Pray

Have you ever just woken up one day and felt the urge to pray about something that didn't make much sense?

Like, "Uh, ok God, why am I suddenly feeling the urge to pray about this? This is not something I really want to be praying about." But it's just too late by then. You feel it like a weight on your heart, so you have to pray about it. Well then weeks go by and it begins to be frustrating. You still feel this ache in your heart to pray about it, and yet you hear nothing from God, no direction, no peace. It begins to hurt because it's on your mind a lot and you want to pray for a specific outcome to this situtaion, but maybe that's not why God is asking you to pray. So then how to pray, what to pray for?

I don't know.

And to sit in silence, trying to listen... what a task! I wish I could say that it was an easy and beautiful thing, to sit in silence before the Lord. It should be. But it's hard. It's hard when I go back and forth between saying, "Help this to be the outcome" and "Just give me peace no matter what happens." I question whether or not God wants me to pray with persistance and faith for what I really want instead of letting my doubts toss me like the waves of the ocean, or if He wants to teach me to be satisfied in Him if the outcome is opposite of what I want. So then I don't want to pray about it, I just want to sit in silence. And still nothing.

But that doesn't stop me.... I can either have this on my heart and mind and not pray about it, or have it on my heart and mind and pray about it. It's not like not praying about it would help at all!

But man, it's like a rock sitting on me, and I just want it off.