I hope when I'm married...

We're in a relationship series with bible study right now, and tonight was about dating and marriage. So excuse me for a moment while I talk about what I hope my future marriage looks like. 

I hope we play games together. Video games, card games, board games. Just us two, or with friends. On the same team or opposing. I hope we go cool new places together, and travel places (that aren't too expensive) like cabins in the mountains, Savannah Georgia, Islands of Adventure, stay in a real tree house overnight somewhere, and fun new places in Atlanta. I hope that we read books together so we can talk about them and learn new things together. I hope we have friends over for parties at holidays and birthdays or random Friday nights, and also invite single people over because we won't exclude them. I hope we still go on dates when we're married, and sit in coffee shops together. I hope we go on marriage retreats together. I hope we laugh until we cry, we take a million pictures of our lives but don't have to share them with everybody on social media, and we can tell each other jokes. I hope we will still hand write letters to each other after we're married. 

I hope we serve the Lord together, both in church and outside of church. I hope we can make meals for people who just had a baby or just came home from the hospital, and give them gift cards and and bring them things they need. I hope we go on mission trips together, in the US and overseas. I hope we help with all ages of the church at some point in life - elementary school kids, middle schoolers, high schoolers, college age, young singles, young married couples and more. I hope we always receive and seek out great advice and knowledge from those older and farther along in life than us, and then continuously pour that back out to others. I hope we read the same books of the bible at times (but not always), and study them together, and bring our different thoughts and perspectives to the table. I hope we further the Kingdom of God more together than we did apart. I hope we can hold each other accountable to things, help each other reach goals together, and fight the battles of life together. 

I hope that we communicate well, and argue well. I hope we apologize well and become more selfless. I hope that we can always encourage each other, and that he learns to lead well and I learn to follow well. I hope that we can give each other constructive criticism when needed. I hope I can learn to show him love the best with his love language, and that he will learn to love me the best based on mine, even if they are different. 

I hope that some day I read this again when I've been married for a few years and say, "Yes! I'm so glad this actually happened." 

The good things in my life

Perspective is important. Seeking out what is good in your life is important. Talking about the good stuff more than the bad stuff is important. So here is what is good in my life right now.

My church, Vertical Life Church, is in a new building, and it's so great! It already feels like "home." Starting next week we will have a Wednesday night dinner every 6 weeks, and have 5 weeks of a class on Wednesday night. The first one will be about how to study the bible, and I'm excited about it! I look forward to learning more, and hopefully getting to spend time with more people in the church than those I already know. The music is always good on Sunday mornings, the sermons are always great, and I enjoy getting to talk to people before and after instead of having to help take things down like we did at the elementary school we were previously meeting in.

Bible study has been good. I have been with the same bible study for 5 and a half years. I have learned more about the bible, as well as more about myself through being on leadership. I have learned in the past year that I enjoy planning, but am not good at planning with other people or letting other people take the lead because I'm nervous that they will forget something or not get something done. I have learned that I see a lot of details in things, and therefore it gives me anxiety, so it's both a gift and a curse. I've learned that I do better planning with one or two other people, like for small groups. I've learned that I like to do things as soon as possible so that there is time to prepare, let people plan things in their schedule, and so that I don't forget.... but not everybody is like that. I've learned that I want to talk to everybody in the room on Thursday nights, but sometimes I can't, and that even if I did, the conversations might be too short to have done much good. I've learned that it's not my fault if someone stops coming, as if I didn't try hard enough to include them or love them, because sometimes they need to put effort forth too and they didn't, or it's a different reason entirely.

I have some great people in my life right now, people who enrich my life greatly. They have different perspectives and gifts and talents that they share with me, and I with them. They give input and opinions an advice into my life. They challenge me, help me grow, and inspire me to be a better person. We play games, talk about God, serve together, and learn together.

I'm reading some good books right now, there are new songs and albums I'm loving on spotify, and I've got some good tv shows I'm watching. Cadburry eggs are out and I love them.

My relationship with God has been going well. I have been spending a lot more time in prayer - some of it I type out - and have been hearing Him more. I have memorizing scripture for the first time. I have some memorized because I've read it so much, or I can summarize it but not quote it, or I know it from learning it as a song when I was little.

I have moved my work schedule to mostly 10-6. It's been good, but my sleep schedule has not caught up yet!! It frees up my nights to go to events without having to ask off from work (like a worship night, birthday parties, bonfire nights, Wednesday night classes at church, etc), and I can now have dinner with people that I couldn't before because of their work schedule. And 10:00 is still late enough that if someone wanted to get breakfast, I could have an early breakfast with someone. At work I spend half my shift with the morning people, and half of it with the night people, instead of 8 hours with the same people. That's nice too. It's less dishes. It's more floating from place to place to cover people's breaks, instead of being stuck in one place for the entire time.

Thankful

Things I've been thankful for lately...

-There hasn't been much drama at work recently. There's a calm in the storm.
-I'm thankful for my boss and friend, Danielle
-It's been so nice having two of my friends, Jessica and Jonah, be at Starbucks almost every day, to talk to them on my breaks and get to know them more
-I wasn't at my church on Sunday, VLC, because I went somewhere else, and I really missed VLC. I missed being there. I'm so glad that we have a building now instead of meeting at an elementary school
-I'm thankful for the people at VLC and bible study
-I'm thankful for my pastor, Brad, and his good sermons
-Settlers of Catan. It's a fun game, and I enjoy when I get time to play games with friends
-I've been around a lot of people at work and church who have been sick, really sick, and I've managed not to be sick yet!! I've usually had a round of sickness by now - I usually lose my voice every fall, and I didn't!
-The fact that we can have constant communication with God!

Middle school: the terrible years

(Things in bold are my comments now.)


April 2001 - 7th grade

In 5 years from now…

I’ll be 17, almost 18. I’ll be in my last year of High School. I will be driving and hopefully have my own car. I will be looking for a college. I will have dated a lot, and kissed some. (Nope, neither by 18.) Chris will be 13. Hopefully I’ll still be friends with Sara Volkodav. (We were best friends from 2nd -9th grade, but were only acquaintances by 18.) I will enjoy everything at home and with my family, and at church and at youth group. Because if I go to a college where I live there, I’d never live at home again, (Well, I'm living at home now.) and never do goofy games and fun activities in youth group.

In 10 years from now…

I’ll be 22, almost 23. I’ll probably be almost getting my bachelor’s degree in collage. I’ll be close to becoming a teacher. (Yes... but then not teach.) Chris will be 18, and will be in his last year of high school. Mom and Dad will be 50. (Ha, ha, ha!) I’ll be maybe thinking about someone to marry – but then again as slow as I am now with stuff like that, I may not even be close. (Well. Called that one.)

In 15 years from now…

I’ll be 27, and be finished with school. I’ll have my own house in Georgia, (Nope) where I can still go to Mars Hill Presbyterian Church. (Thankfully no) Chris will be 23, and in college hopefully. (He was, but not anymore.) Mom and Dad will be 55. I will be a 2nd or 3rd grade teacher, (I'm not) and I’ll have a great group of kids, and be having lots of fun. I’ll be getting close to getting married if I haven’t already. (I'm not married. Not close either.)

In 20 years from now…

I’ll be 32! I’ll be married, and possibly have one kid. (I really hope it’s a cute girl.) I’ll still be teaching. (I won't be.)  Hopefully I’ll still be living in Georgia. (I don't really care if I am or not.) Chris will be 28, probably married, maybe almost with a kid. Mom and Dad will be 60 and probably grandparents. Dave and Dad will do my wedding and I’ll have a cute little flower girl. (Lol, Dave was my youth pastor who ended up going into the military. He won't be doing my wedding.) I will read back at this when I’m 17, 23, and 27 and laugh probably at how different it is. (Yep, got that right.) Oh, and here’s how I want my house: with 2 stories, and bright painted walls. Well, whatever I do, and wherever I am in 20 years, I know the Lord will be in control. (That He is!)

March 2002 - 8th grade

Only Me

“Get with partners,
No more than three.”
But I have no partner
It’s only me.
 
They sit there and talk
About everything they own
And everything in the world
While I sit alone.
 
I’m invisible,
All day
Unnoticed.
Not a single word I say.
 
Sometimes I feel
Like I’m watching TV,
I watch and listen
But I don’t act I just see.
 
I’m running out of patience
There’s something I want to be
Something different, but
It’s only me.
 

 
Invisible

Sometimes I look in the mirror

To make sure I’m still there
Sometimes I feel invisible
It’s not fair.
 
Someday I want to be important
Be known and be seen
And not have to be known for something like
Dying my hair green.
 
I wonder what it’s like to be
Someone who’s always “there.”
I am always invisible
It’s not fair.
 
Do you have any idea
How much it can hurt?
Of course you don’t,
You’re not treated like dirt.
 
How long will this go on?
Maybe 100 years.
I wonder if by then
I will run out of tears.

 

Journaling

I have journaled since I was 7, but more regularly starting when I was 10. And it's all hand written. I'm talking like once a week. So I have SO many journals... and it's time I type them up and save them to my external hard drive, and somewhere in a cloud in case my hard drive were to die one day. Maybe I'll throw some of them away after I type it up, to give me more space in my room. But overall, it's time I look back at what God has done in my life. The things He taught me that I may have already forgotten. I want to see what I prayed for, and how God answered that. I want to look at the uncomfortable parts of my life and say, "THANK YOU GOD those are over."

I decided to do this, and have been procrastinating. Tonight I went to look for my journals starting from 6th grade and I can't find them. Lol. That's how many I have, and they are in many different parts of my room because they don't all fit in one place. In 2007, I went through all of my middle school journals and typed up most of the good stuff (unless there were big chunks of it, like a whole trip that was good that I'd keep), and then threw away those journals, including a lot of the bad stuff. I can't believe it's already been 9 years since I did that!!

One thing that is weird though - since about August of 2015, 5 and a half months now, I've only written about 4 times. I'm not sure why. I used to have the deep need to write down lengthy conversations I had with people, feelings, events, anger, frustrations, prayers, things that made me happy... That after about two weeks I'd HAVE to write. Like life couldn't go on without it. So to only have written about 4 times since August... I don't know what's up with that. I've obviously still written on my blog, written to friends, and taken a lot of pictures that captured things that happened in life.

Over time, as I type up these journals, I'm going to post some things on this blog about it.

Praying

I was thinking back to what I was praying for fiercely last year at this time... and some of it is exactly the same thing I'm praying for fiercely now. And I thought, well what good was that? I didn't see any results from that time last year, or from praying about it during all of 2015. But it's hard to say that a time of prayer is unfruitful, because it could have just been fruit I didn't see. It could have been something that God did in my own heart that changed, or even in other people's hearts that I didn't see. It could have protected me from bad situations or circumstances or choices. It could have helped things go smoothly or beautifully or peacefully, that I was unaware that those things were the outcomes of my prayers.

And so, round two. Or three. Or ten. I heard the bell ding, sounding off for the fight to begin, and I just want to sit down and stop for a breath. And by that I mean I want to not turn on my phone or computer for a week, not go to work, and stay in my room for a week, with nothing to do but read Christian non-fiction, read the bible, and pray. Because my goodness, there's a war out there. Between me, my friends, and my family, there's some craziness going on that needs some serious prayer. On top of that, there's some craziness going on in my heart and head that also needs some serious prayer. My room is like a bomb shelter, and I just want to stay here. But I also feel like praying has been a fight. I come day after day to pray, to listen, to let go. But I feel like I can't pray enough. I'm saying the same things over and over again, and saying, "God! This is so important! How can I say it in a different way? It's heavy on my heart. It's weighing on my mind. It's deep in my bones. It's constantly in my thoughts. It's consistently fighting to dominate my emotions. Please, do something."

I have two things that I've prayed for as long a I can remember, and that I will pray for the rest of my life until God answers it or takes away that desire completely. But recently two more have arose. And they have equally become something I want to pray for until God answers, even if that means the next 10 years.

I imagine God sitting on this huge, golden, sparkling throne, with Jesus sitting at the one on His right hand side, and I'm all like, "Hey! Mind if I pull up my camping chair?" So I awkwardly unfold a chair that looks like it has been overused and might be slightly off balance where you can shift your weight and the chairs moves back and forth, and plop down to have a conversation. And I tell Him what's on my heart, and wait for a response. And sometimes I imagine someone I'm praying for walking up with their camping chair and putting it next to mine and saying, "Hey! What's up! What are you praying about?" "You!" and then having them join in with me to talk to God about the same thing.

It takes time

I just posted a post before this one, describing the book I just got. Go read that one first. 

I'm only on page 47 right now, but it's good so far. 

"It takes time to grow into Jesus the Vine; do not expect to abide in Him unless you will give Him that time. It is not enough to read God's Word, and when we think we have hold of the thoughts and have asked God for His blessing, to go out in the hope that the blessing will abide. No, it requires day-by-day time with Jesus and with God." 

"You did well to come; you do better to abide. Who would, after seeking the King's palace, be content to stand in the door, when he is invited in to dwell in the King's presence and share with Him in all the glory of His royal life? Oh, let us enter in and abide and enjoy to the full all the rich supply His wondrous love has prepared for us!" 

I was driving down the road the other day, thinking about how frustrated I was by feeling like I rarely heard God say yes, or no, or later... and wondered how anybody was ever sure of what God said. I thought, how simple that is, right, to hear a yes, a no, or a later? And then I thought oh... maybe I am boxing God in. Maybe those answers are too simple. Maybe God says no to getting a specific job, but in the process of going through the interviews I end up meeting someone who helps me get a different job? That had I known God said no before, I wouldn't have even tried to go to the interview? And to the things I'm asking God "why" about, not just the answer of yes or no, do I expect it to be so basic and clear but it's really far more complex? 

Like, "God, I know you don't want me to go to Kenya again this year, I can tell, but... why?" The answers could be unlimited. He could say, "The next time you go to Africa, I want it to be with your future husband." or "You're about to get a job that wouldn't let you go to Kenya this year, and I didn't want you to get your hopes up. But you'll go again some day." or "I have so much for you to do here right now, during the time that the others are going to Kenya. It's just not the right time." 

When Murray said it takes time to grow with Jesus, it's so true. If I only come to God with requests, and not also coming to just seek God Himself, then I may not hear so well. And just being in His presence and learning more about Him instead of constantly asking for specific things or asking, "But why?" is something I need to work on. Like that phase kids go through... "It's time for bed." "Why?" "Because you need to sleep." "Why?" "So that you can wake up well tomorrow and feel all better." "Why?" "Because God made us that way!!" "Why?" ......... I don't want to be "that kid" to God. 

This big, ugly, fantastic book

I went to Lifeway Christian Bookstore the other day, and usually I end up having to stop looking because I can't buy any more, and if I look anymore then I will just buy more. I didn't go in looking for anything specific, but as I began to look, I was really unsatisfied with everything I saw. I also read Kyle Idleman's newest book called, "The End of Me" about the sermon on the mount, how everything the world says is the opposite of what Jesus says we should be. But I struggled to finish it, because it was predictable for me. As I looked at the books in Lifeway, I could look at most of the titles and know what they were about. How to not be too busy. How important it is to rest on the sabbath. How to manage your money in a Godly way. How to be a good mom/ wife. The importance of loving people. The importance of church. The importance of reading the bible. It's like... I get it, I know how I'm supposed to live and what I'm supposed to do, it's just the matter of doing it. And I'm tired of reading books about it.

I was somewhat sad, because how do you find books that are good then, if you don't want to read predictable Christian non-fiction? I walked over to the "Classics" section, which is really tiny, and the books are mostly facing out because that takes up more space than having them all lined up by the spine. There was a huge, ugly, brown book sitting there, but I know I've heard the name Andrew Murray before, so I picked it up. First I checked the price - only $30 - and it was 7 books in one. It said, "Collected Works on Prayer," on it. The books were titled "Abide in Christ, The Prayer Life, Waiting on God, With Christ in the School of Prayer, The Ministry of Intercession, The Secret of Intercession, and Prayer Guide." 925 pages.

Listen, I've read all the Harry Potter books, Twlight, Hunger Games, and Divergent books. Some of them were HUGE, especially the later Harry Potter books, so 925 pages sounds long, but if I can read all those other books, then this is not too big.

Anyways, when I read those titles I was like, "YES. THIS ONE." Because I have thought, "What does it really mean to abide in Christ?" And I don't know much about intercessory prayer, or what that really means. The cashier joked, "Oh, doing some light reading?" So now I have this big, ugly book sitting on my bookshelf, and I'm stoked to read it.

I've started reading it. But you know what else has happened since I got it? I've fallen asleep when I could have been reading it. I've wasted too much time on the internet. The other night I was looking at something on imdb and decided I wanted to rate every movie and tv show I have ever watched that I could ever remember. It took me a few hours, and then I wasn't finished but I had to go to bed. What the heck. It's my flesh fighting against my desire for the Lord. It's annoying. What is it about humans that makes us want the Lord, but let ourselves be so distracted as well?

It's a vicious cycle - to have the fruit of the spirit, which includes patience and self-control, you have to be actively IN the spirit. So when you want it but don't have it, you have to have it to go get more of it. Or something.