Well, there's that.

In one of my Infant to Preschool classes in college, we learned that as a toddler starts to be able to "think," they learn things in "boxes." They compare new information to old information. For example, if they have a dog and are familiar with the dog, but they go to another person's house and they have a cat, they think it's a dog because it's similar. And when the cat doesn't do the same thing the dog does, the toddler is confused. "Wait, this dog doesn't fit in the same 'box' as my 'dog box.'" As they get older then they create new boxes, so they recognize the difference between cats and dogs. It's the time of life when they think all women are called mom, all men are called dad, and all stores are just called "store." Things are simple, and all things fit into one category. All liquids are called juice or milk, all vehicles are just called cars (including planes in the sky or bikes sometimes), and when something doesn't fit into a box, they just walk away. Or cry. There's just not enough brain capacity to sort new info sometimes.

At 27, I thought I was done making new boxes in my brain.

I have all these categories and boxes and folders and subfolders in my brain that fit people, experiences, emotions, things... Those folders all sort of have general (or specific) rules for me (and I suppose most people if they think about it). For example, there's a category of guys I would never ever date (for reasons such as they aren't a Christian, they're in the military, etc) that are non-negotiable. Based on that, I only have a certain depth of conversations with them and know what topics are off limit, spend short amounts of time with them, etc. Another category would be "how to deal with my anger." There are somewhat different tactics for different people or places. When it's at work and a customer makes me mad, I get away as quickly as possible - physically I walk to the back or get busy elsewhere so I don't have to deal with them anymore. Then I remind myself that it was only a short interaction out of my whole day, and that I can't let that one person make me stay angry. If it's a coworker then I think, "Is this a big enough deal to talk to them about it? Or can I just let it go? Are they just having a bad day? Am I just over-reacting?" and then go from there.

So when suddenly I come across something that doesn't fit in any previous category or subfolder in my brain, I'm like, "Wait a second. Are you telling me this thing gets its OWN NEW FOLDER? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS." It's own experiences, emotions, and rules? Because I've been trying to fit it into all the other categories I can think of and it's not WORKING. So when I go about my normal rules and tactics for what I thought this thing fit in, and it DOESN'T work, I'm like, "Well what the heck? I've forever and always dealt with this in 'this' way and I'm supposed to figure out a whole new set of ways to deal with this? Are you kidding me?" So I'm feeling like that toddler who's brain doesn't really understand the inability to fit it into a previous category. I just cry. Or want to leave.

So I'm constantly in this battle to figure out what new rules apply, what conversations to have, what to do with my emotions, what guard rails to put up, when to run the other way... And I'm exhausted. And what boggles me even more is that I'll use what previous things I've done before, but get a totally different outcome. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome," is how the quote goes, but now I'm thinking, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting the same outcome, but one day getting a different one."

All I can do is pray that God guides me, but I'm still feeling lost.

Breathe in, breathe out

Breathe in, breathe out.

A slow start,

A hesitant art -  
I resisted as long as I could.
But wouldn’t you know I would
Not be able to hide away
Because at the end of the day
We’re both on this train
Through the sunshine and rain,
And it’s either going to a great destination
Or a train wreck with complications.
 
Breathe in, breathe out.
 
It’s like leaving chocolate out and saying don’t eat,
Like asking me to dance without using my feet,
Like flying to a foreign country and saying stay on the plane,
Or getting a tattoo and joking that I shouldn’t feel the pain.
Oh, but I can’t.
 
It’s beautiful and painful,
Challenging and delightful,
Confusing and crystal clear,
Hopeful and hopeless.
I’m on the edge of my seat
But I’m hiding
I’m running forwards
And I’m running away.
I’m pretending not to care
But caring with all my heart.
 
Breathe in, breathe out.
 
Have I lost my mind?
Am I blind?
Am I wasting my time and words?
Is all of this absurd?
Will this just be another frustrating story?
Or is this something that will bring Him glory?
 
In the middle of the whirlwind God gives me peace
Because His plan is better than mine and I am His masterpiece,
Ready for the moment when the picture He paints is clear.
So I choose not to fear.
What lies ahead is in God’s hands.
Whether I’m in the battle or in the stands,
Standing in darkness or standing in light,
I will not give up this fight
Of seeking His will.
 
When I breathe in, and breathe out,
I will have no doubt
That He is with me every step of the way.
So let’s go seize the day.