false

Sometimes I feel like I'm ok with God saying no, and I move along ok, and then suddenly something happens or I just have a moment when I'm not ok with it. I get mad, upset, jealous, hurt, confused. I watch others get what I specifically asked for and the jealousy burns within me. God's reasons for saying no to anything I ask for or want are endless, beyond my comprehension. Sometimes, like Job, it's simply because He is God and we aren't to understand His decisions. Sometimes it's because He has something better for us. And sometimes we'll never know. I wish that I was more ok with God's "no"s in life. I wish that after a while I wouldn't want that anymore, but even after God says no I still have the want and desire a lot of times. It doesn't go away. And so that makes it worse. I feel like my brain gets it a lot of times, but my heart doesn't. And my heart usually wins, especially when it comes to emotions.

I also know that satan is right there trying to discourage me and lie to me. "You shouldn't even pray because God's just going to say no to everything you ask for, especially if you REALLY want it." "You're not good enough to get that." "You're too ______ for God to say yes to that." "God doesn't give you what you ask for because you don't pray enough / read the bible enough / serve enough / have enough faith." "God doesn't really care about your hapiness or desires." "The reason you don't get what you want is because the request is too selfish / too unimportant / too silly / too big of a request / too outrageous / stupid anyways." "Something is wrong with you." "Anything you think is too good to be true - it is. Always. Don't expect anything good to last if it even happens." "There's a sin in your life that will forever block out God's blesings on you because you will never break free of that sin." "No one wants to hear about your problems and your pain and your complaining - it makes you look weak. It will make all your friends go away. It will make them talk bad about you / ditch you / make you miserable. So keep it all to yourself, or at least most of it." "You have to be as close to perfect as you can. You are a preacher's daughter, a soon-to-be teacher, a Christian, a former youth leader/sponsor, and who knows what else is to come. You can't admit your weakesses and struggles because people will talk about you, you won't get a job, you'll be kicked out of everything." "You won't get it because you've made an idol of it, even though it's a normal thing to ask for / a Godly thing."

I know those lies. I see them, I pray against them, I read books about how stupid those lies are. But they get me sometimes. They make me feel terrible. Sometimes my heart feels them. While I ache for a reason behind God's answers, I mostly just want to be at peace with His answers - and His silence. The bible constantly talks about not worrying, not fearing, trusting God, having faith in God, etc. and I want to live that out. But there are days when I don't. I know - it's human. That is in everyone. I know there are seasons of ups and downs when it come to that. But those moments where hope seems far, far away, those are the worst. When prayers go unanswered or they are no's all the time. It's worse when it's more than a moment, more than a week, more than 6 months or a few years.

And here I am....complaining for the things I want and don't get (and no, none of it is material things) and yet there are homeless people or 3rd world countries who ask God for food, clean water, and to stay alive. I've seen the people in Kenya with no shoes, infections, living in mud huts, sleeping on the ground, with little food or water within miles of walking. How those people love God is actually hard for me to understand. Which is embarassing somewhat, but logical. Those people, in those conditions, they have to really love God for who He is and not what He gives. He may not let children live or save people from tragedies, but He LOVES THEM all the same. He wants them to know Him and go to  heaven with Him. In a sense, they are running amidst a burning house and Jesus is showing them the way out. They can run for it because they understand that this world is trash. Those of us with more "stuff" and no worries of food and water, we are enjoying a TV show in the part of the house not yet burning, so when Jesus shows them the way out, they say, "No thanks, I'm watching TV." Their urgency is not there, they're "ok" with this world. Thankfully some people get up and realize there is a smell of smoke and flames in the next room, so they leave the TV show and go with Jesus, trying to tell the people sitting on the couch to get up and get a move on! That it's important! Some do.... some don't.

Anyways, I know that God's purpose for us in life is not for us to be happy, but to spread the gospel and be such an imitator of Christ that He is glorified and everyone possible goes to heaven. I know that it is normal and human to feel frustrated when our deepest wants and desires in life are not met and yet are so close we can literally reach out and touch it. So I am torn between my brain saying, "It's OK. God's got it all under control," and my heart hurting.