but prayer is still required
-Even on the worst days of work, if someone sees Jesus in me through my actions, my words, my silence, or my demeanor, then it was a successful day in His book
-If it is a God-given desire, just because it hasn't been met yet doesn't mean that I am wrong for wanting it
-Prayer is more important than I understand
-God's hand is even in the smallest of details. Nothing is "too small" to pray about.
-It is not simply called "self-control" as if I am required to muster up more of it. It is truly Holy Spirit infused self-control. I must seek more of God to require more self-control.
-I won't understand everything in life. God won't always reveal a purpose for things.
-Who I am on the inside is more important than how I look on the outside. We'll all be old and ugly some day!
-God knows how we feel even when words can't describe it
-Worrying about what might happen, could happen, or might be happening right now but we aren't sure of it, is a waste of time and lies from satan. To fear something we don't even know is happening or might happen is stupid. Daydreaming and dwelling on it also doesn't help.
-God wins in the end.
-People who don't know Him aren't the enemy, but they are being held captive by the enemy
-People who don't know Him aren't supposed to live a life like mine, so I can't be surprised when they don't
-I am not perfect, and can't beat myself up all the time when I mess up
-Nobody is perfect. Knowing that and loving with forbearance is important.
-"If satan can't make you bad, he'll make you busy."
-Scripture trumps feelings
-God gives us a peace that the world cannot give
-It matters more than I am right with God than if humans approve of it
-Some day, heaven is going to be awesome
-Until then, we are to be about our Father's business
-Momentary pleasure is not worth the long term consequences
-When we've lost our joy, it is to be found again in the silence of sitting before the Lord

What a week.

It's such a weird phenomenon how you want something to change in your life, but then don't start the steps of getting to that change. It might be that there are 500 steps in between and that just seems too daunting. It might be that you don't even know what the first step is. It might be that you don't have enough self-control to do it. It might be that there are 15 areas of life that you want to change, and that seems like too much, so you don't do any of it.

For example, I want to lose weight. Which means I should eat better, and probably work out. But I don't have enough money to go to the gym. So I could walk on the treadmill at my house. But I haven't. And I should stop eating so much sweet stuff, and fast food at work - I should bring healthy foods from home. But I haven't.

I want to use my time better, so that I get more things done that need to be done, including things I WANT to do. So I should stop being on the internet so much, and stop taking random naps when I don't really need them. I should make lists of things that need to get done and put them on certain days so that I actually do them, instead of running out of clean socks or letting my oil change get 1,000 miles overdue. But I haven't. I should go to bed at a decent time every night so I get enough sleep, and that might help me not want to take naps, as well as get up easier in the mornings. But I don't. I should plan my days off better - do the things that need to be done on those days, and not waste them. I do that pretty well, but not always.

Not to mention spiritual disciplines! I do pretty well with prayer, decent with scripture but could improve, pretty good with serving and tithing, etc. And then I want to have someone mentoring me, and for me to be mentoring someone else. As well as keep up friendships, time with them, and doing things for them.

Work has been a dramatic reality TV show recently. People have been lazy, picking favorites, angry, playing the blame game on things that didn't even happen, gossiping... It's tiring. On top of having to treat every customer like a ticking time bomb, expecting them all to explode at any moment, having to be over the top nice to them because they're all angry at the world which means they get all angry at us.

And oh, the matters of the heart! How to diminish sin, how to control your anger, how to gain self-control, how to speak carefully, how to let go of what God has said no to, how to ignore a desire that is deeply burning within you every single day with no end in sight!

There are so many facets of life to juggle, so many factors that play into the grand scheme of things, and sometimes when one Christmas light goes out, the rest of them go out because they're all connected. Suddenly you're a tangled mess of burned out Christmas lights. And you're like, "I'm pretty sure everybody is a burned out, tangled mess. There's no way anybody can have their life all together."

Yes, I'm ending this post on a depressing note. Because I have to go to bible study now. Part two later.

Roller Coaster

Life is weird. It just is. It's like a roller coaster you can't get off of, even if you yell at the person running the whole thing. No, there's no stopping it.

Sometimes you're on top of the world, and your heart just couldn't hold any more love and happiness. Sometimes you think things are on the right track, things are going well, and you grasp to hold on to the beautiful times. Sometimes you laugh til you cry, you enjoy the silence on a lake in the middle of nowhere, you hug someone important to you and don't want to let go, and you look forward to something coming up in life.

And inevitably, there's the part of the roller coaster that makes your stomach drop. Jealousy rears it's ugly head, fear and anger show no mercy, and hopelessness creeps in. Sometimes you feel stupid for having hope in something that maybe God didn't want for you. Sometimes you just hurt, and you can't make it stop. Sometimes all you want to do is sleep, and forget everything else.

And sometimes, in between those highs and lows, are the days where nothing happen. It's ordinary. "How was work?" "Fine." "How was bible study?" "Fine." "How was your week?" "Fine." Isn't fine better than bad though? Or is fine just a cover-up for bad? Is fine the answer you give when you don't really want to talk about what is bothering you? Sometimes fine means you don't dare to hope for something better, because your high expectations will lead to devastating lows when it doesn't happen.

Quick fixes that don't work

Quick fixes that don't work:

-Using the water from your windshield wipers to clean you car
-Drinking coffee when what you really need is more sleep
-Running from problems instead of dealing with them
-Praying briefly during your busy day instead of spending real time with God
-Putting a band-aid on something that needs real stitches
-Spraying Febreeze on clothes instead of washing them
-Drinking anything other than water when you're dehydrated
-Reading cliff notes instead of reading an entire book for a test

The list could go on. Sometimes we can allow for quick fixes temporarily, but will eventually need to get to the root of things.

It's that time again

It's 2 AM and I'm writing this post on my phone. I've spent a lot of time in the Word tonight, in Exodus and 1 Thessalonians, but I'm still full of stress and sadness and stupid fears. So it's time to write about what's good again, to change my perspective, to stop looking down at my feet and look up at the sky. 

Things that are good in my life: 

-I like having time at night to have dinner with friends or family, to go to events and not have to ask off as much, and still be able to have breakfast with people every now and then.

-My boss Danielle. She's great. I'm so thankful for her. She cares about us, asks us how our lives are, and makes me laugh. 

-I'm thankful for my parents. They're great. 

-I am enjoying meeting with my friend Joy every week, even though the hour seems too short! 

-I am thankful for my church. I love our building that we've been in for a few months, love the worship, the sermons, the people, and more. 

-I'm thankful for my friends Bryan and Lee Ann, and that I get to see them so often. I'm thankful for their hugs, their listening ears, their sacrifice of their time and house, and their wisdom.

-I love the times when we play board games with friends, eat dinner, or just sit and talk. 

-I'm thankful for the people in my life that are always there for me. 

-There are things in my life that a year and a half ago or two were huge problems, that are no longer there or are very minor! I'm thankful for the Lord's hand in that. 

These words that I've liked

There have been a few words or phrases that have really caught my attention over the past few weeks. I wrote them down when I heard them in sermons or read them in scripture.

"An exposed heart." My friend Nick said it in a sermon about James a few weeks ago. That concept is both beautiful and painful. You know what's easier? Not sharing your heart. Not being honest about what you think or how you feel or what you want. It's easier because then you don't get hurt. When your heart is exposed, you can connect with people better, but it also leaves you open for people to judge you, make fun of you, act as if your thoughts and feelings are invalid, or just reject you. If someone doesn't know you well and they don't like you, it's easier to blow that off. But if someone knows you really well and you've been vulnerable with them, it hurts more because they know who you are and they don't like it. Or at least that's how it feels. I appreciate people with exposed hearts. It's what I look for in other people. But I'm aware of the pain that goes with it.

"Unstained by the world." This was in James as well, in the specific translation that my pastor, Brad, was using today. At the end of 1:27 the NLT version reads, "refusing to let the world corrupt you," and whatever version he had said "unstained by the world." Let me tell you - living in the world is like wearing a white t-shirt and holding a toddler who's eating spaghetti, as you are walking through a field of mud trying not to fall down. I think we DO get stained by the world, and then we have Jesus to make us clean again. But the key is going to the laundry mat to get that done! If you're leaving the stains on, continuing to do the same things over and over again without repenting, that's when the deeper stains and corruptions come in. Yes, you can still be washed by his blood. But it is harder. It takes longer. Addictions become hard to break, hearts take longer to heal, and the consequences are rougher.

"Sin that entangles you." This was also brought up today in the sermon about James. When I think about the word "entangle" I think of thorny weeds that have a hold on my leg, and when I move it cuts me and I can't get out. Probably because it happened to me in real life. I was 5 and I was in the woods where I wasn't supposed to be during recess. I snuck back there with some friends, but when we heard the whistle blow to go back inside, some weeds were somehow wrapped around my leg and I had a dress on. It cut my leg, so the teacher knew I had been in the woods. Kind of like how you think you can keep getting away with sin and nobody will notice until it starts to mark up your life, or you get caught, and the evidence can't be hidden. It entangles you, and it hurts. It's usually messy and complicated. And it holds you back from being free in Jesus. So how do you stay away from sin that entangles you? Always be fighting it, always be fleeing from it, never back down on your boundaries, never think that it's ok to do something wrong once as if it only counts the 100th time.

"You surround them with your shield of love." This is from Psalms 5:12. "You" being God. "Them" being the godly which is said earlier in the verse. I love how God is so often described as a shield, a refuge, a stronghold, a shelter, and a fortress. I know God protects people from danger, from bad circumstances, from satan, from fears, from sin, and more. And even during the times when those things get to us, we are NEVER separated from God's love and obviously from God himself, who lives in us! I've heard the saying that all things that happen to us pass through His hand first. It's true because He knows what's going to happen to us, and if He didn't want something to happen, He could stop it. We can always find peace and stability in God. He is always on our side.

Beautiful

Beautiful.

Sunsets, rainbows, clouds, flowers, views from the top of the mountains, snow, bonfires, giant mountains, the ocean, bright fall leaves.

Fancy houses and buildings, bookstores, cool looking stairs, cool looking doors, cabins, art, certain clothes.

Scripture, encouraging letters / notes, quotes, stories, love, friendship, compliments, surprises, presents, music, pictures, prayer, laughter, quiet time with God.  

A friend smiling at you, babies, hugs, coffee, holding hands, knowing someone deeply, chocolate, good books, your own bed, playing games, traveling, family, seeing someone you've missed so much, a marriage that furthers the Kingdom.

Stories of God's perfect timing

We read books in the bible and say, "Yeah! That's awesome!" and then we think, "But will He do that for me too?" And maybe it isn't even that distinct thought because in comes the battle of, "Of course He will," but the feeling itself still lingers. The battle between the truths and the lies, the head and the heart, and thoughts and the feelings.

"We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments." - 2 Corinthians 10:3-4

But the stories aren't just in the bible. They're here, now, too.

To protect those in the story, I won't use their real names. So let's use some old people's names just to make it fun. :-) Unless it's me, then it's just me!

My friend Mildred was engaged to a guy named Raymond. I didn't know him well, but never thought they really went together, and I didn't really like him. About a month after they were engaged, Raymond did some stupid things and Mildred realized they should not get married. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was sad stuff. Shortly after, she started dating her friend Donald, who she'd been friends with for about 2 years and neither of them had liked each other before. They dated for a while, got engaged, and got married, and they are SO great for each other. Even in Mildred's start down the wrong path, God got her off of it. God can bring two people together if they're supposed to be together.

I was on a flight from Atlanta to Seattle, with a layover in LAX. Of all the flights I could have chosen with different layovers and different times, and with all the people on the plane, I sat next to a woman who ended up knowing someone I knew!! She had just started a new job and would be working with one of my friends, and had only recently met her! What a crazy cool thing. Huge odds don't interfere with God's plans.

Eleanor and her brother Benjamin came home from school one day and they were old enough to stay home alone. They walked in, and noticed things were thrown all over the place - someone had broken in. They immediately left the house and called the police. The police came and began to search the house, opening all the doors and looking everywhere just in case. They had missed one closet. When they turned away, a man with a gun ran out of the closet and ran out the front door! Had they opened that closet, the guy might have shot him. Thankfully Eleanor and Benjamin also didn't stay in the house! Another example of God's timing!

My friend Inez went through a crazy life experience that just broke her heart in the worst of ways. She deleted all of her social media, and shut down from the world. I wanted to reach out to her, but her mom said she didn't want to talk to anybody. A few months later, I was driving down the road praying for Inez after I left work at Starbucks. I had just finished drinking coffee. On my drive home, I had this huge urge to get more coffee at the Starbucks on the way home. "But that doesn't make ANY sense - I just drank coffee." But I felt like I HAD to have more. So I pulled into the Starbucks and when I walked inside, there was Inez sitting at a table by herself!! After I had just been praying for her! And I knew that the urge to get coffee again was actually God wanting me to go there and see her! I sat down with her and we talked for a long time. God can speak loudly when He wants to, and can choose any way to do it, even when it's kind of confusing!

I hope when I'm married...

We're in a relationship series with bible study right now, and tonight was about dating and marriage. So excuse me for a moment while I talk about what I hope my future marriage looks like. 

I hope we play games together. Video games, card games, board games. Just us two, or with friends. On the same team or opposing. I hope we go cool new places together, and travel places (that aren't too expensive) like cabins in the mountains, Savannah Georgia, Islands of Adventure, stay in a real tree house overnight somewhere, and fun new places in Atlanta. I hope that we read books together so we can talk about them and learn new things together. I hope we have friends over for parties at holidays and birthdays or random Friday nights, and also invite single people over because we won't exclude them. I hope we still go on dates when we're married, and sit in coffee shops together. I hope we go on marriage retreats together. I hope we laugh until we cry, we take a million pictures of our lives but don't have to share them with everybody on social media, and we can tell each other jokes. I hope we will still hand write letters to each other after we're married. 

I hope we serve the Lord together, both in church and outside of church. I hope we can make meals for people who just had a baby or just came home from the hospital, and give them gift cards and and bring them things they need. I hope we go on mission trips together, in the US and overseas. I hope we help with all ages of the church at some point in life - elementary school kids, middle schoolers, high schoolers, college age, young singles, young married couples and more. I hope we always receive and seek out great advice and knowledge from those older and farther along in life than us, and then continuously pour that back out to others. I hope we read the same books of the bible at times (but not always), and study them together, and bring our different thoughts and perspectives to the table. I hope we further the Kingdom of God more together than we did apart. I hope we can hold each other accountable to things, help each other reach goals together, and fight the battles of life together. 

I hope that we communicate well, and argue well. I hope we apologize well and become more selfless. I hope that we can always encourage each other, and that he learns to lead well and I learn to follow well. I hope that we can give each other constructive criticism when needed. I hope I can learn to show him love the best with his love language, and that he will learn to love me the best based on mine, even if they are different. 

I hope that some day I read this again when I've been married for a few years and say, "Yes! I'm so glad this actually happened." 

The good things in my life

Perspective is important. Seeking out what is good in your life is important. Talking about the good stuff more than the bad stuff is important. So here is what is good in my life right now.

My church, Vertical Life Church, is in a new building, and it's so great! It already feels like "home." Starting next week we will have a Wednesday night dinner every 6 weeks, and have 5 weeks of a class on Wednesday night. The first one will be about how to study the bible, and I'm excited about it! I look forward to learning more, and hopefully getting to spend time with more people in the church than those I already know. The music is always good on Sunday mornings, the sermons are always great, and I enjoy getting to talk to people before and after instead of having to help take things down like we did at the elementary school we were previously meeting in.

Bible study has been good. I have been with the same bible study for 5 and a half years. I have learned more about the bible, as well as more about myself through being on leadership. I have learned in the past year that I enjoy planning, but am not good at planning with other people or letting other people take the lead because I'm nervous that they will forget something or not get something done. I have learned that I see a lot of details in things, and therefore it gives me anxiety, so it's both a gift and a curse. I've learned that I do better planning with one or two other people, like for small groups. I've learned that I like to do things as soon as possible so that there is time to prepare, let people plan things in their schedule, and so that I don't forget.... but not everybody is like that. I've learned that I want to talk to everybody in the room on Thursday nights, but sometimes I can't, and that even if I did, the conversations might be too short to have done much good. I've learned that it's not my fault if someone stops coming, as if I didn't try hard enough to include them or love them, because sometimes they need to put effort forth too and they didn't, or it's a different reason entirely.

I have some great people in my life right now, people who enrich my life greatly. They have different perspectives and gifts and talents that they share with me, and I with them. They give input and opinions an advice into my life. They challenge me, help me grow, and inspire me to be a better person. We play games, talk about God, serve together, and learn together.

I'm reading some good books right now, there are new songs and albums I'm loving on spotify, and I've got some good tv shows I'm watching. Cadburry eggs are out and I love them.

My relationship with God has been going well. I have been spending a lot more time in prayer - some of it I type out - and have been hearing Him more. I have memorizing scripture for the first time. I have some memorized because I've read it so much, or I can summarize it but not quote it, or I know it from learning it as a song when I was little.

I have moved my work schedule to mostly 10-6. It's been good, but my sleep schedule has not caught up yet!! It frees up my nights to go to events without having to ask off from work (like a worship night, birthday parties, bonfire nights, Wednesday night classes at church, etc), and I can now have dinner with people that I couldn't before because of their work schedule. And 10:00 is still late enough that if someone wanted to get breakfast, I could have an early breakfast with someone. At work I spend half my shift with the morning people, and half of it with the night people, instead of 8 hours with the same people. That's nice too. It's less dishes. It's more floating from place to place to cover people's breaks, instead of being stuck in one place for the entire time.

Thankful

Things I've been thankful for lately...

-There hasn't been much drama at work recently. There's a calm in the storm.
-I'm thankful for my boss and friend, Danielle
-It's been so nice having two of my friends, Jessica and Jonah, be at Starbucks almost every day, to talk to them on my breaks and get to know them more
-I wasn't at my church on Sunday, VLC, because I went somewhere else, and I really missed VLC. I missed being there. I'm so glad that we have a building now instead of meeting at an elementary school
-I'm thankful for the people at VLC and bible study
-I'm thankful for my pastor, Brad, and his good sermons
-Settlers of Catan. It's a fun game, and I enjoy when I get time to play games with friends
-I've been around a lot of people at work and church who have been sick, really sick, and I've managed not to be sick yet!! I've usually had a round of sickness by now - I usually lose my voice every fall, and I didn't!
-The fact that we can have constant communication with God!

Middle school: the terrible years

(Things in bold are my comments now.)


April 2001 - 7th grade

In 5 years from now…

I’ll be 17, almost 18. I’ll be in my last year of High School. I will be driving and hopefully have my own car. I will be looking for a college. I will have dated a lot, and kissed some. (Nope, neither by 18.) Chris will be 13. Hopefully I’ll still be friends with Sara Volkodav. (We were best friends from 2nd -9th grade, but were only acquaintances by 18.) I will enjoy everything at home and with my family, and at church and at youth group. Because if I go to a college where I live there, I’d never live at home again, (Well, I'm living at home now.) and never do goofy games and fun activities in youth group.

In 10 years from now…

I’ll be 22, almost 23. I’ll probably be almost getting my bachelor’s degree in collage. I’ll be close to becoming a teacher. (Yes... but then not teach.) Chris will be 18, and will be in his last year of high school. Mom and Dad will be 50. (Ha, ha, ha!) I’ll be maybe thinking about someone to marry – but then again as slow as I am now with stuff like that, I may not even be close. (Well. Called that one.)

In 15 years from now…

I’ll be 27, and be finished with school. I’ll have my own house in Georgia, (Nope) where I can still go to Mars Hill Presbyterian Church. (Thankfully no) Chris will be 23, and in college hopefully. (He was, but not anymore.) Mom and Dad will be 55. I will be a 2nd or 3rd grade teacher, (I'm not) and I’ll have a great group of kids, and be having lots of fun. I’ll be getting close to getting married if I haven’t already. (I'm not married. Not close either.)

In 20 years from now…

I’ll be 32! I’ll be married, and possibly have one kid. (I really hope it’s a cute girl.) I’ll still be teaching. (I won't be.)  Hopefully I’ll still be living in Georgia. (I don't really care if I am or not.) Chris will be 28, probably married, maybe almost with a kid. Mom and Dad will be 60 and probably grandparents. Dave and Dad will do my wedding and I’ll have a cute little flower girl. (Lol, Dave was my youth pastor who ended up going into the military. He won't be doing my wedding.) I will read back at this when I’m 17, 23, and 27 and laugh probably at how different it is. (Yep, got that right.) Oh, and here’s how I want my house: with 2 stories, and bright painted walls. Well, whatever I do, and wherever I am in 20 years, I know the Lord will be in control. (That He is!)

March 2002 - 8th grade

Only Me

“Get with partners,
No more than three.”
But I have no partner
It’s only me.
 
They sit there and talk
About everything they own
And everything in the world
While I sit alone.
 
I’m invisible,
All day
Unnoticed.
Not a single word I say.
 
Sometimes I feel
Like I’m watching TV,
I watch and listen
But I don’t act I just see.
 
I’m running out of patience
There’s something I want to be
Something different, but
It’s only me.
 

 
Invisible

Sometimes I look in the mirror

To make sure I’m still there
Sometimes I feel invisible
It’s not fair.
 
Someday I want to be important
Be known and be seen
And not have to be known for something like
Dying my hair green.
 
I wonder what it’s like to be
Someone who’s always “there.”
I am always invisible
It’s not fair.
 
Do you have any idea
How much it can hurt?
Of course you don’t,
You’re not treated like dirt.
 
How long will this go on?
Maybe 100 years.
I wonder if by then
I will run out of tears.

 

Journaling

I have journaled since I was 7, but more regularly starting when I was 10. And it's all hand written. I'm talking like once a week. So I have SO many journals... and it's time I type them up and save them to my external hard drive, and somewhere in a cloud in case my hard drive were to die one day. Maybe I'll throw some of them away after I type it up, to give me more space in my room. But overall, it's time I look back at what God has done in my life. The things He taught me that I may have already forgotten. I want to see what I prayed for, and how God answered that. I want to look at the uncomfortable parts of my life and say, "THANK YOU GOD those are over."

I decided to do this, and have been procrastinating. Tonight I went to look for my journals starting from 6th grade and I can't find them. Lol. That's how many I have, and they are in many different parts of my room because they don't all fit in one place. In 2007, I went through all of my middle school journals and typed up most of the good stuff (unless there were big chunks of it, like a whole trip that was good that I'd keep), and then threw away those journals, including a lot of the bad stuff. I can't believe it's already been 9 years since I did that!!

One thing that is weird though - since about August of 2015, 5 and a half months now, I've only written about 4 times. I'm not sure why. I used to have the deep need to write down lengthy conversations I had with people, feelings, events, anger, frustrations, prayers, things that made me happy... That after about two weeks I'd HAVE to write. Like life couldn't go on without it. So to only have written about 4 times since August... I don't know what's up with that. I've obviously still written on my blog, written to friends, and taken a lot of pictures that captured things that happened in life.

Over time, as I type up these journals, I'm going to post some things on this blog about it.

Praying

I was thinking back to what I was praying for fiercely last year at this time... and some of it is exactly the same thing I'm praying for fiercely now. And I thought, well what good was that? I didn't see any results from that time last year, or from praying about it during all of 2015. But it's hard to say that a time of prayer is unfruitful, because it could have just been fruit I didn't see. It could have been something that God did in my own heart that changed, or even in other people's hearts that I didn't see. It could have protected me from bad situations or circumstances or choices. It could have helped things go smoothly or beautifully or peacefully, that I was unaware that those things were the outcomes of my prayers.

And so, round two. Or three. Or ten. I heard the bell ding, sounding off for the fight to begin, and I just want to sit down and stop for a breath. And by that I mean I want to not turn on my phone or computer for a week, not go to work, and stay in my room for a week, with nothing to do but read Christian non-fiction, read the bible, and pray. Because my goodness, there's a war out there. Between me, my friends, and my family, there's some craziness going on that needs some serious prayer. On top of that, there's some craziness going on in my heart and head that also needs some serious prayer. My room is like a bomb shelter, and I just want to stay here. But I also feel like praying has been a fight. I come day after day to pray, to listen, to let go. But I feel like I can't pray enough. I'm saying the same things over and over again, and saying, "God! This is so important! How can I say it in a different way? It's heavy on my heart. It's weighing on my mind. It's deep in my bones. It's constantly in my thoughts. It's consistently fighting to dominate my emotions. Please, do something."

I have two things that I've prayed for as long a I can remember, and that I will pray for the rest of my life until God answers it or takes away that desire completely. But recently two more have arose. And they have equally become something I want to pray for until God answers, even if that means the next 10 years.

I imagine God sitting on this huge, golden, sparkling throne, with Jesus sitting at the one on His right hand side, and I'm all like, "Hey! Mind if I pull up my camping chair?" So I awkwardly unfold a chair that looks like it has been overused and might be slightly off balance where you can shift your weight and the chairs moves back and forth, and plop down to have a conversation. And I tell Him what's on my heart, and wait for a response. And sometimes I imagine someone I'm praying for walking up with their camping chair and putting it next to mine and saying, "Hey! What's up! What are you praying about?" "You!" and then having them join in with me to talk to God about the same thing.

It takes time

I just posted a post before this one, describing the book I just got. Go read that one first. 

I'm only on page 47 right now, but it's good so far. 

"It takes time to grow into Jesus the Vine; do not expect to abide in Him unless you will give Him that time. It is not enough to read God's Word, and when we think we have hold of the thoughts and have asked God for His blessing, to go out in the hope that the blessing will abide. No, it requires day-by-day time with Jesus and with God." 

"You did well to come; you do better to abide. Who would, after seeking the King's palace, be content to stand in the door, when he is invited in to dwell in the King's presence and share with Him in all the glory of His royal life? Oh, let us enter in and abide and enjoy to the full all the rich supply His wondrous love has prepared for us!" 

I was driving down the road the other day, thinking about how frustrated I was by feeling like I rarely heard God say yes, or no, or later... and wondered how anybody was ever sure of what God said. I thought, how simple that is, right, to hear a yes, a no, or a later? And then I thought oh... maybe I am boxing God in. Maybe those answers are too simple. Maybe God says no to getting a specific job, but in the process of going through the interviews I end up meeting someone who helps me get a different job? That had I known God said no before, I wouldn't have even tried to go to the interview? And to the things I'm asking God "why" about, not just the answer of yes or no, do I expect it to be so basic and clear but it's really far more complex? 

Like, "God, I know you don't want me to go to Kenya again this year, I can tell, but... why?" The answers could be unlimited. He could say, "The next time you go to Africa, I want it to be with your future husband." or "You're about to get a job that wouldn't let you go to Kenya this year, and I didn't want you to get your hopes up. But you'll go again some day." or "I have so much for you to do here right now, during the time that the others are going to Kenya. It's just not the right time." 

When Murray said it takes time to grow with Jesus, it's so true. If I only come to God with requests, and not also coming to just seek God Himself, then I may not hear so well. And just being in His presence and learning more about Him instead of constantly asking for specific things or asking, "But why?" is something I need to work on. Like that phase kids go through... "It's time for bed." "Why?" "Because you need to sleep." "Why?" "So that you can wake up well tomorrow and feel all better." "Why?" "Because God made us that way!!" "Why?" ......... I don't want to be "that kid" to God. 

This big, ugly, fantastic book

I went to Lifeway Christian Bookstore the other day, and usually I end up having to stop looking because I can't buy any more, and if I look anymore then I will just buy more. I didn't go in looking for anything specific, but as I began to look, I was really unsatisfied with everything I saw. I also read Kyle Idleman's newest book called, "The End of Me" about the sermon on the mount, how everything the world says is the opposite of what Jesus says we should be. But I struggled to finish it, because it was predictable for me. As I looked at the books in Lifeway, I could look at most of the titles and know what they were about. How to not be too busy. How important it is to rest on the sabbath. How to manage your money in a Godly way. How to be a good mom/ wife. The importance of loving people. The importance of church. The importance of reading the bible. It's like... I get it, I know how I'm supposed to live and what I'm supposed to do, it's just the matter of doing it. And I'm tired of reading books about it.

I was somewhat sad, because how do you find books that are good then, if you don't want to read predictable Christian non-fiction? I walked over to the "Classics" section, which is really tiny, and the books are mostly facing out because that takes up more space than having them all lined up by the spine. There was a huge, ugly, brown book sitting there, but I know I've heard the name Andrew Murray before, so I picked it up. First I checked the price - only $30 - and it was 7 books in one. It said, "Collected Works on Prayer," on it. The books were titled "Abide in Christ, The Prayer Life, Waiting on God, With Christ in the School of Prayer, The Ministry of Intercession, The Secret of Intercession, and Prayer Guide." 925 pages.

Listen, I've read all the Harry Potter books, Twlight, Hunger Games, and Divergent books. Some of them were HUGE, especially the later Harry Potter books, so 925 pages sounds long, but if I can read all those other books, then this is not too big.

Anyways, when I read those titles I was like, "YES. THIS ONE." Because I have thought, "What does it really mean to abide in Christ?" And I don't know much about intercessory prayer, or what that really means. The cashier joked, "Oh, doing some light reading?" So now I have this big, ugly book sitting on my bookshelf, and I'm stoked to read it.

I've started reading it. But you know what else has happened since I got it? I've fallen asleep when I could have been reading it. I've wasted too much time on the internet. The other night I was looking at something on imdb and decided I wanted to rate every movie and tv show I have ever watched that I could ever remember. It took me a few hours, and then I wasn't finished but I had to go to bed. What the heck. It's my flesh fighting against my desire for the Lord. It's annoying. What is it about humans that makes us want the Lord, but let ourselves be so distracted as well?

It's a vicious cycle - to have the fruit of the spirit, which includes patience and self-control, you have to be actively IN the spirit. So when you want it but don't have it, you have to have it to go get more of it. Or something.