Goodbye 2014, hello 2015!

I don't really like making New Year's Resolutions because a year is too long to make a goal for usually, and they're too quickly forgotten and often too ambitious. But I am making goals now that I will revisit often and change them as a I need. A friend asked me about 2 months ago what kind of goals I had right now, and I realized I had none. It makes life kind of stagnant without them. There are some that are personal goals that I'm not listing here, but some I am sharing. I hope that in doing so it will spark some ideas for your own goals, and to be a reminder that goals aren't always set to be stressful or unattainable, nor can you ever fully "reach" some of them since it's an ongoing process. Also, in writing this out it is good for me to come back and read it again throughout the year.

I don't want to waste my free time. I don't want distractions to dominate my life. I want to hear God when He speaks to me. I want Him to use me to reach unbelievers. I want Him to fill my heart with joy and peace even when I go through bad days, when satan fills my head with lies, and when circumstances in life feel unbearable. I want to "fix my eyes on things unseen."  I want to know Him deeper, to sin less, to flee from sin quicker, and to bear the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

I want to love so that "they will know we are Christians by our love." I want joy to brighten my face so that people ask where my hope comes from. I want peace to rule my heart. I want patience to be stronger than my temper. I want my kindness to be what helps me to give freely without selfishness and encourage others to do the same. I want goodness to be prevalent in my life, where evil and sin are scarce, and I win more battles than I fail. I want faithfulness to God to be deeper than ever - trusting in Him, not letting worry or anxiety to linger or distract me from Him. I want gentleness to be in everything I do - not harsh words, not anger, not annoyance, not being short with people. And lastly, I want self-control in my life to use my words carefully, to be disciplined in my walk with God, to not give into temptation, to get off the internet more often, to not waste my time, and not waste my thoughts.

To gain those things, I have ideas of how to better use my time, and it will be an exciting journey. Jesus was not born into a dangerous and sinful world and sentenced to death so that I could spend my life online, being sad about my job, or letting fears consume me.

"The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." - John 10:10

What is a rich and satisfying life? I think it's when the fruit of the spirit are dominant in your life, when you are close with God, and when you don't waste your life. Our purpose is to be Jesus to everyone, everywhere, in whatever season of life you're in.

I have made a list of books I will be reading soon, videos to watch on Christian speakers talking, and other edifying things to put my time into. Besides good things to read and watch, a few other things I'm working on...

- Plan my week on Sunday nights. Be specific with my free time.
- One day a week for an hour, job search.
- Eat better. Seriously. I mean it. Look up healthier foods and recipes, and figure out what to bring to work since we don't have a microwave.
- Take some online photography classes
- Plan more specific times to be on the internet, what I'm going to do on there / for how long, and then get off.
- Go new places. A coworker told me about a smoothie place near KSU, someone told me they have the best biscuits at a place called Stilesboro Biscuits, go to some coffee shops in Atlanta, go to the park more often to walk and/or read books
- It's been 3 years since I graduated with college and I've held on to ALL teachers supplies and books and lesson plans that I thought I'd use. It sits in boxes and filing cabinets in my house. But in the next few months, I'm giving it away.
- Plan specific times to read the bible, pray, and read Christian non-fiction books (as I mentioned above)
- Be intentional with the people in my life as far as getting lunch/dinner/coffee, ask how I can pray for people more often, and use my time with people to have real conversations instead of talking about the weather or something

Today

Maybe I'm getting better at shutting off emotions. Maybe I have found a way to replace the things I don't want to feel, with something else more practical. Maybe I've learned not to get my hopes up.

Maybe the best thing I can do is to get through something without feeling it. It seems to be less painful.

Some days though... some days I'm not strong enough.

Today, I am not strong enough.

King of Kings

There's this game on Facebook (that can also be played on your phone) called Candy Crush. It sounds like a stupid game. It's not. It's fun...but addicting. The same company made another game similar to it called Candy Crush Soda with a similar concept but different rules. There are unending levels to this game, meaning that they continuously make more levels. Hundreds. Hours. At some point, if you get stuck and just have to move past a level, you can use real money to get things like more moves or special items to help you win the level. And while it's only 99 cents to $5 at a time, it starts to add up. And suddenly you check your bank account and realize you just spent $30 in two days on a stupid game.

This company also makes a lot of other games, and clearly they are doing well. I used to play Candy Crush so much that I deleted it because I was on it too much and spending too much money. And then when it had been about 6 months of not playing it, I thought it'd be fine to play the similar game to this, Candy Crush Soda. I'm in the same boat. I had to delete it.

A few days ago, before I deleted it, as I waited for it to load, the company's name showed up on a screen of it's own for a moment, and somehow, after the massive amount of time I'd played these games, I didn't know the company's name. It was, "King." Talk about a punch in the face. King - reigning over me. Controlling me. Putting this feeling in me of an inability to walk away from this game.

Jesus is called the King of Kings a few times in the bible, and "King" many other times. God is also called King over and over again. "Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you." - Psalm 5:2. I can just imagine satan laughing at the idea of this company being called King and knowing the distraction, addiction, laziness, wastefulness, and lack of good time management this company would produce through these games. "The time for judging this world has come, when satan, the ruler of this world, will be cast out." - John 12:31. Satan is described as the ruler of this world... but far from a king. He is the ruler of all things that pull us away from God. And may our eyes be opened to that. May we catch it quicker, fight back harder, repent sooner, and flee faster.

Because I'm happy... clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

I just saw this article that has 7 questions to bring happiness closer. It obviously lacks God, but with Him included by own decision, they're good questions...

1. What can I be thankful for?
-My friend Christina came to visit me at work today and I got to talk to her on my last ten minute break
-Taking pictures of some friends for their Christmas cards went well yesterday, and I have more coming up soon!
-Everything Christmas is great!
-My parents, for listening to me, for buying me poptarts when I didn't have time to get more, for hugging me when I still smell like coffee (they don't like coffee), and for a roof over my head

2. Who do I know that loves me?
-My parents
-A LOT of friends from church and bible study
-A few friends from my home church
-My friend and coworker Nichole

3. What progress have I made?
-I have had my DSLR camera for 9 months, and have grown in my photography, and also gotten a lot of jobs since then! I started out with everything being free, but now I'm up to the point where I can charge money and people will pay!
-My job used to stress me out so much that it was messing with my health, and my mental sanity! I have learned how to better manage my stress at work which sometimes just means letting things go faster and saying, "Ok, it happened, and now it's over. Letting it go now."
-Maybe I'm learning how to let go of people more too. It's a huge weakness of mine, letting people I love go. I'm trying to remember that most people in life aren't "friends for life," and I try to appreciate the time I got with them and then move on. I'm also trying to balance what it looks like to keep in touch with people. I used to try to keep in touch with everybody all the time and was sad when it wasn't returned, but I can't balance that many people in my life anyways.

4. What contribution do I bring?
-I hope that my pictures bring glory to God. I also hope they bring people happiness and good memories, as well as a new perspective on things sometimes.
- I give people coffee! Coffee fuels a lot of people, and without it we'd have some pretty angry people out there! (Even more so than they already are!)
- With being on leadership with my bible study, I hope that I am hoping other people grown in their relationship with the Lord, am able to encourage them, and help them go spread the gospel to others.
-I try to use my money to help others when I can. I am helping a little girl in Kenya to have food and a bed and life. I'm helping a friend live in another country to spread the gospel there. I help give money when there are families in need from tragedies or medical problems. I want my little bit of money to reach other people to bring them closer to God, and to bring those who don't know Him into heaven!

5. What pursuits bring me the most joy?
-Photography
-Writing
-Reading
-Singing
-Friends and family
-Reading the bible
-Praying and spending time with God

6. Who can I help?
I mentioned a bunch of ways I help people above! But I'm always on the lookout for more.

7. What choices do I have?
-I'm still job searching. Being at Starbucks for 3 years is 3 years longer than I thought I'd be there. I have the choice to look harder and more often.
-I have a choice not to be on the internet/games/tv for so long, and make better use of my time. I am in control of my time, I do not have to feel like I just "fall" into whatever I'm doing.
-I have a choice to pray throughout my day at work.

Getting ready for battle

I started reading the book, "Overcoming Sin and Temptation," by John Owen. It's 3 books he wrote, all complied into one. Since it's difficult to read, it will probably take me a long time to read it! I have to look up a lot of words through google since he uses big words or words we don't use anymore, and also look up bible verses he references but doesn't directly use. But here are some good points so far...

"Be killing sin or it will be killing you."

"Your being dead with Christ virtually, your being quickened with him, will not excuse you from this work." (Dying with him and being raised again through baptism and committing your life to Him and thinking you don't have to do anything after that)

"He that stands still and allows his enemies to double blows upon him without resistance will undoubtedly be conquered by the issue. If sin be subtle, watchful, strong, and always at work in the business of killing our souls, and we be slothful, negligent, foolish, in proceeding to the ruin thereof, can we expect a good outcome? There is not a day but sin foils or is foiled, prevails or is prevailed on; and it will be so while we live in this world."

"The root of an unmortified course is the digestion of sin without bitterness in the heart. When a man has confirmed his imagination to such an apprehension of grace and mercy as to be able, without bitterness, to swallow and digest daily sins, that man is at the very brink of turning the grace of God into lasciviousness and being hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."

"An unmortified course has an evil influence on them in that it hardens them... They have zeal for religion; but it is accompanied with lack of forbearance and universal righteousness... They separate from the world, but live wholly to themselves, taking no care to exercise loving kindness in the earth; or they talk spiritually, and live vainly; mention communion with God, and are every way conformed to the world; boasting of forgiveness of sin, and never forgiving others."



He references SO many scriptures all the way through his writings, but sometimes only the reference so I would go look it up. It came up with verses about how we should throw off what is hindering us so that we can run the race with endurance, not giving up on doing good because in time we will reap what we sow, "let us work towards compete holiness because we fear God..." and more. Owen reminds us that "it is our participation of the divine nature that gives us an escape from the pollutions that are in the world..."
I think it's so true that you are either being "beat up" by sin, or you're fighting against it. Some nights I have been trying to go to sleep and start thinking things I shouldn't, and whether it be a spiraling thought of worry, depression, jealousy, lust, or anything else, I suddenly can't sleep or go to sleep and have bad dreams. When those nights come, or sometimes even during the day, I repeat this verse over and over in my head:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praise worthy - think about such things. (Phil 4:8)

I remember it so well because I knew it as a song when I was a kid. But now I use it to repeat it over and over again, and I imagine angels standing around me waving their swords when I say those words, the spiritual battle that is coming at me. The bible says to put on the full armor of God, and the bible is an important part of that ensemble!

But sometimes it isn't just a battle in your head. Sometimes it comes out as actions. I think the lies that come up in my head that justify things is, "Well it doesn't matter that this is bad because other people have done way worse, and they're on a good track now / they're forgiven / everybody sins so it's not like I can just never sin again." But thinking that means I'm not fighting against it. Then comes the "well then why should I even have to fight that hard against it?" But as Owen reminds me in his book, sins don't just stay stagnant. They get worse. They can become "soul-destroying sins." It can affect others. It can put you WAY off course. It is a slap in the face to Jesus who died on the cross for you to say, "Oh well... thanks for getting me into heaven, but on the way there I'm just going to do my own thing." To not fight against sin is to not know God. And to not know God means you actually aren't saved / going to heaven, and you have missed the whole point. But oh, the lies and justifications we start to believe, little by little until they are big and we didn't even know it.

As to what this "fight" looks like... I'm not 100% sure yet. I'm reading this book to find out. There are things in my life that I have taken too lightly, and some may not "look" bad in the eyes of others, but they really are. And some just flat out are. Looking at things in life and thinking, "There's just no way I will ever be over this... this could be something in my life for my entire life," is depressing. But that doesn't mean you just give in.

Freedom of religion????

America has freedom of religion... just kidding, if you don't agree with the government or the majority, then you're going to pay for it. Suckers.

But should we be surprised? Nope. So much of the world is persecuted for being Christians, from beatings to death, from jail to a million other punishments. While the US prides itself on it's freedom - freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of whatever, the line is becoming so thin that I'm losing sight of it.

The Duggars (19 and Counting - a show on TLC) stated that they believe that marriage should only between a woman and a man. After 9 seasons of showing how they live their lives as Christians, people are mad and saying they're against gays. Here's the deal - you can still LOVE people who are gay, I do, but not agree with gay marriage. Why? Because of the bible. Because for Christians, the bible is true. All of it. And if you haven't read the verses about gays being incorrect in the bible, then please look it up before arguing about it.  No, it's not just in the old testament, it's in the new testament as well. There are things in the old testament that are changed when Jesus comes - for example, women were stoned for being adulterers in the old testament sometimes, but in the new testament Jesus said, "Let the one who has no sin throw the first stone."

Anyways, disagreeing with being gay as being a good thing does not mean you're making fun of or treating those people badly! I don't agree with people working on Sundays because one of the 10 Commandments is, "Keep the Sabbath holy," and how you should take that day to rest. But I'm not going around being rude to everybody who works on Sundays. I understand that not everybody is a Christian and not everybody is going to believe in the same things as me, but should I be fired because of that, or have a lower pay because I don't agree with working on Sundays? No.

Beyond the Duggars show being petitioned to be cancelled, the government has decided to step in and force churches to marry gays, and if they don't they get sued, or they fire the pastor and put in a new pastor who agrees with that. Churches trying to get out of denominations who are ok with gay marriages lose their churches or pay a big fee to get out. Oh, and we have freedom of religion? I'm sorry, that doesn't look like freedom to believe in the bible to me. It looks like the world saying, "If you don't agree with us, you're going to get some trouble." And I'm sure things will increasingly get worse for people standing up for what they believe in.

I believe in Jesus Christ being the Son of God, the ONLY way to heaven. I believe that Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit make the trinity - they are three in one. I believe that no other Gods exist, and all other religions are made up. I believe that gay marriage is wrong. I believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman, and further than that, that it's also wrong for them to date / kiss / etc. I believe that you shouldn't work on Sunday because that day should be kept holy, stated in the 10 commandments. I believe that heaven and hell are both real... and people are going to both. I believe that there are some people who say they are "Christians" but don't actually know God - they think that because they believe God exists that they're a Christian and that they are saved, but they are not. "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder." - James 2:19. Even demons believe that God exists, but they do not love Him and know Him! I believe that Jesus died on the cross for all my sins, and then rose again 3 days later so that we could go to heaven.

And when people start to say, "We don't agree with that. Sorry, you can't believe that either," it doesn't surprise me because the bible tells us that there will be persecution, and we will suffer just like Jesus did. But through it all, He is worth it. Because He's real. Because He is greater than everything in this world. "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." - Matthew 10:28.

I heard every word.

Nine days of praying the exact same thing is kind of...weird. I say the exact same words. I listen. And then I go on. But, it's important. I've prayed for it over time, for a long time, but this time I'm praying every day until God does something or He speaks to me clearly. Some things are worth praying for every single day. Finally I can say that I'm praying about it more than I'm talking about it to other people. And I think talking to other people about things can be therapeutic, or they can have good advice or be able to pray for you better as well, but sometimes only God can change things and talking to Him is more important than talking to other people about it.

If there were a scale in heaven that measured what we prayed for, the amount of time spent on it, it would be interesting to see in heaven. God would stand beside us and say, "Well, I know this was important to you, but you didn't really pray much about it. I had things to tell you about it, but you weren't really able to listen." I hear people say how some people don't receive because they don't ask, or they ask too small, but I am not one of those people. I ask for big things, important things, impossible things. I pray big. I don't generally fit under the category of "didn't receive because didn't ask."

"And this you prayed for a lot. I heard every word, I saw every tear. I was working and making things happen that you didn't even know about. Just because you didn't see it, didn't mean I wasn't answering your prayers, or making things happen behind the scenes so that I could eventually give you what you so desired. You may think those prayers were wasted, but no prayer was wasted." I can imagine saying that, and I can't imagine the joy we will feel when He shows us what our prayers did! Not only for ourselves, but for others, in spiritual warfare, in the Kingdom of God.

Take My Life and Let It Be

Take My Life and Let It Be

(Hymn, also sung by Chris Tomlin)

 

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise.

Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Giving God 99% of something still isn't all of it.

Giving God 99% of something still isn't all of it.

God said no a long time ago about something in my life, and I wasn't ok with it. I fought it. I prayed He'd change His mind. I heard Him say no, but it was a whisper in my life because I didn't want to hear it. There was a time when someone said, "Do you feel like there's a chance God said, 'just not right now?'" And I said, "I honestly don't know. It's like.. 50/50. Half of me feels like yes, it could still happen. Half of me says nope, it won't." That 50/50 tore me up. I tossed back and forth between feeling hopeful and hopeless. Happy and sad. I prayed one day as I sobbed, that God would push it to one side or the other, that I would no longer be at 50/50, even if it meant the biggest "no" there could possibly be. I asked Him to move mountains - this mountain. My mountain.

That day came. And this time it wasn't a whisper. It was with a force that I cannot explain. It was a million little signs and confirmations, spoken through circumstances, other people, and the bible. It was through books, sermons, research, articles, quotes... bam, bam, bam. And then, to top of all of those little things, then came the big thing. The "straw that broke the camel's back." Maybe to some people, without knowing the whole story, it wasn't a big deal. But to me, it was the last straw. I knew then, that God said absolutely not.

A few months pass, and I woke up with this thing on my mind today. It stayed all day, and I can't seem to shake it. Real past scenarios go through my head, as well as made up ones that have never - will never -happen. I drove home from work thinking, "What is up with this? Can't I just not feel any emotions towards this anymore since it's over?? Right?" I thought in my head... I'm still at 99% sure it will not happen, and 1% hopeful that it will. That realization made me so... confused. Is it just a spiritual attack, trying to hold me back from where God wants me? Is it just the consequences of sin that have left me somewhat a mess from it?

Abraham didn't give God 99% of an effort towards killing his one and only son. He was willing to give up what he loved the most... because He loved God even more. Yes, God stopped him, and no, I don't expect God to stop me, because I know He wants all of this, because He already told me so.

While this is vague (if anybody actually were to read this...which... I'm not sure anybody actually does but whatevs), I think this can apply to so many people, and so many different situations. Sometimes, most of the time, I don't know HOW to give something up to God! Sometimes there's not instructions on what to do after I feel like I gave it up, nor do I always realize when I take it back! I remember in high school there was a time when I was walking down the hall to my locker, and my books were heavy. I put books in my locker, but pulled more out to go to a different class. I thought about how sometimes, I put my burdens down before God, and then pick up different ones instead. In this case, it's me putting this down before God, and picking it up again every once in a while, or coming over and looking at it again as if it's ok that I just keep it nearby as long as I don't pick it up.

...no. Not ok.

I love analogies... and I know that Jesus spoke in parables all the time, which are like analogies! I thought about it in this analogy as well. It's like I've been in this room, and it's been good. But then it got bad. And someone came in and took everything out of it, so I'm standing in an empty room full of memories and good times... but it's simply and empty room now. And God said, "Go on, you can leave this room... you may be in the hallway a bit before I show you the next room, but you gotta leave this one first." And I said, "No. I want this room. I want you to fix THIS room, because it was good once, and it can be good again. I know You can fix this, I know all things are possible with You." And the ceiling started falling in, the walls started cracking, and the floor grew mold. I knew time was up. I said my last goodbyes and left the room. And I've stood in that hallway, not walking away, but just waiting outside the doorway looking in. It's not my room. It's not the one for me. And when someone else gets that room and God fixes it up for them, it's not my place to be jealous or sad or mad because... it's not mine. It's time I walk. I'm not even anxious to find the next room because I just don't feel like feeling anymore. I don't want to get excited about a room that isn't mine again, until I hear God directly say, "Go ahead. Go through this door." And He might have to push me, because I just don't feel like looking right now.

Me and God, sitting in the hallway. But He gets it. He knows. Just because we're on the way to what's best, doesn't mean the journey there isn't painful or sad at times. Just because I feel pain or sadness doesn't mean I did something wrong or I'm going the wrong direction or He doesn't care what's going on. And just because I think about that room with fond memories sometimes doesn't mean I just walked back into it. But I know today that I have just sat outside the room and moped.

Analogy aside, I'm not sure what that looks like, to walk on. But I am trying. And I'm listening for God's voice.

I know God is able, but even if He doesn't, I will still praise Him

Since I was out of town this past weekend, I listened to the sermon from church online today. It was about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. (Yep, just had to google how to spell their names.) As Brad, the pastor, pointed out, some of us have heard this story since we were little kids. But beyond the amazing factor that God saved them from death and showed everyone His power, there's always more to the story.

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” - Daniel 3:17-18

They didn't put their faith in the outcome they hoped God would provide in their dilemma, they put their faith in God Himself. Sometimes when He doesn't do something we wanted to, we feel like our faith is shaken, and feel like He didn't come through. But even as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, sometimes we have thorns in our lives that God doesn't take away, even after praying about it a lot.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

He may come through in the most spectacular way, that you didn't even pray for at all because you didn't think He would. Sometimes He may answer no, because it is what will bring Him the most glory or is what's best for you.

I know that I sometimes feel mad when God doesn't answer prayer in the way I want Him to. More often than I'd like. I know I feel mad when God doesn't clean up messes in my life that I have made myself, and the pain of the consequences lingers. Sometimes I think, "THIS could never bring God glory. This is a rotten pile of stench that is an embarrassing disgrace not only to myself, but to God." But that in itself limits God. Saying that something I messed up could never bring Him glory.

Like those three men, I want to say, "I know God can do this, but if He doesn't, I will worship Him anyways and know His plan is for the best." I want to love God for who He is, not just what He can do for me. I want to stand before Him in heaven one day and say, "Thank you for doing what was best for me, even when I was blinded by pain and anger and the world." I KNOW I will say that, and what a beautiful day that will be!! Like a child who grows up and thanks their parent for not letting them touch the stove, play with knives, and run into oncoming traffic, I will be the child of God who thanks Him for the multitude of instances He protected me, redirected me, and used me to bring other people to know Him.

This is a perspective I too often forget. I too often forget His sovereignty and His perfect timing. Not only do I read about it in the bible but I see it in my own life too. Sometimes I just need to sit and think about these times and let God reset my perspective. May I never forget it so much that I run away from God. I pray that He will place people into my life to always bring me out of my times of complacency, my times of being lukewarm in the Lord, my times where I deliberately turn away and chose to sin over and over again, and my times of pain. I pray that not only will He place those people in my life to help me, but that He will also change my circumstances to redirect me and remind me. As Brad said in his sermon, we are too comfortable in America sometimes because we are not persecuted in the way that other countries are for following God. We aren't killed or tortured, and rarely does someone lose their job from it. And as my friend Bryan said, we sometimes lack the urgency of pursuing God because of the millions of other things in life that get in the way. I want God to give me an urgency with clear direction as to how to change my life, live my life, and continue my life. I want my heart to be open to what He says instead of shaking my head and saying, "That's too hard."

Yay fall stuff!

My mom's cousin asked me to take pictures for an attorney in Atlanta, for his website! I went this morning and took pictures inside and outside! I feel official. :-) I also have two families lined up to take Christmas pictures for! One they just one pictures of their baby who is like 6 months old I think, and the other is a couple and their dog. :-) I'm pretty pumped for these things!!!

This weekend I'm going to Talking Rock Georgia. Who names a place Talking Rock? It's a teeny, tiny little place, but there will be a festival there. I'm going with some women from my home church and we are selling tacos at the festival (I am NOT wearing the visor that says, "Let's taco bout it.") to raise money for Kenya! It should be good! We're staying in a cabin tomorrow night and Saturday night.

Next weekend I have a full weekend packed out as well - Saturday morning I meet with two girls my age, for the second time, for an accountability group in the morning. Then I'm going to a Fall festival with my church to volunteer and help take down. After that I'm going to my friend's house with people from bible study for chili, smores, a bonfire, etc. The next day, Sunday, I'm helping watch some kids in the morning before church while their parents have a meeting, then church, then my good friend Katie's bridal shower, then dinner and a leadership meeting.

Just typing all that makes me a little bit tired. :-) But it's all good stuff.

All of that good stuff is a huge contrast to how work has been going lately... work has not been good overall. :-(

The tough questions

Maybe we don't ask them because we don't want to hear the answer. Maybe we know the right answer, but don't want to deal with it. Maybe we don't know who to ask. Maybe we think there isn't a right answer, only opinions, so we have to form our own. Maybe there just isn't a right answer and it differs between people. But maybe... maybe these questions are worth asking anyways.

Is it really a big deal to watch tv shows or movies, or read books, that have a lot of sex or violence in them when I'm not going to go out and do either of them?

Is it really a big deal to play violent video games?

Is it really a big deal to listen to music that talks about inappropriate things or has a lot of cuss words in them when I'm not going to be changing my morals because of it, and I'm nt going to start cussing because of it?

How much does media intake really affect my thinking? And even if it doesn't affect it in the long run, does it matter right then as I am taking it in? Because if it doesn't fit this verse: "Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy - think about such things" - should I not intake that media or what?

What does it look like for a Christian to be lukewarm? Am I ever lukewarm? Would I know if I was?

What do you do when someone decides to ignore you and not speak to you, when you know that unity in the body of Christ is the goal, and loving everyone with the love of Christ is what should be happening, but the other person just doesn't care? How can you fix it? Can God fix things that are broken, or are some things forever broken?

In what cases do you really "have nothing to do with them," in a biblical sense? Those verses of having nothing to do with someone seem so weird. What circumstances do those really apply to?

If Jesus asked me to give something up, as he did to the rich young man in giving away what he had to the poor, what would mine be? If it was social media / the internet, would I say yes? What would that look like practically? And how do I know if He would be asking me something like that?

Is a caffeine addiction as big a deal as other addictions? It seems like not, but is it really that - an addiction? And aren't all real addictions bad?

Am I wasting my free time?

How do I get closer to God in a way that I am SO close to Him that nothing shakes me? It seems like a clear cut answer - read the bible, pray, listen, etc.... the spiritual disciplines... but implementing that is hard.

In what ways am I selfish? I just took this spiritual assessment quiz about my strengths, and cringed when one of the questions asked, "Do you talk to new people at church?" Oh. No. It's been a long time since I went to church and talked to new people... I go and talk to my friends. Yikes. It was a smack in the face. I've forgotten to talk to new people at church! What is with that? What else have I been selfish in??

I am ready to pray

"Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?"

In other words, have you talked to God about it as much as you've talked to humans about it? When the answer is no, I kick myself. My problems don't just magically go away when I talk to people about it - it's therapeutic, yes, and people can have good advice or help me or pray for me, but they can't solve the problem or work things out. Only God can.

This week I thought about the verse, "The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." (James 5:16) And then after I told my friend Emily about it at lunch today, the guy talking at bible study brought up the verse tonight too!

Have you ever said, "I'm not going to stop praying for this until God answers me, even if it isn't the answer I am hoping for"? I have before, and I am still praying for those things. But I have been thinking this week about something I have prayed for on and off for the past several years, and haven't prayed for in quite a while, but it still a headache and an unresolved issue in my life. I've talked about it and I've journaled about it. But it's been far too long since I prayed about it.

So I am ready to pray. May God move mountains.

My trip to Washington

I like airports and flying. For me, my flights have always taken me somewhere great, and I only fly every few years, so that probably has something to do with it. I flew out to Tacoma, WA with my mom last week, and we stayed for a week. The weather was perfect and didn't rain the whole time! I was involved with all the events leading up to my cousin's wedding - the bachelorette party, setting up the reception hall, the rehearsal and dinner, hair and makeup for the day of the wedding, pictures of the bride, groom, and bridal party at a park, the wedding, and cleaning up. I had lots of coffee during the week. I got to see my cousin's new apartment.

Sunday we went to Seattle. We took the ferry there, saw the pretty views, etc. and then walked down Pike Street. We also went to a Starbucks down the road from it because it was pretty and I wanted to go. We went to dinner with their new family by marriage, but they've been friends their whole lives. It's so cool to think they are part of my family through marriage now, and whenever I go to Washington, I will most likely see them. For the rest of my life. They are all married except my younger cousin. Andrew, my cousin Emily's now husband, has 3 other siblings, two are married, and the 3rd just got engaged while I was there! I went to her surprise birthday party and engagement party on Monday!

The last day I was there, Monday, my cousin Carly went to work, and my mom went with my aunt and uncle to a nature walk thing with wildlife for a few hours and she took pictures. I stayed home, drank coffee, looked at my pictures on the computer, was on facebook some, and read a book. It was so great because I didn't have much time to myself during the trip! I journaled for about 3 hours on the plane home, and then slept for an hour! Which is rare for me on a plane!

I got some GREAT pictures during the trip! The whole trip, although busy, was great. It was nice not to work, and to be in a different "world" for a week.

When I'm weak, You are strong

Lord when I'm weak You are strong
And it's the best place to be, don't get me wrong
I've read the scripture about that and I agree
That I want more of You and less of me.
Your strength doesn't mean my pain is gone
Or that I can just simply move on.
You are good whether a circumstance is or not.
Thank You for taking my spot
In the punishment of my sins!
That alone is where Your goodness comes in,
And even if that was the only thing You did for me,
It would be enough to praise You constantly!
I come before You now with a prayer for peace,
For joy, and for love for others that will never cease.
I pray that You will give me the ability
To see things as You do, and realize the possibility
That what hurts now is actually
Something that is good later, not just a tragedy.
Your plan and timing is perfect - mine is not.
Your reasoning is detailed, not thought up on the spot.
Your love is powerful, not conditional.
Your spirit lives in me - I'm thankful that's admissible!

So when I stand before the giants and the foes,
The battle tripping me up and people stepping on my toes,
When I am out of ammo and out of a plan,
No where to escape and when I should have just ran...
I will kneel to the ground with my hands raised high,
Knowing You will fight for me with strength beyond what I can try.
So here I am Lord - fight for me.
I'm a bit blinded and I can't see.
Maybe I'm being slowed by quicksand
Or weighted down by chains so I can't stand.
Break my chains, pull me out,
Give me confidence free of doubt.
You created the world with Your breath,
You created my life, and You will take me in death.
How could I worry or let life get me down?
Your Word is full of how You hold the crown,
The King, the Lord, the majestic One who conquers all!
To let anything in life make me fall,
And then just lay there and not stand once more,
Is to say that You're not able to win this war!

Lord be my strength when I am weak.
Guard my mouth when I speak.

Love

Will the people around me know that I am a Christian even when they don't see my facebook, instagram, twitter, or blog? And how will my life reflect Jesus, not just my social media?

Jesus said, "Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:35) Wow. That's heavy... my love for people will prove to the world that I follow Jesus. So does it? I hope and pray so. That includes my coworkers. That includes people who hurt me deeply, over and over. How will my love look different than someone who isn't a Christian but is a loving person as well? I know that love has to be selfless. It has to be thinking of others, helping others, doing things for others that they don't want to do or that is hard. It's communicating well instead of being passive aggressive, or getting revenge (even in small ways). It's listening to someone's problems or worries, even when I'm busy.

Let me tell you how people have not received my love well and have straight up told me.... they take it as being nosy, intrusive, giving someone too much attention, creepy, awkward, too persistent. Yes, sometimes romantic love, but also just love as a friend. And in those moments I panic - maybe I should stop loving with all of my heart, or at all. Maybe I should just keep to myself, love less, and only love if the person seems receptive. I suddenly have to check with other people to see if those things people have said is true, or figure out how I am supposed to fix it. How do you love people who don't want to be loved, or who have walls up, or just flat out don't like me? Sometimes, the only thing to do, is move on. But sometimes, it just means to back off and give them space. I don't always know the right thing to do, and it's different for different people. Sometimes people say that because they've never had someone love them with the kind of love that is demonstrated in Jesus' life, they are only used to people loving them artificially or temporarily or selfishly, so when I don't do that they are defensive and confused. But if "loving too much" is one of my flaws, then I'm ok with that. Because the bible says a million times to love. God is love, and God is in me. One thing I know that God won't say to me when I get to heaven is, "Jennifer, you should have loved a little less."

There's a song that says, "Break my heart for what breaks yours..." and when I think about how much God loves, I think about how much his heart must break. When I was in Kenya, my heart was bursting for love with the people there and the kids and the orphans... and at the same time it was broken because I wanted them to have better lives, better living conditions, and adults to take care of them and love them instead of living on the streets or being raised by a teenage sibling. And my heart broke because I wanted them to know that Jesus was the way to heaven, and that there was a God who loves them no matter what circumstances they go through.

Giving is part of loving, and I have grown to love giving. I don't have much money, but I love that I can give money every month to a little girl in Kenya that gives her food and clothes and more. I want to sponsor more kids some day. I also give money to my friend Joy who is in Bosnia, starting her second year, and I love knowing that her presence there is spreading the word of God in a place that needs Him. I love giving my friends random gifts. I love giving of my time to people who need help, or watching babies while the parents can be in bible study.

I hope that my life, my love, my giving, and my words reflect Jesus more than just the average person. I hope that my life brings Him glory. I hope that somehow, my life makes people realize that God exists and that they want to have the hope, joy, and peace that I have because of Him. I hope that my life brings people to heaven, even if I never meet someone while I'm on earth that tells me that. I hope that my life is well spent, so that I will hear God say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Run.

Today in church, the sermon was on Jonah. Our pastor, Brad, started off asking, "Kids, have you ever run away from home? Or adults, did you run away from home as a kid? It didn't matter where you were going, but it mattered what you were running from." I knew where this was going... but it was good to hear. Brad said something key - sometimes you think you're running from something in life, but you're actually running from God because you think God didn't show up or do His job when something in your life isn't going right. And let me tell you, last night I almost decided to go to another church as a result of me running away, and I would have missed that sermon. I haven't actually "run" yet, but for the past few months I've been "packing my bags" so to speak. I've been ready to run, and each week there's something that I didn't want to miss or something I needed to be there for. There isn't something God told me to do that I'm not doing, but I do know that God is telling me not to run.

Also, the whole thing about the storms is what I was blogging about some last night! Brad said how those storms aren't God's punishment or payback for what we did wrong, but since God is all love, then part of Him is mercy and sparing us from what we deserve, and part of Him is discipline, so that we will come back to Him and/or stop sinning. I feel His discipline in my life.

On a similar subject, let's talk about anger for a second. For me, I am often quick to become irritated / mad, and quick to let it pass. A customer will do something annoying and I'll be mad for a few minutes, and then I'll move on. A coworker will do something mean / annoying, and same thing. But overall, with my friends, I just don't get mad that often. Yes, there are days when I'm more prone to be angry than others, but I don't ever want to be a person who someone feels like they have to walk on eggshells around me because they never know what's going to make me mad. Currently however, I am in a situation where I have not felt this much anger in years. And I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to stop it. I can fake look happy all day long, and I can still feel joy from the Lord, but currently mixed in with that is an underlying anger that affects me. Maybe the thing is, I can't do anything about it. Only God can. Only by literally sitting in silence in the presence of God will He give me peace again and take my anger away.

Reminders of what God has done in my life

We don't build monuments or alters, or name rocks to remind us of great things God has done for us like they did in the old testament. Now, we write them down, to read back and be reminded of God's great works in our lives.

A girl I didn't know that well, Nichole, was someone who I helped get a job at my Starbucks. She has been such a blessing to work with. She is full of energy and joy, which gives me energy and joy as well! She is someone I can talk to about life, and is on the same page as me. I am immensely thankful for her, and that God has allowed me to work with a friend. He has blessed me with her, even in a job that I'm not a huge fan of.

Last year at this time, one of my best friends Joy left for Bosnia for a year. We used to hang out a lot, and go cool places on day trips. We were really close, and her leaving was really hard. At the same time, my really close friend Mel got a new job and became fully immersed in that, and wasn't around much anymore. I felt a huge loss between the two of them, and cried a lot about it honestly. Why would God take both of these amazing women out of my life at the same time? But, in an overlapping process, God showed me what a great friend Katie was. We got closer over time, and then we started meeting every week and that was a gift from God. It's been a year, and with her schedule being busy and getting ready to be married, we won't be meeting every week, and although she won't be too far away, she won't be in my life in the same way. Joy has decided to go back to Bosnia for another year. But, I am not too brokenhearted about either of those two things, because I have seen God's hand in bringing people into my life who enrich my life and friends that either become closer, or new friends. Maybe someone has been praying for a close friend, and I am the answer to that prayer!

I searched and prayed for about a year after college before deciding to pursue photography. I am thankful God has given me the talent, persistence, and opportunities to pursue that. I never thought I've have the type of camera I do, or that I'd be taking pictures of the things I've taken pictures of. I am far from making it a job, but God will bring me to the right places at the right time. To have a passion in life is such a beautiful thing, and I'm thankful God showed me what mine is.

Over the past few years, there have been situations in life that really shook me and brought me to my knees. I was knocked down and felt I couldn't get up again. I don't think my foundation was "built upon the sand" and not on God, but I still felt rocked by the waves and I felt incapable of seeing Him through those storms. I didn't feel his peace or trust His hand in my life... I thought that He was just not in those storms. I am sometimes that person in the boat saying, "Jesus! Wake up! Don't you know it's storming?" Ah, He knows. And He is the master of those storms. Instead of seeing those storms as disasters intended to destroy my life, I have seen them as a redirection or a warning. Like, "Turn around! Don't keep going this way!" Or even if I don't see a purpose and I am just soaking wet in the storm, I am allowing Him to fill me with peace. I am still. I am waiting. I am listening. I look for things God does in my life, from the little things to the big things. I am asking that God give me eyes to see things as He does, and to not allow people, things, circumstances, or anything else to be what dictates my emotions or actions. He is helping me to do that. I don't feel so shaken anymore by the things in life that aren't going well or things that flat out punch me in the gut. Praise the Lord.

This thing we call life

Thanks to the internet being the way it is, there are stats on things. But sometimes, the statistics are... well... embarrassing. Sad. Incredulous.

For example:

I have posted 4.4 thousand pins on pinterest in the past 3 years. And I haven't even been on it in the past 6 months hardly at all. I have a thousand followers on there.

I've starred 797 songs on Spotify in the past 3 years, which is 49 hours and 50 minutes.

I've only liked 166 things on Stumbleupon, which seems like a small number for the years I've been on it.

I've tweeted 4,049 times, with 1,356 favorites tweets of others that I've seen, in the past 5 years.  

There are 1,498 pictures tagged of me on facebook, and I've posted 13,349 pictures in 8 years.

I have 78 apps on my iPhone.

There is no way to track the time I've been on facebook, or how many videos I've watched on youtube, or how many silly things I've read on buzfeed, or how many hours of TV shows I've watched, or how many hours I've spent playing games on my phone or on my computer.

And I wonder why I still have unread books, or why I can't hear God sometimes.

I saw someone post a quote from the book, "Don't Waste Your Life," by John Piper on Facebook and it is now on my list of books to read. But isn't it ironic that I'm not sure when I'll actually read it because I've got other things going on?

“America is the first culture in jeopardy of amusing itself to death.” - John Piper

Last night at bible study I tried to be more intentional in my conversations with people, and my time is also almost up with my friend Joy who goes back to Bosnia for a year in just over a week. I tried not to check my phone, but looked at my notes a few times that were in my phone because I had a lot of things I needed to write down so I wouldn't forget. I went to Waffle House after bible study with 11 of us, and again, tried to really "be all there." There are people in my life who I love and are wonderful, and I know that in the constant change of life that people will continue to move on out of my life. Not because they don't want to be there, but because that's the way life is. There is no way to put a number on the amount of times I've hung out with friends, or the hours I've talked to them, but I can count the years. I've been at my bible study for 4 years now, and am flooded with love because of that!

“I am wired by nature to love the same toys that the world loves. I start to fit in. I start to love what others love. I start to call earth "home." Before you know it, I am calling luxeries "needs" and using my money just the way unbelievers do. I begin to forget the war. I don't think much about people perishing. Missions and unreached people drop out of my mind. I stop dreaming about the triumphs of grace. I sink into a secular mind-set that looks first to what man can do, not what God can do. It is a terrible sickness. And I thank God for those who have forced me again and again toward a wartime mind-set.” - John Piper

I want to walk so closely with Christ that when troubles and distractions come, I am merely glancing at them and walking on. When I am not walking close with Him, I am stopped in my tracks, brought to my knees, and brought to tears that don't end by those problems and pains in life. When my pain begins to overtake my joy, I know that I am not walking so closely with God. And I also get unfocused about sharing Him with others! I pray that everything I do will glorify Him and that when I fall and mess up, or get distracted by the world, that I am quick to turn back to Him. Always.

Relationships, dating, and marriage

Tonight I went to the young marrieds’ bible study and asked them questions about relationships, dating, and marriage. We had an awesome series on relationships at our single’s bible study that wrapped up a few weeks ago and only a few in our group is married. I wanted to go and ask these people who are already married for some of their insight, advice and wisdom as well!  There were 18 people there, with 3 being married for a longer amount of time, and a couple who also gets married this week! Some had babies and some had no kids. Even after my last question they continued to talk and remembered things to add to previous questions, so I got an hour full of awesomeness! When I quote someone, I will try to write it as close to what they said as possible – some things will be easier to write in the way they said it themselves. Thanks to everybody who was there!

I have friends who are engaged, in relationships, dating, and single, and this is for you all as much as myself! I asked these questions for my friends, and to look at myself to see if there is anything I should change in myself, as well as things to look for in the future.

1. “How do you argue? Do you shut down and need time before talking about it, do you want to have it out right then, do you need time to collect yourself… and what do you do when the other person deals with conflict differently?”

A common theme was that girls wanted to talk it out in detail, and guys just wanted to say sorry and move on. One guy said that he would think they were done talking about it, but then she would need to keep talking about it, so it took time to realize they needed to do that. She said it helped so that the same argument didn’t happen again in the future. One couple said, “We argue right then and there and then we leave it in the past and don’t bring it back up. That’s important.” People said that it was important to learn the other person’s personality when they were stressed out and they got in arguments, and that both had to change a little for that. One guy said, “Sometimes your expectations of the other person is what causes arguments, even in small things, and you have to talk about it. Like if I expect my wife to always take the trash out because she’s supposed to be the one in the kitchen, and then I have to take it out and I’m mad about it but don’t say anything, it just stirs up anger that doesn’t come up until later.” One girl said that even if you need time to think about something or cool down, never go to bed angry because in the morning you’re up and off to work, and the “immediate takes over the important.” She said that girls should be forward and communicate well not just in arguments but all the time, because guys need things spelled out sometimes and need things said directly – all the guys cheered in agreement. Haha.

2. “Did you have specific things in dating that helped you not go too far physically?”

One of the guys started off by saying that with girlfriends before his wife, they had made specific rules for themselves like not staying out past 10:00 or whatever, but then sure enough they would be out past 10, and even though they hadn’t done anything wrong they would feel bad about it. He said sometimes there were important rules to be made if you knew something was a struggle for one or both of you, but sometimes you couldn’t make too many “rules” or else it wouldn’t really help. He also said that he thought about how he would want his future daughter to be treated by a guy, would he want a guy treating her the way he was treating his girlfriend? One girl said that her now husband said that they didn’t say I love you until they were engaged. Not a rule that they felt like everybody had to follow, it’s just one they decided to do together. They said that they always tried to remember that first and foremost, they were brothers and sisters in Christ, and he said, “I want to be closer to the Lord after this if we don’t get married. I want to leave you as a better person, not a broken person.” I think that is so great! They said that your boundaries will change from when you first start dating, to serious dating, to being engaged, to being married. And that’s ok that they change.

3. “Was there anything important to you, or something you did in your past, that you didn’t tell the other person until you were engaged or married? How quickly did you get to know them and are there things you shouldn’t share with them while you are dating?”

One girl said that when she knew she wanted to marry her now husband, but they hadn’t talked about it yet, her mom gave her books to read about marriage and one was a book of questions to ask before you get married, like how you were disciplined as a child, how you dealt with money, etc. They each got one and filled it out on their own time, and then switched books to read what the other wrote, and highlighted things they wanted to talk about which created good discussion. One of the women said, “What you can’t do in that is say, ‘What? You think this? That’s wrong / stupid.’ There are some things you will differ in, but there are some things that will show you red flags.” They said how it was really fun to answer the questions and talk like that. Another couple said they started off long distance immediately, for several months living in different states. He said they wrote letters back and forth because their conversations through texting weren’t as deep, and they wanted to get to know each other better. He said it also allowed them to get to know each other without any physical contact, and they were able to focus on the desire to get to know each other and not just get distracted by the physical things. He said you could still do that even if you lived near each other!

One girl said that about once a month they had a “check-in” time to see how things were going, what they could do better, what to work on, etc. The first few times were great and like, “Everything’s great! You’re perfect,” but then there were things they had to change and discuss. She said you have to be really willing to hear it and take in it though, because sometimes she would be upset about something he would say got on his nerves or that wasn’t going well, but it was really helpful in the long run. She said that way, you knew what was bothering the other person and could work on it while you were both calm instead of waiting until it was a huge deal and then blowing up in the moment. Another girl said that despite all of that good intention, when you are living under the same roof as someone and you’re tired and had a long week, you still have disagreements even over something as small as someone not changing the toilet paper, or whether or not the toilet paper should go over or under.

4. “What were red flags to you as you were dating? What was big enough to not continue (or start) a relationship with someone?”

A guy said, “I asked God to let me see their heart before their face.” He said he really looked to see how a girl loved people, including strangers, because that would show him how she would love his friends and family who she hadn’t even met yet, and that if she loved others well, then she had a kind heart. If she didn’t love others well, that was a red flag. Another guy said it had to be someone who his parents liked. People said that if your closest friends were hesitant about a guy and you tried to justify, “Well you just don’t know him like I do,” then that was a red flag. They said that love is truly blind sometimes, and you need to listen to the advice and wisdom of your close friends and family. Pushing physical boundaries – red flag. Pornography – red flag. If their goal in dating is not marriage – red flag. A girl said that sometimes even though you know a guy through church, that doesn’t always mean that they are ready to be in a relationship or ready to lead or be sacrificial. She said that constant arguing or conflict is a red flag, that it doesn’t go away when you get married but is harder and magnified. One guy said that he looked for someone who could still be his “buddy” in the sense that it’s important to be able to hang out and do nothing or silly things because there are times when life is busy and not all that fun but if you’re still able to enjoy the other person’s company then that’s important. Another guy said her sense of humor had to match his because he was always joking around and sarcastic, and if a girl thought it was stupid or annoying, then that just wouldn’t go well. So his wife is able to roll her eyes and laugh, be sarcastic back, or go along with it. Another guy said a good relationship with their family was important to him, although he knew that some people weren’t able to control that, like if their family wasn’t a Christian and they shunned that person because they were a Christian.

5. “While you were dating, did you hang out with someone of the opposite sex, just the two of you, even if it was out in public? And now that you are married, how do you deal with situations where that arises as far as how you communicate with others or what you do if you’re forced into a situation like that through work? What kind of boundaries do you have in that?”

One girl said, “Sometimes you obviously have to text or talk to someone of the opposite gender, whether it be through work or through church stuff. But when I do, I tell my husband that we did and what we talked about. And that’s ok.” They all said how important it was that you didn’t talk to someone of the opposite sex about your marriage, because that was none of their business, and you bond emotionally when you complain about your girlfriend or wife to another girl. A guy said how it was so important not to talk bad about each other to others behind each other’s backs. A guy said how a lot of times affairs start with small things like an emotional bond. At the same time, it’s important to stay in community, not get rid of all your friends, and talk about what’s going on in your marriage or relationship with a group of people, like that bible study, or with someone of the same gender. They said that if you’re dating someone who only wanted to spend time alone with you and not in groups of people, that wasn’t a good thing. It’s important to not only keep friends close, but also to see how they treat other people and how they behave with your friends. The girls said that even when a guy complimented them at work, like, “You look nice today!” they told their husbands just because that’s what they did. But that if it was a guy constantly complimenting them, that was a red flag and they needed to be careful – one girl said that might seem extreme, but it’s just something that led them to be on guard. Another guy said to avoid even the appearance of evil! If you and someone of the opposite gender are in the same room just watching the Braves and nothing else, the only thing people know or see is that you’re in a house with the doors closed and that’s it. Even though you might not be doing something wrong, it’s not even good to go there. One girl said that she used to have a lot of guy friends but when she started dating her husband she told them all that she wasn’t going to be hanging out with them one-on-one because it was saying, “I care enough about you to not cause any issues in that area.” It avoids all question or jealousy by just putting that out of the picture. She said, “Also, texting is more secretive than you think. Even though you might not be texting about something that is a big deal, you should be careful. You should always be respectful, open, and honest with your significant other in what conversations you have with the opposite gender, even in texting.” One girl said that through her job, there were times she had to ride in the car with her boss who is a guy, and it was unavoidable, but she always told her husband when that happened.

Fallen, but standing again

I was on facebook tonight when I came across something that knocked me down. I was suddenly flooded with anger, sadness, jealousy, bitterness, dread, fear, worry, stress... I don't even know the right words to explain the depth of pain that came over me. It didn't start from facebook, it started from something else, but this was a bigger reminder to me of how real it is, and a reminder of how things are quickly getting worse. I turned my facebook chat on to see if some of my closest friends were on, even at such a late hour, and they were. They were awake. But I just didn't feel like pouring this pain on them. I don't want to be redundant or have them be tired of me, and honestly I know I'm not looking for advice from them but for peace and a solution and these awful feelings to be taken away from me. That doesn't come from my friends. I am thankful and blessed for friends who listen to my pain when it comes, and I am always willing to listen to theirs without hesitation. But there comes a time when I know that I'm not just looking for a friend to listen to me, or even tell me they are praying for me because I already know they are.

And so I started to journal. Four pages in, I stopped and went to the bible. On my bible app, I see when my friends I've added have highlighted something and the first one a friend highlighted that showed up was, "The name of the LORD is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe. (Proverbs 18:10 NLT)" So I ran to Him to be safe. I randomly decided to read 1 Peter, and all 5 chapters were like putting aloe vera on a sunburn. I read it quickly because I was reading with thirst, and then went back a second time to read them all again a bit slower. I am standing at the bottom of a mountain and its magnitude scares me. The possibilities of its terrain, what could be on the mountain, how I could be hurt on the way... I don't want to continue on this journey, on this path, because I just want to chose a different way where this mountain is not in my way. I have tried over the past few weeks to abandon this path, but one thing after the other leads me back and I feel like God is saying, "No, I want you here. Let's keep going."

When the bible says, "Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth," (Colossians 3:2), I am reminded to view my life through the eternal perspective. Sitting up in heaven, talking to God about my life, what will it look like as we review this time in life? What kind of questions will I ask? What will He reveal to me that was going on that I had no idea about? What things am I going through that is actually bringing glory to Him and being a witness to those around me that I don't even know? How does God want me to act in different situations or seasons in life, and if I know it, am I doing it? It puts me in an airplane, looking down on the mountain that suddenly looks so small and God reminds me of His greatness. It seems like a short amount of time in the airplane sometimes, before I am overwhelmed by the mountains in my life, but God lives inside of me and I know He is with me in the journey. He is the one that will fill me with peace, not from this world but from Him.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell Go what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Think about such things

"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." - Philippians 4:8

Fix your thoughts on what is true...
Sometimes to figure out what is true, you also have to figure out what is false so you can combat that with truth. When the thought comes that is false I have to realize that it's false and then go find truth. And the truth is found in the bible. False: "I am not married yet because there must be something wrong with me.. there's something about me that is too much or not enough. I have to figure out what that is and I have to change who I am."  "Why haven't I gotten a better job yet or a job with more money? I am stuck, and God just doesn't feel like fixing it."
Truth:
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
    They cannot be numbered!"
-Psalm 139:13-17

Honorable....
The version I learned when growing up used the word noble instead of honorable. The definition of noble: having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals. This one is a little bit complicated to me, as the definition of honor is to show respect, and both words seem more like actions instead of thoughts. To think about things that are honorable then, I guess would be having high morals, and not allowing yourself to indulge in thoughts of things otherwise. To stay away from thinking about having sex, even if you aren't actually doing it. To stay away from simmering in jealous thoughts, etc.

Right...
So don't think about things that are wrong. Haha. This covers a major spectrum of things, and to know the difference between right and wrong you must read the bible. The world has a different set of morals and rules, and it even differs between people, friends, and non-believers. So to think about things that are right, you must be putting the RIGHT stuff into your head. Not garbage. Not songs that are degrading women or talking about sex. Not movies, books, and tv shows where all morals are out the window.

Pure...
There are a lot of definitions for pure, and the one I think of most is: wholesome and untainted by immorality, especially that of a sexual nature. Easier said than done. I once heard it said that there's a difference between a thought that comes into your head that is inappropriate or bad and then changing your thought process or moving on, and letting it continue on and dwelling on it. They said it's like if a bird lands on your head, you shoo it off. But it's different if you let it stay and make a nest on your head. While thoughts can come without our wanting it to, that doesn't mean we have to let them suddenly take over. Another definition that I just saw though was this: without any extraneous and unnecessary elements; free of contamination. Ooh, contamination. Well that covers a gamut of things. But overall, the only way to purify our thoughts, is to constantly fight the battle. Praying and reading the bible are the way to do that. I have been in the middle of thinking about something bad and then said this verse above (Philippians 4:8) over and over in my head and prayed that God would help me.

Lovely...
Think about lovely things? Beautiful, pleasant, enjoyable are things that are used to define lovely. I think going over things I'm thankful for in my head would be considered lovely, and to think about events that have happened that I really enjoyed (like trips, time with friends, my mission trips to Kenya, etc). Like playing a movie back in my head, I can chose to think about things that God has done in my life and thank him for the beautiful things He has done, or I can think about things that have hurt me or that haven't been "fair," which puts me in bad mood and spirals into anger and a million other things.

Admirable...
This is another one I'm not totally clear on. It is a synonym of honorable; deserving respect and approval. Worthwhile is a synonym of admirable which is good... It's not worthwhile to worry and think about things that could go wrong, might go wrong, or even probably will go wrong.

Excellent...
Excellent is even better than good, it's like fantastic. If someone says, "How are you," and they say, "Excellent," then you know that things are going really, really well. I think this is close to lovely. Thanking him for things, and thinking about good things.

Worthy of praise...
Do I think about things that are worthy of praise? Not praise to me, like, "Hey, good job for thinking about that!" But me praising God. You know what is worthy of praise? The fact that God loves us and forgives us no matter how many times we sin. THAT is worthy of praise. Praise the Lord for His unending mercy and grace. Praise the Lord for His perfect timing. Praise the Lord for His guidance. Praise the Lord for Him saying no to the things we want that are not good for us, and saying yes to the things we need and are even better. These are things to think about and rejoice in!

All of the above is easier said than done at times! I think some people have an easier time at this than others. But one thing I've learned is that you can't just fight this battle every once in a while, you have to do it every day. You can't win a battle by fighting every once in a while, when the enemy is on the attack every single day. In the middle of a sermon - doesn't matter, satan can still attack. In the middle of reading the bible - doesn't matter, he can still attack. In the middle of listening to worship music - doesn't matter, he can't still attack. I've been amazed at how in the middle of reading the bible or listening to a worship song that I can completely stop and my thoughts are clouded with bad things, or I stop read or listening and go do something completely bogus. And then I'm like, "Woah, what? What just happened?"

It's a process. Since we have all fallen short of the glory of God, we will always face times when our thoughts are just way off from this verse. But I pray that God will show me more and more of how to fight this battle with an increasing amount of self-control.

Things I've Been Thankful For Lately

Things I've Been Thankful For Lately

- Today I went to a cool coffee shop in Atlanta! That was fun and I got some good pictures.
- My friends that came home from Slovakia (2 weeks felt a lot longer)
- My friend Joy who is home for a few weeks that I haven't seen in a year!!!
- I can't wait to go to Seattle for my cousin's wedding next month!!
- I've been reading some great books lately, fiction and Christian non-fiction
- I'm so thankful for my friend Nichole at work!
- Went to the pool and spent time with my friend Marissa last week
- Had lunch with my friend Tiffany last week
- I got this new face wash stuff that is literally 5 things, and within 60 days I should be seeing a huge difference. Started yesterday.
- I've had a few weeks off from working at the office job for Kenya stuff since they went to Kenya, which has been nice, but now they're back and I have a lot to do which is good because I need the money!
- Our newest shift at Starbucks, who transferred from another store a few weeks ago, I like her.
- There are a few other coworkers who I'm also thankful for who make me laugh!
- My church, Vertical Life Church and my bible study
- Little things like fresh peaches that my mom got from SC (we cut them up and they're in the freezer to be eaten whenever I want), good TV shows that I watch on my computer, good conversations with friends, pumpkin spice comes back soon at Starbucks, and more.
- God is good, all the time. He is the steady rock in the storm, the picture of perfect love, the counselor, the comforter, the healer.
- Spotify. It's the best things since sliced bread. Or chocolate, because chocolate is better.

If

Have you ever made up a scenario in your head where you move somewhere beautiful, rent a cute little house or townhouse or apartment, and what it would be like to start over in life? In a job, in a church, with friends, everything. My made-up scenario looks like this...

I would move to Charleston, SC. Now, this is a really bold thing to say for me because I've never even been there, and how do you move to a place you've never been? But all I've heard are wonderful things about the place, so I will at least visit some day soon. I want to be near the ocean, at least an hour's drive away some day. I would live in a brick townhouse or row house, with little steps up to the front door, and a sidewalk that takes me to the grocery store and Starbucks so I could walk every once in a while instead of driving everywhere. And maybe there would be a park across the street where I could sit and bask in the sun, and take pictures of the clouds. I would find a little church nearby, similar to what I'm going to right now, and join a new bible study. I'd go to the beach all the time, and get some great sunset pictures there. I'd have a new job that I loved (I wouldn't move there for a terrible job), and would invite friends over all the time. Maybe my job would be as a photographer, for events, so I would take pictures at events and fundraisers and would get paid to edit pictures not just in an office, but anywhere I wanted to. I would be friends with the baristas at the local coffee shop, or Starbucks. My neighbors would be crazy, but I'd tell them about God and love them anyways. Maybe one a few houses down would be a great family with a baby that I could hold whenever I wanted to, and another would be a single girl like me and we'd be best friends, and go grocery shopping together, and she would tell me all the great places to go around Charleston since I was new. When the fall came, I would walk around with a scarf and my long winter jacket, and I would drive to the nearest mountain (or set of mountains) and enjoy the scenery and the leaves. I would visit home at Christmas and a few other times a year, where I would enjoy catching up with old friends and tell them of my wonderful adventures in South Carolina. They would also come visit me when they wanted to. I would soon fall in love with someone in Charleston, and would get married on the beach, moving into a little house with a back porch swing, a Jacuzzi (after we save up), and it would be great.

The end.

To think that people actually move places and settle down into a life that is brand new completely blows my mind since I've lived in the same place since I was 6. To describe my current situation in that ever-so-perfect light as I did above would be difficult, but let me try it.... All of it will be true, but just put into a perspective of what someone else would see my life as looking in.

I live with my parents who have been married almost 30 years. I've lived in the same place for almost 20 years out of my 26 years of life. I moved out of the house for 2 years and rented a cute little house 20 minutes away, but then moved back home. My brother is away at college 45 minutes down the road. I live ten minutes from my amazing little church that meets in an elementary school. It's got about 150 people. I usually go to Starbucks every Sunday morning on my way, but if I'm running late then I go after. I have a lot of friends that go to my church, so I always know that I'll have someone to sit by, unlike most of the other church I'd been to. I've been to the same bible study for four years and they are some of the best people I've met in my life. Some have come and gone, and others have been there all four years. We meet in a house where three little kids run around, sit on their back porch swing, eat snacks, and learn more about the Lord. I work at Starbucks, where I see a lot of crazies, but also get to see my friends when they come in, and have made friends with people who I only originally knew as customers. I work with some people who I consider my friends. They make me laugh, they listen about my life, and we trek through the ups and downs of retail together. I can't walk anywhere from my house, but I have two beautiful parks to chose from that are 20ish minutes away. The city is about an hour away so I can enjoy the city life, or the North Georgia Mountains and tiny towns are an hour away as well. It's the perfect distance away from the city or the country. I get to go on random adventures as my money and time will allow me... I went to a condo at the lake in South Carolina with some of my closest friends recently. I am going to Seattle next month for my cousin's wedding. I am going on a retreat to the mountains somewhere I think, in November with my friends / leadership team with my bible study. I've been to Kenya and hope to go again next summer. Also, Charleston is up high on my list of places to go soon.

Mishmash

This will be a mishmash of things. So, carry on with the knowledge that these paragraphs aren't going to connect. :-)

It's funny how sometimes you can't use words to describe things. Feelings or events or people... you write what you can, but it just doesn't accurately describe it. Sometimes I write in my journal with as much as description as I can, so that when the memories fade from my mind I can re-read them to bring it back clearly. But sometimes I can only do so much.

I'm on the third book (of three) in a series called, "The Selection." I picked it up because it had a good cover. Skipping the summary of the plot, I will just say that there's a lot of romance and trying to figure out who likes who in these books. I almost stopped reading half way through the second one because of how incredibly cheesy they were, but at least they were clean since it's technically a young adults' book (but that doesn't always stop the writers). And the plot was enough to keep me going. But I read these things and laughed out loud thinking, "Nobody freaking says this! And if they do I've never heard of these thing said to other people." Let me give you some examples: "When you told me how you felt, I was so relieved that a part of me didn't believe it. I still have a hard time accepting it was real. You'd be surprised how infrequently I get something I truly want." "It's just the way it is. The sky is blue, the sun is bright, and Aspen endlessly loves America. It's how the world was designed to be. Seriously Mer, you're the only girl I ever wanted. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I've been trying to prepare myself for that, just in case, and... I can't." (Yes, Aspen and America are two of the characters names.) "'We're a mess, aren't we?' 'A big one.' 'Sometimes I feel like we're a knot, too tangled to be taken apart,' I nodded. 'It's true. So much of me is tied up in you. I feel kind of lost without you.'"

It's almost been a year since I've been at Vertical Life Church! Happy dance! I was telling my friend Joy about it on Sunday since she's been gone for a year. Recapping things that have happened in the past year feels like SO much (even though we've kept in touch about once a month), but when we talk about some things that were a year ago, it doesn't seem that long ago. Time passing is weird. And I've been at my bible study for 4 years. Now THAT has seemed like forever. :-) But that's so good.

I want to go to Charleston, SC soon. For real. Since I'm going to Washington for my cousin's wedding in September and probably a leadership retreat in October, the spring will be a better time to go. I think there would be some beautiful things to take pictures of in Charleston too. If I had to move any time soon, I'd move there I think.

Well, 5 million things are going on in my life right now...and likewise that much in my head. But the above writings have been fun, and I will probably go to bed soon. 2 AM is earlier for me than normal LOL, but on nights when my brain is full it's best to just go to bed instead of thinking so much.

He knows what is best for us

More from, A Jewel in His Crown, by Priscilla Shirer

"You see, the devil knows that if he can get you to strive for something that is not ordained for you, then inevitably you will not get it. When you don't get it, you will automatically think that there is something wrong with you. In actuality there is nothing wrong with you; it's just that the thing you are striving for is not something that God has called you to do, to be, or to have!"

"We want to have men who are not right for us. We want a job that is not meant for us. We want possessions that aren't appropriate for us. When we don't get these things, we are emotionally distraught, and this is exactly what satan wants. When we lose sight of Christ and put our sights on what we cannot have, we begin the process of being removed from the garden. When we want something that is not meant for us, we are distracted from those things that God wants us to have. Our goal must be to hear God's voice and trust Him to lead us. No matter what we want to do, to be, or to have, we must trust that He knows what is best for us."

Persistence

Book 3: The Power of Persistence, by Michael Catt

I read this in 2009.

"Note that Elijah never interpreted the delay as denial from God. He called out seven times before there was the slightest indication that rain was coming. Six times he heard, 'There is nothing.' Yet he never quit praying."

"Too much of our praying is crisis praying, and not enough of it is meant to maintain a nurture the relationship with our heavenly Father."



I didn't underline much in this book.

The story about Elijah praying for rain and it not raining until the 7th time he asked, whew, that is a cool but hard story.

Skimming back through books on prayer

I have 3 books about prayer that I have just pulled out. It's been a long time since I've read them, but I am going back now through the things I underlined.

Book 1: Discerning the Voice of God; How to Recognize When God is Speaking, by Priscilla Shirer

I read this in 2012. And I know this because at the end of the first chapter I wrote down major things I was praying for in 2012. Oh, and it was August 1, almost exactly 2 years ago from now. And God has said, "Not yet," or "No," to 4 out of 5 of those things. The last one is more of a work in progress throughout my whole life.

"I mean, come on, do you really think He loved you enough to die for you, but not enough to talk to you?"

"Expect the mercy of confirmation. Look for God's use of circumstances, Scripture, and other believers to confirm His direction in your life."

"The Holy Spirit was going out of His way to communicate the exact same message to me, over and over again, causing it to rind increasingly true within my heart a His voice spoke from inside and confirmed it outside."

"You'll know it's the voice of God when His persistent, personal word to you leaves you with a sense of peace and assurance all the way around."

"When a young Saul lost track of his donkey in the Old Testament, he had no idea that this inconvenience would lead him to the prophet who was to anoint him king over Israel."

"Rest in the knowledge that God has a plan for your current circumstances that were prepared before you were born."

Book 2: Handle With Prayer, by Charles Stanley

2011 was when this book was written, and I'm pretty sure I read it that year.

"Most of the time we pray, 'Get me out of here!' We want to avoid suffering and difficulty. When we do run into a trial or difficulty, we ask God to change our circumstances so we can serve Him better and love Him more. Most of us aren't that patient. We're more intent about getting out of our circumstances than we are on finding out what greater things God wants to show us. But the Father never allows difficulty just for the sake of difficulty - there is always a higher purpose involved."
BOOM.

"We are all interested in answered prayer, but our seemingly unanswered prayers have led many of us not to expect God to respond every time we pray. In fact, when a prayer is answered, we are surprised."

"God desires we seek His face, not just His hand."

"When we do not know what God thinks about our requests, we have a right to ask Him. When we pray without understanding, we aren't wasting our time, as satan would have us believe. Part of the Holy Spirit's task is to guide us into the truth of how we should pray. But He will only do this if we are praying."

I will get to the third book later, it's too late now, lol. But this was good stuff to go back and read, and think on tomorrow while I wash 7 hours of dishes. :-)