Not it

I think sometimes I have to write for me to really get through things. And sometimes I feel like God speaks to me through writing, and when I'm done writing I feel better. Like, "Ohhh, now I get it," when I write, whereas I didn't arrive to the same conclusion as when I just thought about it.

Some things I wrote today in my journal helped. It's not something that I always remember either, so it's always good to come back to it at times. This is what I wrote (with a few things edited for this blog):

When I spend time with / talk to / IM with a guy who I'm not in a relationship with, it could be someone else's husand. I've thought about this before, we've talked about it when I was in high school, but as I SEE it happen as people get married, it sinks in more. It's not fair to that person's future wife, to him, to me, or my future husband. So it's not fair to FOUR people, not just me or him. I'm not saying I can never speak to guys, but I'm talking about long, in depth conversations, and hours of time. While some people may be ok with it, I'm not. I don't want to marry somebody who has tons of close girl friends that he shares his heart with. When I really like a guy who is not interested in me, I almost have to pretend in my head that he is already married, that he is off limits. Now it may seem extreme to some people, and some people don't get it. That's ok. For me it makes me stay away from that guy so that I'm not e-mailing and IMing him and sitting there waiting for him to change his mind. And jealousy is a terrible thing that doesn't just sneak up on you, but hits you full on in that exact moment. It's not a slow feeling that comes over you, it's an immediate feeling. It's a bitter and angry feeling. Part of it comes from the thought that I want to be the one he is giving attention to. That I want it to be me. So if the thought process is "well he's not going to be my husband anyways" then I am then freed from the thought that it should be me. And if for some reason I am ever wrong in the future, I will at least have spared myself from jealousy for that time and God will work things out as needed.

I also need to realize- my future husband could be somewhere else, at another bible study and church, serving, and praying for me, his future wife. Maybe he's praying that I don't get wrapped up in tons of guys, that I will be emotionally pure for our marriage. That's what I will pray for him. That he will have very little relationship baggage and that he will be as pure as possible not only physcially but emotionally. If he has somehow prayed that about me, God is answering his prayer. I will also pray that if he has been in a two year, three year relationship that will not end in marriage, I pray he gets out. If he is struggling physically with whoever he's in a relationship with or maybe not even in a relationship with at all, I pray he gets out. If he is lonely and just settling, I pray he stays strong enough to stay single. If it is 10 years until we get married, I pray that his relationships until then are only there to show him that I'm it when the time comes.

And lastly...I know that marriage is not what will make all problems go away, make me happy all the time, or be what finally makes life worthwhile. Someone in their late 40's once told me, "A Godly marriage is the best thing under heaven." And I was like, "That's awesome!" and I believe her still. But I also hear people who have great marraiges and are still honest in saying that it's hard and not this perfect cloud that just helps you sail through life.