Tonight at work, right towards the beginning of my shift, a frustrating customer who comes in all the time walked in and I had to deal with him. Of course he was being ridiculous, as usual, and got all mad at me and in turn I was so frustrated and couldn't let it go. It took quite a while for me to chill down, and the whole time I'm thinking of what I will say to him next time he comes in. Which will probably be tomorrow night. It's like a repeat of ridiculousness. Well BRING IT. We're about to have a smack down because I'm sick of having to deal with his attitude every day, and acting as if I am being ridiculous for not giving him FREE coffee every day. He drinks just a little bit and then comes in the next day and asks us to "top it off" with just a little bit of coffee that isn't enough for him to charge him with, and then today he drank most of it and asked for another top off without even walking away. I started to charge him $1.75 for a tall, and he said, "Well if you're going to be weird about it, then I don't want coffee." Psh. Yes. I am being "weird" because I'm following not only rules but the NORM of paying for things that you want in a store. Oh what? That's a normal thing? Yeah. I thought so.
Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.
That's not all that is in my life, and I've taken a third day off last week and this week, and then next week I have FIVE days off in a row because of shooting/editing videos for our youth weekend, Revive, and then the whole weekend lockin. But dang, it feels like it's all consuming sometimes.
It's only 37 hours. It's just enough to tread water in money though. And just enough to make me crazy sometimes.
Thursday was a good day. (That was yesterday, although it's technically "Saturday" as I type this at 3:30 AM.) I slept in till noon. I went to Northstar to help edit some video and it was a little frustrating. I got to talk to Lacey, a girl in my bible study, for an hour! Even in listening to her, she said some things that really struck me, without meaning to. She said some things that made a big shift in some of my thoughts. I think God brought us that hour for Him to speak through her. Chris came and showed me how to edit the video, Bryan brought dessert from Chili and 4 of us sat in the hall and ate it, and bible study at night was good. I had some good conversations with people but also love that we are singing a song each week now. Starting next week I'll also get to hold a new born baby every single Thursday night and I'm stoked about that! I'll be getting there early so I can hold her before everyone else comes to pass her around! :-) Since I can't have my own baby right now, I'm glad someone else is having one I can be around. Hehe.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Placing it in God's hands
When I think about letting go of something (people, dreams, problems, etc), I think of a completely getting rid of all emotions attached to it, all hopes, all thoughts, everything. Like you're just spitting out a piece of gum into the trashcan. Most of the time that seems impossible to me when it's something important to me, or a struggle. And I think, "Well how do you stop feeling a certain way?" It's as if you're incapable of stopping feelings or thoughts, you can only stop actions upon them or continual thoughts upon them.
And although over time you may be able to get rid of all thoughts about something, because obviously we all move on from people, places, things, problems, etc., and there is no quick fix, it still seems like an impossible feat sometimes.
But today I had the thought that letting go is different than placing something in God's hands. The entire mental image is different to me - dropping something and walking away, acting like you don't care anymore, verses placing something you care into the hands that created the world and can do whatever he wants to with what you handed Him. It may be that you're placing a dream in his hand that you hope comes to fulfillment, but he hands you back a different one that brings him more glory. It may be placing a situation into His hands where you have no control over and don't know what to do or pray for, and He takes over and works and His will is done. Yes, it is still letting go, but a totally different perspecitve on it.
Have you ever handed someone your nice camera and asked them to take a picture of you and someone else (or with a cool scene behind you) and there's a thought, "Oh what if they drop it?" And oh, I handed it to a girl one time and she dropped my camera. It smashed in part of it and almost broke it. Or watching a parent leave their baby or first child with a me as a baby-sitter - they are handing over the care of their most precious item to someone else. The look on their face, the hesitation at the door, going over simple things that I already know, and the continual saying goodbye to their child. It's not always a fear that something might happen when they're gone, it's just the thought of being away from something so important to them, missing something so important to them, and trusting that that important thing is in good hands.
When you hand something over to God, it's in good hands. If something is broken, he can fix it. If it's giving up something important to you, He'll either give it back when it's time or He will give you something equally as important in place of that that is in His will. It is a heavy thought to think, "Well I just gotta let it go and not deal with it anymore, and if I think about it or feel sad about it then that means I didn't let go." It's more freeing to think, "I have confidence giving this to Him and although it will be hard, it's ok because He will do what's best" and that brings peace. That peace that surpasses understanding because it comes directly from God. It may not mean an immediate thing where you stop thinking about it, stop struggling with something, stop feeling something, stop hoping for something, but it's a process of letting God remind you that He is almighty, powerful, soverign, holy, perfect, and merciful. It's God saying, "Hey, it's ok to place it in my care. And it's ok if it's a process. LIFE is a process." It takes months for babies to learn how to walk, years to learn to talk, and 13 years to be finished with the regular amount of education needed as a child. It takes time to learn a new skill, be good at a new job, or be disciplined at something.
"You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:9
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."
-Romans 15:13
And although over time you may be able to get rid of all thoughts about something, because obviously we all move on from people, places, things, problems, etc., and there is no quick fix, it still seems like an impossible feat sometimes.
But today I had the thought that letting go is different than placing something in God's hands. The entire mental image is different to me - dropping something and walking away, acting like you don't care anymore, verses placing something you care into the hands that created the world and can do whatever he wants to with what you handed Him. It may be that you're placing a dream in his hand that you hope comes to fulfillment, but he hands you back a different one that brings him more glory. It may be placing a situation into His hands where you have no control over and don't know what to do or pray for, and He takes over and works and His will is done. Yes, it is still letting go, but a totally different perspecitve on it.
Have you ever handed someone your nice camera and asked them to take a picture of you and someone else (or with a cool scene behind you) and there's a thought, "Oh what if they drop it?" And oh, I handed it to a girl one time and she dropped my camera. It smashed in part of it and almost broke it. Or watching a parent leave their baby or first child with a me as a baby-sitter - they are handing over the care of their most precious item to someone else. The look on their face, the hesitation at the door, going over simple things that I already know, and the continual saying goodbye to their child. It's not always a fear that something might happen when they're gone, it's just the thought of being away from something so important to them, missing something so important to them, and trusting that that important thing is in good hands.
When you hand something over to God, it's in good hands. If something is broken, he can fix it. If it's giving up something important to you, He'll either give it back when it's time or He will give you something equally as important in place of that that is in His will. It is a heavy thought to think, "Well I just gotta let it go and not deal with it anymore, and if I think about it or feel sad about it then that means I didn't let go." It's more freeing to think, "I have confidence giving this to Him and although it will be hard, it's ok because He will do what's best" and that brings peace. That peace that surpasses understanding because it comes directly from God. It may not mean an immediate thing where you stop thinking about it, stop struggling with something, stop feeling something, stop hoping for something, but it's a process of letting God remind you that He is almighty, powerful, soverign, holy, perfect, and merciful. It's God saying, "Hey, it's ok to place it in my care. And it's ok if it's a process. LIFE is a process." It takes months for babies to learn how to walk, years to learn to talk, and 13 years to be finished with the regular amount of education needed as a child. It takes time to learn a new skill, be good at a new job, or be disciplined at something.
"You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:9
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."
-Romans 15:13
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Heaven
When we're in heaven it'll be nice to hang out with every person you've ever known for like a thousand years each. Ha! We'll hang out for thousands of years, no fears, no tears.
When I was little I loved Barbies. I had so many! I had all the accessories too, and loved my friend's babrie house her dad built her. I kept those barbies until I was in 5th grade when my mom told me to give them away to the neighbor girl across the street, because I was too old for them. I gave her most of them, but kept my favorites and hid them in a box under my bed. I couldn't give them away. They were mine and I still loved them, even though I was coming up on 11 years old. Flash forward. When I was 20 I moved out of the house into a new house with a roomate. As I packed up my room, of course that box was still under my bed. I opened it for the first time in I don't know how long. I smiled at them still being there. I packed them up and took them with me. Stuck them back under my bed at my new house, not sure why I felt the need to keep them. Flash forward. Here I am, at 24 and back at home with my parents with that box of babries still under my bed. Woah, what? Yeah. And I don't really know why. It's nastolgic.I have given away most of my other childhood things, excpet kid books, a few games, and things like my childhood diaries and pictures and little things that remind me of being a kid.
If someone were to say, "Here's a $100, you can only spend them on Barbies and their stuff." Well who knows, they probably have cooler ones now! But I wouldn't care, wouldn't be excited about it, wouldn't even want to buy them. If I did, I'd just give them away to a homeless shelter or someone who didn't have many toys because of money. That desire and want is gone. So, in that same way, when we're in heaven all of our earthly desires will be gone. That is beyond my measure of thinking. I'm not talking about not eating food or drinking water, I'm talking about the stuff in your heart that you desire more than anything else in life. Doing without that for eternity? So weird. But I know that as a kid, you can't imagine a day when you would turn down $100 worth of barbies.
And that is all for my random post of the night.
When I was little I loved Barbies. I had so many! I had all the accessories too, and loved my friend's babrie house her dad built her. I kept those barbies until I was in 5th grade when my mom told me to give them away to the neighbor girl across the street, because I was too old for them. I gave her most of them, but kept my favorites and hid them in a box under my bed. I couldn't give them away. They were mine and I still loved them, even though I was coming up on 11 years old. Flash forward. When I was 20 I moved out of the house into a new house with a roomate. As I packed up my room, of course that box was still under my bed. I opened it for the first time in I don't know how long. I smiled at them still being there. I packed them up and took them with me. Stuck them back under my bed at my new house, not sure why I felt the need to keep them. Flash forward. Here I am, at 24 and back at home with my parents with that box of babries still under my bed. Woah, what? Yeah. And I don't really know why. It's nastolgic.I have given away most of my other childhood things, excpet kid books, a few games, and things like my childhood diaries and pictures and little things that remind me of being a kid.
If someone were to say, "Here's a $100, you can only spend them on Barbies and their stuff." Well who knows, they probably have cooler ones now! But I wouldn't care, wouldn't be excited about it, wouldn't even want to buy them. If I did, I'd just give them away to a homeless shelter or someone who didn't have many toys because of money. That desire and want is gone. So, in that same way, when we're in heaven all of our earthly desires will be gone. That is beyond my measure of thinking. I'm not talking about not eating food or drinking water, I'm talking about the stuff in your heart that you desire more than anything else in life. Doing without that for eternity? So weird. But I know that as a kid, you can't imagine a day when you would turn down $100 worth of barbies.
And that is all for my random post of the night.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
GIANTS
GIANTS.
THEY ARE HUGE. And did you know they chase you? Did you know they don't just stand there and mock you behind a shield, waiting for you to throw stones at it? I know. It's crazy. And it's like as big as they are and as aware of them as you are, it still manages to hide and then suddenly pop up again out of no where. You're just walking along, minding your own business and BAM it shows back up in your path. Sometimes the giants knock you down. Knocks the breath out of you, and you think, "What the heck just happened?" And other times you fight back and win. But if you just run the other way, it just chases after you. It's a constant battle, but the battles are scattered and unplanned. The attacks aren't on some kind of schedule or calendar. They're random. They're stupid.
THEY ARE HUGE. And did you know they chase you? Did you know they don't just stand there and mock you behind a shield, waiting for you to throw stones at it? I know. It's crazy. And it's like as big as they are and as aware of them as you are, it still manages to hide and then suddenly pop up again out of no where. You're just walking along, minding your own business and BAM it shows back up in your path. Sometimes the giants knock you down. Knocks the breath out of you, and you think, "What the heck just happened?" And other times you fight back and win. But if you just run the other way, it just chases after you. It's a constant battle, but the battles are scattered and unplanned. The attacks aren't on some kind of schedule or calendar. They're random. They're stupid.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Cleaning. Kenya. Thoughts.
I wish dust didn't exist. I forget that it exists sometimes, until a few months later I look over on my bookshelves and my desk and see too much dust. And then I think of places I can't even SEE that have dust on it, like on top of canvas' on the wall, on top of my taller bookshelf, and more. Sigh.
Upon cleaning my room right now, I have discovered TEN books I haven't read yet! I bought them and stuck them on the shelf or accidently left them in the bags on the floor. I try not to buy more new books before I've read the ones I have, but oops, I do. I also buy them on my kindle. But, now I have new books to read! That aren't new, but are new.
I hate cleaning my room, and think, "I have too much stuff." I jokingly think of the hashtag #firstworldproblems but it's so true. To anyone in Kenya, they have little to nothing. Their toys consist of trash and nature, like rocks. And here I am, frustrated to clean my crazy messy room and dust. And their dust is from the dirt that blows around outside, brown dust that gets on your hands and in your nose and covers your arms so that when you shower, brown just pours off you. Reality check. I have nothing to complain about.
Sometimes when I come across people at Starbucks who are entitled and get mad at stupid stuff, I want to say, "Look here, you need to go to Africa, and then you'll stop complaining about this stuff." A guy got mad yesterday because I gave him back two $5's instead of a $10 because there wasn't a $10 in my drawer. Another girl was mad because our Christmas CD's aren't on sale even though it's after Christmas, and wouldn't stop ranting about it. Like, shut up.
Upon cleaning my room right now, I have discovered TEN books I haven't read yet! I bought them and stuck them on the shelf or accidently left them in the bags on the floor. I try not to buy more new books before I've read the ones I have, but oops, I do. I also buy them on my kindle. But, now I have new books to read! That aren't new, but are new.
I hate cleaning my room, and think, "I have too much stuff." I jokingly think of the hashtag #firstworldproblems but it's so true. To anyone in Kenya, they have little to nothing. Their toys consist of trash and nature, like rocks. And here I am, frustrated to clean my crazy messy room and dust. And their dust is from the dirt that blows around outside, brown dust that gets on your hands and in your nose and covers your arms so that when you shower, brown just pours off you. Reality check. I have nothing to complain about.
Sometimes when I come across people at Starbucks who are entitled and get mad at stupid stuff, I want to say, "Look here, you need to go to Africa, and then you'll stop complaining about this stuff." A guy got mad yesterday because I gave him back two $5's instead of a $10 because there wasn't a $10 in my drawer. Another girl was mad because our Christmas CD's aren't on sale even though it's after Christmas, and wouldn't stop ranting about it. Like, shut up.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
This book that I'm writing
Update: I am on page 107 in writing my book, which is 79,291 words. I started my book in the year 2003 of my journals, and I'm at September of 2007. Since the Word Document pages are obviously a full size sheet of paper, I'm thinking that each page will be more like two in a book format, so I guess it's like 214 pages in a book format. It's a crazy thing to be reading back through conversations, fears, hopes, excitements, jobs, and where I was in my struggles with God. It's interesting seeing where my growth has been over the years, as well as the people who helped shaped me over time. There were people I was so close to at certain times of my life like in high school, college, at Mars Hill Church, at Northwest Christian Church, and at my different jobs, and a lot of them I don't really keep in touch with. It's a sad thing to read back through the great times I had with certain people who I now haven't talked to in years or hardly ever see. It reminds me to really appreciate the people who are in my life now, because in a few years they may not be in my life anymore. I'm not saying that to make myself sad or paranoid or negative, I'm just saying that's reality. It's rare to have someone in your life for a long amount of time. I do have some of those people who I get together with two or three times a year that I've known for a long time, but it's rare.
One thing I LOVE about reading through my old journals is what I wrote about first impressions and descriptions of people. Not just in what they look like, but in what I think of them or what I know of them up front. Like, "She seems ok, but I don't think we'll be close" and then we end up super close. Or watching how people grew on me over time, where it wasn't an immediate, "Oh, we will be super good friends," but finally coming to a point where I AM really close with people and thinking, "Wait, when did this happen?"
Someone asked me about a month ago, "Why are you writing this book? Why do you want to self-publish it? For money?" I laughed and said, "No, probably not for money. I doubt I'll even make $100 on it, even if all the people I write about in my book buy it." I am writing this for many reasons. I think it's cool to read about someone's life and what they think and what they go through. If any of my friends wrote an autobiography straight from their journals, and especially if I was in it, I'd love to read it! I also know that there are so many memories that I have because I wrote them down, that other people have forgotten because they didn't. I want them to have those memories too. I want them to remember more specifics. I also think it's interesting for people to see what I've gone through and done through being a pastor's daughter, going through wanting to be an elementary teacher and then suddenly not anymore, going through so many jobs, going to Kenya twice, going to Slovakia once, and more. If anyone reads it that isn't a christian or isn't a strong christian, they will also be able to see what God has done in my life, how He has answered prayer, my thoughts and process of growing in a relationship with God, and more.
Things I am not putting in my book include stupid things other people have done that I know they wouldn't want the world to know about, other people's failures or mess ups, etc. I'm totally aware that even in changing every person's name in my book, people will know who they are in my story. Other people will know who other people are in my story. So I'm not going to write out things that people will be ticked off about that I wrote about. I'm also not writing about any of the guys I've been interested in along the way. I write about them, but not that I have any feelings for them. Sure, guess all you want, but you could be totally wrong. I will recap some awkward first dates of guys I never saw again, or in general what I'm looking for as I go along in life and how that changes, but I'm not putting in specifics about anybody.
I keep getting in spurts where I don't write my book for several weeks, and then I do write for several weeks. It's taking a long time to do this. But it's still fun, and I can't wait til the day when people can read it. And I hope that people will want to ask me questions about things or say that something changed their perspective on something, or have feedback for me. That will be cool.
One thing I LOVE about reading through my old journals is what I wrote about first impressions and descriptions of people. Not just in what they look like, but in what I think of them or what I know of them up front. Like, "She seems ok, but I don't think we'll be close" and then we end up super close. Or watching how people grew on me over time, where it wasn't an immediate, "Oh, we will be super good friends," but finally coming to a point where I AM really close with people and thinking, "Wait, when did this happen?"
Someone asked me about a month ago, "Why are you writing this book? Why do you want to self-publish it? For money?" I laughed and said, "No, probably not for money. I doubt I'll even make $100 on it, even if all the people I write about in my book buy it." I am writing this for many reasons. I think it's cool to read about someone's life and what they think and what they go through. If any of my friends wrote an autobiography straight from their journals, and especially if I was in it, I'd love to read it! I also know that there are so many memories that I have because I wrote them down, that other people have forgotten because they didn't. I want them to have those memories too. I want them to remember more specifics. I also think it's interesting for people to see what I've gone through and done through being a pastor's daughter, going through wanting to be an elementary teacher and then suddenly not anymore, going through so many jobs, going to Kenya twice, going to Slovakia once, and more. If anyone reads it that isn't a christian or isn't a strong christian, they will also be able to see what God has done in my life, how He has answered prayer, my thoughts and process of growing in a relationship with God, and more.
Things I am not putting in my book include stupid things other people have done that I know they wouldn't want the world to know about, other people's failures or mess ups, etc. I'm totally aware that even in changing every person's name in my book, people will know who they are in my story. Other people will know who other people are in my story. So I'm not going to write out things that people will be ticked off about that I wrote about. I'm also not writing about any of the guys I've been interested in along the way. I write about them, but not that I have any feelings for them. Sure, guess all you want, but you could be totally wrong. I will recap some awkward first dates of guys I never saw again, or in general what I'm looking for as I go along in life and how that changes, but I'm not putting in specifics about anybody.
I keep getting in spurts where I don't write my book for several weeks, and then I do write for several weeks. It's taking a long time to do this. But it's still fun, and I can't wait til the day when people can read it. And I hope that people will want to ask me questions about things or say that something changed their perspective on something, or have feedback for me. That will be cool.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This
It goes something like this:
No thanks.
I don't really care.
Let's be friends.
You're cool.
Well, nice knowing you, see you later.
Hey, it's been a while.
Let's be best friends.
Our time together, every time, is awesome.
Oh no.
Pray hard for months.
Yes? No? What do you think?
No. Hmm.
Walking on eggshells.
So close and so far.
Oh heck no. This has to stop.
Good ridance but lots of tears.
Whew, we're normal again.
Why are you being so nice to me again?
You want to be friends again?
Sigh.
Too close.
Step back.
Too close again.
Step back again.
Let's just run around in circles, shall we?
Walking on eggshells.
Stupid.
Too far apart.
Silence and tears.
Hello again.
Stupid.
Ouch.
Now what?
God, help me.
No thanks.
I don't really care.
Let's be friends.
You're cool.
Well, nice knowing you, see you later.
Hey, it's been a while.
Let's be best friends.
Our time together, every time, is awesome.
Oh no.
Pray hard for months.
Yes? No? What do you think?
No. Hmm.
Walking on eggshells.
So close and so far.
Oh heck no. This has to stop.
Good ridance but lots of tears.
Whew, we're normal again.
Why are you being so nice to me again?
You want to be friends again?
Sigh.
Too close.
Step back.
Too close again.
Step back again.
Let's just run around in circles, shall we?
Walking on eggshells.
Stupid.
Too far apart.
Silence and tears.
Hello again.
Stupid.
Ouch.
Now what?
God, help me.
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