Am I ________ enough? Am I too _______?

Cautiously walking on a tightrope, afraid to fall to a disaster, but hoping to end up in a beautiful situation on the other side.

If you were to flip a coin and have it land on tails 100 times, wouldn't you expect number 101 to be tails too? I'm not a pessimist, I'm not doubting God, but when all past evidence shows one thing, I expect it again. Whenever it does land on heads I will be thouroughly astonished. It makes me hesitant to flip the coin though. It makes me hesitant to walk the tightrope, knowing I might get hurt from it. I know that God wants me to get the desired result eventually, but it might to be for another 100 flips of the coin or ten more falls from a tightrope.

Hesitant. Exciting. Scary. Uncertain. Frustrated. Impatient. Cautious. Gaurded but ungaurded.

I wish I had the ability to change my want for something.

A beautiful mess. Like walking on a fence, I will either fall to one side that could turn out to be a beautiful work of art that God created specifically with my hopes in mind, or I will fall to the side that is painful and frustrating and confusing that could turn out to be a mess. I have both hopes and no expectations all at the same time, which barely makes any sense.

Am I ________ enough? Am I too _______?

Beyond anything that I am or am not, God has the final say. Am I pretty enough? Am I funny enough? Am I passionate enough? Am I strong enough? Am I deep enough? Am I patient enough? Am I too honest? Am I too forward? Am I too quiet or loud? Am I too quirky? Am I too negative? Am I too young?

Am I not enough? Am I too much?

I always aim to improve myself, in all areas of life. However that doesn't mean I will fit / match what I think is right for me. In my prayers I may pray for the wrong thing that would not suit who I am. And in that I struggle with looking through a giant pile of puzzle pieces that are all exactly the same color, looking for the one piece that fits mine. The pile of un-matched pieces grows in stacks. It doesn't mean they are bad pieces, they're just not the ones that will fit mine. And in that process I grow to expect that every piece I try mine with will be wrong. Not out of low self-esteem, but out of seeing my past and expecting it to continue into the future.

God breaks rules though. He gave sight to people who lived their lives blind, expecting to live every day blind. He gives healing to people whose doctors told them they only had a limit amount of time to live. He restores marriages on the brink of divorce and restores relationships with family members that were onced severed. Nothing confines His power - especially not the past.

I am always hesitant to get my hopes up for something because I know it could grow into so much more than a passing hope but a deep desire that occupies my mind daily or weekly. And sometimes as that passing hope suddenly becomes more I say, "Really God? Really? You want me to ask you for that? But why? BUT WHY?" In the case that the outcome is good, then obviously God wanted me to ask because He wanted to give it to me! But when the outcome is bad then I don't understand it.

So I pray for wisdom, discernment, guidance, peace, patience, thankfulness, direction, and joy through it all.