Giving God 99% of something still isn't all of it.

Giving God 99% of something still isn't all of it.

God said no a long time ago about something in my life, and I wasn't ok with it. I fought it. I prayed He'd change His mind. I heard Him say no, but it was a whisper in my life because I didn't want to hear it. There was a time when someone said, "Do you feel like there's a chance God said, 'just not right now?'" And I said, "I honestly don't know. It's like.. 50/50. Half of me feels like yes, it could still happen. Half of me says nope, it won't." That 50/50 tore me up. I tossed back and forth between feeling hopeful and hopeless. Happy and sad. I prayed one day as I sobbed, that God would push it to one side or the other, that I would no longer be at 50/50, even if it meant the biggest "no" there could possibly be. I asked Him to move mountains - this mountain. My mountain.

That day came. And this time it wasn't a whisper. It was with a force that I cannot explain. It was a million little signs and confirmations, spoken through circumstances, other people, and the bible. It was through books, sermons, research, articles, quotes... bam, bam, bam. And then, to top of all of those little things, then came the big thing. The "straw that broke the camel's back." Maybe to some people, without knowing the whole story, it wasn't a big deal. But to me, it was the last straw. I knew then, that God said absolutely not.

A few months pass, and I woke up with this thing on my mind today. It stayed all day, and I can't seem to shake it. Real past scenarios go through my head, as well as made up ones that have never - will never -happen. I drove home from work thinking, "What is up with this? Can't I just not feel any emotions towards this anymore since it's over?? Right?" I thought in my head... I'm still at 99% sure it will not happen, and 1% hopeful that it will. That realization made me so... confused. Is it just a spiritual attack, trying to hold me back from where God wants me? Is it just the consequences of sin that have left me somewhat a mess from it?

Abraham didn't give God 99% of an effort towards killing his one and only son. He was willing to give up what he loved the most... because He loved God even more. Yes, God stopped him, and no, I don't expect God to stop me, because I know He wants all of this, because He already told me so.

While this is vague (if anybody actually were to read this...which... I'm not sure anybody actually does but whatevs), I think this can apply to so many people, and so many different situations. Sometimes, most of the time, I don't know HOW to give something up to God! Sometimes there's not instructions on what to do after I feel like I gave it up, nor do I always realize when I take it back! I remember in high school there was a time when I was walking down the hall to my locker, and my books were heavy. I put books in my locker, but pulled more out to go to a different class. I thought about how sometimes, I put my burdens down before God, and then pick up different ones instead. In this case, it's me putting this down before God, and picking it up again every once in a while, or coming over and looking at it again as if it's ok that I just keep it nearby as long as I don't pick it up.

...no. Not ok.

I love analogies... and I know that Jesus spoke in parables all the time, which are like analogies! I thought about it in this analogy as well. It's like I've been in this room, and it's been good. But then it got bad. And someone came in and took everything out of it, so I'm standing in an empty room full of memories and good times... but it's simply and empty room now. And God said, "Go on, you can leave this room... you may be in the hallway a bit before I show you the next room, but you gotta leave this one first." And I said, "No. I want this room. I want you to fix THIS room, because it was good once, and it can be good again. I know You can fix this, I know all things are possible with You." And the ceiling started falling in, the walls started cracking, and the floor grew mold. I knew time was up. I said my last goodbyes and left the room. And I've stood in that hallway, not walking away, but just waiting outside the doorway looking in. It's not my room. It's not the one for me. And when someone else gets that room and God fixes it up for them, it's not my place to be jealous or sad or mad because... it's not mine. It's time I walk. I'm not even anxious to find the next room because I just don't feel like feeling anymore. I don't want to get excited about a room that isn't mine again, until I hear God directly say, "Go ahead. Go through this door." And He might have to push me, because I just don't feel like looking right now.

Me and God, sitting in the hallway. But He gets it. He knows. Just because we're on the way to what's best, doesn't mean the journey there isn't painful or sad at times. Just because I feel pain or sadness doesn't mean I did something wrong or I'm going the wrong direction or He doesn't care what's going on. And just because I think about that room with fond memories sometimes doesn't mean I just walked back into it. But I know today that I have just sat outside the room and moped.

Analogy aside, I'm not sure what that looks like, to walk on. But I am trying. And I'm listening for God's voice.