I was on facebook tonight when I came across something that knocked me down. I was suddenly flooded with anger, sadness, jealousy, bitterness, dread, fear, worry, stress... I don't even know the right words to explain the depth of pain that came over me. It didn't start from facebook, it started from something else, but this was a bigger reminder to me of how real it is, and a reminder of how things are quickly getting worse. I turned my facebook chat on to see if some of my closest friends were on, even at such a late hour, and they were. They were awake. But I just didn't feel like pouring this pain on them. I don't want to be redundant or have them be tired of me, and honestly I know I'm not looking for advice from them but for peace and a solution and these awful feelings to be taken away from me. That doesn't come from my friends. I am thankful and blessed for friends who listen to my pain when it comes, and I am always willing to listen to theirs without hesitation. But there comes a time when I know that I'm not just looking for a friend to listen to me, or even tell me they are praying for me because I already know they are.
And so I started to journal. Four pages in, I stopped and went to the bible. On my bible app, I see when my friends I've added have highlighted something and the first one a friend highlighted that showed up was, "The name of the LORD is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe. (Proverbs 18:10 NLT)" So I ran to Him to be safe. I randomly decided to read 1 Peter, and all 5 chapters were like putting aloe vera on a sunburn. I read it quickly because I was reading with thirst, and then went back a second time to read them all again a bit slower. I am standing at the bottom of a mountain and its magnitude scares me. The possibilities of its terrain, what could be on the mountain, how I could be hurt on the way... I don't want to continue on this journey, on this path, because I just want to chose a different way where this mountain is not in my way. I have tried over the past few weeks to abandon this path, but one thing after the other leads me back and I feel like God is saying, "No, I want you here. Let's keep going."
When the bible says, "Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth," (Colossians 3:2), I am reminded to view my life through the eternal perspective. Sitting up in heaven, talking to God about my life, what will it look like as we review this time in life? What kind of questions will I ask? What will He reveal to me that was going on that I had no idea about? What things am I going through that is actually bringing glory to Him and being a witness to those around me that I don't even know? How does God want me to act in different situations or seasons in life, and if I know it, am I doing it? It puts me in an airplane, looking down on the mountain that suddenly looks so small and God reminds me of His greatness. It seems like a short amount of time in the airplane sometimes, before I am overwhelmed by the mountains in my life, but God lives inside of me and I know He is with me in the journey. He is the one that will fill me with peace, not from this world but from Him.
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell Go what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
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