The good things as of lately

My mission trip to South Dakota is in 5 weeks (and 2 days)! I've been helping plan it the last few weeks, and it's exciting. I'm excited to go to a new place, take pictures, go with people that I love as well as new people, and most of all, to share the love of Jesus with more people. 

I have a new "job" - eight to ten hours a week I'm helping with admin stuff at my church. This sounds minor, but to me it's a major because:

-that means only 4 days at Starbucks instead of 5

-I like meetings and planning and that's what I'm doing! 

-I finally have a good reason to use OneNote

-I'm working with awesome people 

-It's nice actually liking what I do for a job instead of working because I have to 

In two weeks, our small groups at church are starting! And to start off with I'm going to two. :-) Because I like the people in both, and just am not sure which one I'm going to stay in yet. But I'm looking forward to being in a bible study again. 

Books are just awesome. I love reading. It makes the boring days good. 

I've been enjoying time with friends. Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold. 

Is this the last time?

Sometimes you know when the last time you do something is. And sometimes there’s no way of knowing. Valentine’s Day was this past week, and I’ve never really been one of those “I’m so mad I’m single on Valentine’s Day” because it’s simply a day. But I did wonder… What if this was my last Valentine’s Day being single? Because in the course of a year, a lot can happen. Not saying I would be married this time next year, but someday will be my last Valentine’s Day being single, and I won’t have even known it until the next year. Same for anything really. Like what if this year I had a boyfriend and got engaged, and didn’t know that this past Christmas was my last one at my current church? What if last year’s trip to Kenya was the last one I went to single, since I’m not sure what year I’m going back again, and I didn’t know it? Honestly it crossed my mind while I was there. But of course, there’s no way to know.

Or maybe I’ll get a new job this year, and December was the last insane December at Starbucks. And I won’t have known it.

It’s hard to imagine those things because of the 6 years I’ve been at Starbucks and the 30 years (in May) that I’ve been single… not that my first 13 years really counted as being single, hahaha… and so the concept of those things changing don’t really compute well in my brain. They both sound as far away as retiring, or dying of old age. These people who say that life is short or that time flies, I’m not sure what they’re doing to make them think that. I feel like it’s the movie Ground Hog Day a lot of times.

Don’t get me wrong – right now in my life I am happy with a lot of things! Church is good, we’re about to start small groups, I always enjoy taking pictures, I love getting together with friends, my new boss is great, I’m excited about going on a mission trip to South Dakota in a few weeks, I’m planning some other trips for this year, and more. I’m trying to enjoy this “season” of my life and “make the most of where I’m planted.” Insert all the cliché quotes here. But the underlying desires don’t simply go away. They just sit underneath it all.

It's weird when you know your perspective is off, but you keep getting it pulled into focus in your life anyways.

I have a lot of great things in my life! But the things that walk center stage for 8 hours of my day are things that are annoying, things that make me angry, etc. It's often repetitive, out of my control, and if I try to talk to someone about it, they don't care or don't remember. It doesn't help that most of my coworkers get caught up in complaining too.

-People leave the pitcher rinser running, so it's the sound of constant loud running water. Not only does the sound get on my nerves, but sometimes it makes me not be able to hear customers well.
-Someone putting clean dishes back out so we get it dirty again before the night is over
-People who say the same exact same phrase or sentence to every customer. In response to "how are you?" "Oh hanging in there!" "Can't complain! No one would care if I did!" "I'm tired but I gotta be here."
-Putting dirty dishes in the soap water before rinsing them off (or just leaving them on the side for someone else to do) which makes the water immediately brown with coffee, mocha, etc.
-Some people are just really bad at drivethru and everybody gets confused, they ask unnecessary questions and confuse the customer, etc.
-We're supposed to have under 50 seconds per car at the window from open 7:00 AM - 11:00 AM, so some people get extremely stressed, get angry, ask why a person is still at the window when you have no control over it, ask them to pull up so we can take stuff out to them but there aren't always enough people to do that and then it throws us all off
-People who try to finish a drink that I'm still holding IN MY HAND as if they were being helpful
-Someone leaving a drink half finished and walking off and forgetting about it
-People not making whip creams or filling up half and half carafes, so then when we need them we're rushing to do it because we need it RIGHT THEN
-Someone making loud breathing noises into the headset, weird popping sounds, and pushing the mic to their mouth too far and being WAY louder and hurting my ears, even when ask them to stop
-People doing other things off the floor and then not coming to help us when we get slammed
-Customers who say frappe or frapp instead of Frappuccino
-Customers who add a million things at the window and hold up the line instead of ordering at the box like a normal person

This list never ends. And some people I work with are amazingly annoying, like I didn't know I could be that annoyed with a person until I worked at SB.

I don't want to be so frustrated with all of these things. They are minor in the grand scheme of things. Some of them are really petty and small. Sometimes I try to constantly think about other things at work. The good things. Things at church, things coming up that I'm looking forward to, good books I'm reading, etc. Sometimes that does great! Other times it doesn't. Sometimes I try to pray all day. That works when I am mostly cleaning and doing dishes, but not at all when I'm making drinks and ringing people up because that requires my full attention. But overall, it's just draining. I feel stuck in it. I can't get out. I see no end to it.

All the lists!

Top 5 Favorite Books I Read This Year (I read 31 total)
1. With Christ in the School of Prayer, by Andrew Murray
2. Nyxia, by Scott Reintgen
3. Awaken, by Priscilla Shirer
4. The Enemy Within: Straight Talk about the Power and Defeat of Sin, by Kris Lundgaard
5. Elites of Eden, by Joey Graceffa

Top 5 Favorite Places I Went This Year
1. Kenya
2. Blue Ridge for the weekend
3. Andrettis for gokart racing, laser tag, and arcade games
4. To my friend Kaylene's house a few times
5. Taqueria Tsunami because I love that place but don't get to go often

Top 3 Things I Accomplished This Year
1. Lost 20 pounds in 6 months
2. Read 31 books
3. Shot 11 paid photoshoots and 6 events at church

Things I'm Looking Forward To in 2018
1. New things that are going to be happening at Vertical Life Church
2. I'm going to South Dakota for a mission trip
3. Going to visit my aunt, uncle, cousins, and my cousin's baby
4. Reading more good books
5. Spending more time with friends
6. Seeing what God is going to do

Wrestling

Two years ago, I picked a "word for the year" because it was something we were doing in bible study. I picked extravagant love and yes it's two words - because I wanted to love more than just normal love. I wanted to go over and above. Last January I decided not to do the word of the year thing. And a few weeks ago someone asked if there was a word that summed up my year and I realized yes... God had picked a word for me. Extravagant love had been about me and other people. But this year God picked the word "wrestle" for me, and it was all about me and God. 

This included fasting, praying more than I ever have, listening more than I ever have, really looking at the scriptures I didn't understand or see to be true in my life and figuring out what they meant, and more. It meant continually coming back to God and saying, "I know this is the 365th day this year that I've brought this to you, but here I am again!" 

I started off the year reading about Jacob wrestling with the Lord. And not surprisingly, it was in just about every book I read this year, lots of articles, lots of podcasts, etc. And every time I read about it or heard about it again, I learned something new or saw things differently or saw it reflected in my own life. 

Most recently I had the realization that God is a persistent God. More than a child, more than a stubborn person, more than me... And I'm so thankful for that. He has been persistent in showing me this story all year, and in many other ways in life. 

Also recently, in the Beth Moore bible study, "The Quest" she said that the word wrestle is only one letter off in Hebrew from the word embrace. Only one letter is added to the beginning. That's fascinating to me! 

I've realized that Jacob was alone when he wrestled with God, and that a lot of "God-moments" in the bible happened when the person was alone. 

There was a day when I prayed, "God, can I just rest in the waiting? It says you've come to bring rest and that your burden is light so..." I immediately heard back, "No. You've been 'resting' for years. There is a difference between resting and not being bold in prayer, active in listening, and active in obedience." And I remembered the well-quoted verse, "Hold still for the the Lord will fight for you," and how it's followed up with God saying, "Why are you still crying out to me? Get moving!" but nobody talks about that part. The Israelites could not have sat down at the edge of the Red Sea and waited - they needed to part the waters and go through it. 

You're playing the wrong game

Almost every day at work there's a point where I'm so stressed and my anxiety is so high that I stop functioning correctly, I start getting angry, I start doing things wrong, and I think how can I even get through the next five minutes without crying? And on days when that lasts too long, I have anxiety dreams too. And sometimes I do cry.

There are times when we are understaffed or someone is on a 30 minute lunch break and we get busy. Or, we just simply get too busy. Someone orders one...or three... venti coffees and I turn around and we have NO coffee. So I need to brew more. And then there are multiple things to go in the oven at the same time which each take a lot of time to get the bag ready, sometimes cut the bagel or unwrap the sandwich and get everything in and out without dropping anything. Then the headset is always dinging. People are always talking in your ear, sometimes multiple people. Then sometimes if there's just two of us, I have to go over on bar and start making drinks... and realize we're out of something like ice or mocha or something that takes time to run to the back to get more and change the pumps on the syrup or scoop the ice into the bucket it and run it back up. Or sometimes we're out of the food the person is looking for in the drive thru and we're running around the store to the fridge, the back fridge, the front of the pastry case, etc. to see if we have more of something, and then sometimes they want to know the price right then so we run back to the computer in the drivethru if the one up front is busy. And then people order things at the window, or they want something remade, and new people need to be shown how to do things, or the trash at the condiment bar by the front door has no cream and sugar, or there's no toilet paper in the bathroom and someone needs me to restock it right then instead of using the other one. Mobile orders come in from people's phone and they do it from the parking lot sometimes or in the store or in the drivethru and immediately ask for their drink as if we're magic. We are, but not that magic. Some orders come with 5 food items and 7 drinks, and if they come through the drive thru in the morning before 11 AM, we're supposed to get that all out the window in under 50 seconds. Each car should not be at the window more than 50 seconds, so when they get to the window and order a sandwich that heats for a minute and a half, you'll either get reprimanded by somebody up high on the chain of people eventually, or ask them to pull up and have someone run the food out to them. Sometimes in the middle of all that stress somebody is yelling at you or angry or they're telling you what a terrible human you are for not understanding them when they said the wrong thing anyways or you won't break the rules for them. The phone rings and we're supposed to answer it. There are timers beeping all the time that tell us when to brew more coffee, when to stop steeping the tea, when to change the sanitizer water, when to clean every spoon and ice scoop in the store and bring up new ones. There's a beeping safe when the shift is counting money, and sometimes they can't get back to it fast enough so the beeping is loud and keeps going. And somehow we're supposed to keep the counters clean, keep making whip creams, keep stocking cups and lids and milks from the back, and KEEP A FREAKING SMILE ON YOUR FACE AT ALL TIMES OR SOMEBODY IS PISSED THAT YOU AREN'T SMILING AT THEM BECAUSE THAT MUST MEAN YOU ARE BEING A JERK TO THEM IF YOU DIDN'T SMILE!!

Let me tell you world... you are playing the wrong game in life, with the wrong rules, with the wrong game plan, with the wrong emphasis on things. You are gauging success by how short of a time someone is at the drive thru window, how perfect the store is, how clean it is, how much money you make, how little of mistakes you make, your GPA, your title at your job...

It's like you're playing Monopoly but the world is set up to play Settlers of Catan. So you're all losing. Everything you are placing as important in life is temporary and fleeting and in the end will be meaningless... but it's already meaningless. You see, the rules of the game are this: The most important thing on earth is that God is glorified. That He is made known, that others are brought to Him, that we love with the most love we possibly can, that we use our gifts and talents to serve Him and serve others, that souls are rescued from hell, that we build each other up and draw each other in. So when you are dead and standing before the Living God, the window times and bank accounts will not even be a dot on the spectrum of your life. It will be the treasures you stored up - the love you shared, the glory you gave Him, the people you shared God with. So while you keep accumulating your Monopoly money and buying plastic houses, I'm going to keep playing the game the way the world was made. I keep trying to remember that when I'm stressed, in those moments of sheer panic at work. This is temporary. This is meaningless. This is fleeting. This is not important. This is actually ridiculously silly, to be stressed over moving my body as fast as possible to get people mere drinks and food as fast as possible. Sometimes I'm good at reminding myself of that. Other times I am not. And I ache not to be stressed anymore. I ache to be calm and quiet and peaceful. But the Lord has not allowed any other job to happen. In the meantime, I will try to slow down despite the pressure of the world, and hold my ground.

Scripture

“Jesus responded, ‘Did I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?’” – John 11:40

“You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.” – Luke 1:45

“Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you in skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am Lord.” – Ezekiel 37:4-6

“God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” – James 1:12

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” – 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

“The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. The Lord gives his people strength. He is a safe fortress for his anointed king.” – Psalm 28:7-8

“So I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” – Luke 11:9

Cleaning

God’s funny. I mean it. He is.

The other day I was praying, and I asked Him, “Is there anything I should be doing to prepare for being married?” In my head I was thinking like what I should be working on as far as my character, reading certain books, certain habits, etc. In response, I heard a thought not of my own, “Deep clean your room. You don’t want all of this stuff going into a marriage, unpacking boxes of random things into a new home.” Eew. What? I hate cleaning. And I laughed because I’m like, ok, but I’m not even dating anybody, why should I go through all my stuff as if I were close to marriage? *Insert eye roll here.*

But since I felt like He actually said that, that’s what I’ve been doing the past few days. I have boxes of things that I either thought I might want/use later in life, or things that are sentimental to me. But honestly, there are also things I’ve been just too lazy to go through, and therefore it just sat there. Things I knew would take hours to go through so I didn’t want to do it, kind of like trying to clean out 5,000 emails in your inbox, when it’s just easier to let them stay. So anyways, not that I’ve been “cleaning” to make my room look clean, but purging to make my room be less full.

In the process, it’s a walk down memory lane. It’s pictures that bring back so many happy memories, and also so many sad ones. It’s a reminder of the people who have made me “me,” and the people who I’m SO GLAD AREN’T IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. Hahaha.

So, future husband, somewhere out there on planet earth, some day you will be glad I’ve whittled down my stuff so that when I unpack I will enjoy showing you parts of my life that were important to me, instead of just stuff I kept because I was too lazy to deal with it. 

Ocean deep

“Jesus responded, ‘Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?’” – John 11:40

I’m standing at the Red Sea with the Egyptians at my heels, and the sea hasn’t parted. I’m sitting at Lazarus’ tomb and Jesus hasn’t raised him yet. I’m walking around Jericho every day and the walls haven’t fallen. I’m taking three steps forward, two steps back like Joseph as he made his way towards where God wanted him when God gave him the dream. I heard the Lord. But my circumstances are at a standstill. They’re ocean deep, dead, huge-wall-high, prison-chains-depressing.

Step one – ask. Check.

Step two – listen. Check.

Step three – ask for crazy God-confirmations. Check check check check check.

Step four – obey. I think check?

Step five – wait. CHHHEEECCCCKKKKKKK.

Repeat.

Today as I prayed and washed dishes I was mad. I told God I’m not praying today or tomorrow about this situation I’m talking about. Because I need two days off. Not from prayer, but from praying about “the thing.” But tonight I felt like God said nah, you just need to thank me and praise me about it and only say positive things about it.

So I thanked him for speaking. I thanked him for confirming things. I thanked him for his perfect timing and his perfect plans. I thanked him for his working when I cannot see. I thanked him for the future and what is to come. I thanked him that someday when all is said and done, that this story will bring him glory and hopefully bring others closer to him. I thanked him for the people who listen in my struggling, and the ones who don’t get tired of asking how it’s going. I thanked him that he provides in big ways and small ways, daily small things that are beautiful if I just keep my eyes open for them. I thanked him for being a steady ground and a steady rock when my heart hurts and my fears creep in and the lies start coming in. I thanked him for the bible which shows me awesome stories from the beginning to the end. I thanked him for how he is going to do a miracle soon. 

Come on. Let's go.

The Lord invited me to wrestle. It was the beginning of December of 2016, and I said no. I just flat out said nope, I don't want to deal with this thing that has been sitting in my heart for years. But as January started, I knew He was still telling me, "Come on. Let's go." I rolled up my spiritual sleeves and said ok. 

I posed God with a major question. One that I had been wondering in my heart for years. The kind where if I told anybody my struggle they would say, "What do you feel like the Lord has said about it?" "NOTHING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY." Or, "Maybe yes? But maybe that's only because I wish His answer was a yes?" While I don't feel like sharing with the world wide web the exact details of this question, I am still writing about it because I know God will still get glory from this to whoever may read it. 

I knew I wanted to hear the Lord clearly, loudly, and repetitively. Not to have Him prove himself or out of doubt, but out of wanting to hear the Lord's guidance, an answer, how He wanted me to be obedient in waiting or in acting, and how I should be praying. But I wondered if my prayers asking Him for confirmation were an ok thing to do. I have no idea how I came across this verse one night in late January, but it was the Lord saying to King Ahaz, "Ask the Lord your God for a sign of confirmation, Ahaz. Make it as difficult as you want - as high as heaven or as deep as the place of the dead." But the king refused. "No," he said, "I will not test the Lord like that." (Isaiah 7:11-12) But God went on to say, "No, I'm telling you to ask for a sign of confirmation because I want to give it to you!" It was the awesome moment where I knew what I was doing was right - seeking for the Lord to speak to me, not to test Him, but to communicate with Him. And I didn't want these confirmations to be something small or silly or coincidences that could be brushed off. I needed these things to be major God things. 

As He began to speak in crazy ways, I wrote them down. I numbered them. I wrote how He responded to my prayers. I took pictures of things that I read or saw that I felt like was God saying yes. And still, I questioned if what I was doing was crazy. Sometimes I'd hear "yes!" multiple times in a week, and other times weeks would go by and I wouldn't hear anything. I wanted to believe that God was truly saying yes, but my circumstances regarding this thing hadn't changed and were still FAR from any change. It wasn't until about 33 times of God saying yes did I start to believe it. Then, in early June, I went to my friend's house and told her everything that was going on. I needed to know if these things I thought were from God were just me seeking something out that wasn't there. 

My friend said,"Ok what!?! He has said yes 33 times and you're still questioning it? Those aren't normal things. Those are amazing things! Those are things that you didn't go searching for, but that the Lord brought straight to you! It's not like you googled them and then claimed it as yours!" So I switched my question then to, "Well then, if I am to believe this is true... when?" I began asking the Lord for a time frame. When I left for Kenya at the beginning of July, I was at 36 times of the Lord saying yes. Since the beginning of July, I haven't heard God say when, or even any more signs of confirmation. But of course, I struggle. Of course I come before Him constantly and say, "Ok. I believe you. But I'm terrified. Because if I've heard You wrong, then I don't think I will ever know what it means to hear You. I don't doubt Your promises, I doubt my ability to hear them correctly. But these things have all been pretty big. So how am I supposed to align my feelings up with them? How am I supposed to act differently? How am I supposed to fight the fear and the sadness and the doubt as I wait for Your timing?" 

And so it began again last night. My fears yelling that I've heard it all wrong. That these last 8 months have been for nothing. That some day I would look back and say, "What in the world happened there??" I prayed and prayed against it. I opened up my new devotional book by Priscilla Shirer, "Awaken." I read 2 or 3 a day. So the first one I opened to was about the Israelites not believing that God would bring them to the promised land, all except two men, and so the Lord only brought those two men into the promised land because no one else believed Him. I remembered the verse, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said." (Luke 1:45) I remembered Jacob wrestling with the Lord saying He wouldn't let go until the Lord blessed him. 

What does it look like to actively believe God's promise to me when my emotions aren't always stable? Does it mean constantly thanking Him for what has happened so far, and thank Him for what is to come? Does it mean continuing to look back at the 36 times He said yes, like the times people in the Old Testament would name rocks as a reminder of what He had done? Does it mean to put these verses on my walls and on my phone to see constantly and places where I am constantly reminded of them? I think yes to all of those. But I am not sure what else yet. I know that I want to receive what the Lord has promised me with faith, not with doubt. And hence the wrestling. I asked God if I could just rest in the waiting, but I remembered that I rested for years in the waiting, praying the safe prayers and doing the safe things. So no, I don't think there is any more time for resting in the waiting. 

"Moses told the people,'Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.' Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving!" (Exodus 14:13-14) This was right before the parting of the red sea. Yes, God did huge things! But it also required the Isralites to get a move on, and walk across, not just sit still! We hear these verses separated - "Just stand still. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." But then God is like, "Nope! Don't just stand still! Yes, I will rescue you, but you have to move!" I know that I am in a similar place. Spiritually, I have to move. But in circumstances, I have to wait. 

Perhaps some day I will be able to share the whole story, from beginning to end, from the moment I asked God the question, until the moment He fulfills it. Until then, I'm in the middle of the story, the middle of the storm, the middle of the battle. He is gracious to me in His constant encouragement and confirmation, and only the Holy Spirit in me is able to comfort me and put peace in my heart. 

"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." (James 5:16) I look forward to seeing what great power the Lord unleashes and the wonderful results that flourish from Him allowing me to be part of His plans.