All the lists!

Top 5 Favorite Books I Read This Year (I read 31 total)
1. With Christ in the School of Prayer, by Andrew Murray
2. Nyxia, by Scott Reintgen
3. Awaken, by Priscilla Shirer
4. The Enemy Within: Straight Talk about the Power and Defeat of Sin, by Kris Lundgaard
5. Elites of Eden, by Joey Graceffa

Top 5 Favorite Places I Went This Year
1. Kenya
2. Blue Ridge for the weekend
3. Andrettis for gokart racing, laser tag, and arcade games
4. To my friend Kaylene's house a few times
5. Taqueria Tsunami because I love that place but don't get to go often

Top 3 Things I Accomplished This Year
1. Lost 20 pounds in 6 months
2. Read 31 books
3. Shot 11 paid photoshoots and 6 events at church

Things I'm Looking Forward To in 2018
1. New things that are going to be happening at Vertical Life Church
2. I'm going to South Dakota for a mission trip
3. Going to visit my aunt, uncle, cousins, and my cousin's baby
4. Reading more good books
5. Spending more time with friends
6. Seeing what God is going to do

Wrestling

Two years ago, I picked a "word for the year" because it was something we were doing in bible study. I picked extravagant love and yes it's two words - because I wanted to love more than just normal love. I wanted to go over and above. Last January I decided not to do the word of the year thing. And a few weeks ago someone asked if there was a word that summed up my year and I realized yes... God had picked a word for me. Extravagant love had been about me and other people. But this year God picked the word "wrestle" for me, and it was all about me and God. 

This included fasting, praying more than I ever have, listening more than I ever have, really looking at the scriptures I didn't understand or see to be true in my life and figuring out what they meant, and more. It meant continually coming back to God and saying, "I know this is the 365th day this year that I've brought this to you, but here I am again!" 

I started off the year reading about Jacob wrestling with the Lord. And not surprisingly, it was in just about every book I read this year, lots of articles, lots of podcasts, etc. And every time I read about it or heard about it again, I learned something new or saw things differently or saw it reflected in my own life. 

Most recently I had the realization that God is a persistent God. More than a child, more than a stubborn person, more than me... And I'm so thankful for that. He has been persistent in showing me this story all year, and in many other ways in life. 

Also recently, in the Beth Moore bible study, "The Quest" she said that the word wrestle is only one letter off in Hebrew from the word embrace. Only one letter is added to the beginning. That's fascinating to me! 

I've realized that Jacob was alone when he wrestled with God, and that a lot of "God-moments" in the bible happened when the person was alone. 

There was a day when I prayed, "God, can I just rest in the waiting? It says you've come to bring rest and that your burden is light so..." I immediately heard back, "No. You've been 'resting' for years. There is a difference between resting and not being bold in prayer, active in listening, and active in obedience." And I remembered the well-quoted verse, "Hold still for the the Lord will fight for you," and how it's followed up with God saying, "Why are you still crying out to me? Get moving!" but nobody talks about that part. The Israelites could not have sat down at the edge of the Red Sea and waited - they needed to part the waters and go through it. 

You're playing the wrong game

Almost every day at work there's a point where I'm so stressed and my anxiety is so high that I stop functioning correctly, I start getting angry, I start doing things wrong, and I think how can I even get through the next five minutes without crying? And on days when that lasts too long, I have anxiety dreams too. And sometimes I do cry.

There are times when we are understaffed or someone is on a 30 minute lunch break and we get busy. Or, we just simply get too busy. Someone orders one...or three... venti coffees and I turn around and we have NO coffee. So I need to brew more. And then there are multiple things to go in the oven at the same time which each take a lot of time to get the bag ready, sometimes cut the bagel or unwrap the sandwich and get everything in and out without dropping anything. Then the headset is always dinging. People are always talking in your ear, sometimes multiple people. Then sometimes if there's just two of us, I have to go over on bar and start making drinks... and realize we're out of something like ice or mocha or something that takes time to run to the back to get more and change the pumps on the syrup or scoop the ice into the bucket it and run it back up. Or sometimes we're out of the food the person is looking for in the drive thru and we're running around the store to the fridge, the back fridge, the front of the pastry case, etc. to see if we have more of something, and then sometimes they want to know the price right then so we run back to the computer in the drivethru if the one up front is busy. And then people order things at the window, or they want something remade, and new people need to be shown how to do things, or the trash at the condiment bar by the front door has no cream and sugar, or there's no toilet paper in the bathroom and someone needs me to restock it right then instead of using the other one. Mobile orders come in from people's phone and they do it from the parking lot sometimes or in the store or in the drivethru and immediately ask for their drink as if we're magic. We are, but not that magic. Some orders come with 5 food items and 7 drinks, and if they come through the drive thru in the morning before 11 AM, we're supposed to get that all out the window in under 50 seconds. Each car should not be at the window more than 50 seconds, so when they get to the window and order a sandwich that heats for a minute and a half, you'll either get reprimanded by somebody up high on the chain of people eventually, or ask them to pull up and have someone run the food out to them. Sometimes in the middle of all that stress somebody is yelling at you or angry or they're telling you what a terrible human you are for not understanding them when they said the wrong thing anyways or you won't break the rules for them. The phone rings and we're supposed to answer it. There are timers beeping all the time that tell us when to brew more coffee, when to stop steeping the tea, when to change the sanitizer water, when to clean every spoon and ice scoop in the store and bring up new ones. There's a beeping safe when the shift is counting money, and sometimes they can't get back to it fast enough so the beeping is loud and keeps going. And somehow we're supposed to keep the counters clean, keep making whip creams, keep stocking cups and lids and milks from the back, and KEEP A FREAKING SMILE ON YOUR FACE AT ALL TIMES OR SOMEBODY IS PISSED THAT YOU AREN'T SMILING AT THEM BECAUSE THAT MUST MEAN YOU ARE BEING A JERK TO THEM IF YOU DIDN'T SMILE!!

Let me tell you world... you are playing the wrong game in life, with the wrong rules, with the wrong game plan, with the wrong emphasis on things. You are gauging success by how short of a time someone is at the drive thru window, how perfect the store is, how clean it is, how much money you make, how little of mistakes you make, your GPA, your title at your job...

It's like you're playing Monopoly but the world is set up to play Settlers of Catan. So you're all losing. Everything you are placing as important in life is temporary and fleeting and in the end will be meaningless... but it's already meaningless. You see, the rules of the game are this: The most important thing on earth is that God is glorified. That He is made known, that others are brought to Him, that we love with the most love we possibly can, that we use our gifts and talents to serve Him and serve others, that souls are rescued from hell, that we build each other up and draw each other in. So when you are dead and standing before the Living God, the window times and bank accounts will not even be a dot on the spectrum of your life. It will be the treasures you stored up - the love you shared, the glory you gave Him, the people you shared God with. So while you keep accumulating your Monopoly money and buying plastic houses, I'm going to keep playing the game the way the world was made. I keep trying to remember that when I'm stressed, in those moments of sheer panic at work. This is temporary. This is meaningless. This is fleeting. This is not important. This is actually ridiculously silly, to be stressed over moving my body as fast as possible to get people mere drinks and food as fast as possible. Sometimes I'm good at reminding myself of that. Other times I am not. And I ache not to be stressed anymore. I ache to be calm and quiet and peaceful. But the Lord has not allowed any other job to happen. In the meantime, I will try to slow down despite the pressure of the world, and hold my ground.

Scripture

“Jesus responded, ‘Did I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?’” – John 11:40

“You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.” – Luke 1:45

“Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you in skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am Lord.” – Ezekiel 37:4-6

“God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” – James 1:12

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” – 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

“The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. The Lord gives his people strength. He is a safe fortress for his anointed king.” – Psalm 28:7-8

“So I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” – Luke 11:9

Cleaning

God’s funny. I mean it. He is.

The other day I was praying, and I asked Him, “Is there anything I should be doing to prepare for being married?” In my head I was thinking like what I should be working on as far as my character, reading certain books, certain habits, etc. In response, I heard a thought not of my own, “Deep clean your room. You don’t want all of this stuff going into a marriage, unpacking boxes of random things into a new home.” Eew. What? I hate cleaning. And I laughed because I’m like, ok, but I’m not even dating anybody, why should I go through all my stuff as if I were close to marriage? *Insert eye roll here.*

But since I felt like He actually said that, that’s what I’ve been doing the past few days. I have boxes of things that I either thought I might want/use later in life, or things that are sentimental to me. But honestly, there are also things I’ve been just too lazy to go through, and therefore it just sat there. Things I knew would take hours to go through so I didn’t want to do it, kind of like trying to clean out 5,000 emails in your inbox, when it’s just easier to let them stay. So anyways, not that I’ve been “cleaning” to make my room look clean, but purging to make my room be less full.

In the process, it’s a walk down memory lane. It’s pictures that bring back so many happy memories, and also so many sad ones. It’s a reminder of the people who have made me “me,” and the people who I’m SO GLAD AREN’T IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. Hahaha.

So, future husband, somewhere out there on planet earth, some day you will be glad I’ve whittled down my stuff so that when I unpack I will enjoy showing you parts of my life that were important to me, instead of just stuff I kept because I was too lazy to deal with it. 

Ocean deep

“Jesus responded, ‘Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?’” – John 11:40

I’m standing at the Red Sea with the Egyptians at my heels, and the sea hasn’t parted. I’m sitting at Lazarus’ tomb and Jesus hasn’t raised him yet. I’m walking around Jericho every day and the walls haven’t fallen. I’m taking three steps forward, two steps back like Joseph as he made his way towards where God wanted him when God gave him the dream. I heard the Lord. But my circumstances are at a standstill. They’re ocean deep, dead, huge-wall-high, prison-chains-depressing.

Step one – ask. Check.

Step two – listen. Check.

Step three – ask for crazy God-confirmations. Check check check check check.

Step four – obey. I think check?

Step five – wait. CHHHEEECCCCKKKKKKK.

Repeat.

Today as I prayed and washed dishes I was mad. I told God I’m not praying today or tomorrow about this situation I’m talking about. Because I need two days off. Not from prayer, but from praying about “the thing.” But tonight I felt like God said nah, you just need to thank me and praise me about it and only say positive things about it.

So I thanked him for speaking. I thanked him for confirming things. I thanked him for his perfect timing and his perfect plans. I thanked him for his working when I cannot see. I thanked him for the future and what is to come. I thanked him that someday when all is said and done, that this story will bring him glory and hopefully bring others closer to him. I thanked him for the people who listen in my struggling, and the ones who don’t get tired of asking how it’s going. I thanked him that he provides in big ways and small ways, daily small things that are beautiful if I just keep my eyes open for them. I thanked him for being a steady ground and a steady rock when my heart hurts and my fears creep in and the lies start coming in. I thanked him for the bible which shows me awesome stories from the beginning to the end. I thanked him for how he is going to do a miracle soon. 

Come on. Let's go.

The Lord invited me to wrestle. It was the beginning of December of 2016, and I said no. I just flat out said nope, I don't want to deal with this thing that has been sitting in my heart for years. But as January started, I knew He was still telling me, "Come on. Let's go." I rolled up my spiritual sleeves and said ok. 

I posed God with a major question. One that I had been wondering in my heart for years. The kind where if I told anybody my struggle they would say, "What do you feel like the Lord has said about it?" "NOTHING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY." Or, "Maybe yes? But maybe that's only because I wish His answer was a yes?" While I don't feel like sharing with the world wide web the exact details of this question, I am still writing about it because I know God will still get glory from this to whoever may read it. 

I knew I wanted to hear the Lord clearly, loudly, and repetitively. Not to have Him prove himself or out of doubt, but out of wanting to hear the Lord's guidance, an answer, how He wanted me to be obedient in waiting or in acting, and how I should be praying. But I wondered if my prayers asking Him for confirmation were an ok thing to do. I have no idea how I came across this verse one night in late January, but it was the Lord saying to King Ahaz, "Ask the Lord your God for a sign of confirmation, Ahaz. Make it as difficult as you want - as high as heaven or as deep as the place of the dead." But the king refused. "No," he said, "I will not test the Lord like that." (Isaiah 7:11-12) But God went on to say, "No, I'm telling you to ask for a sign of confirmation because I want to give it to you!" It was the awesome moment where I knew what I was doing was right - seeking for the Lord to speak to me, not to test Him, but to communicate with Him. And I didn't want these confirmations to be something small or silly or coincidences that could be brushed off. I needed these things to be major God things. 

As He began to speak in crazy ways, I wrote them down. I numbered them. I wrote how He responded to my prayers. I took pictures of things that I read or saw that I felt like was God saying yes. And still, I questioned if what I was doing was crazy. Sometimes I'd hear "yes!" multiple times in a week, and other times weeks would go by and I wouldn't hear anything. I wanted to believe that God was truly saying yes, but my circumstances regarding this thing hadn't changed and were still FAR from any change. It wasn't until about 33 times of God saying yes did I start to believe it. Then, in early June, I went to my friend's house and told her everything that was going on. I needed to know if these things I thought were from God were just me seeking something out that wasn't there. 

My friend said,"Ok what!?! He has said yes 33 times and you're still questioning it? Those aren't normal things. Those are amazing things! Those are things that you didn't go searching for, but that the Lord brought straight to you! It's not like you googled them and then claimed it as yours!" So I switched my question then to, "Well then, if I am to believe this is true... when?" I began asking the Lord for a time frame. When I left for Kenya at the beginning of July, I was at 36 times of the Lord saying yes. Since the beginning of July, I haven't heard God say when, or even any more signs of confirmation. But of course, I struggle. Of course I come before Him constantly and say, "Ok. I believe you. But I'm terrified. Because if I've heard You wrong, then I don't think I will ever know what it means to hear You. I don't doubt Your promises, I doubt my ability to hear them correctly. But these things have all been pretty big. So how am I supposed to align my feelings up with them? How am I supposed to act differently? How am I supposed to fight the fear and the sadness and the doubt as I wait for Your timing?" 

And so it began again last night. My fears yelling that I've heard it all wrong. That these last 8 months have been for nothing. That some day I would look back and say, "What in the world happened there??" I prayed and prayed against it. I opened up my new devotional book by Priscilla Shirer, "Awaken." I read 2 or 3 a day. So the first one I opened to was about the Israelites not believing that God would bring them to the promised land, all except two men, and so the Lord only brought those two men into the promised land because no one else believed Him. I remembered the verse, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said." (Luke 1:45) I remembered Jacob wrestling with the Lord saying He wouldn't let go until the Lord blessed him. 

What does it look like to actively believe God's promise to me when my emotions aren't always stable? Does it mean constantly thanking Him for what has happened so far, and thank Him for what is to come? Does it mean continuing to look back at the 36 times He said yes, like the times people in the Old Testament would name rocks as a reminder of what He had done? Does it mean to put these verses on my walls and on my phone to see constantly and places where I am constantly reminded of them? I think yes to all of those. But I am not sure what else yet. I know that I want to receive what the Lord has promised me with faith, not with doubt. And hence the wrestling. I asked God if I could just rest in the waiting, but I remembered that I rested for years in the waiting, praying the safe prayers and doing the safe things. So no, I don't think there is any more time for resting in the waiting. 

"Moses told the people,'Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.' Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving!" (Exodus 14:13-14) This was right before the parting of the red sea. Yes, God did huge things! But it also required the Isralites to get a move on, and walk across, not just sit still! We hear these verses separated - "Just stand still. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." But then God is like, "Nope! Don't just stand still! Yes, I will rescue you, but you have to move!" I know that I am in a similar place. Spiritually, I have to move. But in circumstances, I have to wait. 

Perhaps some day I will be able to share the whole story, from beginning to end, from the moment I asked God the question, until the moment He fulfills it. Until then, I'm in the middle of the story, the middle of the storm, the middle of the battle. He is gracious to me in His constant encouragement and confirmation, and only the Holy Spirit in me is able to comfort me and put peace in my heart. 

"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." (James 5:16) I look forward to seeing what great power the Lord unleashes and the wonderful results that flourish from Him allowing me to be part of His plans. 

Going back to Kenya

I am going back to Kenya in 3 days!! It's been 8 years since I've gone. When I went the last two times, it was like I was waking up from a long dream. That I was fully awake there. Fully aware of everything. Maybe it's because everything is literally foreign. Maybe it's because I'm not on my phone or laptop while I'm there so I'm fully present. Anyways, I'm excited, but also a little anxious. As I've gotten older, when I get too hungry, I get shaky and weak. I feel more tired more often. I need more medicine than I used to. I know, I'm only 29, but whatever, it's true. And the whole process of going through the airports and flying is also a little stressful. I hate packing, and you can't just buy something there if you forget it when you're in the middle of nowhere.

My SD card has space for 8,900 pictures. I did the math and momentarily panicked - is 635 pictures a day enough space?? Then remembered I won't be taking that many on the days I fly to and from. So I re-did the math and it was 752 a day. I also realized nobody - including myself - wants to look at 8,900 pictures from a two week trip. Ain't nobody got time for that. I think it kind of freaks me out because on a day that I'm taking pictures of an event - like a church picnic, VBS, etc - I take about 300 in two hours. However, some of those are one shot taken three times in a row in case the person blinks. Or from several different angles / zoomed in and zoomed out, up and down and sideways. So I would only actually use one or two out of each 5ish if it was of a person.

I will have access to the internet at the hotel I've been told, so I will be updating every night probably. It'll be very different than the past two trips where I could only call home every few days and that's it.

So ready to go! I've always said I would go back someday, and "someday" has arrived!

The Battle of Jericho

I don't know if you're familiar with the story of Joshua and battle of Jericho from Joshua 6, but the summary is this: God asked Joshua to circle the town of Jericho once every day for 6 days, and then 7 times on the 7th day. Then the walls of the town collapsed and the people could go straight in.

A few years ago, I felt the Lord telling me to be persistent in something, and it sounded crazy to me. One day I when I was at church on a Sunday morning, it was just on my heart and mind, but I was angry about it. I got up in the middle of the service with tears already coming down my face, and went to the bathroom. On the way, I was telling God that I quit - that I was giving up on this thing He told me to be persistent in. I told Him it was crazy, that it wasn't possible, and that I was just done.

We were in an elementary school at the time, and I went into one of the stalls to close the door behind me. But it wouldn't close. I looked at the hinges of the door and nothing seemed to be holding it up. I pushed again and again, instead of just going to a different stall. And then I felt like God said, "I'm not asking you to close that door," meaning the situation I was telling God I wanted to get out of, and the clarity of it stopped me in my tracks. And then the bathroom stall door closed with no problem. It was weird / awesome.

Like I said, it's been a few years. And I'm still metaphorically marching around Jericho. And on days I sit and wonder if I'm still on the right track, I go back and read all the times I felt God speaking, guiding, directing, and leading in this one area, and am amazed at the multitude of times He spoke. So I encourage everyone to write things down more often, look back on things more often, and listen more often.

Kids and babies!

I was going to share this after I got back from Kenya, but decided to share it now instead.  

Over the past few months I’ve been spending time with my friends with babies and small kids. One thing I hear all across the board is that they have this little human to take care of constantly – or more than one – and sometimes they’re just tired! (Or always?) 

At this point in my life, I’m pretty up in the air about having kids. Not that it’s anywhere in my near future anyways. If I was to never have kids, I might be ok with it. If I had one kid, I’d also be ok with it. If I had two kids, or even twins, I’d be ok with it. If I only adopted, I’d be ok with it. I am not really too swayed in any one direction right now. I love kids! But I could also see myself not having any. I know, it’s weird and hard to explain. 

If I never had kids though, I think it would be cool to be a married couple that could have foster kids spend the night because their current foster kids went out of town and couldn’t take the kids with them. Or my friends’ kids could stay the night if they are little and both parents are super sick and are having a hard time taking care of them. Until then though, I also want to help out where I can! In the past, I’ve gone over to someone’s house to just help sort and put away all the kids’ laundry and clean up the kitchen. Other times I’ve just played with the baby while the mom took a much needed nap. And sometimes the mom’s are like, “I just want conversations with an adult instead of a toddler/baby!” so we go to the park or hang out at their house or go to Starbucks and just catch up, and it’s meeting a different kind of need. Another time when a mom was sick and didn’t want to load up the kids and go to the grocery store, I went by and got her food and drinks since her husband was at work. 

The trick is though, a lot of women don’t really ask for help, maybe because they don’t know who to ask and don’t want to be a burden, or they have asked and someone couldn’t do it, or just think they’re supposed to be super mom. I don’t know all of the reasons, since I don’t have kids myself. But I want to be someone who people can ask for help! Specifically, I’m telling you, if you have babies and little kids, I want to help you! Message me or text me or something. I do work 10-6 most days, with my normal off days being Thursdays and Sundays, but I have other random off days too. It could be something semi-regularly like every other week or once a month, only when you’re sick, random times to catch up, or just when a need arises.