To write or not to write, that is the question

Sometimes I sit down to write what is heavy on my heart and think, "Do I really want to write this down? Because do I want to remember this a year from now, 5 years from now, in detail? With the words that hurt or the feelings flooding back? Maybe not, but I have to write about it. I have to process and get it out." And no, I can't just type something up and toss it out. Ah, the inner debate of a writer. To not journal about something important is almost impossible for me. But sometimes I want those memories to blur like the way you think back to your kindergarten days, and you can only remember certain things and certain people, and then one day you're not sure if what you remember is even accurate anymore. Sometimes I want things in life to just blur away.

When I was in middle school I wrote in my journal about how much I hated life, how sad I was, the people that made fun of me, etc. A few years ago I pulled them out and read through them and literally threw away huge amounts of my journals from those years because I didn't want to carry those around with me through life anymore. It's long gone, and I am a different person now. I don't miss those pages. I don't miss the vivid descriptions of how it felt to not speak to a single person all day and have people complain that there was no one else to be partners with in class so they had to be partners with me.

So when I write things down now, will I read them back in 10 years and throw away pages because I want them gone? Or should I just not write them down at all?

Because some day, the very things that hurt might be the reminders of God protecting you or changing you or doing something in your life. It might be what makes you stop and be thankful that God said no to your prayers because He had a different timeline in mind, different plans, different things.

Also, I would like to take a moment to view life from a heavenly perspective.

"For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18

We fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen - God. Jesus. The Holy Spirit. Focusing on Him and letting Him fill us up with joy and peace is what pushes me on in life, and reminds me that nothing is out of his control, and that His plan is so intricate down to seconds of time, a single sentence that is spoken, a single day in life. I am so thankful for that! So as my story continues on, I will "focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." (Philippians 3:13-14)