Relationships, dating, and marriage

Tonight I went to the young marrieds’ bible study and asked them questions about relationships, dating, and marriage. We had an awesome series on relationships at our single’s bible study that wrapped up a few weeks ago and only a few in our group is married. I wanted to go and ask these people who are already married for some of their insight, advice and wisdom as well!  There were 18 people there, with 3 being married for a longer amount of time, and a couple who also gets married this week! Some had babies and some had no kids. Even after my last question they continued to talk and remembered things to add to previous questions, so I got an hour full of awesomeness! When I quote someone, I will try to write it as close to what they said as possible – some things will be easier to write in the way they said it themselves. Thanks to everybody who was there!

I have friends who are engaged, in relationships, dating, and single, and this is for you all as much as myself! I asked these questions for my friends, and to look at myself to see if there is anything I should change in myself, as well as things to look for in the future.

1. “How do you argue? Do you shut down and need time before talking about it, do you want to have it out right then, do you need time to collect yourself… and what do you do when the other person deals with conflict differently?”

A common theme was that girls wanted to talk it out in detail, and guys just wanted to say sorry and move on. One guy said that he would think they were done talking about it, but then she would need to keep talking about it, so it took time to realize they needed to do that. She said it helped so that the same argument didn’t happen again in the future. One couple said, “We argue right then and there and then we leave it in the past and don’t bring it back up. That’s important.” People said that it was important to learn the other person’s personality when they were stressed out and they got in arguments, and that both had to change a little for that. One guy said, “Sometimes your expectations of the other person is what causes arguments, even in small things, and you have to talk about it. Like if I expect my wife to always take the trash out because she’s supposed to be the one in the kitchen, and then I have to take it out and I’m mad about it but don’t say anything, it just stirs up anger that doesn’t come up until later.” One girl said that even if you need time to think about something or cool down, never go to bed angry because in the morning you’re up and off to work, and the “immediate takes over the important.” She said that girls should be forward and communicate well not just in arguments but all the time, because guys need things spelled out sometimes and need things said directly – all the guys cheered in agreement. Haha.

2. “Did you have specific things in dating that helped you not go too far physically?”

One of the guys started off by saying that with girlfriends before his wife, they had made specific rules for themselves like not staying out past 10:00 or whatever, but then sure enough they would be out past 10, and even though they hadn’t done anything wrong they would feel bad about it. He said sometimes there were important rules to be made if you knew something was a struggle for one or both of you, but sometimes you couldn’t make too many “rules” or else it wouldn’t really help. He also said that he thought about how he would want his future daughter to be treated by a guy, would he want a guy treating her the way he was treating his girlfriend? One girl said that her now husband said that they didn’t say I love you until they were engaged. Not a rule that they felt like everybody had to follow, it’s just one they decided to do together. They said that they always tried to remember that first and foremost, they were brothers and sisters in Christ, and he said, “I want to be closer to the Lord after this if we don’t get married. I want to leave you as a better person, not a broken person.” I think that is so great! They said that your boundaries will change from when you first start dating, to serious dating, to being engaged, to being married. And that’s ok that they change.

3. “Was there anything important to you, or something you did in your past, that you didn’t tell the other person until you were engaged or married? How quickly did you get to know them and are there things you shouldn’t share with them while you are dating?”

One girl said that when she knew she wanted to marry her now husband, but they hadn’t talked about it yet, her mom gave her books to read about marriage and one was a book of questions to ask before you get married, like how you were disciplined as a child, how you dealt with money, etc. They each got one and filled it out on their own time, and then switched books to read what the other wrote, and highlighted things they wanted to talk about which created good discussion. One of the women said, “What you can’t do in that is say, ‘What? You think this? That’s wrong / stupid.’ There are some things you will differ in, but there are some things that will show you red flags.” They said how it was really fun to answer the questions and talk like that. Another couple said they started off long distance immediately, for several months living in different states. He said they wrote letters back and forth because their conversations through texting weren’t as deep, and they wanted to get to know each other better. He said it also allowed them to get to know each other without any physical contact, and they were able to focus on the desire to get to know each other and not just get distracted by the physical things. He said you could still do that even if you lived near each other!

One girl said that about once a month they had a “check-in” time to see how things were going, what they could do better, what to work on, etc. The first few times were great and like, “Everything’s great! You’re perfect,” but then there were things they had to change and discuss. She said you have to be really willing to hear it and take in it though, because sometimes she would be upset about something he would say got on his nerves or that wasn’t going well, but it was really helpful in the long run. She said that way, you knew what was bothering the other person and could work on it while you were both calm instead of waiting until it was a huge deal and then blowing up in the moment. Another girl said that despite all of that good intention, when you are living under the same roof as someone and you’re tired and had a long week, you still have disagreements even over something as small as someone not changing the toilet paper, or whether or not the toilet paper should go over or under.

4. “What were red flags to you as you were dating? What was big enough to not continue (or start) a relationship with someone?”

A guy said, “I asked God to let me see their heart before their face.” He said he really looked to see how a girl loved people, including strangers, because that would show him how she would love his friends and family who she hadn’t even met yet, and that if she loved others well, then she had a kind heart. If she didn’t love others well, that was a red flag. Another guy said it had to be someone who his parents liked. People said that if your closest friends were hesitant about a guy and you tried to justify, “Well you just don’t know him like I do,” then that was a red flag. They said that love is truly blind sometimes, and you need to listen to the advice and wisdom of your close friends and family. Pushing physical boundaries – red flag. Pornography – red flag. If their goal in dating is not marriage – red flag. A girl said that sometimes even though you know a guy through church, that doesn’t always mean that they are ready to be in a relationship or ready to lead or be sacrificial. She said that constant arguing or conflict is a red flag, that it doesn’t go away when you get married but is harder and magnified. One guy said that he looked for someone who could still be his “buddy” in the sense that it’s important to be able to hang out and do nothing or silly things because there are times when life is busy and not all that fun but if you’re still able to enjoy the other person’s company then that’s important. Another guy said her sense of humor had to match his because he was always joking around and sarcastic, and if a girl thought it was stupid or annoying, then that just wouldn’t go well. So his wife is able to roll her eyes and laugh, be sarcastic back, or go along with it. Another guy said a good relationship with their family was important to him, although he knew that some people weren’t able to control that, like if their family wasn’t a Christian and they shunned that person because they were a Christian.

5. “While you were dating, did you hang out with someone of the opposite sex, just the two of you, even if it was out in public? And now that you are married, how do you deal with situations where that arises as far as how you communicate with others or what you do if you’re forced into a situation like that through work? What kind of boundaries do you have in that?”

One girl said, “Sometimes you obviously have to text or talk to someone of the opposite gender, whether it be through work or through church stuff. But when I do, I tell my husband that we did and what we talked about. And that’s ok.” They all said how important it was that you didn’t talk to someone of the opposite sex about your marriage, because that was none of their business, and you bond emotionally when you complain about your girlfriend or wife to another girl. A guy said how it was so important not to talk bad about each other to others behind each other’s backs. A guy said how a lot of times affairs start with small things like an emotional bond. At the same time, it’s important to stay in community, not get rid of all your friends, and talk about what’s going on in your marriage or relationship with a group of people, like that bible study, or with someone of the same gender. They said that if you’re dating someone who only wanted to spend time alone with you and not in groups of people, that wasn’t a good thing. It’s important to not only keep friends close, but also to see how they treat other people and how they behave with your friends. The girls said that even when a guy complimented them at work, like, “You look nice today!” they told their husbands just because that’s what they did. But that if it was a guy constantly complimenting them, that was a red flag and they needed to be careful – one girl said that might seem extreme, but it’s just something that led them to be on guard. Another guy said to avoid even the appearance of evil! If you and someone of the opposite gender are in the same room just watching the Braves and nothing else, the only thing people know or see is that you’re in a house with the doors closed and that’s it. Even though you might not be doing something wrong, it’s not even good to go there. One girl said that she used to have a lot of guy friends but when she started dating her husband she told them all that she wasn’t going to be hanging out with them one-on-one because it was saying, “I care enough about you to not cause any issues in that area.” It avoids all question or jealousy by just putting that out of the picture. She said, “Also, texting is more secretive than you think. Even though you might not be texting about something that is a big deal, you should be careful. You should always be respectful, open, and honest with your significant other in what conversations you have with the opposite gender, even in texting.” One girl said that through her job, there were times she had to ride in the car with her boss who is a guy, and it was unavoidable, but she always told her husband when that happened.