The battle

The battle between desire and trying to give that up to God is a battle that rages fiercely. To constantly pray that my heart is aligned with His, that my desires are only what He wants me to have, and that all else falls away, but then for my heart not to change is something I don't understand. There are days when I just don't want to think about it - I just want to read books and watch TV so I don't have to think about it or feel it. You'd think work would be busy enough to keep my mind occupied, but it's not always. "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" That quote used to haunt me, because I knew that I used to talk about my desires and things I wanted far more than I prayed about it, but now it is the absolute opposite. Sure, I'll still talk about it sometimes, but now I've prayed about it so much more than I have talked about it. By hours upon hours. I am that persistent neighbor knocking on the door from the parable in the bible. One day when I get to heaven God will probably say, "Well, persistence is something you did not lack in your prayers. You stood before me asking me the same thing for years."

This morning in church, our pastor talked about how the example of Elijah praying for rain in James was used as an example because "The picture of rain pouring out of heaven onto desperately dry ground is a perfect illustration of God's outpouring of spiritual healing and restoration into the desperate souls of the spiritually broken." Elijah prayed several times for the rain to come. He kept sending someone to go look for clouds, and none were coming. He kept praying. And finally there was a distant cloud.

As a child, we have different desires than we do as adults. Getting a barbie doll was hugely important to me. (So was books, but I still like those!) Today, I have the money and ability to buy as many barbies as I want, but of course I don't want them. I often pray that if God will not fill a desire in my life, that He will literally take it away in that same sense. That I literally will not want it anymore. He has done it before in the past for specific things, but others He has not. Sometimes it was an immediate change in my heart, and other times it took a few years. Others still remain.

I feel like it's the same ache as being hungry. But I can't go eat. It's the same ache as needing Aloe Vera on sunburned skin, but I can't find any aloe. It's not this minor annoyance that can be subsided with some Tylenol or a band aid. At the same time, there are people around me who get their desires filled, the same ones I'm praying for, so they're eating feasts around me and using up all the Aloe. And I'm sure they have their own desires and misfortunes in life, but from what I can see, God has filled that desire for them. And not me. I know it is not because He doesn't love me as much. And I know He has a purpose. But that doesn't lessen the pain.