This past weekend was my retreat! It was great. I was by far the youngest, but that was ok because everybody was so nice, loving, encouraging, etc. I met women from all walks of life with all different life stories. There were a few people I met that I immediately clicked with - just the kind of people you like the minute you meet them and wish you could see them every day of your life. :-) Someone said to me, "You are young, beautiful, and smart. Oh to be young, beautiful, and smart again! Guess I'll just settle for beautiful and smart." :-)
While on the retreat there were specific times for breaks to use the bathroom, just so that it didn't interrupt speakers and stuff going on, and you never realize how often you go to the bathroom until you only try to go at specific times! One time I had to go but I didn't want to interrupt a speaker so I just about died while waiting, and then stopped drinking as much. Ha.
One of the things I got out of the weekend was from a story I'd heard many times, but it hit me in a different way this time. One of the pastors talked about the story were Mary and Martha called for Jesus to come who was in a nearby town, because Lazarus was sick. But Jesus purposely waited until he died to go there. When Jesus arrived Martha said, "If you had been here, my brother would not have died." She had called for him to come and he didn't. And she was upset that he could have come and didn't. But Jesus didn't just want to heal Lazarus, he wanted to raise him from the dead and he told the disciples, "So then he told them plainly, 'Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.'" He didn't want to just "fix" a situation, he wanted to show that he could do so much better than that. The pastor said how we pray for things and God doesn't come, doesn't show up, doesn't answer our prayer, and we see it as a dead situation, but that God could be waiting for the moment to step in and do something so much bigger than what we're asking for to show that He can do better. That was one of the talks that was important to me because of so many unanswered prayers or "no" that God has given me.
We talked about forgiveness and the story about how a master forgave the debt of a servant who owed like a million dollars that he could not possible pay back in his life, and then that man went to another man and demanded him to pay back something small like ten dollars and when he couldn't, he was thrown in jail. The master found out and was so upset. We are the one who owes Jesus so much debt because of all our sins, yet he let us go FREE! And then when we can't forgive someone else, it's a tiny amount comparatively. Also, the pastor said how we feel like we've forgiven someone, but then later we think about it again or hurt by it again and think that means we didn't really forgive them. But that's not true. It happened, so the thoughts may still come back sometimes, and it can still hurt. But it is what you do to act upon that thought. If you allow it to ruin your day, continue to dwell on it over and over, wish ill on someone else, etc. then that is when you haven't really forgiven them.
One talk was about the difference between just reading the bible and actually studying it. Studying it is so important. I think a majority of the time I just read it instead of studying it. When you study it, you need other resources such as books that help give background information on the story or times / traditions, reference books, devotional books, other translations, etc. and you write about it, ask questions about it, and more. It is less about how much you read and more about what you learn from it. It is a practice I'd really like to do more.
In my 10 weeks of no work, I feel as if I've still not been wise with my time. Someone in my small group at bible study tonight has a job she's not thrilled with and wants a career / full time job, as I am looking for one too, and she said, "I feel as if I'm not doing well with the little that I have, so why would God give me more? I want to prioritize better and do better with my time and money." Ah, me too! God's given me a precious gift that most people want: time. Time to do whatever He asks me without hindrance of a job, a husband, kids, or anything like that. Yet I haven't had many quiet times, studied the bible, or served. I feel at a loss of where to serve. I feel at a loss of what exactly to do with my time.
Monday night I couldn't sleep and I thought of a friend who needed prayer. I started praying, and it's been a long time since I prayed that hard. I was no where near sleep, so I prayed fervently for 30 minutes for this person. I prayed big. I didn't just pray for things to "work out" or for things to get better "over time" - I prayed for God to use His power to change the situation immediately. Maybe I don't pray enough for that. Maybe I don't have enough faith because I'm afraid if I pray for the big things and God doesn't answer that it will be as if He let me down, whereas if I pray for the smaller things that could potentially happen without God's power in the situation, that I won't feel let down or discouraged. But I stepped out and prayed hard. I must admit - I wanted it to be something that God literally did RIGHT THEN. As if I would hear from the person the next day that things were completely changed and they felt it happen right then as if they were shocked by static. But there was no big thing. I'm still praying and trusting God has a hand in it, and I am still praying for bigger works than just something mere humans can do.
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