I Can't Find the Key

I want to know what lights you up
What drives your motives 
What breaks your heart. 
I want to know who you love the most
Who drives you crazy 
Who pushes you on. 
I want to know where you call home
Where you long to be 
Where you can't get far enough away from.
I want to know when you figured out your passions 
When you felt the most loved 
When you were most alive. 
I want to know what makes you tick 
What makes you you 
What makes you laugh until you cry. 

But the door is locked. 
I can't find the key. 
I tried to burn the door down
Or break the lock 
But it's standing strong as could be. 
There's only a little window
With a little view 
Of these treasures that I can see inside, 
But sometimes the lights are off
Or the window fogs up,
And I wait patiently for it to clear up. 
The only way this door will open 
Is if you open it from the inside. 

But I don't think you're home. 

There's no footsteps when I ring the doorbell 
No face in the window when I knock
No music playing in another room as I sit against the door and wait. 
Other people have shown up to the door

And sometimes I've stepped back to watch them try to get in

But they have also failed. 

Some keep trying, some have left. 

Well meaning people have told me to leave and I kindly rejected their advice. 

I was sure that if I waited...

But I still don't think you're home. 

So I'm going back to my own house

And I'm locking my door. 

I've taken in the spare key

And turned off the lights. 

If you want to find me 

You'll have to be the one to come knocking on my door. 

I won't be at yours anymore. 

I can't watch one more person try to knock on that door

That I thought would open for me, 

I can't keep knocking until my knuckles are sore

Or stand in the rain anymore. 

I can't keep sticking letters under the door,

Wondering if you actually read them.

But I don't think you'll be knocking on my door. 

I don't expect you to write back

Or wait for me in the rain

Or wait when my window fogs up. 

I don't expect you to care about what makes me tick

Or makes me laugh until I cry. 

There's a time to be hopeful, 

And a time to let hope die. 

It wasn't a time wasted by any means

And I'm not mad. 

I'm just finished knocking on a door of an empty house

Expecting a person to show up and pull me in

And lock the door behind us. 

Never have I ever

Never have I ever...

1. Been asked if I wanted to dance with a guy
2. Stood with the other single girls at a wedding and tried to catch the flowers. I think it's stupid. Someone always calls me out, "Hey! You're single! Go up there!" and I'm always like, "No." That's not something I'll be doing at my wedding.
3. Been on a ferris wheel
4. Cooked bacon or pancakes correctly
5. Opened at Starbucks (they get there at 5 AM. The earliest I've gotten there is 7 AM.)
6. Seen a TON of movies.
7. Liked shopping for shoes
8. Gotten drunk
9. Said a cuss word
10. Used an Uber
11. Shoplifted
12. Been a designated driver
13. Wanted a tattoo
14. Dyed my hair
15. Kissed a guy on a first date
16. Eaten sushi (gross)
17. Been on a cruise (I really want to go!)
18. Been to a major league baseball game (or any other major sporting event)
19. Been able to tread water
20. Been able to change my own tire

I quit

I'm not one to give up or quit something very easily. Persistence, determination, and addiction are in my blood. But I learned in high school that your greatest strengths are often your greatest weaknesses.

It's a strength when I can sit down and edit pictures for hours on end without distraction and I love it. It's a weakness when I watch TV or play a computer game or scroll through facebook and other social media for hours on end.

It's a strength when I love someone with all that I have. It's a weakness when it's not returned but I continue anyways.

It's a strength when I am volunteering, planning, and serving. It's a weakness when I become judgmental of others who don't have the same pace a me, or who come up with good ideas but lack the initiative to put it into action.

It's a strength when I get deep in to studying the bible and just keep going. It's a weakness when I get addicted to some type of junk food and eat too much of it.

It's a strength when I'm working towards achieving a goal. It's a weakness when I get so caught up in whatever I'm doing that I go to bed way too late, don't get enough sleep, or sleep through my alarms the next morning.

So here I am to say: I quit. Ironically, it will take persistence in quitting things for me, not one that comes naturally or quickly, but one where I really have to try hard. I quit binge watching TV or playing computer games. If there's a time when I can play or watch with moderation, cool, but if it starts to get out of hand, I'll cut it all out again. I will quit giving so much love to people who aren't going to return it, because I'm looking for someone who fully returns it. I will quit judging people as much as humanly possible for their lack of speed or lack of planning or lack of following through. I will quit eating so much junk food simply to satisfy my taste buds for the few minutes that I'm eating it. I will quit staying up so late that it affects my sleep or my getting up process.

The weird thing is, short term or in moderation, those things are ok. (Except for the judging part.) They make me happy. They are human nature to do or like. But in the long run they are harmful. In quitting, it's the reverse - I'll be unhappy right now, but hopefully it will pay off in the long run.

TWO words for my 2016

I've never picked a "word for the year," but we're doing it this year at bible study, so I might as well. :-) So I was thinking about it, and knew right away what I wanted to pick. But, just in case, I looked up some online to see if I liked any of them better. Nope. However, it's TWO words, because I need the adjective to make this work right.

2016: Extravagant Love.

If it were just "love," that wouldn't be good enough. Not ordinary love, not conditional love, not behind-the-scenes love.

Specifically...

~Love with my time: spending time with people I love, but also people who really need it. People who need friend time, people who don't have many friends, people who are difficult to love. I also want to use my time to volunteer at church or when people need help.

~Love with my money: I want to give more when I can, to church or to individuals, which means spending less on myself.

~Love with my strengths and talents: doing things for others based on what God has given me.

~Love with my actions: I want to write more letters to people and encourage people more, meet other people's needs when I am able to, and be intentional.

Love that thinks of others first... that lets people sit up front in the car, that helps clean up things when I don't want to, that keeps my mouth shut when I'm about to snap back something rude, and that ultimately brings glory to God. Some people haven't ever been loved with the love of Christ. Some people reject that kind of love, and are confused by it. It's kind of like when it's really dark and you turn the lights and everybody squints and grimaces and says, "Ah! That's so bright!" It's because they've been so used to the dark.

"So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” - John 13:34-35

The sound of a gentle whisper after the storm

In 1 Kings 19, Elijah has just finished up some amazing miracles. But someone named Jezebel threatened to kill him, and Elijah fled.

"Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough, Lord,' he said. 'Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.' (1 Kings 19:4)

He traveled 40 days to Mount Sinai. This was serious business. He was on a mission to get to God.

“But the Lord said to him, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ Elijah replied, ‘I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too.’ ‘Go out and stand before me on the mountain,’ the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.” (1 Kings 19:9-13)

Thankfully, nobody is trying to kill me. But a current day scenario for me is something like this…

There are important things going on in my life. And there was a lot of entertainment to distract me from feeling sad about these things, but the Lord was not in the entertainment. There was a lot of helpful advice and opinions from friends and people who could listen well, but the Lord was not in their opinions. And after all of this, there was the sound of a gentle whisper in the silence. When Facebook and Twitter and music was turned off, when friends were in their own homes, and when it was just me and God. And the background noise of the world seems to be like the static of the radio when you’re going out of range from the station on the way to another state. I’m thankful for social media, games, books, and movies, and I’m thankful for amazing friends and their prayers for me. But to hear from God specifically, all that must be put aside.

Because the thing is, we can talk all day about how our lives should change, our actions and reaction should be different, we should have less road rage, we should love our coworkers better… but unless we get to the heart matters first, those actions won’t stick. Our thoughts are a battlefield. Our emotions seem to be uncontrollable so many times. So when you get your heart right first, your actions will follow. And to get your heart right, you have to spend time with the Lord. Not in a begrudging way, but in a ways that reminds us that this AMAZING God who created all of creation wants to communicate with us, but we miss it a lot! I’ve heard something once that said, “Do you think God would send Jesus to die for you, and then not talk to you very much after that?” No!

So I’m trying to tune out the world for a while. It’s hard. Friends tell me, “You haven’t seen this movie yet?! You have to see it!” or “Did you see ______ on Facebook?!” They come to me with great advice on things that I’m dealing with or things that are on my heart, or just listen to me vent or talk through things, and that is also great, but it will just continue to be my words rambling into space, circumstances unchanging, until I hear from the Lord.

While I’m not really being hunted down to be killed, I am being attacked by satan – a spiritual killing.

Besides specifically asking the Lord for answers or results or circumstances to change, I want to continue to seek HIM and know Him more. This in itself is an adventure that we let fall into routine or a basic chore. It would be like someone saying, “Oh yeah, every week I fly to a different country, explore the place for a while, and then fly to the next country. I’ve done it for a few years now, it’s pretty cool, but it’s pretty normal. It’s just what I do.” No! I would hope that person would constantly be journaling, taking pictures, and be ecstatic about the opportunity to see the world! Daily we get an opportunity to spend time with God, and I hope we get out of the habit of making that sound normal. 

Iron Sharpens Iron

"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." - Proverbs 27:17

Wait a second - that looks painful! There's like fire coming off of that thing! And I've seen it in real life recently, when there was construction done on our new church building, and it's loud. (I didn't take or make that picture - I found it on google and I love it.)

Who doesn't love having someone encourage them, compliment them, and build them up? It is such an important characteristic in life. But I'm not looking for someone who is my biggest fan. I'm looking for someone who will sharpen me AND encourage me, and vice versa. Sharpen, not criticize. Constructive criticism, yes. I don't want someone who agrees with me on every single thing I say, or tries to like every movie and book and CD and article I've ever liked. I want someone who can say, "You know, I don't quite agree with that article -have you ever thought of _____?" or "That's not really my style of music. But if I hear of any other similar artists, I will send them your way!" or even, "I don't think you should be watching that TV show -it has a lot of bad stuff in it." I want someone to say, "So you said you weren't going to play any computer games / video games because they are too addicting and cut into your time with God - how is that going? Have you failed any? How can I pray for you in that?" It means listening to what's hard in someone's life, and then trying to help them through it, or see it with a different perspective. A person can give you a different perspective that totally changes your own, but if they were just to agree with you on everything, you'd miss that.

I once said to a friend, "I realized that whenever I'm around __________, I start talking bad about people, and join in her negativity without realizing it, until later I look back at the conversation and think about how bad it actually was. If you see us talking, and have the chance, will you come over and join in for a minute and see if I'm still doing that? Now that I've told you, I will be aware of what I'm saying when you come over." Holding someone accountable always sounds like a good idea, until you try to practice it, and then it is usually really challenging. Because what if my friend was busy? Or thought, "I don't have time to go monitor their conversation." But she did come over when she saw us talking for more than a few minutes.

It's challenging. It's difficult. I once asked a friend, "What do you see in my that I should change?" and she told me. I knew it was true, and I worked on it. It was hard. Can I say it any other way? It pushed against my selfishness, my pride, my sin. And it changed me. It's like sculpting - you chisel away at a piece of stone or marble, sculpting yourself or allowing others to help - and it's painful, and then it's beautiful. Suddenly you're this smoothed out, awesome looking sculpture, that could only have been achieved by that chiseling away. Of course we are never "complete" until we die, because we always have things to work on.

Now I can't just walk up to anybody and ask them to sharpen me. I can't just hand anybody a chisel and say, "Have at it," because if I don't trust their judgement or feel like they're just saying things to be rude, then they'll actually do more damage than good. Suddenly I'll question what is true, or feel paranoid about things for a few years. Allowing someone's wrong opinion about you to sink in is like letting a few drops of poison into your blood, where the heart pumps it out to the rest of your body. 

"Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works." - Hebrews 10:24

"If you listen to constructive criticism,  you will be at home among the wise." - Proverbs 15:31

When we don't know what to pray...

My brain is full. It's too full. It's overflowing. I wish it would stop. 

I had lunch with my friend Emily today, and we talked for FOUR hours! It was great. But my brain is still full steam ahead. Like what the heck, why can't I have used up my words for the day? I talked to my parents for a while tonight too. It's not just today, it's been all week. I've been around people still... but I feel like something is missing. 

You know those times when you pray one thing, and follow it up with the exact opposite? Not because you are being selfish on one hand and then saying, "But your will be done," but because you don't know what to pray? Like, "Please help me to get this job, I really hope this is the job you want for me. But if it isn't, please help me not to want it. Please help me just be ok with not getting it, and know that you have something else for me later. But I want this job. But if I shouldn't have it, because maybe it's actually a terrible job, then I'm glad you won't let me have it. Then what job am I supposed to have? Why can't you help me get the RIGHT job now? Please help THIS one be the right one. I hope this is it..." 

I mean, what does God even do with prayers like that? Side note - that's not happening right now. It's happened in the past for sure, but I'm not currently talking about that. That's just my example because I don't feel like talking about what I'm actually praying about. Side note over. I hope that even in my confusion of what to pray for, or when my head and heart are saying opposite things to God, that He doesn't let those prayers be wasted. Even that thought process - I KNOW prayer can't be wasted, but I FEEL like it sometimes is. But I know scripture trumps feelings. 

I know that, "The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words." (Romans 8:26) That's such a cool thing! 

Things I love and hope to be

The past few weeks have been kind of... weird. Unpredictable. In fact, I can't even think of the right word to describe it, so I'm just going to go ahead and explain why.

When I make plans to do things or be at things or get lunch with somebody, I "write it in pen." "Let me pencil that in" is not in my vocabulary. I put all of my things into my phone, but I mean I literally say, "I'll be there" or I won't. "Maybe" isn't really an option for me. I hate that there's a "maybe" option on events on Facebook, and then I made an event yesterday and Facebook changed that word to "interested." Still not a fan. I've slept in passed my alarm before and missed a few things and I HATE when I do that, so I'm not saying I've got it all together. 

This Friday we were supposed to have a worship night - we planned it a few months ago - but a lot of other things were going on and we didn't plan it, and so we cancelled it. But I'd asked off from work for it a few weeks ago, so I have Friday off. Also a few weeks ago, someone put on the church calendar that they wanted to have a family night at church for a life sized candy land game, and I wanted to do that! But it got moved too. Monday night a girl in our bible study suggested we have a girls' night this Friday, and now that is the plan! 

Saturday night of this week was supposed to be a worship night at the new church building, but we didn't get in the building in time, so it's moved to the next Saturday. But I work, so I don't know if I can get it switched or not. Thursday is always bible study, but the people's house we go to, they got lice so we had to cancel bible study (which pretty much never happens). I was supposed to get Waffle House with a friend after bible study tomorrow night, but she couldn't have made it anyways so we moved it to next Thursday instead. 

I stopped writing things on my calendar on my phone. 

Some of these things are legit reasons why things had to be moved or changed or cancelled. I'm not pointing fingers and saying people need to get it together and be more committed even. (Although some people should be.) I'm just saying that a LOT of things have been up in the air and moved all around the past few weeks. The examples above are just a few examples. People at work, we've all had to switch shifts around for different reasons, it's been hard for me to get together with some people, and it's been hard to make any plans at all in other cases, because nothing is concrete. 

There are only a few people in my life who I know won't cancel on me unless they are really sick, not just have a headache. If they have homework / work to do, they get it done before they meet with me, instead of cancelling on me because they procrastinated. If they say they'll be somewhere, I know they'll be there, they'll likely be early, and they'll likely be helping setup or tear down. Those are my favorite people. And if they can't be there, they just go ahead and say so, instead of saying, "I might be there," and then not show up. I would rather someone just say that. Only a few people in life will answer the phone when I call and just need to talk, or I text them and say, "I need to talk to you -when is the best time to do that?" and they immediately call me right then. (I mean, if one of us is at work then it doesn't work, but I mean outside of that.) I love the consistent people in my life. "See you Sunday!" I can only firmly say that to some people. To others I have to ask, "Will I see you on Sunday/ Thursday / etc?" I hope and strive to be all of those things too. Consistent, persistent, reliable, honest, and available. 

Looking back at 2015

I love the end of December when I reflect on my year... I make lists of things that happened, things I learned, things I did for the first time, books I read... Sometimes I make picture slideshows, sometimes I don't. It's not the end of December yet, but I'm starting my lists now anyways. Maybe I'll add to them at the end of December if something changes. :-) 

Books I read this year

Thanks to Goodreads.com I have the list handy! 

1. Prayer Warier, by Stormie Martin

2. Passion and Purity, by Elizabeth Elliot

3. You and Me Forever, by Francis and Lisa Chan

4. The Maze Runner, by James Dashner

5. Hacker, by Ted Dekker

6. I Am Not But I Know I Am, by Louie Giglio

7. Angles Walking, by Karen Kingsbury

8. Chasing Sunsets, by Karen Kingsbury

9. Ordinary, by Michael Horton

10. Breathe, by Priscilla Shirer

11. The Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

12. Compulsion, by Martina Boone

13. The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

14. Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis

15. Fervent, by Priscilla Shirer

16. Persuasion, by Martina Boone

Firsts in 2015

-I joined the hospitality team at church to greet people on Sunday mornings

-Took my first two senior pictures

-Took pictures for a house to sell

-Took staff photos for my church

-Hiked ALL of Kennesaw Mountain (6 miles, 3 hours-ish)

-Played Settlers of Catan

-Had bubble tea

-Had a nutella milkshake (YUM)

-Had mac and cheese pizza

-Went to an Australian bakery/cafe

-Took pictures for a girl's first birthday 

-Took newborn pictures with his siblings

-I went on a date to a fancy restaurant called "Elevation" and had a strawberry kiwi margarita with nitrogen, where it was the texture of sherbet and it was pouring out fog

-Going to take pictures in 2 weeks for a fancy holiday party for a company

-Went to new coffee shops in Atlanta

Other events in 2015

-Helped out with a middle and high school girls retreat / weekend

-Went to 2 funerals

-Went to Piedmont park with my friend Joy

-Wrote on the floors of our new church building we are moving into and took pictures for it

-Took family Christmas pictures

-Went to Tacoma, WA for my younger cousins' wedding

-Went on 2 leadership retreats

-Went to a baptism at the lake for people at church who wanted to get baptized

-Went to "Celebrate Freedom" - a Christian concert with different artists, with my friend Emily

-Did lots of things for people's birthday! 

-Had worship nights with my bible study where I sang

-For my birthday, they gave me a cookie cake at Steak and Shake, I had Mellow Mushroom with some of my closest friends, went to the Cheesecake Factory with my friend Kesley, and more!

-I had breakfast, lunch, dinner, and coffee with far more people than I could possibly count or keep up with. Lol. 

-I got rid of all my teacher stuff - lesson plans, teacher books, resources, classroom decorations, etc. 

-Took pictures at our church's fall festival

-Took pictures for a golf tournament to raise money for people going to Slovakia

-I finished up helping with administrative things for Kenya stuff at my home church

-I had a few weeks of a terrible job that I thankfully didn't leave Starbucks for yet

Things I learned this year

-I don't ever want to be that girl who likes a guy and proceeds to like and comment on everything he posts. If we're in a relationship then cool, I'll like whatever I want to. 

-I really grew in how to study the bible this year, how to write good questions for our bible study, and how to dig deeper in the Word

-I learned what it looked like to watch 9 season of How I Met Your Mother in a short amount of time, and then realize I needed a severe break from binge watching tv

-I continued to learn the importance of good communication - amongst friends, coworkers, family members, in frustrating times, in good times, and in confusion, and how important it is to use your words instead of ignoring someone or assuming something or staying mad at somebody or being passive aggressive

-Sometimes I have too high of expectations of others. Sometimes I have to lower my expectations of others, or manage my disappointment better. 

-I'm not responsible for everyone else's walk with the Lord. I can lead well, share well, pray for them, help them, and be there for them, but the most important thing is that MY walk with God is good and am doing what He asks of me and the rest is up to Him. I can't force people to be more disciplined or read the bible more or feel more convicted of their sin if they aren't. 

-I've always known how important friendship is, but this year has been a deeper understanding of friendship. There have been times when I was crying and needed people to talk to and I talked to them on the phone or went to their house. There was a time when someone tried to steal my dad's tire off his car when my parents were out of town and I freaked out and someone came over to put it back on. There were times when a friend was tired but they talked to me anyways. There were times when friends prayed for me wherever we were. I saw unconditional love, honesty, patience, and encouragement. I saw us sharpen each other. 

Social media - it's a downer sometimes

Yesterday I was at work, when I paused to look at my Facebook as the dishwasher was running. I saw something that made me angry. I yelled out loud, "NO! Oh my gosh!" My coworker was walking back to the back and heard me and said, "What?" I told her, and she was angry for me. She also yelled out loud. My brain immediately went into panic mode, and I worried about all the worst case scenarios, the "what-if"s... in that moment I became totally judgmental of this person, jealousy reared it's ugly head, and sadness clouded my vision.

I can count 11 people that I would actually wish they would post more on Facebook or twitter or blog, and that I want to know what books they're reading, what movies they like, what God is teaching them, and more. Some of them don't live around here, like my cousins, so I can't always just catch up with them so quickly. But others I do see regularly. 11 out of my 624 friends on Facebook.

Today I was reading, "The End of Me," by Kyle Idleman, and in the chapter about humility, he talked about social media.

"I introduced myself to an out-of-town guest at our church recently. We' never met before, and he said, 'Hey, I feel like I know you because I follow you on Facebook and Twitter.' Immediately, this struck me as funny. I thought, You know only what I want you to know about me. You see the danger? Without even thinking about it, we stand in front of as many people as possible and make much of ourselves."

I've read a million articles over the years about things you should or shouldn't post on Facebook, annoying habits that people don't like on Facebook, reasons why social media can be bad (although it also can be good), how it takes up so much of your time, how you can become sad / jealous /angry etc... And yet somehow I'm still on all the time. Now there are weeks that I'm on less, because I'm busy or trying to take a break from it, but it doesn't last all that long. I hear some people say, "Eh, Facebook isn't that interesting to me," and I think, "I wish I felt that way!!"

And here's the deal... As soon as social media becomes something that pulls me away from God, it's got to go. Then it's a sin. I'm not just talking about the amount of time I spend on it - that could be a factor though - I'm talking about the way it makes me feel when I'm on it. If I read things from friends that are encouraging, funny, and reading scripture, then awesome, I feel like I've gained wisdom or that I've been built up. I hope those are things I share the most. But there are a lot of times that's not the case when I'm on Facebook. I see those people who are in their second marriage and are my age, and think, "What? How did they get married twice before I got married once?" This doesn't mean all is fantastic in their life. I see people who get married quickly at 18, and have been married for the past 10 years and wonder what boat I missed. That doesn't mean all is perfect in their world. I see the people who get to travel the world or go on mission trips every single year (or twice a year), the people who love their jobs, or the people who live in fancy houses. When it begins to cause worry, stress, or anger, it's not good.

When I was at the leadership retreat this past weekend, I didn't feel the need to be on Facebook much or post much, because I was enjoying the time with the people there. It's that quote I've heard before like, "I love hanging out with people who make me forget to look at my phone," or something like that. But this week I've worked a lot, went to a funeral, and had a day and a half to just be at home doing nothing since it was Thanksgiving and we didn't have bible study, so I've been on Facebook more because I've wanted human interactions. The irony right? It's one thing to write back and forth on Facebook with someone, because you're having a conversation, verses just scrolling through everybody's lives and random articles and videos.

By someone reading my facebook, that doesn't mean they know me or what's really going on in my life. I don't often share what I want a close friend to pray for me about or what's bothering me in life or even what God is doing in my life sometimes because I don't want to just share it out there for non-believers to read if they have no idea what I'm talking about. I want that depth and closeness with the few directly around me, in person, face to face, shoulder to shoulder, not from the comfort zone of my bedroom sharing out to 600 people, of which only a handful of people will actually see it. It's worth the effort to engage in people's lives in real life and be intentional, than to quickly click post on whatever we think about or feel like sharing.

We're all at a masquerade on Facebook, displaying our beautiful masks, but hiding behind it is the faces we don't always get to see. But I can honestly say that I love the people with bedhead hair, sitting in pajamas, just sharing our hearts and not facebook statuses. I love hearing the laughter instead of reading "LOL" or seeing the laughing/crying emoticon. I love getting hugs instead of "likes" on Facebook. I love talking for an hour or two instead of just messaging on Facebook for a while. I love sitting outside watching the sunset change over time instead of running outside during work just to get a picture or two because I don't have time to watch it. I love actually praying for someone in person instead of saying, "I'm praying for you!" online. Don't settle for the false closeness of the internet and forget what it's like to spend time with people in real life.

Leadership retreat

Things I learned this past weekend:

-Fish eat frogs
-There are such things as a sleeping bag with legs, and sleeping bag coats
-How to play Settlers of Catan
-More about my friends' lives - their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, stories from their pasts, and more
-I learned what the word antebellum meant
-Jellyfish are 95% water

Getting Chili's for lunch was a great start to the weekend! I was riding in Bryan's new truck and I didn't think about how it was higher off the ground so I fell out of it the first time we got out at Chili's. LOL. After a car trip of good conversations to the lake house in Alabama, shortly after arriving, I enjoyed sitting on the swing on the dock catching up with Emily while Adam and Bryan canoed out to a sand dune to get arrowheads. Oh, but first, when we got there we couldn't find where the key was, and Emily really had to go to the bathroom, so we were frantically trying to find the key. Of course. After a while, Bryan, Adam, and I played Settlers of Catan, a strategy type of game. It was my first time playing it. We had great food all weekend. We had some time where we played music through one of my speakers in the background. Friday night we filled out some questions about ourselves and then shared it with others, and we tried to guess who it was (since one person was reading them out loud). Emily said if she could be any form of water she would be a jelly fish since it's 95% water! HA! The second thing we did that night took about 3 hours...

We each went around saying nice things about each person, or something we wanted them to know. There were tears, laughter, and encouragement. We didn't finish until around 3 AM, and while we were exhausted, it was good.

Saturday morning after breakfast Emily did our devotional, and then we had a meeting. After that and before lunch, some of the dishes were cleaned and lunch being prepared, the guys used leaf blowers to get all the leaves out of the way in the giant yard, and we had some good conversations on the porch with beautiful weather. After lunch, we had some time to ourselves, a fire was started, I sat on the dock for a while with some people, and then some people went on a canoe. The sun set around 4:30 PM since we were just over the time zone changing line. It was pretty, I took pictures, and the temperature started dropping pretty quickly. We went out by the fire to discuss our next topic coming up in bible study. Back inside we hung out until dinner. After dinner some people played Settlers of Catan and cards, part of the time we watched them play games or watched funny youtube videos, etc.

After things were winding down for the evening, some people were still playing cards, and others were sitting in the living room either falling asleep or talking. We had some good conversations for about 2 hours with dim lights and blankets, and the simple times of sitting and talking does my heart good. I don't need fancy entertainment or expensive food to have a great time. It was so nice to get to talk to Robert and Alicia more too during part of that time! Over the course of the weekend we talked about (at least the conversations I was it): dinosaurs, books, movies, music, video games, the bible, crazy stories in our lives, dreams, supernatural stuff, angels, heaven, speaking in tongues, our jobs, school for those who are in it, different aspects of church, who we would talk to in the bible if we could have lunch with them, things about our families, things from our past, our strengths and weaknesses, how bible study is going, if it rained before the flood in Genesis, told jokes we knew, prayer requests, different aspects of our love languages being how we relate to others, how different things were a year ago at this time and how they could be so different again in a year from now, why we say drinks in a certain order at Starbucks, adoption, being deep and shallow in different areas of our spiritual life and bible study, sin and how we should recognize how great it is for God to forgive us but also not have a negative view of ourselves all the time, not taking leadership too personal when things don't go well or if thing do go well because it's not about us, not looking at our lives to determine if it was successful or not by the amount of things we did but if we had grown closer to God and brought others closer to God...

Sunday morning I did a devotional after breakfast - I read some from a devotional book, and then asked everyone what they thought it looked like to struggle well. We followed up with that on asking how everyone's relationship with God is, and where they want to improve. After, we cleaned up the place and went our separate ways home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpYEJx7PkWE - Statler and Waldorf

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE5xZKszXMQ - Herman Cain bad lip reading

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." - Corrie Ten Boom

Random thoughts from this past week

My random thoughts over the past week or so...

"I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow
So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye 
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you." - Meghan Trainor

This song applies not only to somebody you're dating/married to, but to all friends and family. I don't want to take people for granted.

When we see other people in situations similar to ours, it's funny how easy it is to give them advice that you can't hardly follow yourself, or that you've already failed at. It's easy to say, "Oh, trust me, you should do this. I didn't, and should have." And yet you wonder, if someone had told you that 6 month ago, would you have followed their advice?

To the people who only say or think negative things... can they change? Or are they forever stuck that way? Even if they have depression, can they change the way they see things or say things? Can they search for the positive things, or is their negativity just so deeply ingrained in them that they can't?

Little kids have such excitement over things. They also unashamedly show off. They want you to be impressed with their clothes or shoes, their new ability to write words, their toys... "Watch!" "Look!" "Do you see my new shoes?" "Do you like my dress?" I hope that I never lose my childlike excitement over things. But I also know that sometime the little kids in all of us still want to ask people, "Do you like my dress?" "Did I do well in singing/taking pictures/on my presentation?" "Look at my new car!" "It's my birthday!" We all want the people we love to love us back. We all want to hear words of affirmation and encouragement and compliments. Sometimes we voice that, and sometimes we don't.

This upcoming weekend is our leadership retreat. We go twice a year, and this will be my 4th one. I love these trips. We don't go anywhere after we get to the lake house - on past retreat with bible study people we would go hiking, go into small towns to shop and eat, etc. But on these trips we don't go anywhere else. And I'm totally ok with that. I like playing games, laughing, and just talking to everybody. These weekends do a "quality time" person some good!

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7. This verse has been something I've come back to again and again over the past year. Maybe, in hindsight, I'd say it was my verse for the year. I have felt some of the strongest peace from the Lord over this year. That's not to say I haven't battled everything that is the opposite of peace, but I come back to this verse and I come back to the Lord in prayer. And truly, there is this peace that exceeds anything I can understand. Sometimes my brain says, "Hey, THIS IS TERRIBLE. Why am I not freaking out?" For the times when I have peace in the middle of terrible things, I know that it comes from Him. I know that it also comes from prayer that my friends and family have prayed over me. I can't imagine not having this peace, for those who don't know Him. I can only see it in other people's lives, how the tiniest things set them off into panic and anger, and I ache for them to have the peace that God provides.

Will you go?

"There's this place I want you to go and show others who I am. It isn't the most glamorous place in the world, but the people there need My love, and I want them to know that I am real and that I love them. You must be ready with boldness, ready to answer questions, and ready to love unconditionally as much as you can. They are lost, they are being held captive by satan, and they are blinded by the world. You will be a light in the darkness. Your life will be so contrasted to theirs that they will think you're weird or ridiculous or crazy, but that's the only way they'll come to know me. Some of the people there you will see every single day. Others you will only see every once in a while. Will you go?"

"Yes Lord, I will go! Where is it?"

"Starbucks."

Your faith is great.

I've been thinking about Peter walking on water recently, from Matthew 14. "But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink." (14:30) He was all cool getting out of the boat, and he was already walking on the water, but when he saw the storm around him, his focus was off. And Jesus asked him, "You have so little faith. Why did you doubt me?"

I'm in the same boat as Peter. I see the storms. The what-ifs, the fears, the irrational thoughts, the waiting, the frustration, the jealousy, the sadness, the anger. But what I want to hear is, "'Dear woman,' Jesus said to her, "your faith is great. Your request is granted.'" (Matthew 15:28) 

I think about how we are called to persistent and bold prayers, and for me, I think, how could I NOT be persistent and bold in these prayers that are so important?? How could I live life ignoring what makes my heart heavy, what I hope for most in life, what breaks my heart, for the lost who are all around me? In the past few months I have really dug in and prayed for these things, and I have found that more often than not, when I really pray for these things, I end up crying. Sometimes sobbing. Yes, that's sometimes what makes me not want to pray for them, because I don't always feel like crying. But to ignore them is like walking away from shattered glass, hoping I don't step on it later because I didn't clean it up. It must be dealt with. And what would I miss from God if I didn't pray? 

"One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up." (Luke 18:1) I am the persistent woman asking for the same things over and over, like the woman asking the judge for an answer in Luke 18. I'm like the persistent neighbor in Luke 11 who keeps knocking at the door at midnight. "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16) 

Coping mechanisms

The other day I realized something. A lot of our lives are made up of coping mechanisms to deal with things we don't like, that are uncomfortable, that make us sad, etc. Some are small, and some are huge.

Some small ones for me are... If I'm standing in a long line to get coffee, food, checkout at a store, etc. then I get on my phone to be on Facebook, e-mail, etc. (I think this post will have a lot of etc's on here, haha.) It distracts me from realizing that I'm waiting. And it doubles up as multitasking. Sometimes I eat chocolate because I had a bad day, as if that makes my day better. When I have a lot of things to tell my friend Emily but we can't get together soon then I make a list, and then I feel better because I know I won't forget what I wanted to tell her. At work, when I don't like the way something smells (toffee nut syrup, hazelnut syrup, cinnamon dolce syrup, trash, bathrooms, old coffee, spinach feta wraps...) then I breathe through my mouth. Sometimes when I'm washing dishes for hours at work or I'm driving a long distance, then I day dream. Either totally made up scenarios, possible scenarios, or just thinking about future events that are coming up (leadership retreats, church events, trips, etc).

I won't describe the bigger ones in my life, but they are surely there.

It makes me think of these verses...

"We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing." - 2 Corinthians 5:2

"But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior." - Philippians 3:20

"For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us." - Romans 8:19-23

Simply living in our bodies, physically, we are in constant "coping mechanisms" mode! When we get cold we put on more clothes or a jacket. When we are outside too much we have to put sunscreen on to protect our skin. When we get hurt we have to take medicine, put on bandaids, or rest more. When our skin is too dry, we put on lotion. To prevent smelling bad, we put on deodorant and shower. To sleep better, we get body pillows, specific pillows and mattresses, or sound machines.

Don't let your coping mechanisms be negative, harmful, or dangerous. I get it - life is hard. And other people's lives are harder than mine, and I can't say "I know you feel," to everything everybody is going through, as if that would make someone feel all better. But getting drunk, doing drugs, watching porn, avoiding everybody for long periods of time, always running away from dealing with problems, lying, cheating, stealing, watching Netflix for 8 hours every day and doing nothing else... The list could go on.

Don't let your coping mechanisms be a cop-out if you really need to deal with something. "Band aids don't fix bullet holes." - Taylor Swift.

Some of your coping mechanisms will always fail because what you really need is God. God isn't a coping mechanism, He is the ultimate problem solver, the only one able to change your circumstances or outlook, the healer of physical and emotional pain, the one who can give you patience and self-control that is directly from Him that you couldn't muster up yourself, and the one who can provide for you in ways you couldn't provide for yourself. It doesn't mean our lives will be all perfect once we decide to follow God, because we still live in a world where other people's lives affect ours negatively or we make bad decisions and then have the consequences to follow up with those decisions. But will do great things.

Well, there's that.

In one of my Infant to Preschool classes in college, we learned that as a toddler starts to be able to "think," they learn things in "boxes." They compare new information to old information. For example, if they have a dog and are familiar with the dog, but they go to another person's house and they have a cat, they think it's a dog because it's similar. And when the cat doesn't do the same thing the dog does, the toddler is confused. "Wait, this dog doesn't fit in the same 'box' as my 'dog box.'" As they get older then they create new boxes, so they recognize the difference between cats and dogs. It's the time of life when they think all women are called mom, all men are called dad, and all stores are just called "store." Things are simple, and all things fit into one category. All liquids are called juice or milk, all vehicles are just called cars (including planes in the sky or bikes sometimes), and when something doesn't fit into a box, they just walk away. Or cry. There's just not enough brain capacity to sort new info sometimes.

At 27, I thought I was done making new boxes in my brain.

I have all these categories and boxes and folders and subfolders in my brain that fit people, experiences, emotions, things... Those folders all sort of have general (or specific) rules for me (and I suppose most people if they think about it). For example, there's a category of guys I would never ever date (for reasons such as they aren't a Christian, they're in the military, etc) that are non-negotiable. Based on that, I only have a certain depth of conversations with them and know what topics are off limit, spend short amounts of time with them, etc. Another category would be "how to deal with my anger." There are somewhat different tactics for different people or places. When it's at work and a customer makes me mad, I get away as quickly as possible - physically I walk to the back or get busy elsewhere so I don't have to deal with them anymore. Then I remind myself that it was only a short interaction out of my whole day, and that I can't let that one person make me stay angry. If it's a coworker then I think, "Is this a big enough deal to talk to them about it? Or can I just let it go? Are they just having a bad day? Am I just over-reacting?" and then go from there.

So when suddenly I come across something that doesn't fit in any previous category or subfolder in my brain, I'm like, "Wait a second. Are you telling me this thing gets its OWN NEW FOLDER? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS." It's own experiences, emotions, and rules? Because I've been trying to fit it into all the other categories I can think of and it's not WORKING. So when I go about my normal rules and tactics for what I thought this thing fit in, and it DOESN'T work, I'm like, "Well what the heck? I've forever and always dealt with this in 'this' way and I'm supposed to figure out a whole new set of ways to deal with this? Are you kidding me?" So I'm feeling like that toddler who's brain doesn't really understand the inability to fit it into a previous category. I just cry. Or want to leave.

So I'm constantly in this battle to figure out what new rules apply, what conversations to have, what to do with my emotions, what guard rails to put up, when to run the other way... And I'm exhausted. And what boggles me even more is that I'll use what previous things I've done before, but get a totally different outcome. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome," is how the quote goes, but now I'm thinking, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting the same outcome, but one day getting a different one."

All I can do is pray that God guides me, but I'm still feeling lost.

Breathe in, breathe out

Breathe in, breathe out.

A slow start,

A hesitant art -  
I resisted as long as I could.
But wouldn’t you know I would
Not be able to hide away
Because at the end of the day
We’re both on this train
Through the sunshine and rain,
And it’s either going to a great destination
Or a train wreck with complications.
 
Breathe in, breathe out.
 
It’s like leaving chocolate out and saying don’t eat,
Like asking me to dance without using my feet,
Like flying to a foreign country and saying stay on the plane,
Or getting a tattoo and joking that I shouldn’t feel the pain.
Oh, but I can’t.
 
It’s beautiful and painful,
Challenging and delightful,
Confusing and crystal clear,
Hopeful and hopeless.
I’m on the edge of my seat
But I’m hiding
I’m running forwards
And I’m running away.
I’m pretending not to care
But caring with all my heart.
 
Breathe in, breathe out.
 
Have I lost my mind?
Am I blind?
Am I wasting my time and words?
Is all of this absurd?
Will this just be another frustrating story?
Or is this something that will bring Him glory?
 
In the middle of the whirlwind God gives me peace
Because His plan is better than mine and I am His masterpiece,
Ready for the moment when the picture He paints is clear.
So I choose not to fear.
What lies ahead is in God’s hands.
Whether I’m in the battle or in the stands,
Standing in darkness or standing in light,
I will not give up this fight
Of seeking His will.
 
When I breathe in, and breathe out,
I will have no doubt
That He is with me every step of the way.
So let’s go seize the day.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,
Hey there. It's Brain speaking. Listen, I know you think you're all that and that you're the boss of me, but you aren't. So back off. If I tell you to stop being sad, then stop it. If I tell you to get over something, get over it. Life would just be a little easier if you calmed the heck down. Some of the emotions you produce are not helpful to the every day life. And what happened to the wall that surrounded you? It was enough so that people could still look over the top of it, but who burned it down? Well it's time to build it back up again. Letting people in just to hang out and then leave is not cool. Next time you need to wait until someone says, "Hey, where's the door? Can I come in?" And if you see someone trying to torch it down, then we'll run the other way. There's also a pipe broken between you and the eyes, they keep leaking, but don't worry, I've called in the Healer. The Counselor will be following up with you afterwards. He told me that you have been a little unruly lately. That you've been listening to the lies of the world, and that false hope is just about doing you in. Saying that you should set your expectations lower sounds sad, but really when they are too high it's even sadder because it doesn't happen - because they were unrealistic.

"The Lord looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do." - Psalms 33:13-15

You are complicated and broken. You are imperfect and frustrating. But keep on loving. Keep on letting yourself feel that pain that makes you want to go back to Africa. Keep the communication open between you and God, and let the joy keep flowing. Share your heart when you need to, because passiveness and indirectness is frustrating, but be aware of who is on the receiving end and what needs to stay inside the walls. Be on guard a little more. Read up on those spiritual weapons. And above all else, run after the Lord. He knows you. And when the pipes are broken and tears flow, and when band-aids don't cover the wounds, just keep worshiping the Lord with all your heart, and I will worship Him with all my mind. He is good despite all the mess of the world.

Thoughtfully yours,
Brain

Thoughts from my trip

Instead of going through everything I did on my trip to Washington, I'm just going to write about some thoughts I had during the trip.

I hate stick shift cars. I've never driven one, but have ridden in a few, and it's too jerky. My cousin Carly has a stick shift. It's also messing up where it pops out of 4th gear when you're just driving along - scary!

Although the idea of inviting everybody I love to my future wedding, the whole wedding process and the amount of planning and money put into it is sounding less and less appealing. The older I get, and the more weddings I go to (which, I counted 15 weddings I've ever been to), the smaller of a wedding I want. And pretty much no food - is a "bring your own picnic" reception acceptable? :-) Or perhaps I'll just have family in a tiny room, and like two friends, and that will suffice.

My cousins, Emily and Carly, really like their shoes, clothes, jewelry, and makeup to match and be extravagant. They curl and or/straighten their hair in ways I don't know how, and put product in it that I didn't know existed. I only have like 4 pairs of shoes, I can't wear jewelry because I'm allergic to metal (and although I've had beaded jewelry before, I'm just not a huge fan), I only put minimal amount of make up on and I feel like it comes off fairly quickly, and most days I just brush my hair and walk out the door. I only have one thing I use to get some of the frizz out when it's bad, or I will straighten it every now and then. It takes them a long time to get ready to go somewhere... and it takes me like 15 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love to get dressed up and look good sometimes, but it's not at the top of my list of things to do. I would rather spend my money on books than on shoes.

Sometimes the slow, ordinary times are my favorite times. For example, one morning after breakfast, I got my coffee and sat outside on the back steps, and the weather was beautiful. I just sat there drinking my coffee and thinking. On Saturday night after we got back from the wedding it was about 7:00. My aunt and uncle and I had pizza and ice cream, and watched gymnastics on TV. Another time was when I helped Carly bring in boxes and stuff into her new apartment, and I sat on her messy bed while she put clothes away, and we talked. Then we sat on the sofa in the living room when her now-husband Simeon got home from his Bachelor camping trip to listen to him talk about what they did. These are beautiful to me.

I have no idea what will make me cry sometimes. Until I'm crying. I don't normally cry at weddings. At my friend Katie's wedding, she was crying through the whole ceremony, and I knew all that she had endured up until that day, and I ended up crying through the entire thing too. At Carly's wedding, I didn't cry until Emily stood up to give a "speech," and said, "I've never given a speech before..." and started crying. And crying. And then finally said, "Carly has always been my best friend." And she kept crying. So, I was just crying right along with her. And for me, it's like I either tear up, or streams of tears are going down my face, and then the next step is sobbing like I twisted my ankle or something. So, there's only like 3 stages of crying for me.

Things I tear up about (no tears actually fall, or like one or two do): moving moments in a movie, when someone else crying, some weddings

Things I cry about with streams of tears: once a month for at least once time because I'm PMSing, when I'm really mad, some weddings, coming home from mission trips, sometimes during worship song when I'm emotional, after some bad days at work

Things I sob about: when I get hurt (like when I fall down, sprain my ankle, or fall down/up the stairs), once a month at least once because I'm PMSing, when something crazy happens like my car dying or quitting a job on a bad ending or someone trying to steal my dad's tire when I was home alone, realizing the end of a dream or long term goal that didn't work out

Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be home again

Tomorrow I leave for Tacoma, Washington! This will be my 4th time going there. I'm going for my cousin's wedding. Over time, I have become friends with their friends and extended family, and I look forward to seeing them again! If I lived there, I know those people would be my friends too. Last year my cousin who is 23 (Emily) got married, and now my cousin who is 21 (Carly) is getting married. In the past, when they both lived at home (and up until Emily's wedding night last year), the girls shared a room, and when I came I stayed in the guest bedroom when it was just me, or on the floor in their room when my mom came with me last year. It was so great spending so much time with them, going to visit them at work at a coffee shop, going to the fair, going to church, going to pretty places outside.... Now they will both have their own apartments and shared cars with their husbands and the next time I visit, I will have to figure out who I will be staying with and who I will be hanging out with, and it will be more complicated. I love their new husbands and am so thankful they found them! But part of me is sad that now things are different. I'm also guessing they will have kids soon, and that they next time I visit, they will have babies since I don't go there every year.

When I went there last September, I was anxious to get away from here. I wanted time away from Starbucks, and just everything going on at home. But this time, I'm almost sad to be gone... Not from Starbucks (LOL) but from bible study, leadership meetings, church, and my friends. I'll only be gone 6 days and it will be 11 days of actually not seeing my friends, but I already feel like I miss them. And I know, of course, that when I leave WA I will also miss my aunt, uncle, cousins, and friends there.

I already have a GREAT book I just started that I can't wait to read, and also needing to journal on the plane, so I am excited about the long plane ride.

I like to be with me, when I'm with you

If I had a great big mansion
I'd rather live in a shot gun shack with you
If I drove a red farari
I'd rather ride in an oldsmobile with you

If I won a million dollars
I'd give it away to spend more time with you
If I had a million lovers
I would trade em all for just one more night with you

With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me, when I'm with you

If I owned the finest vineyard
I would rather sit and drink cheap wine with you
If I could live on the moon
I would rather stay in Tennessee with you

If I could sail across the ocean
The ocean would just be blue without you
If I could climb up Mount Everest
I would turn around and climb in bed with you

With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me when I'm with you

If I could be like Albert Einstein
I'd rather just be dumb and be with you
If I could sing like Frank Sinatra
I would rather sit and talk to you

With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me, when I'm with you

- I Like to Be With Me When I'm With You, Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

Beautiful days

Tonight I just feel like writing down the days that are good, so that some day when I look back, I'll have a clearer memory of it. Some day I'll joke about "the good ol' days" and so I'm writing them now to say I am currently living in the good ol' days.

Sunday I went to church. We only have a little bit longer in the elementary school before we move into an actual building! I always love the songs. The sermon was good. After, I helped clean up and take things down to be moved onto a trailer since we can't keep things up at the school. I got Starbucks and Subway after church, and then went to Bryan and Lee Ann's house for a leadership meeting with our bible study. Bryan leads our bible study, we have bible study at their house, and for the past 5 years they have been some of my best friends.

A few others brought food to eat there as well. We talked about life, upcoming plans, and laughed at ridiculous jokes. When others got there we all sat in the living room before our meeting started, still talking and catching up. I love leadership meetings because we get things planned, we discuss things, and we spend time with each other. The meetings go long, and I know some people don't really like meetings, but I am someone who really does enjoy them!

One of the girls brought a peanut butter chocolate cheesecake she made for one of the girls' birthday! We ate some after. Then I took my friend Emily home because she needed a ride and we talked the whole way there and still some in her driveway. Even though we talk all the time, and Facebook message each other all the time, we always have a million things to say!

I always enjoy the times when I can talk to people without feeling rushed, without feeling obligated to do something else (like help clean up, take things down, etc), or feeling like I need to talk to 40 people. So the slower times and conversations are my favorite.


Wednesday I was scheduled to work 1-6, and that never happens. I didn't have plans after work, so I went to Panera Bread and ate. Then I decided to go to Bryan and Lee Ann's house.  I brought Lee Ann coffee. That night one of the teams who went to Slovakia were having their debrief meeting at 7:30, and I got there at 6:30. Bryan and Lee Ann have 4 kids ages 5 months, 2 years, 4 years, and 7 years.

Before and during the meeting, which lasted until around 10:30, I held the 5 month old while Lee Ann bathed the other kids, and then I rocked the baby to sleep while she was putting the others to bed. The thought always occurs, "Ok, how long should I wait for him to be asleep before I can get up and put him in is crib so that he doesn't immediately wake up?" So I waited for a while. It's a sweet thing though, to sit in the silence, rocking with a sleeping baby in your lap.

After the meeting was over, I went downstairs to hang out with some of the girls, and they said, "We're going to Kroger to get desserts and then coming back here!" So I drove since my car had the least amount of stuff to move to the back. Kroger was a ghost town because they were doing construction and things were being painted. We looked at the million choices of ice cream. It's really overwhelming. I rarely look at this isle because then I just want to buy ice cream every time I look at it. We went back to Bryan and Lee Ann's house and sat in their movie room downstairs eating ice cream and talking. It was good. I stayed until 1 AM and then went home and two of the girls stayed the night there.

Thursday I had dinner at Moe's with my friend Joy who has been out of the country for 2 years (except she was home for about 2 months last year at this time). She'll be home for a year this time. We caught up some, on what was going on here and what things looked like for her at the moment. We talked about what was different now, what had changed while she was gone. Then we went to Bryan and Lee Ann's house for bible study. I talked to different people before we started for a while, but I had a lot going on in my head and a lot of emotions going on for various reasons, so I just sat down and watched the room full of people or just sat to think.

We had a guest speaker at bible study, but I didn't hear most of it because I was helping Lee Ann with the baby and part of the time she was with me, and part of the time she was with the other kids. Again I held him until he fell asleep, but this time he only slept 10 minutes after I put him down before waking up again, so that didn't quite work out so well. Anyways, afterwards I talked to people again, and then left a little earlier than normal.


I'm thankful for the people who want to hear about my life, who ask me questions, who don't laugh at my quirks, and who don't mind hearing about the little things. I'm thankful for the people who are quick to call me back or write me back, the hugs, the encouragement, and the laughter. These things, these people, are what make my life beautiful. When I pray for these people my heart is just so full of love that it's hard to imagine that God loves us even more than that! And everybody, not just certain people!

Dear people of the world...

To the people who tail other cars - do you think it's not a big deal to hit someone from behind, or to stress someone out? Do you think it will make the person in front of you drive faster? Do you really need to drive recklessly to get somewhere a few minutes earlier? If so, then maybe you should have left your house earlier. Quit taking it out on the person in front of you that you didn't get out the door in time. I know it's difficult to go the speed limit too, but if a person is already going 5 or 10 over, then there's REALLY no need to tail someone. So back off.

To the people who freak out about something minor in relation to their coffee or any other Starbucks drink- how about you go to Africa and walk a mile to get some dirty river water, then a mile home to boil it, then maybe you'll realize that your coffee, even if the barista made it COMPLETELY wrong, is NOT a big deal.

To the people who drink and drive - are you ready to die? Or kill someone else? Or perhaps lose a limb? Just like you can get pregnant the first time you have sex, even with protection, you can have one of those major thing happen to you the first time you drink and drive, or the millionth time because you've done it before and think you're fine.

To the people who complain that the newspaper prices are outrageous - nothing in life is $2 plus tax. Heck, even those vending machine candies and sodas are like $2 each now. So if you don't want to pay that for a newspaper, go read it online. Oh, don't have a computer or smart phone? Go to a library. I don't want to hear you complain about the price of a newspaper anymore. Nor do I think Starbucks should waste their money on supplying them anymore.

To the people who are angry that we close Starbucks at 10 PM (or 10:30 on Friday and Saturday) - buy some instant coffee, make regular coffee at home, get a keurieg, go buy some coffee or soda at the gas station or Walmart, or something else that will substitute this addiction. Ice cream. Whatever. But stop driving up to the window and arguing with us that we should let you be the exception after we shut down the store, or complain that we should have stayed open later for you. We baristas also like to go home and sleep or do things around the house. NOT sorry you couldn't get there any earlier.

To the people who let their babies and toddlers sit in the front seat of a car with no car seat, or sit in your lap - what is wrong with you???? If you can afford to put gas in your car, you can afford to get a baby seat or car seat. There's no excuse. I see it too often through the drive thru. It blows my mind.

To the policemen - I'm so sorry that the world has to see the crazy ones or the ones that messed up all the time, because not all of them are like that. They're not all out to get you or racist or shooting for no reason at all. Every occupation in the world has people who royally mess up their job. I've come across a lot of different policemen (and police women) through Starbucks when they come in to get drinks, and they are really great people. They let me ask them questions whether they're on the job or not and don't get irritated with me, they are quick to help when they see we need it, and they're great people.

Introvert vs Extrovert

In elementary school I was extroverted.
In middle school I was introverted.
In high school I was extroverted.
In college I was introverted.

And now I'm both. Split down the middle. It depends on who I'm around, how many people I'm around, how long I've known them, how much coffee I have or haven't had, what time it is, how serious the atmosphere is, whether or not I'm PMSing, whether or not I am tired or not... I take the personality tests and I'm literally 50/50. I used to always think I recharged best as an introvert, and for the most part I think that's still true. I need a lot of time to myself to read, journal, pray, not have any sound, and think. But over time I've also realized I really need time with people to talk to and be around. So even in the "recharging" aspect I think I'm coming to be right in the middle.

Where I'm NOT in the middle is that I'd rather be talking to one person (or two, but three is pushing it) instead of being in a bigger group of people. Even at work when there are 6 or 7 us when I first get there in the afternoon, I'm just not a fan of it. There's too many different conversations going on, too many people I want to talk to, too many different personalities. When we dwindle down to 3, and then 2, that's when real conversations happen. At bible study, when there are a roomful of people, even if I know all of them, I still can't focus well in a conversation. I get distracted, feel overwhelmed, or can't get past the basics of conversations, because I'd rather be real with somebody and have a serious conversation. But you can't do that with loud noises and people needing to get by you. As a result, sometimes I hardly talk to anybody. Or I pull somebody off somewhere else, out of the way of everybody else.

On a side note, on talking to people, not that I've been on a plane a ton of times, but I have been on several different planes / flights to Kenya, Slovakia, and Seattle. But none of the times I've been on a plane have I sat next to someone that I really wanted to talk to for a long amount of time. I always thought it would be cool to find someone my age to talk to or someone with a cool story. Well, there's still time in life.

God, friends, and thankfulness.

These are a few of the things I'm so thankful for lately...

A few nights ago at work, a homeless guy came in and he wasn't "all there." He was hard to understand and loud and asking everyone to help him or give him things. I would have been freaked out except that one of the guys there was a cop! He comes in fairly regularly, and he wasn't in uniform but he talked to the guy and asked him not to ask people for things and then found out his birthday and looked him up on his computer and found out that he wasn't harmless. He "escorted" him out when we closed, and told us there was a police car nearby if there was any trouble. So thankful.

Last week I had 4 hours of talking to my friend Emily about her trip and my previous 2 weeks. We write back and forth a lot throughout the week and she doesn't mind when I ask her random questions whenever I think of it. We listen to each other when we're emotional, and have each other's backs in tough situations. I'm so blessed for a girl that I can reach out to and know she will be quick to respond, and that we're always there for each other.

It's nice to have friends and people I know come in to Starbucks throughout the week. Sometimes it's people from church / bible study, sometimes it's people I've just become friends with from them coming into Starbucks a lot, and more. Sometimes they just stop in to get coffee and leave, and other times they sit and stay a while. It's nice to get the hugs or sit with people on my ten minute breaks.

God really has placed so many people in my life over the years who have been a huge encouragement in my life, from elementary school teachers I've kept in touch with, to people from my home church, to people at my various jobs over the years. Some are the kind to just be sweet and remind me that God has a plan for my life. Some are the kind to say, "You better not be beating yourself up right now. Because if you are, stop it. You made the right decision, and if you had chosen differently you would have been miserable right now, don't you forget that."

And lastly, and most importantly, I am thankful for the way God has written out my days the way He wrote out people's lives in the bible. Yes, we see that grand moment where God showed up in someone's life to change things, but we didn't see the years of normal days in that person's life. Sometimes we just get glimpses of it when it says, "And they waited for 20 years." Are my roots deep enough and secure enough in the Lord to weather the storms when they come? Do I let circumstances sway me til I fall over? No. But my ears are open, ready to act when God asks me to. I'm also learning how to let go. I thought that as I got older, the ability to let go of things would get easier, as if it were a childish trait that I would grow out of with maturity. But alas, it's something that doesn't go away. It's a battle. It's me saying, "Wait, God, do you really want me to let this go? Am I hearing you right? But why is this season over? Why is this not what you want for me?" And then trying to have self-control to let it go. (I know, you're thinking of the Frozen song in your head. If you don't know the song, shame on you and go look it up on youtube, it's called "Let It Go.") But His plan is greater than mine. He hears my fears, He sees my tears, and He reminds me over and over again that although this life will not satisfy me, that He is still with me through the good and the bad times.

I need people

For the past two weeks, several of my friends were in Slovakia on a mission trip, one being my friend Emily who I talk to multiple times a week about everything. A lot of things have happened in the past two weeks for me, and I know a lot has happened for her too! My parents also went out of town the past week, and so I had the house to myself. I like the quiet and time to myself most of the time, but this past week was lonely. There was too much drama at work, I had a few hours of unsuccessful job searching, there was hardly anyone I knew at church last week, our bible study was super small the past two weeks so we just talked some or played games, and basically I was overly emotional with several things and couldn't pull myself together. I was thinking too much. I was overanalyzing and questioning things and trying to just watch more Netflix to drown out the thinking.

And I just thought... I need people. How does anyone function without close friends and/or family? Oh that's right, they're crazy or angry or stressed out or sad people all of the time.

I did have some good times with God, reading the bible, and praying. I even sang out loud in my house sometimes, just worship songs as I was cleaning or making food. But overall I was lacking quality time with people. Yes, I spent 37 hours with coworkers and customers, but that's not quality time. Even for those I like, we don't have in depth conversations most of the time.

So today my parents got home and I talked to my mom for about 2 hours, and my friends got home from Slovakia but they've been traveling for like 48 hours, so I just got some hugs in and will get to catch up with them later.

I'm so thankful for the people in my life that have forbearance with me, and me for them. I'm so glad that they listen to me, and forgive me, and vice versa.

Zechariah 1

Zechariah!

There’s a lot of visions and messages in this book, and I know a lot of the stories will have a LOT of specific meanings that I couldn’t even begin to get into or describe.

Chapter 1.

Lord of Heaven’s Armies. In other translations it says Lord of Hosts. The Hebrew word for that is describing war, an army, and spiritual warfare. It can be a host of angels in the sense of war, which is what this usage is for, but it can also be hosts of sun, moon, and stars, or of entire creation. There are 486 occurrences of this word in the bible! It’s used a lot in Zechariah.

In verse 3 God says, “Return to me, and I will return to you.” The exact same sentence is used in Malachi 3:7. In Malachi the people ask, “How can we return when we have never gone away?” and God replies that people have cheated Him out of tithes.

Zechariah verse 3 says, “Therefore say to the people, ‘This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies says: Return to me, and I will return to you, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.’” In other translations it say, “Thus saith the Lord,” or “declares the Lord” and it’s actually the same phrase three times in this verse. It’s only used 2 times in NLT and NIV, but I find it interesting that it’s used 3 times in other translations because of the meanings of the words. I used biblehub commentary to look more into this and this is what it said about it (in my words, since I used more than one commentaries to look at it):  –“This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies says” is closer translated “thus saith the Lord” and it denotes his power. There is a second “thus saith the Lord” – is a more threatening form than the other two – that is after “return to me” because he can punish you or reward you for returning or not. The last one is at the end, and it is more of a promise. He promises to return to His people, to bestow favor on them, to forgive them, etc.

Zechariah is relaying a message from God in verses 3-6 that says to repent and turn from your evil ways, and that their ancestors did not do that. I feel like this is for people who are straying and doing bad things… but does this apply to me in any way? Sure it’s easy to point fingers and think of other people who need to return to the Lord, but am I in any way part of this? Yes I sin, but yes I constantly repent, so I don’t feel like this part is particularly relevant to me.

That was his first message. The second one was three months later (vs 7). Zechariah had a vision at night. He saw men on different colored horses, and asked the angel what the horses meant. The angel explained that the horses patrol the earth, and they came back and reported that the earth was at peace. By peace they meant (in explaining a few verses later) that other countries were at peace, but Jerusalem and Judah were not. I find it interesting that the angel of the Lord prayed to God at that point. And then “the Lord spoke kind and comforting words to the angel who talked with me.” I love it!

The angel says to Zechariah that God is a little angry with His people, but the other nations “inflicted harm on them far beyond my intentions.” Things I noticed about this section: God spoke kind and comforting words to the angel (vs 13), His love for Jerusalem is “passionate and strong” (vs 14), God was “very angry” with the other nations for ejoying peace and security (vs 15), “only a little angry” with His people (vs 15), and soon “the Lord will again comfort Zion” (vs 17). Comforting, passionate and strong love, very angry, and a little angry. The Lord is full of emotions just like us. We are made in His image, and He has emotions that are very clear and evident in scripture. His emotions are always justified and rational, even when they are stronger than any of our emotions could ever be. Ours our often skewed and tainted with sin. His anger is righteous anger, ours isn’t usually. His love is unconditional and holy, and we try to copy it but don’t always get it quite right. He comforts and consoles, and we try to replicate that but are unable to fully do so because God is the ultimate healer and comforter.

In verse 13 where God spoke kind and comforting words, the word “kind” in Hebrew here also means “beautiful,” in the sense that “the good kind words spoken in promise.” In verse 14, “passionate and strong” is also translated to extremely jealous. It is the type of jealousy “of God for His people, especially in battle” according to the Hebrew use of the word.

The third and very short vision in chapter one is still part of his previous night vision but is only 4 verses long. There are 4 horns which represent 4 nations that scatter and destroy Israel, just like the horn of a bull would do, and then there are 4 blacksmith or workers who come to stop them.

We have all of these scholars, history, knowledge, and future fulfillment of these visions and dreams, so we are able to interpret them and study them. But I wonder what would happen if God gave people dreams and visions today and we had current day prophets. I don’t think people would believe them until something they said came true because there are so many people out there that lie for attention, fame, money, or just craziness. I also wonder how long it would take that person to realize it was a dream from God instead of just a random dream like any other night. Unless you just woke up and you just knew. I also wonder how different it would be to get the word out to people if your dream or vision was to tell other people – would you blog about it, share it on all your social media, and keep posting it for people to see? Would you hope it goes viral or would you try to reach famous people to repost it or something? And if it was from God and it came true, how would you prove or show that it came true?