Easy? I don't think so.

I prayed about something important the other night, for the millionth time in the past year and a half, and said, "God! I don't understand! What I'm praying for is not selfish! It is something that will bring you glory, and something that could bring people to you, and something that will strengthen my relationship with you... it's a big, good thing! What's the holdup??"

"You think something like this will come that easy? There's a battle going on against you in this. A spiritual battle, trying to keep you from praying, trying to keep this from happening."

If God could have spoken audibly, I'm pretty sure that's what He would have said, and the weight of that thought just sunk into my heart. Of course. When it comes to something big for the Kingdom of God, of course there will be spiritual warfare. Of course it will be a fight not to slack on spiritual disciplines and let distraction just numb my brain as days fly by. I hadn't thought of it that way before. Some days, when I'm sad or mad or hurt or frustrated, I'd rather just read a book or watch TV, letting my brain not think about what it is that's important to me, than to pray and read the bible, because I feel the emotions so deeply. Sometimes I just don't want to feel.

There's a quote I've seen that says, "If satan can't make you bad, he'll make you busy." Well I'm adding to that, "And if he can't make you either of those, he'll just distract you."

And the thing is, there's nothing I can do to make this thing happen in my life (yes, I know this is vague... but oh well). The only thing I can do is pray and seek the Lord, and I constantly ask that He will guide my words, my actions, and my thoughts. I tend to daydream sometimes, where I make up scenarios in my head that I wish would happen, but they leave me sad sometimes because it might never happen, and I one day remembered that part of the "think about such things" verse includes, "Whatever is true." Well my daydreams that I wish would happen AREN'T TRUE. They're made up. And so I try to stop that. It makes for false hope and unrealistic expectations.

Sometimes I just want to say, "Never mind God. Just forget about it. I don't want to pray for this anymore, so just please take the desire away. I don't care anymore. I just want to let life float on instead of fight this spiritual battle. Because I don't think I'll win. I don't think I'm very good at fighting it, so I don't want to try anymore." And even when that crosses my mind, it doesn't cross my heart. It's like the Holy Spirit inside of me kicks me and says, "Nope! You stop that right now. This is in your heart for a reason even when you don't understand it. The great I AM resides in you, and you think you can just give up? I don't think so."

I pray for wisdom, for guidance, for peace, for patience, for endurance, for self-control, for the right words to come out of my mouth, for the right words to be typed, and for the ability to let go of things when God says no.