This is not it.

After being at Starbucks a year, I still can't remember what date things expire, so when I put a sticker on things I usually have to ask. Every single thing has a date sticker on it. It's complicated. But other people can remember, why can't I? I still can't remember drinks when people tell me through the headest unless I'm standing at the computer pushing the buttons. If I'm forced to answer when I'm doing something else, like making a drink, because other people are speaking to customers or in the bathroom or something, I totally forget what the person said unless it's super easy. I can't taste the difference between coffees, so when a customer asks, I can't help them I have to have another coworker explain it to them. Those are just a few things amongst many. Most days I am ok, but some days when people point it out, "Why don't you know this by now?" or "Ugh, you don't know what they JUST said??" then I get frustrated with myself. Sometimes even when they joke about something like, "Jennifer, you should remember her drink she comes through every day, come on now," it still hurts my feelings because I know it's true. It's a truth thrown into a joke.

I strive for not only being good at everything I do, but going above and beyond and exceeding at everything I do. Even if it takes me a while to learn things, I work hard to get to a good place with something. And then push on. When I took piano lessons from the ages of 7-14, by the time I was 14 I had learned enough to learn more on my own without lessons, play for high school chorus concerts, play in church, and write my own music. As soon as I could, in early college, I taught elementary age kids piano for a bit, got paid to play for my high school chorus concerts for a year, and played for a wedding, the whole nine yards. Although I have let piano fall to the wayside, it has always something I have wanted to be the best at, and if I came across someone better than me I went out and got their music and learned it. It wasn't necessariliy for attention, but it is just something I've felt as long as I remember.

As far as singing, I sang in the school talent shows, sang the National Anthem for four years for graduations at my highs school (once in a trio), went to competitions in a trio, got into All State chorus two years where I got picked to go to Savannah Georgia and learn and preform which was really hard to get into, I took two chorus classes my senior year so that I could help teach the freshman class, and sang on the adult praise team at my church from 13-19. I got Most Talented for Senior Suppurlative.

I don't say all that to be like, "I'm super cool guys." I say that to contrast my drive to be the best at what I do with feeling like a failure at my job that I try so hard at and don't get better at. And those are only two examples in part of my childhood to high school, not including things in college and since college. This job is something where I feel like I will never be good at and trying is useless. I'm stuck at the same level of being good at it while others pass me by. It's not about me trying harder. It's that I am bad at it. My brain (and my tounge) just do not function in the way that it's supposed to for this job. And that makes me so mad.

So when my coworkers make comments, I don't let it show how much it hurts. I don't let them know and I don't throw pitty parties every day. I don't let them bring me down. I try not to think about it. I try to think about other things than actually being at work and some days I just mentally check out. I honestly feel "trapped" in my work because I just want something else and feel like I am never getting out. I like some of the people I work with, my boss is cool (but still human and messes up and makes me mad sometimes), I like the free coffee every day, and some days it is smooth and painless. It's not the worst job I've ever had by any means. But man, this is just not cutting it for me. This is not it.