This past weekend was my retreat! It was great. I was by far the youngest, but that was ok because everybody was so nice, loving, encouraging, etc. I met women from all walks of life with all different life stories. There were a few people I met that I immediately clicked with - just the kind of people you like the minute you meet them and wish you could see them every day of your life. :-) Someone said to me, "You are young, beautiful, and smart. Oh to be young, beautiful, and smart again! Guess I'll just settle for beautiful and smart." :-)
While on the retreat there were specific times for breaks to use the bathroom, just so that it didn't interrupt speakers and stuff going on, and you never realize how often you go to the bathroom until you only try to go at specific times! One time I had to go but I didn't want to interrupt a speaker so I just about died while waiting, and then stopped drinking as much. Ha.
One of the things I got out of the weekend was from a story I'd heard many times, but it hit me in a different way this time. One of the pastors talked about the story were Mary and Martha called for Jesus to come who was in a nearby town, because Lazarus was sick. But Jesus purposely waited until he died to go there. When Jesus arrived Martha said, "If you had been here, my brother would not have died." She had called for him to come and he didn't. And she was upset that he could have come and didn't. But Jesus didn't just want to heal Lazarus, he wanted to raise him from the dead and he told the disciples, "So then he told them plainly, 'Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.'" He didn't want to just "fix" a situation, he wanted to show that he could do so much better than that. The pastor said how we pray for things and God doesn't come, doesn't show up, doesn't answer our prayer, and we see it as a dead situation, but that God could be waiting for the moment to step in and do something so much bigger than what we're asking for to show that He can do better. That was one of the talks that was important to me because of so many unanswered prayers or "no" that God has given me.
We talked about forgiveness and the story about how a master forgave the debt of a servant who owed like a million dollars that he could not possible pay back in his life, and then that man went to another man and demanded him to pay back something small like ten dollars and when he couldn't, he was thrown in jail. The master found out and was so upset. We are the one who owes Jesus so much debt because of all our sins, yet he let us go FREE! And then when we can't forgive someone else, it's a tiny amount comparatively. Also, the pastor said how we feel like we've forgiven someone, but then later we think about it again or hurt by it again and think that means we didn't really forgive them. But that's not true. It happened, so the thoughts may still come back sometimes, and it can still hurt. But it is what you do to act upon that thought. If you allow it to ruin your day, continue to dwell on it over and over, wish ill on someone else, etc. then that is when you haven't really forgiven them.
One talk was about the difference between just reading the bible and actually studying it. Studying it is so important. I think a majority of the time I just read it instead of studying it. When you study it, you need other resources such as books that help give background information on the story or times / traditions, reference books, devotional books, other translations, etc. and you write about it, ask questions about it, and more. It is less about how much you read and more about what you learn from it. It is a practice I'd really like to do more.
In my 10 weeks of no work, I feel as if I've still not been wise with my time. Someone in my small group at bible study tonight has a job she's not thrilled with and wants a career / full time job, as I am looking for one too, and she said, "I feel as if I'm not doing well with the little that I have, so why would God give me more? I want to prioritize better and do better with my time and money." Ah, me too! God's given me a precious gift that most people want: time. Time to do whatever He asks me without hindrance of a job, a husband, kids, or anything like that. Yet I haven't had many quiet times, studied the bible, or served. I feel at a loss of where to serve. I feel at a loss of what exactly to do with my time.
Monday night I couldn't sleep and I thought of a friend who needed prayer. I started praying, and it's been a long time since I prayed that hard. I was no where near sleep, so I prayed fervently for 30 minutes for this person. I prayed big. I didn't just pray for things to "work out" or for things to get better "over time" - I prayed for God to use His power to change the situation immediately. Maybe I don't pray enough for that. Maybe I don't have enough faith because I'm afraid if I pray for the big things and God doesn't answer that it will be as if He let me down, whereas if I pray for the smaller things that could potentially happen without God's power in the situation, that I won't feel let down or discouraged. But I stepped out and prayed hard. I must admit - I wanted it to be something that God literally did RIGHT THEN. As if I would hear from the person the next day that things were completely changed and they felt it happen right then as if they were shocked by static. But there was no big thing. I'm still praying and trusting God has a hand in it, and I am still praying for bigger works than just something mere humans can do.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Facebook, letters, retreat, Pinterest
Have you ever felt comfort by ridiculous things? Sometimes I don't even realize it until I pause to think about it. For example: sometimes I turn on my facebook chat even when I don't really expect to chat with anyone simply becasue it's nice to see other people on there, as if they're kind of "there" if I needed them. And sometimes when someone logs off and the little green dot goes away, it's kind of sad. Like they were there and now they're not.
If you've ever sat and waited for the phone to ring, for a certain person to call you, you know that it's worse when you see that person is on chat, and you hope they IM with you but you don't say anything because you don't want to get on their nerves, and maybe they're just on their phone and not on the computer so they can't see your message. (Wow, that was a really long sentence.) It's like watching water boil though, so I don't just sit there, I surf facebook, youtube, e-mails, and whatever else I'm doing.
On another subject.... I cleaned my room today, as much as I could, and I keep a lot of stuff that has memories behind it. Letters from people since I was 9 (only the important ones or funny ones like middle school notes I wrote with friends), a sea shell from a friend in Kenya, pictures that I print off to put in albums, journals I've written, a stuffed teddy bear from Build-A-Bear my senior yr in high school where a big group of my friends drew names and made a bear for the other person, etc.
My dad said that I won't want all those letters when I'm older and I said, "You don't know! You're not a girl!" Haha. My grandma was saying the other day how nobody writes letters anymore since there's e-mail and faceook. I agree to some degree. I used to write letters ALL THE TIME to everybody. Sometimes people wrote back and I cherished them, but a lot of people didn't take the time to write back and mail it or give it to me. With e-mail it's faster and easier. You can also store years of e-mails or facebook messages all in one place and search for a particular thing through the search bar. But, as I told my mom, it would be nice if whenever I date someone we actually wrote letters to each other. I think it's sweet.
Over time a kindle will replace books (I'm beginning to like it more and more as the physcial books pile up around my room) just as e-mails have replaced letters. My actual books collect dust. They are pretty and colorful in my room though.
I'm going on a retreat from tomorrow afternoon (Thursday) through Sunday afternoon/ evening. I'm looking forward to it! I won't have acess to the internet or phone. I think it will be a great weekend; just a little nervous because I don't think I'll know anyone else there.
Um, Pinterest?! Fantastic idea. Love it. Except when it keeps me up late at night and distracted. :-) Not many guys are on there, but I HAVE seen a few! I typed in random guy names in the people search bar to see if there were any, and yeah, there's a bunch. But I still think it's a website dominated by women.
Well.... speaking of being distracted.... I'm supposed to be packing. So I guess I'll get to it since it's 12:45 AM and I have to get up at 7:45 AM! Bah! (Baby-sitting tomorrow.)
If you've ever sat and waited for the phone to ring, for a certain person to call you, you know that it's worse when you see that person is on chat, and you hope they IM with you but you don't say anything because you don't want to get on their nerves, and maybe they're just on their phone and not on the computer so they can't see your message. (Wow, that was a really long sentence.) It's like watching water boil though, so I don't just sit there, I surf facebook, youtube, e-mails, and whatever else I'm doing.
On another subject.... I cleaned my room today, as much as I could, and I keep a lot of stuff that has memories behind it. Letters from people since I was 9 (only the important ones or funny ones like middle school notes I wrote with friends), a sea shell from a friend in Kenya, pictures that I print off to put in albums, journals I've written, a stuffed teddy bear from Build-A-Bear my senior yr in high school where a big group of my friends drew names and made a bear for the other person, etc.
My dad said that I won't want all those letters when I'm older and I said, "You don't know! You're not a girl!" Haha. My grandma was saying the other day how nobody writes letters anymore since there's e-mail and faceook. I agree to some degree. I used to write letters ALL THE TIME to everybody. Sometimes people wrote back and I cherished them, but a lot of people didn't take the time to write back and mail it or give it to me. With e-mail it's faster and easier. You can also store years of e-mails or facebook messages all in one place and search for a particular thing through the search bar. But, as I told my mom, it would be nice if whenever I date someone we actually wrote letters to each other. I think it's sweet.
Over time a kindle will replace books (I'm beginning to like it more and more as the physcial books pile up around my room) just as e-mails have replaced letters. My actual books collect dust. They are pretty and colorful in my room though.
I'm going on a retreat from tomorrow afternoon (Thursday) through Sunday afternoon/ evening. I'm looking forward to it! I won't have acess to the internet or phone. I think it will be a great weekend; just a little nervous because I don't think I'll know anyone else there.
Um, Pinterest?! Fantastic idea. Love it. Except when it keeps me up late at night and distracted. :-) Not many guys are on there, but I HAVE seen a few! I typed in random guy names in the people search bar to see if there were any, and yeah, there's a bunch. But I still think it's a website dominated by women.
Well.... speaking of being distracted.... I'm supposed to be packing. So I guess I'll get to it since it's 12:45 AM and I have to get up at 7:45 AM! Bah! (Baby-sitting tomorrow.)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Just two paragraphs
Facebook constantly makes changes. Some are small, some are bigger. Most of them are annoying. I see how they try to copy other social networks, like Google + more recently, but still, some of the changes are just not necessary. Yes, some are good though. Or some I just don't care about.
Sometimes it's inspiring to hear other people's stories. Whether it be their "love story" on how they met their spouse or how they finally started dating or how they made big chages in life as far as moving or starting a new job. Tonight it was nice to hear a story that was just encouraging. It kind of sounded like a movie, for real. I was almost teary eyed at her story and hoped that some day I would also have a story to tell, to give someone else hope. The moral of her story was, "If God wants to make something happen, He WILL make it happen!"
Sometimes it's inspiring to hear other people's stories. Whether it be their "love story" on how they met their spouse or how they finally started dating or how they made big chages in life as far as moving or starting a new job. Tonight it was nice to hear a story that was just encouraging. It kind of sounded like a movie, for real. I was almost teary eyed at her story and hoped that some day I would also have a story to tell, to give someone else hope. The moral of her story was, "If God wants to make something happen, He WILL make it happen!"
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Yesterday and today
Yesterday I went on a pontoon on the lake with some people from the young adults' group at church. For some reason when I think of the word lake I think of a round one about the side of 2 football fields with trees surrounding it. But Lake Alatoona is not that. It is huge, hours long, windy, etc. Well, huge to me. We got on the lake at 10 with clouds covering the sky and it was cold. Especially when the boat moved with the wind on us. We had jackets / sweatshirts and put the hoods up. It slowly cleared up though and then there were blue skies with whispy white clouds and the sun was great. I got sunburned on my face and tops of my ears. Two of the people with us went tubing off the back of the boat. We got off the lake at 3. At night we ate at Wendy's and then a frozen custurd place called Lori Bells. Well, it was gross. The other's liked it but I did not. After, my stomach just didn't feel so great, the same as when I have frozen yogurt. Ice cream is way better.
Today I went to church and then to lunch with Jackie, who was the teacher I had during the 1st part of student teaching. It was good - only an hour because she had to get home to her kids and husband because they switch times of going out somewhere on Sun afternoons (usually the gym). But it was a good lunch and good catching up. She's awesome, and one of those people I saw more often in life and hope to keep up with for a long time. I had an inteview with Books-A-Million at 3:30 and long story short I would be so stressed out working there, so there's another thumbs down. :-( I then went to Northwest Christian Church to setup for Ambient - our Sun night young adults' service, but couldn't stay for it because I had a Kenya meeting at Mars Hill at the same time. We ate dinner at church and had our meeting. So, it was a long but good day!
Today I went to church and then to lunch with Jackie, who was the teacher I had during the 1st part of student teaching. It was good - only an hour because she had to get home to her kids and husband because they switch times of going out somewhere on Sun afternoons (usually the gym). But it was a good lunch and good catching up. She's awesome, and one of those people I saw more often in life and hope to keep up with for a long time. I had an inteview with Books-A-Million at 3:30 and long story short I would be so stressed out working there, so there's another thumbs down. :-( I then went to Northwest Christian Church to setup for Ambient - our Sun night young adults' service, but couldn't stay for it because I had a Kenya meeting at Mars Hill at the same time. We ate dinner at church and had our meeting. So, it was a long but good day!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Not it
I think sometimes I have to write for me to really get through things. And sometimes I feel like God speaks to me through writing, and when I'm done writing I feel better. Like, "Ohhh, now I get it," when I write, whereas I didn't arrive to the same conclusion as when I just thought about it.
Some things I wrote today in my journal helped. It's not something that I always remember either, so it's always good to come back to it at times. This is what I wrote (with a few things edited for this blog):
When I spend time with / talk to / IM with a guy who I'm not in a relationship with, it could be someone else's husand. I've thought about this before, we've talked about it when I was in high school, but as I SEE it happen as people get married, it sinks in more. It's not fair to that person's future wife, to him, to me, or my future husband. So it's not fair to FOUR people, not just me or him. I'm not saying I can never speak to guys, but I'm talking about long, in depth conversations, and hours of time. While some people may be ok with it, I'm not. I don't want to marry somebody who has tons of close girl friends that he shares his heart with. When I really like a guy who is not interested in me, I almost have to pretend in my head that he is already married, that he is off limits. Now it may seem extreme to some people, and some people don't get it. That's ok. For me it makes me stay away from that guy so that I'm not e-mailing and IMing him and sitting there waiting for him to change his mind. And jealousy is a terrible thing that doesn't just sneak up on you, but hits you full on in that exact moment. It's not a slow feeling that comes over you, it's an immediate feeling. It's a bitter and angry feeling. Part of it comes from the thought that I want to be the one he is giving attention to. That I want it to be me. So if the thought process is "well he's not going to be my husband anyways" then I am then freed from the thought that it should be me. And if for some reason I am ever wrong in the future, I will at least have spared myself from jealousy for that time and God will work things out as needed.
I also need to realize- my future husband could be somewhere else, at another bible study and church, serving, and praying for me, his future wife. Maybe he's praying that I don't get wrapped up in tons of guys, that I will be emotionally pure for our marriage. That's what I will pray for him. That he will have very little relationship baggage and that he will be as pure as possible not only physcially but emotionally. If he has somehow prayed that about me, God is answering his prayer. I will also pray that if he has been in a two year, three year relationship that will not end in marriage, I pray he gets out. If he is struggling physically with whoever he's in a relationship with or maybe not even in a relationship with at all, I pray he gets out. If he is lonely and just settling, I pray he stays strong enough to stay single. If it is 10 years until we get married, I pray that his relationships until then are only there to show him that I'm it when the time comes.
And lastly...I know that marriage is not what will make all problems go away, make me happy all the time, or be what finally makes life worthwhile. Someone in their late 40's once told me, "A Godly marriage is the best thing under heaven." And I was like, "That's awesome!" and I believe her still. But I also hear people who have great marraiges and are still honest in saying that it's hard and not this perfect cloud that just helps you sail through life.
Some things I wrote today in my journal helped. It's not something that I always remember either, so it's always good to come back to it at times. This is what I wrote (with a few things edited for this blog):
When I spend time with / talk to / IM with a guy who I'm not in a relationship with, it could be someone else's husand. I've thought about this before, we've talked about it when I was in high school, but as I SEE it happen as people get married, it sinks in more. It's not fair to that person's future wife, to him, to me, or my future husband. So it's not fair to FOUR people, not just me or him. I'm not saying I can never speak to guys, but I'm talking about long, in depth conversations, and hours of time. While some people may be ok with it, I'm not. I don't want to marry somebody who has tons of close girl friends that he shares his heart with. When I really like a guy who is not interested in me, I almost have to pretend in my head that he is already married, that he is off limits. Now it may seem extreme to some people, and some people don't get it. That's ok. For me it makes me stay away from that guy so that I'm not e-mailing and IMing him and sitting there waiting for him to change his mind. And jealousy is a terrible thing that doesn't just sneak up on you, but hits you full on in that exact moment. It's not a slow feeling that comes over you, it's an immediate feeling. It's a bitter and angry feeling. Part of it comes from the thought that I want to be the one he is giving attention to. That I want it to be me. So if the thought process is "well he's not going to be my husband anyways" then I am then freed from the thought that it should be me. And if for some reason I am ever wrong in the future, I will at least have spared myself from jealousy for that time and God will work things out as needed.
I also need to realize- my future husband could be somewhere else, at another bible study and church, serving, and praying for me, his future wife. Maybe he's praying that I don't get wrapped up in tons of guys, that I will be emotionally pure for our marriage. That's what I will pray for him. That he will have very little relationship baggage and that he will be as pure as possible not only physcially but emotionally. If he has somehow prayed that about me, God is answering his prayer. I will also pray that if he has been in a two year, three year relationship that will not end in marriage, I pray he gets out. If he is struggling physically with whoever he's in a relationship with or maybe not even in a relationship with at all, I pray he gets out. If he is lonely and just settling, I pray he stays strong enough to stay single. If it is 10 years until we get married, I pray that his relationships until then are only there to show him that I'm it when the time comes.
And lastly...I know that marriage is not what will make all problems go away, make me happy all the time, or be what finally makes life worthwhile. Someone in their late 40's once told me, "A Godly marriage is the best thing under heaven." And I was like, "That's awesome!" and I believe her still. But I also hear people who have great marraiges and are still honest in saying that it's hard and not this perfect cloud that just helps you sail through life.
Sometimes I feel like I'm ok with God saying no, and I move along ok, and then suddenly something happens or I just have a moment when I'm not ok with it. I get mad, upset, jealous, hurt, confused. I watch others get what I specifically asked for and the jealousy burns within me. God's reasons for saying no to anything I ask for or want are endless, beyond my comprehension. Sometimes, like Job, it's simply because He is God and we aren't to understand His decisions. Sometimes it's because He has something better for us. And sometimes we'll never know. I wish that I was more ok with God's "no"s in life. I wish that after a while I wouldn't want that anymore, but even after God says no I still have the want and desire a lot of times. It doesn't go away. And so that makes it worse. I feel like my brain gets it a lot of times, but my heart doesn't. And my heart usually wins, especially when it comes to emotions.
I also know that satan is right there trying to discourage me and lie to me. "You shouldn't even pray because God's just going to say no to everything you ask for, especially if you REALLY want it." "You're not good enough to get that." "You're too ______ for God to say yes to that." "God doesn't give you what you ask for because you don't pray enough / read the bible enough / serve enough / have enough faith." "God doesn't really care about your hapiness or desires." "The reason you don't get what you want is because the request is too selfish / too unimportant / too silly / too big of a request / too outrageous / stupid anyways." "Something is wrong with you." "Anything you think is too good to be true - it is. Always. Don't expect anything good to last if it even happens." "There's a sin in your life that will forever block out God's blesings on you because you will never break free of that sin." "No one wants to hear about your problems and your pain and your complaining - it makes you look weak. It will make all your friends go away. It will make them talk bad about you / ditch you / make you miserable. So keep it all to yourself, or at least most of it." "You have to be as close to perfect as you can. You are a preacher's daughter, a soon-to-be teacher, a Christian, a former youth leader/sponsor, and who knows what else is to come. You can't admit your weakesses and struggles because people will talk about you, you won't get a job, you'll be kicked out of everything." "You won't get it because you've made an idol of it, even though it's a normal thing to ask for / a Godly thing."
I know those lies. I see them, I pray against them, I read books about how stupid those lies are. But they get me sometimes. They make me feel terrible. Sometimes my heart feels them. While I ache for a reason behind God's answers, I mostly just want to be at peace with His answers - and His silence. The bible constantly talks about not worrying, not fearing, trusting God, having faith in God, etc. and I want to live that out. But there are days when I don't. I know - it's human. That is in everyone. I know there are seasons of ups and downs when it come to that. But those moments where hope seems far, far away, those are the worst. When prayers go unanswered or they are no's all the time. It's worse when it's more than a moment, more than a week, more than 6 months or a few years.
And here I am....complaining for the things I want and don't get (and no, none of it is material things) and yet there are homeless people or 3rd world countries who ask God for food, clean water, and to stay alive. I've seen the people in Kenya with no shoes, infections, living in mud huts, sleeping on the ground, with little food or water within miles of walking. How those people love God is actually hard for me to understand. Which is embarassing somewhat, but logical. Those people, in those conditions, they have to really love God for who He is and not what He gives. He may not let children live or save people from tragedies, but He LOVES THEM all the same. He wants them to know Him and go to heaven with Him. In a sense, they are running amidst a burning house and Jesus is showing them the way out. They can run for it because they understand that this world is trash. Those of us with more "stuff" and no worries of food and water, we are enjoying a TV show in the part of the house not yet burning, so when Jesus shows them the way out, they say, "No thanks, I'm watching TV." Their urgency is not there, they're "ok" with this world. Thankfully some people get up and realize there is a smell of smoke and flames in the next room, so they leave the TV show and go with Jesus, trying to tell the people sitting on the couch to get up and get a move on! That it's important! Some do.... some don't.
Anyways, I know that God's purpose for us in life is not for us to be happy, but to spread the gospel and be such an imitator of Christ that He is glorified and everyone possible goes to heaven. I know that it is normal and human to feel frustrated when our deepest wants and desires in life are not met and yet are so close we can literally reach out and touch it. So I am torn between my brain saying, "It's OK. God's got it all under control," and my heart hurting.
I also know that satan is right there trying to discourage me and lie to me. "You shouldn't even pray because God's just going to say no to everything you ask for, especially if you REALLY want it." "You're not good enough to get that." "You're too ______ for God to say yes to that." "God doesn't give you what you ask for because you don't pray enough / read the bible enough / serve enough / have enough faith." "God doesn't really care about your hapiness or desires." "The reason you don't get what you want is because the request is too selfish / too unimportant / too silly / too big of a request / too outrageous / stupid anyways." "Something is wrong with you." "Anything you think is too good to be true - it is. Always. Don't expect anything good to last if it even happens." "There's a sin in your life that will forever block out God's blesings on you because you will never break free of that sin." "No one wants to hear about your problems and your pain and your complaining - it makes you look weak. It will make all your friends go away. It will make them talk bad about you / ditch you / make you miserable. So keep it all to yourself, or at least most of it." "You have to be as close to perfect as you can. You are a preacher's daughter, a soon-to-be teacher, a Christian, a former youth leader/sponsor, and who knows what else is to come. You can't admit your weakesses and struggles because people will talk about you, you won't get a job, you'll be kicked out of everything." "You won't get it because you've made an idol of it, even though it's a normal thing to ask for / a Godly thing."
I know those lies. I see them, I pray against them, I read books about how stupid those lies are. But they get me sometimes. They make me feel terrible. Sometimes my heart feels them. While I ache for a reason behind God's answers, I mostly just want to be at peace with His answers - and His silence. The bible constantly talks about not worrying, not fearing, trusting God, having faith in God, etc. and I want to live that out. But there are days when I don't. I know - it's human. That is in everyone. I know there are seasons of ups and downs when it come to that. But those moments where hope seems far, far away, those are the worst. When prayers go unanswered or they are no's all the time. It's worse when it's more than a moment, more than a week, more than 6 months or a few years.
And here I am....complaining for the things I want and don't get (and no, none of it is material things) and yet there are homeless people or 3rd world countries who ask God for food, clean water, and to stay alive. I've seen the people in Kenya with no shoes, infections, living in mud huts, sleeping on the ground, with little food or water within miles of walking. How those people love God is actually hard for me to understand. Which is embarassing somewhat, but logical. Those people, in those conditions, they have to really love God for who He is and not what He gives. He may not let children live or save people from tragedies, but He LOVES THEM all the same. He wants them to know Him and go to heaven with Him. In a sense, they are running amidst a burning house and Jesus is showing them the way out. They can run for it because they understand that this world is trash. Those of us with more "stuff" and no worries of food and water, we are enjoying a TV show in the part of the house not yet burning, so when Jesus shows them the way out, they say, "No thanks, I'm watching TV." Their urgency is not there, they're "ok" with this world. Thankfully some people get up and realize there is a smell of smoke and flames in the next room, so they leave the TV show and go with Jesus, trying to tell the people sitting on the couch to get up and get a move on! That it's important! Some do.... some don't.
Anyways, I know that God's purpose for us in life is not for us to be happy, but to spread the gospel and be such an imitator of Christ that He is glorified and everyone possible goes to heaven. I know that it is normal and human to feel frustrated when our deepest wants and desires in life are not met and yet are so close we can literally reach out and touch it. So I am torn between my brain saying, "It's OK. God's got it all under control," and my heart hurting.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The good things lately
I'll be writing backwards in time starting from today...
Today I baby-sat for a 1 and 4 year old. When I read the 4 year old a book with princesses in it I pointed to the 7 dwarfs and said, "Who are they?" "Aliens," she said. "No, the 7 dwarfs!" I said. She kept calling them the 7 dorks the rest of the story. Hehehe. The 1 year old just started walking this week and as a result he falls a lot, and doesn't have the balance to pick things up without bumping himself in the face, which causes lots of tears. When it was time to go to the bus stop to get the 5 and 7 year old, the 1 yr old was super heavy and I just realized at that point that he had a stinky diaper and then there were ants on the 4 yr olds' feet so she starts screaming bloody murder and I'm trying to hold him and crouch down to wipe off her feet at the same time, while telling the other two to wait and not cross the street. Inside the house I wiped down her feet to make sure the ants were all gone and the older two were trying to get snacks. Wahhh! I don't want 4 kids! And maybe you grow acustomed to it because you add one kid at a time to the mix, but still!
I met at my church swings to pray with someone about Kenya stuff and other things and we talked a while and then prayed and talked again. It was good to catch up and vent and think.
I went to Zumba for the first time last night with a friend. It was at my church, free, and 50 people were there. It's basically aerobic dance steps to pop music. It was good! I also had lunch with a friend and it was great. Towards the end I realized I wanted to talk to her about something, but didn't know if I was being too repetitive in bringing up the same thing each time we talked, but then she asked me about it and I'm glad she did.
Our Sunday night young adults' worship started on Sunday night - we broke for the summer and only had one a month. I'm glad it's started up again. Todd preaches awesome sermons, where even if it's a familiar subject it just hits home and I'm like, "Yes! preach it!" Haha. After I went to Firehouse subs with friends with lots of laughing, and a new touch screen drink machine with 120 flavors! Since the place was pretty empty we stood there and tasted a bunch. :-)
Saturday I had lunch with one of my old youth leaders that I had from 6th grade to 9th grade. She moved after that, an hour and a half away. We went to the mall and bookstore after and it was good catching up.
Friday I had Friday night worship (it's once a month) with another church (that I go to bible study with) and it was good. At one point I thought about how I need to love God no matter what my circumstances are, and love HIM not just what He gives me. I went up to get communion and accidently got two peices of bread, then got my thumb in the grape juice when I dipped it in, then didn't let it drip off so I just put it in my mouth, getting grape juice on my chin, both hands, my shirt, and my pants. And I can imagine God saying, "And I love you when you're messy - literally and in all other areas of your life!" :-)
Last Thursday I baby-sat and then had bible study at night. It was good. Last Monday I went to a movie and lunch with a friend I've known since 6th grade and am thankful she's in this part of town again since she moved away to college!
Well...more events happening in the next few weeks.
Today I baby-sat for a 1 and 4 year old. When I read the 4 year old a book with princesses in it I pointed to the 7 dwarfs and said, "Who are they?" "Aliens," she said. "No, the 7 dwarfs!" I said. She kept calling them the 7 dorks the rest of the story. Hehehe. The 1 year old just started walking this week and as a result he falls a lot, and doesn't have the balance to pick things up without bumping himself in the face, which causes lots of tears. When it was time to go to the bus stop to get the 5 and 7 year old, the 1 yr old was super heavy and I just realized at that point that he had a stinky diaper and then there were ants on the 4 yr olds' feet so she starts screaming bloody murder and I'm trying to hold him and crouch down to wipe off her feet at the same time, while telling the other two to wait and not cross the street. Inside the house I wiped down her feet to make sure the ants were all gone and the older two were trying to get snacks. Wahhh! I don't want 4 kids! And maybe you grow acustomed to it because you add one kid at a time to the mix, but still!
I met at my church swings to pray with someone about Kenya stuff and other things and we talked a while and then prayed and talked again. It was good to catch up and vent and think.
I went to Zumba for the first time last night with a friend. It was at my church, free, and 50 people were there. It's basically aerobic dance steps to pop music. It was good! I also had lunch with a friend and it was great. Towards the end I realized I wanted to talk to her about something, but didn't know if I was being too repetitive in bringing up the same thing each time we talked, but then she asked me about it and I'm glad she did.
Our Sunday night young adults' worship started on Sunday night - we broke for the summer and only had one a month. I'm glad it's started up again. Todd preaches awesome sermons, where even if it's a familiar subject it just hits home and I'm like, "Yes! preach it!" Haha. After I went to Firehouse subs with friends with lots of laughing, and a new touch screen drink machine with 120 flavors! Since the place was pretty empty we stood there and tasted a bunch. :-)
Saturday I had lunch with one of my old youth leaders that I had from 6th grade to 9th grade. She moved after that, an hour and a half away. We went to the mall and bookstore after and it was good catching up.
Friday I had Friday night worship (it's once a month) with another church (that I go to bible study with) and it was good. At one point I thought about how I need to love God no matter what my circumstances are, and love HIM not just what He gives me. I went up to get communion and accidently got two peices of bread, then got my thumb in the grape juice when I dipped it in, then didn't let it drip off so I just put it in my mouth, getting grape juice on my chin, both hands, my shirt, and my pants. And I can imagine God saying, "And I love you when you're messy - literally and in all other areas of your life!" :-)
Last Thursday I baby-sat and then had bible study at night. It was good. Last Monday I went to a movie and lunch with a friend I've known since 6th grade and am thankful she's in this part of town again since she moved away to college!
Well...more events happening in the next few weeks.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
No job.
No counties around me are hiring substitute teachers. Nor do I want to be one. The supply teaching positions (where teachers are out for 2 months or so because of illness or having a baby) are scarce and everybody is applying to those too. There are no parapro jobs, media specialist, or office jobs in schools. No, I will not teach in the Atlanta schools where people got fired for cheating. NO I DON'T WANT TO TEACH PRESCHOOL. 22 four year olds in one class. No. I love to play with that age and baby-sit that age, but not teach twenty two of them. No Christian Schools, Charter Schools, or Private Schools are hiring. I didn't expect a teaching job this year so I'm not surprised at all of this. Yet when people talk to me they act as if I didn't try to get a job, or if I just keep trying I'll still get one. Yes, I know a principal who has tried for me so knowing the right people doesn't always help. Everyone keeps saying to just "get my foot in the door" any way I can, and there's no door open! And a million FEET are in the door! With the ridiculousness of all of this, I'm thinking you'd have to be pretty amazing to stand out amongst all those "feet."
I've sent my resume to many nonprofit places all over the place. I've looked for church jobs, although those are hard to actually find since it's usually an internal thing. I've looked on baby-sitting websites and people are kind of crazy... some want to charge $2, $5 per hour for like 40 hours in a week. Really people? Minimum wage is like $7.50 or something. And some have detailed requirements like, "We want a nanny who is fluent in Spanish so they can teach our child." I applied for several baby-sitting jobs and none of them replied! I applied at Sylvan Learning Centers and other things similar to that.
I'm out of options. Done. Today I applied for Target, Books-A-Million, Khols wasn't hiring, and Publix said you had to go in to their store kiosk to apply, so I will do that tomorrow to all the stupid Publix's in my area. Really? I went 5 years of college to get a part time job that I hate? Fantastic. Even those aren't guarentees. Target and BAM both took 45 minutes to fill out applications because they have all these personality and scenario questions. Those are nerve wracking because it seems like any of the answers could be right sometimes, it depends on the person reading it.
To add to the frustration are all the people who constantly say, "Oh don't worry, you'll get a job!" People who don't even know me and people who do know me all say the same thing, whether it be that God will provide or that their positive attitude just knows what's best. Or they just mean well. I know they all mean well, but it really makes me mad. Yes, it's possible that I could get a fantastic job any day now. But I could also be stuck in a part time job for the next 5 years. So yes, I'M WORRIED. And people telling me not to are just saying things. I feel like we don't want to be realistic sometimes because who wants to hear, "Wow, I'm sorry, you may not get a good job for a really long time!" Well sometimes I just want someone to be real and not sugar coat things.
A job as a means to an end vs. a job you love. Right now I need a job for money. I want to start paying off my loans that start in Novembber and not have to defer them. I want to go to Kenya next summer because I love it and haven't been in 3 years. And I know my car is dying, not to mention I'm 23 and need to start paying for my own car insurance, cell phone bill, groceries, etc. And I'd like to move out again at some point. But that will probably be a while. I don't even know, there is no date for that one.
I feel like the longer I'm not working, which has only been 6 and a half weeks, I'm becoming lazier and lazier. Sleeping 12-14 hours a night and day (4 hr naps), watching TV for like 5 hours at a time, not walking on the treadmill at all (and no excuse because there's time), not wanting to do quiet times (again, no excuses), just laying around. Sometimes reading for hours or days which is always nice but still. Unproductive. I try to think, "Wow, I'm really lucky to have all this free time! Take in it! Live it up!" But oh, in my room? Yeah. Because I don't want to spend gas ($) or buy stuff ($) or do much entertainment wise like the movies ($).
And when people see me at bible study each week and ask how I am, I feel like a big downer if I'm honest and say, "Well my week sucked. I've done nothing and feel like I'm going nowhere" every week. I'm thankful for the friends who do things with me when they have time so that keeps me sane.
I'm looking around my room. Maybe I can sell things on ebay. Maybe I won't actually read all those books again. That's about the only thing worth selling.
I've sent my resume to many nonprofit places all over the place. I've looked for church jobs, although those are hard to actually find since it's usually an internal thing. I've looked on baby-sitting websites and people are kind of crazy... some want to charge $2, $5 per hour for like 40 hours in a week. Really people? Minimum wage is like $7.50 or something. And some have detailed requirements like, "We want a nanny who is fluent in Spanish so they can teach our child." I applied for several baby-sitting jobs and none of them replied! I applied at Sylvan Learning Centers and other things similar to that.
I'm out of options. Done. Today I applied for Target, Books-A-Million, Khols wasn't hiring, and Publix said you had to go in to their store kiosk to apply, so I will do that tomorrow to all the stupid Publix's in my area. Really? I went 5 years of college to get a part time job that I hate? Fantastic. Even those aren't guarentees. Target and BAM both took 45 minutes to fill out applications because they have all these personality and scenario questions. Those are nerve wracking because it seems like any of the answers could be right sometimes, it depends on the person reading it.
To add to the frustration are all the people who constantly say, "Oh don't worry, you'll get a job!" People who don't even know me and people who do know me all say the same thing, whether it be that God will provide or that their positive attitude just knows what's best. Or they just mean well. I know they all mean well, but it really makes me mad. Yes, it's possible that I could get a fantastic job any day now. But I could also be stuck in a part time job for the next 5 years. So yes, I'M WORRIED. And people telling me not to are just saying things. I feel like we don't want to be realistic sometimes because who wants to hear, "Wow, I'm sorry, you may not get a good job for a really long time!" Well sometimes I just want someone to be real and not sugar coat things.
A job as a means to an end vs. a job you love. Right now I need a job for money. I want to start paying off my loans that start in Novembber and not have to defer them. I want to go to Kenya next summer because I love it and haven't been in 3 years. And I know my car is dying, not to mention I'm 23 and need to start paying for my own car insurance, cell phone bill, groceries, etc. And I'd like to move out again at some point. But that will probably be a while. I don't even know, there is no date for that one.
I feel like the longer I'm not working, which has only been 6 and a half weeks, I'm becoming lazier and lazier. Sleeping 12-14 hours a night and day (4 hr naps), watching TV for like 5 hours at a time, not walking on the treadmill at all (and no excuse because there's time), not wanting to do quiet times (again, no excuses), just laying around. Sometimes reading for hours or days which is always nice but still. Unproductive. I try to think, "Wow, I'm really lucky to have all this free time! Take in it! Live it up!" But oh, in my room? Yeah. Because I don't want to spend gas ($) or buy stuff ($) or do much entertainment wise like the movies ($).
And when people see me at bible study each week and ask how I am, I feel like a big downer if I'm honest and say, "Well my week sucked. I've done nothing and feel like I'm going nowhere" every week. I'm thankful for the friends who do things with me when they have time so that keeps me sane.
I'm looking around my room. Maybe I can sell things on ebay. Maybe I won't actually read all those books again. That's about the only thing worth selling.
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