Yell me a symphony in the style of a rap

Yell me a symphony in the style of a rap.
Shine a flashlight at the sun.
Ride your bike on the interstate.
Kick your house until it falls over.
Call the White House and ask if you can rent a room there for a while.
Go to an airport, yell "bomb!" and start throwing water balloons at cops.

What? Those things don't make sense?
And yet

Praise music mixes with trash music.
Words of encouragement mixes with cuss words and sex talk.
Watching the Bible on TV and watching some graphic shows right after.
Being a leader but you can't find joy in the Lord.
Seeking the Lord and not respecting other people's boundaries.

Oh, I know, we are all human.
We all sin
We all fail
We all fall short of the glory of God.
But when your life doesn't make sense,
Drop everything and make changes
That only God can help you do.
Seek out friendships to support you,
Sacrifice your earthly desires,
And run as hard as you can into God's presence.

Let everything you do be put through the filter of God.
Your time, friendships, money, books, movies, music, words, decisions....
You'll begin to see life through new eyes.
Your perspective will change.
It is worth it because it is as close to our original image as we can be.
We are created in God's image.

Some Day

Some day.
Some day this won't matter
Some day I won't care
Some day these memories will blur
Some day I'll be ok.
But when?
It's not a choice
It's not a flip of the switch
It's not a moment in time
It's not easy.
My mask is on
My walls are up
My heart is locked away.
Some day
I might be thankful
I might have clarity
I might laugh at the absurdity
But not today.

You can ask me why
But I can't answer.
You can tell me this is dumb
But I know.
You can show me good reasons
But that doesn't fix it.

I know
It's like the rain that grows the flowers
The night that makes you appreciate the day
The fire that refines the gold
The chisel that perfects the sculpture.

I will praise Him in the storm.
His word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
I will bring Him glory through the testing of my faith.
I am His child whom He loves.

Here I am

I don't remember exactly what age I was, but I know I was older than 7 because of the current house I'm in. Too big to ride my little purple tricycle, but still able to sit on it and push it with my feet and my knees off to the side because they didn't fit under the handlebars. My mom was in the garage/basement and I was pushing around on my too-small tricycle when I decided it would be fun to glide down our long driveway which is on a hill. My thought was that it would be a fun, fast ride to the bottom.

We all have those moments before the event happens when you think, "Oh, this is a good idea," and then it crashes and burns. And maybe it will forever occur in our lives because we are human.

I picked up my feet and started going down the driveway at a speed that was too fast and was unable to stop. I went shooting forward and landed on the concrete with some serious scraped up knees and I don't know where else was scraped up, I just remember my knees. I screamed and cried and my mom came to get me, helped me inside, and we worked on fixing up those wounds.

Here I am Lord, give me clear eyes to see what is smart or what would cause me damage, from the every day decisions to the biggest life decisions.  Not to be paralyzed in fear of failure or pain, because it happens, but to sit still when needed, and act in a good way when it's time.

How do you chose to view your life?

My life stinks.
I got a degree in Early Childhood Education and no longer want to teach, at least in a public school and I'm not sure about Christian schools yet. I'm making minimum wage and living at home while most of my money goes to student loans. I don't like working at Starbucks that much, and I don't know how long I'll be there. I feel stuck. And mad. I lack direction and passion and guidance. I hate people constantly asking me "what's next" and not liking my answer when I say I don't know. My coworkers sometimes make fun of me in ways that they are joking but also sometimes not joking, and those times hurt. I also want to be married and have wanted it for as long as I can remember, and it sucks watching all my friends get engaged and married. Why not me? Why has nothing even close happened? I know women who are amazing people, there's nothing wrong with them, and yet they have not married yet either, so I don't feel like something is "wrong" with me, I just don't understand why God hasn't answered that prayer yet. There are things in life that hurt me deeply, and daily. There are things I struggle with that I just have to put on a smile and move on. I want go back to Kenya, but I don't know how because my home church only sends 2 or 3 people (and sometimes those are just women) and I don't feel comfortable going in such a small group or without men. And I have never raised "all" the money to go on mission trips, I've had to save for a lot of it, and I just can't even save right now. I'm just treading water with money. I feel unmotivated a lot, and more as time goes on. On my off days or when I get home from work, I just spend it online or watching tv shows on my computer. It becomes frustrating when I keep trying to hang out with friends but no one can hang out, so I get tired of hearing no. And while I have hobbies and interests, I feel like there is always someone around who does it way better than me or I'm unable to enjoy a hobby for whatever reason.

There are people that were once in my life that are no longer in my life that I miss deeply. One was a girl who I was one of my best friends from 7th grade until about our 2nd year in college, and after a while she deleted her facebook, so I haven't been keeping in touch with her. When I tried she didn't really respond. I recently found out she got engaged and is getting married in November, and I don't even know if she'll invite me to her wedding, but that seems so weird to me because of how close we used to be. There was no "fight" or anything that pulled us apart, just time and different paths in life. And more than her, there are others as well, and some that are leaving my life soon.


My life is great.
At least I have a job. My parents and I get along and living at home isn't a terrible thing. It saves me money as well. I get free Starbucks every day. I like some of my coworkers. I don't know if my words or actions have impacted any of them, or maybe it will some day, but I've had a lot of moments where I've told them straight up about the Lord in a way that I never have before. I've had to chose to love them all even when some I clash with or get frustrated with all the time. I hope that even in a place I don't want to be that God is still using me. I am thankful that I haven't had a long string of boyfriends or carry around massive amounts of emotional baggage from bad relationships. I'm thankful for God's protection over me while I wait. I've been blessed to go to Kenya twice and Slovakia once, and while I long to go back to Kenya someday, I know that God is using me here in leading worship when I can, teaching high school girls on Sunday mornings, and other ways that are just as effective, if not more, than when I go on a mission trip. He has shown me that every DAY is a mission field in my life no matter where I am, and that brings me joy in spite of the struggle. I enjoy my time to myself a lot of times, so even though it's a little lonely, I'm also not hating it. While I sit for hours in a Starbucks or at a park reading and writing, I think to myself that one day when I have kids I might not be able to do that, so I better soak it up now and appreciate it! While I so look forward to going so many places with my future husband as well, even just local places or free places, I try to embrace this time alone to grow closer to God and reach out to other people too. There are seasons for everything and while I'm trying to pick my feet up and get a move on in life, wishing this time away, I know that this is just a season for me to slow down and let God work. I want to push forward but He wants me to just sit still. I'm trying to listen and act when I need to.

I have great people in my life. For 4 years in college I lacked deep friendships and prayed for them constantly, but hardly found them. When I came to the bible study I go to on Thursday nights, that is what I had been looking for. The friendships I've made there have been so important to me I can't even describe it. Beyond that group of people, I have also had others in random areas of my life that I have kept in touch with and am thankful for them as well. I've turned to others in my life for guidance, prayer, fun, and sometimes just hugs when I'm crying. I have poured out my life to others in return and helped others when I was able. Since I never know when someone in my life will come or go, I am constantly trying to make sure I show them I appreciate them and not take them for granted.

Places and jobs

Places I Want To Go Someday
-Somewhere in the Caribbean or islands with the clear blue water and beautiful beaches and beautiful beach houses
-On a cruise (that's sort of a place...)
-Disney World
-Islands of Adventure again (to see Harry Potter World)
-Anywhere in Europe again
-Somewhere with a lot of snow. I don't even care where that is.
-More cabins in the mountains
-Dubai

Jobs That Would Be Cool to Have But I Will Never Have
-A photographer for National Geographic ( I mean really, how would you even begin to get a job there!)
-Working at Facebook in Atlanta
-Going to schools of all different grades showing them how to use Smartboard or other technology to improve education
-Working at a church making videos, taking pictures, running social media
-Being on staff at a camp like Winshape or Sharptop - not helping with the camps, but planning, advertising, office work
-A non-profit with kids?

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I was walking down the road and I saw a candy store. I used to go there a long time ago, but left because clearly too much candy isn't good for you. But this particular day one of the workers' stepped out onto the sidewalk and said, "Hey! What happened - we used to see you in here all the time! Come try our new candy and the old stuff you used to like too. We even have free samples." I hesitated and said, "But I don't want to be stuck in there again." After internal debating, I finally went in. I was quickly drawn back in to the sweetness, the way it made me happy, the sugar high, the taste. But I knew I was not being healthy. I snuck out the door when the guy wasn't looking. But, he saw me. "Wait! Come back!" I gave in.

After a while though, the employee guy said, "Alright look, you've had too many free samples and it looks like you're getting sick from all this junk food. Maybe you should take a break." I agreed. Isn't that what I'd tried to do before? Confused but knowing he was right, I left. Since my house was right next door, I just went home. To go anywhere though, I had to keep passing by that candy shop. The next time I went by, he invited me back in. "We got new candy today. It's the best. You have to try it. Seriously, it's better than everything else." I gave in. Again. I mean, how can you turn down this amazing candy? I ate til I was sick this time. It was stupid. This kept on going on, me leaving or him kicking me out, but him asking me back in or me coming back. This candy store needed more than just candy for me to stick around - it needed all types of food to make it well balanced and healthy. I asked the guy, "Hey, look, I like all this candy, but are you going to have any healthy food coming in? Any fruits and vegies? I can't keep doing this." The guy got mad. "No. This is a candy store. Not a grocery store. You should leave."

I resolved to just not go back to the candy store. He not only kicked me out, but made me feel stupid for asking if there would be more than just the sweet stuff. I should have had more self-control, yes, and I should have left earlier. But the way he kept coming out to see me on the road to show me all the new and good looking food, that was so hard to turn down!

I was strong. I passed by that candy store with my head held high but my brain screaming, "Just go back in and eat less candy next time. Just go get one bite. Just a little bit." No. I kept going. Weeks later, just when I thought I was going to explode out of not eating this candy, that candy store employee dude walked right out that door when he saw me coming. "Well, I know it's been a while. But maybe this time will be better." I was relieved, confused, worried... I could do this right?

Wrong. It's like every time was worse than before. More of me eating too much candy. More of him telling me to leave. Sugar highs and sugar crashes. I finally went to my friend and said, "Listen. I can't do this anymore. I want to be healthy. I want a balanced food diet. I love this candy store and all that is in it, but it is bad for me, and I don't think they're going to carry more than just candy for me. So, I can't do this by myself. I need you to help me." With love, my friend helped me stop going to this candy store, and the candy store guy told me not to come back.

I still live next to the candy store. I still pass it all the time. I still see the good stuff in it. I still remember that it tasted good. But I also remember how sick it made me. Weeks are turning into months. I still want to go back in. It still makes me sad that it doesn't carry more than just candy. Sometimes I almost go back in and I stand at the window, yelling inside my head, "NOOOOOO. WALK AWAY." Other times I'm totally ok and shrug and say, "I don't care." Other times I say, "Ha! You suck candy store. You and your stupid candy."

Did I learn a million things through this process? Yep. Would I take it back? Nope. Do I feel like an idiot? Yes. Do I hope this candy store one day starts carrying healthy food too? Well... yeah. Do I expect it to? 50/50, split straight down the middle. My friend said she didn't think it would, but I shook my head and said no, I can't lean one way or another even when I try; for now and who knows how long I'll just be 50/50. Maybe it's because my brain and heart are 50/50? Brain: hey, you should have hightailed it out of there a heck of a lot earlier. You and that candy store employee were both stupid. You need to keep on walkin' until you find a grocery store that is fully stocked with everything. No candy stores. Heart: I still like candy! I still want it! I still want to eat healthy and hope it has healthy food so I can go return! Brain: Shut up. Heart: You shut up!!