When I was 13, I made up my own word - quatumpulis. It means feeling a million things at once, all different feelings. Happy, sad, mad, hurt, excited, distracted, smitten, giddy, afraid, drained, cautious, stupid, silly, serious, stressed... any combination, but it would explain that feeling that is so many at once.
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'm feeling quatumpulis."
Ah, that word that I made up so clearly describes how I feel right now. The irony of that sentence is that nothing is clear about that word or the feelings it describes. So, it's ironic.
I'm stressed about finding a new car and about applying to a school for photography.
I'm excited about the thought of going back to school for photography.
I'm worried about money.
I'm sad because I miss some people and friends.
I'm happy because I have amazing friends who fill my life with joy.
I'm hurting because ____________ (yeah, I'm not writing that here).
I'm at peace because I know God's plan is bigger than mine, despite my squirming and complaining in the process.
I'm thankful for my parents who help me out when I need it, let me share their car, and love me all the time.
I'm mad when I mess up, when I get too emotional about things, or when I can't say to myself, "I don't care," and then let things drift away from my mind and not let it eat me up.
I'm drained from the monotony of work.
I feel stupid because ___________.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Dreams. Part two.
One of the questions in the book, "You Were Made For A God-Sized Dream," by Holley Gerth as I mentioned in my previous post, was something along the lines of: Allow yourself to think big for a moment. Don't think that you don't have enough money, enough talent, enough resources, or that it wouldn't be possible. Just think big. What would be the biggest dream you could think of? Ok, got it? Now, what would be the very first step in getting there from where you are now?
I looked at my list of interests and talents. While they were long, I didn't see any being plausible or worth pursing as a career. Finally, the only one I could think of to the first part of that question, as big as I could think, was, "It would be cool to take pictures for National Geographic, sometimes traveling the world, and sometimes staying local. To be paid to walk through the streets of a foreign country, tropical beaches, or snowy mountains, and just take hundreds of pictures? I mean, who HAS that job?! How the heck do they get that??"
When I was 7 I had a black plastic camera where you had to scroll the wheel in between each picture to advance the film, you had to turn on the flash and let it "warm up," and the back opened up to take out the film. It took like a week or something for the film to be developed at the store. In middle school and most of high school, I used disposable cameras. I could get the picture back in two days, and then you could pay extra for them to get it back in an hour or two, and I always wanted to pay extra. I also always wanted doubles of my pictures, so I could put one set in a photo album, and the other I could cut up and put on my bulletin board, locker, notebook, etc. I didn't get my first digital camera until I was 17, Christmas of my senior year.
In August of 2012, my friend Michael asked me to come on a youth trip with them to a camp called Sharp Top Cove, to take pictures for the weekend for the entire camp. I forget how many kids were there, but I'm going to guess at about 500? Anyways, I knew my camera was good, but not that good, and I wanted it to be amazing photography. I wanted to aim high. So I asked another friend, Chris, if I could borrow his majorly expensive camera and it's multiple lenses. I was actually surprised he said yes because I hadn't known him all that long. So I went and shot pictures the whole weekend, handing over the best pictures every so often throughout the weekend so they could put it in a slideshow for the kids to see (6th-12th grade). It was such a cool experience, being the main photographer. It was then I thought, maybe I want to do this all the time. But I don't know how.
So I guess you could say for 16 months I looked for jobs in photography, but not the entire time because it was discouraging. I looked for other jobs too, but nothing came up. Finally, a week before Thanksgiving, I met someone who works with Chick-fil-a corporate and I asked him who takes their pictures? He said, "We get interns sometimes from schools in Atlanta, like SCAD, and we also have this other guy we have hired." Oh, SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design) is like a million dollars. Cool. Like I have that kind of money. I searched for other schools in the Atlanta area that had photography programs though, and came up with three. I went and visited two last week and I think I'm going to one and start in April because it's on the quarter system. I hope I get in.
I am worried about money, debt, working less, time management, being good enough... but my excitement is equal to it, so I'm ok. I've heard stories of the people who come out of those schools, and they go on to do amazing and huge things! Two years is nothin' compared to my 5 in undergrad! Right? Right. I hope to make new friends that I keep in touch with for a long time, I know I'll learn a ton, and I hope that God will then lead me on to a great job.
I looked at my list of interests and talents. While they were long, I didn't see any being plausible or worth pursing as a career. Finally, the only one I could think of to the first part of that question, as big as I could think, was, "It would be cool to take pictures for National Geographic, sometimes traveling the world, and sometimes staying local. To be paid to walk through the streets of a foreign country, tropical beaches, or snowy mountains, and just take hundreds of pictures? I mean, who HAS that job?! How the heck do they get that??"
When I was 7 I had a black plastic camera where you had to scroll the wheel in between each picture to advance the film, you had to turn on the flash and let it "warm up," and the back opened up to take out the film. It took like a week or something for the film to be developed at the store. In middle school and most of high school, I used disposable cameras. I could get the picture back in two days, and then you could pay extra for them to get it back in an hour or two, and I always wanted to pay extra. I also always wanted doubles of my pictures, so I could put one set in a photo album, and the other I could cut up and put on my bulletin board, locker, notebook, etc. I didn't get my first digital camera until I was 17, Christmas of my senior year.
In August of 2012, my friend Michael asked me to come on a youth trip with them to a camp called Sharp Top Cove, to take pictures for the weekend for the entire camp. I forget how many kids were there, but I'm going to guess at about 500? Anyways, I knew my camera was good, but not that good, and I wanted it to be amazing photography. I wanted to aim high. So I asked another friend, Chris, if I could borrow his majorly expensive camera and it's multiple lenses. I was actually surprised he said yes because I hadn't known him all that long. So I went and shot pictures the whole weekend, handing over the best pictures every so often throughout the weekend so they could put it in a slideshow for the kids to see (6th-12th grade). It was such a cool experience, being the main photographer. It was then I thought, maybe I want to do this all the time. But I don't know how.
So I guess you could say for 16 months I looked for jobs in photography, but not the entire time because it was discouraging. I looked for other jobs too, but nothing came up. Finally, a week before Thanksgiving, I met someone who works with Chick-fil-a corporate and I asked him who takes their pictures? He said, "We get interns sometimes from schools in Atlanta, like SCAD, and we also have this other guy we have hired." Oh, SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design) is like a million dollars. Cool. Like I have that kind of money. I searched for other schools in the Atlanta area that had photography programs though, and came up with three. I went and visited two last week and I think I'm going to one and start in April because it's on the quarter system. I hope I get in.
I am worried about money, debt, working less, time management, being good enough... but my excitement is equal to it, so I'm ok. I've heard stories of the people who come out of those schools, and they go on to do amazing and huge things! Two years is nothin' compared to my 5 in undergrad! Right? Right. I hope to make new friends that I keep in touch with for a long time, I know I'll learn a ton, and I hope that God will then lead me on to a great job.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Dreams. Part one.
I started reading this book at the end of January 2013 called, "You're Made for a God-Sized Dream," by Holley Gerth. I picked it up at the Christian bookstore because I seemed to lack dreams and direction. There were specific questions in the book that really inspired me. I'm not writing them down in this blog, but other things that were awesome.
The book started off by saying that the size of the dream isn't what matters, it's about how God made the dream to fit your heart. The following is directly from the book but just taking a few sentences out of each one.
Five Lies That Keep Us From Dreaming
1. Dreaming is selfish. The enemy knows that it's often one little word that can stop our dreaming in its tracks: selfish. Your dreams, your desires, your hopes are not selfish when they are from God's heart and in his hands. The people in your life may not always like that you're following your dream. You don't have to make everyone in your life happy - the only thing you must do is be obedient.
2. I don't have what it takes. It seems as soon as we give ourselves permission to dream, comparison is nipping at our heels. We look around and see others who are better, skinnier, more eloquent than us. Before we even get started, we disqualify ourselves. He doesn't want you to be a "me too" when it comes to your dreams. He wants the one, original you whom he created to do exactly what he made you alone to do.
3. It's too late. It's only too late for our dreams when we decide to write, "The End" on our stories and close the book. As an anonymous quote my mom has on her refrigerator reads, "Never place a period where God has placed a comma."
4. I don't deserve to dream. You have not been disqualified from dreaming. No matter what you've done. No matter what choices you've made. Dreams are about the future. You are forgiven.
5. I don't have time. If the enemy can't make us deny our dreams, then it seems the next tactic is to make us delay them. Yes, there are seasons for waiting and being still because that's what God has asked us to do. I'm not talking about those. I'm speaking of the seasons when we let procrastination get the best of us (and we all do sometimes).
Other things from the book that rocked:
"Let me tell you a secret: your dream will not fill you up. Yes, there will be some wonderful moments. Yes, there will be joy along the way. But it will also be hard, even exhausting, and push you to your limits at times."
"God-sized dreamers are positive people. Not the pie-in-the-sky-everything-is-perfect kind. Not the slap-on-silly-grin type. I mean true optimists. The kind who can maintain a realistic, resilient belief even in the middle of difficult circumstances. You are one of those people. You may have even had others teas you a bit about it. But let me tell you, being a true optimist in the world today is no small feat. Optimism doesn't come naturally to any of us. We're simply not wired that way. If you choose to focus on what is good, true, and lovely, then you've mad a deliberate choice to do so."
"Your most valuable asset as a God-sized dreamer isn't the plans you make or the connections you have. It's not the talents you posses or the experiences you can list. It's your heart. That's where the One who gives you dreams and makes them come true dwells. It's where you hear his voice and learn to follow faithfully. It's where you love, which is the most beautiful dream of all. Guard your heart like you would a priceless treasure. It's of great worth and can't be replaced by anyone or anything."
Part two of this blog will follow soon. :-)
The book started off by saying that the size of the dream isn't what matters, it's about how God made the dream to fit your heart. The following is directly from the book but just taking a few sentences out of each one.
Five Lies That Keep Us From Dreaming
1. Dreaming is selfish. The enemy knows that it's often one little word that can stop our dreaming in its tracks: selfish. Your dreams, your desires, your hopes are not selfish when they are from God's heart and in his hands. The people in your life may not always like that you're following your dream. You don't have to make everyone in your life happy - the only thing you must do is be obedient.
2. I don't have what it takes. It seems as soon as we give ourselves permission to dream, comparison is nipping at our heels. We look around and see others who are better, skinnier, more eloquent than us. Before we even get started, we disqualify ourselves. He doesn't want you to be a "me too" when it comes to your dreams. He wants the one, original you whom he created to do exactly what he made you alone to do.
3. It's too late. It's only too late for our dreams when we decide to write, "The End" on our stories and close the book. As an anonymous quote my mom has on her refrigerator reads, "Never place a period where God has placed a comma."
4. I don't deserve to dream. You have not been disqualified from dreaming. No matter what you've done. No matter what choices you've made. Dreams are about the future. You are forgiven.
5. I don't have time. If the enemy can't make us deny our dreams, then it seems the next tactic is to make us delay them. Yes, there are seasons for waiting and being still because that's what God has asked us to do. I'm not talking about those. I'm speaking of the seasons when we let procrastination get the best of us (and we all do sometimes).
Other things from the book that rocked:
"Let me tell you a secret: your dream will not fill you up. Yes, there will be some wonderful moments. Yes, there will be joy along the way. But it will also be hard, even exhausting, and push you to your limits at times."
"God-sized dreamers are positive people. Not the pie-in-the-sky-everything-is-perfect kind. Not the slap-on-silly-grin type. I mean true optimists. The kind who can maintain a realistic, resilient belief even in the middle of difficult circumstances. You are one of those people. You may have even had others teas you a bit about it. But let me tell you, being a true optimist in the world today is no small feat. Optimism doesn't come naturally to any of us. We're simply not wired that way. If you choose to focus on what is good, true, and lovely, then you've mad a deliberate choice to do so."
"Your most valuable asset as a God-sized dreamer isn't the plans you make or the connections you have. It's not the talents you posses or the experiences you can list. It's your heart. That's where the One who gives you dreams and makes them come true dwells. It's where you hear his voice and learn to follow faithfully. It's where you love, which is the most beautiful dream of all. Guard your heart like you would a priceless treasure. It's of great worth and can't be replaced by anyone or anything."
Part two of this blog will follow soon. :-)
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Huge
Things that are big deals
Change with age,
With time,
With circumstances,
And with growth as a person.
So here it goes.
Opening presents on Christmas day or your birthday
Getting 10 extra minutes on the playground
Class parties with cookies and decorations, valentines from friends, and hugs all around
That boy circling "no" when you send him a note to ask if he likes you
Insults about your handwriting, your clothes, your personality
Sleepovers
Having a best friend to do everything with
Playing piano for the 5th grade talent show
Getting glasses
Saying goodbye to friends and teachers as middle school looms ahead
Growing apart from your elementary best friend "forever"
Struggling with school for the first time
Being made fun of left and right
Youth group events, lock-ins, and trips
Having no friends in school
Eating lunch in the bathroom at school every day for a year
Feeling depressed but not sure why
Getting contacts
Fighting for first chair in the clarinet section and always coming up at second
Having teachers who care and encourage and pour into you, making you feel hopeful
The fear that high school could be worse than middle school
A group of friends through thick and thin
Teachers that meant the world to me
Getting my license
Going on trips and competitions with chorus
Singing the National Anthem at graduation all 4 years
Not having a date for prom and literally being the 9th wheel in the group
Having someone sweet enough to anonymously pay for my way to prom
Wishing I had a boyfriend
More amazing youth trips and events
First jobs that sucked
Saying goodbye to my best friends
Not getting into the college I wanted to
Living on my own with a roommate for two years in a cute house that I adored
Occurring debt but not really caring
Hating classes and homework, drowning in the amount of work
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Falling in love with guys who didn't love me back
Graduating
Discovering at the end of college that I didn't want to teach and standing with a blank canvas of life ahead of me
Going to Kenya twice and returning home with a new perspective on life
Turning 21
Single and hating it
Going to weddings and baby showers for friends, bittersweet
Watching guys I used to like go on to date and marry other people
Moving back home
Finding a bible study group and friends towards the end of college that changed my life
Paying off debt
Job searching
Feeling trapped in a job
Uncertain of anything with no end to anything
Transitions between churches and serving
Searching for a new job / career path
Stupid mistakes and decisions and choices
Paying off debt but maybe getting more soon
Still single... still hating it
Breaking the monotony of life to pursue a dream that could flop or fail or blow up in my face
Praying that He lead me because I am unsure of where I am going
Moving on from things and situations that aren't good
A mission trip to Slovakia
Learning when to let myself feel and hurt, and when to push the feelings away and move on
Feeling worn down from coworkers words and attitudes towards me, and praying God gives me strength to love them and turn the other cheek
Change with age,
With time,
With circumstances,
And with growth as a person.
So here it goes.
Opening presents on Christmas day or your birthday
Getting 10 extra minutes on the playground
Class parties with cookies and decorations, valentines from friends, and hugs all around
That boy circling "no" when you send him a note to ask if he likes you
Insults about your handwriting, your clothes, your personality
Sleepovers
Having a best friend to do everything with
Playing piano for the 5th grade talent show
Getting glasses
Saying goodbye to friends and teachers as middle school looms ahead
Growing apart from your elementary best friend "forever"
Struggling with school for the first time
Being made fun of left and right
Youth group events, lock-ins, and trips
Having no friends in school
Eating lunch in the bathroom at school every day for a year
Feeling depressed but not sure why
Getting contacts
Fighting for first chair in the clarinet section and always coming up at second
Having teachers who care and encourage and pour into you, making you feel hopeful
The fear that high school could be worse than middle school
A group of friends through thick and thin
Teachers that meant the world to me
Getting my license
Going on trips and competitions with chorus
Singing the National Anthem at graduation all 4 years
Not having a date for prom and literally being the 9th wheel in the group
Having someone sweet enough to anonymously pay for my way to prom
Wishing I had a boyfriend
More amazing youth trips and events
First jobs that sucked
Saying goodbye to my best friends
Not getting into the college I wanted to
Living on my own with a roommate for two years in a cute house that I adored
Occurring debt but not really caring
Hating classes and homework, drowning in the amount of work
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Falling in love with guys who didn't love me back
Graduating
Discovering at the end of college that I didn't want to teach and standing with a blank canvas of life ahead of me
Going to Kenya twice and returning home with a new perspective on life
Turning 21
Single and hating it
Going to weddings and baby showers for friends, bittersweet
Watching guys I used to like go on to date and marry other people
Moving back home
Finding a bible study group and friends towards the end of college that changed my life
Paying off debt
Job searching
Feeling trapped in a job
Uncertain of anything with no end to anything
Transitions between churches and serving
Searching for a new job / career path
Stupid mistakes and decisions and choices
Paying off debt but maybe getting more soon
Still single... still hating it
Breaking the monotony of life to pursue a dream that could flop or fail or blow up in my face
Praying that He lead me because I am unsure of where I am going
Moving on from things and situations that aren't good
A mission trip to Slovakia
Learning when to let myself feel and hurt, and when to push the feelings away and move on
Feeling worn down from coworkers words and attitudes towards me, and praying God gives me strength to love them and turn the other cheek
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Who do you think you are?
Day number 500 of my job search. I don't know what key words to use. I can hardly find jobs that don't require a specific degree - that I don't have. I feel like actually getting a job with photography is a joke when I can't even find a decent office job or something that pays more than $9 an hour. There come moments when I think, "GOD! You are the God of the impossible, You can do all things and I need your help! Why are you not helping me?!" The thought of ever making enough money to live on my own is unfathomable. The thought of driving a car that is newer than 15 years old is absurd.
Amongst my prayers for myself, I have friends who also need God to come through in a big way. And days go by.
I feel like when I pray about things that matter to me or job search, this deep sadness comes over me. This hopeless feeling that I don't want to deal with, so I just stop job searching and let more time pass. And the same goes for prayers that I don't see an answer to, or is a flat out no. Sometimes I feel like if I just don't pray about it, and try not to think about it, then I can get by without hurting so much.
Is that what life is about? Just getting by? When you catch up with a friend after months and your reply to, "What's new?" is "Oh, you know, just working," you think to yourself, "Oh God, what am I doing with my life?"
And sometimes God taps me on the shoulder and says, "You have a roof over your head, parents who love you, running water in your house, heat and air, a car that runs, and a job that allows you to reach the unreached people. You are not living in a mud hut in Africa with family members dying from the common cold. You are not living in a land where you are persecuted and put in jail and beaten for worshiping me. You are not living in jail with a life sentence. And you're complaining why?" As Job complained and called out to God, His response was not reasons why Job was going through his trials, but chapters of God saying, "Who do you think you are? I am GOD, who created everything, and love you with more love than you can imagine! I gave you life! I give and I take away! Your circumstances do not change my love for you, and I know what I am doing!" Ultimately, Job went through what he did so that the rest of all mankind for as long as earth is around, could read about His life, and God's response. Wow! That alone would be a good enough reason, but Job was never given a reason. I may never be given reasons for things in life. But God is still faithful.
Tonight I tried to search some more for jobs, and ended up crying again. But not just because of that, but because there are things even bigger than that that I wish God would work on in my life and in the lives of people I love. I leaned back against the wall and thought about taking another nap, despite it being 10:30 PM, but as I listened to some Christmas music with facebook staring at me from the computer screen, I thought: What if I prayed and listened to God more than I spent time on facebook? In lines when I'm waiting, on breaks at work, when I'm bored or awkwardly waiting for something out in public, when I'm at home... Do you think that I would see God more if I spent more time in His presence? Is He saying to me, "Jennifer, I want to answer your prayers, but You're not listening. I can't guide You in a direction or change the desires of your heart to match mine because You are too busy filling it with unimportant things." Is He waiting for me to turn to Him with urgency and pray with my heart for the things I truly want in my life and others so that He can see that I trust Him more than just a half-hearted prayer? Is His answer, "Not yet" because I don't expect His power to come through in situations?
Can you imagine standing in heaven and God saying, "Alright, your total time of watching TV is ____ years. Your total time of being on the internet is _____ years. Your total time of playing games is _____years. My child, do you know what more could have been done for My Kingdom if those years of time had been spent seeking me and then responding to me, going out and using what I gave you to glorify me and tell the world about me? Instead you chose these idols, these distractions from satan, to waste your time on. Why would I have entrusted you with more if you I couldn't trust you with little?"
I started off this post to vent and wrestle with what is going on in my heart. And as I wrote, God reminded me of all of the rest of what I wrote. I am thankful He helps me process and think through writing because it is a reminder to come back to on days when I get off track again. It's time that things change. It's time that I run after God with all that I am. I haven't been running away, but merely sitting still and lazy. Like exercise, if you don't do it for a while and then start up again, it will be hard and painful and tiring. But nothing else in all eternity is more important than running towards God despite the pain of hearing God say no sometimes, or asking Him why He has not come through on something.
Amongst my prayers for myself, I have friends who also need God to come through in a big way. And days go by.
I feel like when I pray about things that matter to me or job search, this deep sadness comes over me. This hopeless feeling that I don't want to deal with, so I just stop job searching and let more time pass. And the same goes for prayers that I don't see an answer to, or is a flat out no. Sometimes I feel like if I just don't pray about it, and try not to think about it, then I can get by without hurting so much.
Is that what life is about? Just getting by? When you catch up with a friend after months and your reply to, "What's new?" is "Oh, you know, just working," you think to yourself, "Oh God, what am I doing with my life?"
And sometimes God taps me on the shoulder and says, "You have a roof over your head, parents who love you, running water in your house, heat and air, a car that runs, and a job that allows you to reach the unreached people. You are not living in a mud hut in Africa with family members dying from the common cold. You are not living in a land where you are persecuted and put in jail and beaten for worshiping me. You are not living in jail with a life sentence. And you're complaining why?" As Job complained and called out to God, His response was not reasons why Job was going through his trials, but chapters of God saying, "Who do you think you are? I am GOD, who created everything, and love you with more love than you can imagine! I gave you life! I give and I take away! Your circumstances do not change my love for you, and I know what I am doing!" Ultimately, Job went through what he did so that the rest of all mankind for as long as earth is around, could read about His life, and God's response. Wow! That alone would be a good enough reason, but Job was never given a reason. I may never be given reasons for things in life. But God is still faithful.
Tonight I tried to search some more for jobs, and ended up crying again. But not just because of that, but because there are things even bigger than that that I wish God would work on in my life and in the lives of people I love. I leaned back against the wall and thought about taking another nap, despite it being 10:30 PM, but as I listened to some Christmas music with facebook staring at me from the computer screen, I thought: What if I prayed and listened to God more than I spent time on facebook? In lines when I'm waiting, on breaks at work, when I'm bored or awkwardly waiting for something out in public, when I'm at home... Do you think that I would see God more if I spent more time in His presence? Is He saying to me, "Jennifer, I want to answer your prayers, but You're not listening. I can't guide You in a direction or change the desires of your heart to match mine because You are too busy filling it with unimportant things." Is He waiting for me to turn to Him with urgency and pray with my heart for the things I truly want in my life and others so that He can see that I trust Him more than just a half-hearted prayer? Is His answer, "Not yet" because I don't expect His power to come through in situations?
Can you imagine standing in heaven and God saying, "Alright, your total time of watching TV is ____ years. Your total time of being on the internet is _____ years. Your total time of playing games is _____years. My child, do you know what more could have been done for My Kingdom if those years of time had been spent seeking me and then responding to me, going out and using what I gave you to glorify me and tell the world about me? Instead you chose these idols, these distractions from satan, to waste your time on. Why would I have entrusted you with more if you I couldn't trust you with little?"
I started off this post to vent and wrestle with what is going on in my heart. And as I wrote, God reminded me of all of the rest of what I wrote. I am thankful He helps me process and think through writing because it is a reminder to come back to on days when I get off track again. It's time that things change. It's time that I run after God with all that I am. I haven't been running away, but merely sitting still and lazy. Like exercise, if you don't do it for a while and then start up again, it will be hard and painful and tiring. But nothing else in all eternity is more important than running towards God despite the pain of hearing God say no sometimes, or asking Him why He has not come through on something.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)