It's almost 4:30 AM. It's a terrible time to be up blogging, even though I don't have to be at work til 1 PM (so I have to be up by noon). But there's never a bad time to give God glory.
Let me tell you how satan has been attacking me these past few weeks. He fills our brains with lies, I know that. He attacks the emotions. He knows your weak points and brings them under a microscope. It's been building and building until tonight when I was about to go to bed and decided to pray first, I just bust into tears. I felt no peace whatsoever.
I'll skip over names for this because it doesn't really matter. Friend A: She's getting married in October (I'll be in her wedding!), she just got a teaching job in Smyrna, when she gets married she's moving to Newnan, and she has been close to a best friend for about 5 years. With our totally different schedules, it's hard for us to get together. I haven't seen her since a week before we left for Slovakia. We've been texting, trying to get together, but we haven't been able to yet, and she starts teaching next week. I know she's not avoiding me, but I feel like I'm about to lose a best friend. I feel like her time in my life is...over. Friend B: She's been out of town, I've been out of town, we've both been busy, she starts school again soon...I haven't seen her in 2 months and she's also a best friend. We keep texting as well, but she hasn't gotten back to me on when is a good time for her to get together. She's seen other friends we have already, and I think, "Why not me? Why hasn't she made time for me yet? Why hasn't she texted me back to let me know when we can get together?" Friend C: I see her every week at bible study and she has been there for me through the hardest times over the past year and a half. She's held me when I cried, she's prayed for me, she's listened as I poured out my heart, and she's given me advice. Her new class and work schedule which start in 2 weeks will not allow her to come to bible study until December. She's not able to text or e-mail much, so outside of bible study it's sometimes hard to get in touch. I worry that I won't see her for 4 months. Friend D: D for "don't I feel dumb." It's a friendship that I miss, that God has just allowed to never come back together again. I sometimes think we can be friends again, but then feel stupid because that person makes no effort or makes me feel so embarassed that I even spoke to them whether they meant to or not. Like I want to say, "Oh, sorry for asking how your week was, I'll leave you alone." I don't know why I try, but something in me always does.
Situation E: Why is it that when other people plan events, tons of people can come, but if I try to plan events, nobody can come? I want to have friends over Friday night to play games at my house - I haven't invited anyone to my house in 2 years - but either people are busy or just haven't responded. So I'm pretty sure, like usual, no one can come. And that makes me feel like, "What the heck?! Why should I even invite people to hang out?" Situation F: I totally understand how when you do certain things, you only invite 2-3 people, not everybody you know. Like when my friend Christina and I went to a bunch of places last week, I only invited her and our friend Marissa because we went to SK together. Or if you want to go to the movies, you can only invite 5ish people, not 30. Cool. But it's sitll hard when you hear or see your other friends going places without you. You wonder, why wasn't I invited? Did they know I was probably working? Was it a last minute thing? Or did they literally just invite a few people to keep it small? But why those particular people? Why not me?
Ah yes. Let's just wrap it all up and summarize the above two paragraphs with these words: jealousy, awkwardness, frustration, fear, worry. Times 10. Yep.
So thanks to satan I felt like a total loser, questioning if my friends were actually my friends, and wondering if they all secretly hated me or are hoping to get rid of me soon. I sat before God and told Him all this - whined and complained - and then decided to thank him instead, and pray for each of the friends in my life. Friend A: I prayed that her marraige would be strong and based on Him, that her job would go SO great, that her wedding would be stresss-free. Friend B: I prayed for her to have peace and joy that only comes from Him no matter what her circumstance are or soon will be. Friend C: I prayed her new job would be amazing, that her classes would not be stressfull, and that she would find direction from Him in everything. I prayed for SO many more people, the list just went on and on and on. I thanked Him for each and every one of them, and remembered how 2-4 years ago I had hardly any of these friends and lacked close friends. I reminded myself how my contentment and joy and peace and self-worth does not come from the people I love, but from Him alone. I can't make decisions in life based on these people, but on what God leads me to do.
And I sat in silence for a while...that is so hard to do. I didn't hear God directly say anything, but as I sat, I asked Him to let me see my life through His eyes in the bigger picture. Peace washed over me. I imagined my grandma who is 85 talking about a problem she had when she was 24. Well it probably wouldn't matter any more! I imagined looking back and adding Starbucks to the list of jobs I've had and that's about it...having it in the list of things I've done. Life is short. Life is about telling others about God. Life is about knowing God better and deeper. Life is about serving and loving others. Life is about keeping your eyes on God in spite of the attacks and the fears and the worry. Satan will shoot arrows and even use people we know and love to help shoot them at us too, but GOD is bigger. He is greater than all of my emotions and worries. I am so thankful for a God who made the universe, counting every star and every hair on my head. His love is more than we can comprehend and more than we will ever know until we reach heaven. That day when we reach heaven....that will be the most amazing thing ever, that will far surpass all earthly trials we go through.
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