Dear Heart,
Hey there. It's Brain speaking. Listen, I know you think you're all that and that you're the boss of me, but you aren't. So back off. If I tell you to stop being sad, then stop it. If I tell you to get over something, get over it. Life would just be a little easier if you calmed the heck down. Some of the emotions you produce are not helpful to the every day life. And what happened to the wall that surrounded you? It was enough so that people could still look over the top of it, but who burned it down? Well it's time to build it back up again. Letting people in just to hang out and then leave is not cool. Next time you need to wait until someone says, "Hey, where's the door? Can I come in?" And if you see someone trying to torch it down, then we'll run the other way. There's also a pipe broken between you and the eyes, they keep leaking, but don't worry, I've called in the Healer. The Counselor will be following up with you afterwards. He told me that you have been a little unruly lately. That you've been listening to the lies of the world, and that false hope is just about doing you in. Saying that you should set your expectations lower sounds sad, but really when they are too high it's even sadder because it doesn't happen - because they were unrealistic.
"The Lord looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do." - Psalms 33:13-15
You are complicated and broken. You are imperfect and frustrating. But keep on loving. Keep on letting yourself feel that pain that makes you want to go back to Africa. Keep the communication open between you and God, and let the joy keep flowing. Share your heart when you need to, because passiveness and indirectness is frustrating, but be aware of who is on the receiving end and what needs to stay inside the walls. Be on guard a little more. Read up on those spiritual weapons. And above all else, run after the Lord. He knows you. And when the pipes are broken and tears flow, and when band-aids don't cover the wounds, just keep worshiping the Lord with all your heart, and I will worship Him with all my mind. He is good despite all the mess of the world.
Thoughtfully yours,
Brain
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Thoughts from my trip
Instead of going through everything I did on my trip to Washington, I'm just going to write about some thoughts I had during the trip.
I hate stick shift cars. I've never driven one, but have ridden in a few, and it's too jerky. My cousin Carly has a stick shift. It's also messing up where it pops out of 4th gear when you're just driving along - scary!
Although the idea of inviting everybody I love to my future wedding, the whole wedding process and the amount of planning and money put into it is sounding less and less appealing. The older I get, and the more weddings I go to (which, I counted 15 weddings I've ever been to), the smaller of a wedding I want. And pretty much no food - is a "bring your own picnic" reception acceptable? :-) Or perhaps I'll just have family in a tiny room, and like two friends, and that will suffice.
My cousins, Emily and Carly, really like their shoes, clothes, jewelry, and makeup to match and be extravagant. They curl and or/straighten their hair in ways I don't know how, and put product in it that I didn't know existed. I only have like 4 pairs of shoes, I can't wear jewelry because I'm allergic to metal (and although I've had beaded jewelry before, I'm just not a huge fan), I only put minimal amount of make up on and I feel like it comes off fairly quickly, and most days I just brush my hair and walk out the door. I only have one thing I use to get some of the frizz out when it's bad, or I will straighten it every now and then. It takes them a long time to get ready to go somewhere... and it takes me like 15 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love to get dressed up and look good sometimes, but it's not at the top of my list of things to do. I would rather spend my money on books than on shoes.
Sometimes the slow, ordinary times are my favorite times. For example, one morning after breakfast, I got my coffee and sat outside on the back steps, and the weather was beautiful. I just sat there drinking my coffee and thinking. On Saturday night after we got back from the wedding it was about 7:00. My aunt and uncle and I had pizza and ice cream, and watched gymnastics on TV. Another time was when I helped Carly bring in boxes and stuff into her new apartment, and I sat on her messy bed while she put clothes away, and we talked. Then we sat on the sofa in the living room when her now-husband Simeon got home from his Bachelor camping trip to listen to him talk about what they did. These are beautiful to me.
I have no idea what will make me cry sometimes. Until I'm crying. I don't normally cry at weddings. At my friend Katie's wedding, she was crying through the whole ceremony, and I knew all that she had endured up until that day, and I ended up crying through the entire thing too. At Carly's wedding, I didn't cry until Emily stood up to give a "speech," and said, "I've never given a speech before..." and started crying. And crying. And then finally said, "Carly has always been my best friend." And she kept crying. So, I was just crying right along with her. And for me, it's like I either tear up, or streams of tears are going down my face, and then the next step is sobbing like I twisted my ankle or something. So, there's only like 3 stages of crying for me.
Things I tear up about (no tears actually fall, or like one or two do): moving moments in a movie, when someone else crying, some weddings
Things I cry about with streams of tears: once a month for at least once time because I'm PMSing, when I'm really mad, some weddings, coming home from mission trips, sometimes during worship song when I'm emotional, after some bad days at work
Things I sob about: when I get hurt (like when I fall down, sprain my ankle, or fall down/up the stairs), once a month at least once because I'm PMSing, when something crazy happens like my car dying or quitting a job on a bad ending or someone trying to steal my dad's tire when I was home alone, realizing the end of a dream or long term goal that didn't work out
I hate stick shift cars. I've never driven one, but have ridden in a few, and it's too jerky. My cousin Carly has a stick shift. It's also messing up where it pops out of 4th gear when you're just driving along - scary!
Although the idea of inviting everybody I love to my future wedding, the whole wedding process and the amount of planning and money put into it is sounding less and less appealing. The older I get, and the more weddings I go to (which, I counted 15 weddings I've ever been to), the smaller of a wedding I want. And pretty much no food - is a "bring your own picnic" reception acceptable? :-) Or perhaps I'll just have family in a tiny room, and like two friends, and that will suffice.
My cousins, Emily and Carly, really like their shoes, clothes, jewelry, and makeup to match and be extravagant. They curl and or/straighten their hair in ways I don't know how, and put product in it that I didn't know existed. I only have like 4 pairs of shoes, I can't wear jewelry because I'm allergic to metal (and although I've had beaded jewelry before, I'm just not a huge fan), I only put minimal amount of make up on and I feel like it comes off fairly quickly, and most days I just brush my hair and walk out the door. I only have one thing I use to get some of the frizz out when it's bad, or I will straighten it every now and then. It takes them a long time to get ready to go somewhere... and it takes me like 15 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love to get dressed up and look good sometimes, but it's not at the top of my list of things to do. I would rather spend my money on books than on shoes.
Sometimes the slow, ordinary times are my favorite times. For example, one morning after breakfast, I got my coffee and sat outside on the back steps, and the weather was beautiful. I just sat there drinking my coffee and thinking. On Saturday night after we got back from the wedding it was about 7:00. My aunt and uncle and I had pizza and ice cream, and watched gymnastics on TV. Another time was when I helped Carly bring in boxes and stuff into her new apartment, and I sat on her messy bed while she put clothes away, and we talked. Then we sat on the sofa in the living room when her now-husband Simeon got home from his Bachelor camping trip to listen to him talk about what they did. These are beautiful to me.
I have no idea what will make me cry sometimes. Until I'm crying. I don't normally cry at weddings. At my friend Katie's wedding, she was crying through the whole ceremony, and I knew all that she had endured up until that day, and I ended up crying through the entire thing too. At Carly's wedding, I didn't cry until Emily stood up to give a "speech," and said, "I've never given a speech before..." and started crying. And crying. And then finally said, "Carly has always been my best friend." And she kept crying. So, I was just crying right along with her. And for me, it's like I either tear up, or streams of tears are going down my face, and then the next step is sobbing like I twisted my ankle or something. So, there's only like 3 stages of crying for me.
Things I tear up about (no tears actually fall, or like one or two do): moving moments in a movie, when someone else crying, some weddings
Things I cry about with streams of tears: once a month for at least once time because I'm PMSing, when I'm really mad, some weddings, coming home from mission trips, sometimes during worship song when I'm emotional, after some bad days at work
Things I sob about: when I get hurt (like when I fall down, sprain my ankle, or fall down/up the stairs), once a month at least once because I'm PMSing, when something crazy happens like my car dying or quitting a job on a bad ending or someone trying to steal my dad's tire when I was home alone, realizing the end of a dream or long term goal that didn't work out
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be home again
Tomorrow I leave for Tacoma, Washington! This will be my 4th time going there. I'm going for my cousin's wedding. Over time, I have become friends with their friends and extended family, and I look forward to seeing them again! If I lived there, I know those people would be my friends too. Last year my cousin who is 23 (Emily) got married, and now my cousin who is 21 (Carly) is getting married. In the past, when they both lived at home (and up until Emily's wedding night last year), the girls shared a room, and when I came I stayed in the guest bedroom when it was just me, or on the floor in their room when my mom came with me last year. It was so great spending so much time with them, going to visit them at work at a coffee shop, going to the fair, going to church, going to pretty places outside.... Now they will both have their own apartments and shared cars with their husbands and the next time I visit, I will have to figure out who I will be staying with and who I will be hanging out with, and it will be more complicated. I love their new husbands and am so thankful they found them! But part of me is sad that now things are different. I'm also guessing they will have kids soon, and that they next time I visit, they will have babies since I don't go there every year.
When I went there last September, I was anxious to get away from here. I wanted time away from Starbucks, and just everything going on at home. But this time, I'm almost sad to be gone... Not from Starbucks (LOL) but from bible study, leadership meetings, church, and my friends. I'll only be gone 6 days and it will be 11 days of actually not seeing my friends, but I already feel like I miss them. And I know, of course, that when I leave WA I will also miss my aunt, uncle, cousins, and friends there.
I already have a GREAT book I just started that I can't wait to read, and also needing to journal on the plane, so I am excited about the long plane ride.
When I went there last September, I was anxious to get away from here. I wanted time away from Starbucks, and just everything going on at home. But this time, I'm almost sad to be gone... Not from Starbucks (LOL) but from bible study, leadership meetings, church, and my friends. I'll only be gone 6 days and it will be 11 days of actually not seeing my friends, but I already feel like I miss them. And I know, of course, that when I leave WA I will also miss my aunt, uncle, cousins, and friends there.
I already have a GREAT book I just started that I can't wait to read, and also needing to journal on the plane, so I am excited about the long plane ride.
Monday, August 3, 2015
I like to be with me, when I'm with you
If I had a great big mansion
I'd rather live in a shot gun shack with you
If I drove a red farari
I'd rather ride in an oldsmobile with you
If I won a million dollars
I'd give it away to spend more time with you
If I had a million lovers
I would trade em all for just one more night with you
With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me, when I'm with you
If I owned the finest vineyard
I would rather sit and drink cheap wine with you
If I could live on the moon
I would rather stay in Tennessee with you
If I could sail across the ocean
The ocean would just be blue without you
If I could climb up Mount Everest
I would turn around and climb in bed with you
With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me when I'm with you
If I could be like Albert Einstein
I'd rather just be dumb and be with you
If I could sing like Frank Sinatra
I would rather sit and talk to you
With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me, when I'm with you
- I Like to Be With Me When I'm With You, Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors
I'd rather live in a shot gun shack with you
If I drove a red farari
I'd rather ride in an oldsmobile with you
If I won a million dollars
I'd give it away to spend more time with you
If I had a million lovers
I would trade em all for just one more night with you
With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me, when I'm with you
If I owned the finest vineyard
I would rather sit and drink cheap wine with you
If I could live on the moon
I would rather stay in Tennessee with you
If I could sail across the ocean
The ocean would just be blue without you
If I could climb up Mount Everest
I would turn around and climb in bed with you
With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me when I'm with you
If I could be like Albert Einstein
I'd rather just be dumb and be with you
If I could sing like Frank Sinatra
I would rather sit and talk to you
With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me, when I'm with you
- I Like to Be With Me When I'm With You, Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Beautiful days
Tonight I just feel like writing down the days that are good, so that some day when I look back, I'll have a clearer memory of it. Some day I'll joke about "the good ol' days" and so I'm writing them now to say I am currently living in the good ol' days.
Sunday I went to church. We only have a little bit longer in the elementary school before we move into an actual building! I always love the songs. The sermon was good. After, I helped clean up and take things down to be moved onto a trailer since we can't keep things up at the school. I got Starbucks and Subway after church, and then went to Bryan and Lee Ann's house for a leadership meeting with our bible study. Bryan leads our bible study, we have bible study at their house, and for the past 5 years they have been some of my best friends.
A few others brought food to eat there as well. We talked about life, upcoming plans, and laughed at ridiculous jokes. When others got there we all sat in the living room before our meeting started, still talking and catching up. I love leadership meetings because we get things planned, we discuss things, and we spend time with each other. The meetings go long, and I know some people don't really like meetings, but I am someone who really does enjoy them!
One of the girls brought a peanut butter chocolate cheesecake she made for one of the girls' birthday! We ate some after. Then I took my friend Emily home because she needed a ride and we talked the whole way there and still some in her driveway. Even though we talk all the time, and Facebook message each other all the time, we always have a million things to say!
I always enjoy the times when I can talk to people without feeling rushed, without feeling obligated to do something else (like help clean up, take things down, etc), or feeling like I need to talk to 40 people. So the slower times and conversations are my favorite.
Wednesday I was scheduled to work 1-6, and that never happens. I didn't have plans after work, so I went to Panera Bread and ate. Then I decided to go to Bryan and Lee Ann's house. I brought Lee Ann coffee. That night one of the teams who went to Slovakia were having their debrief meeting at 7:30, and I got there at 6:30. Bryan and Lee Ann have 4 kids ages 5 months, 2 years, 4 years, and 7 years.
Before and during the meeting, which lasted until around 10:30, I held the 5 month old while Lee Ann bathed the other kids, and then I rocked the baby to sleep while she was putting the others to bed. The thought always occurs, "Ok, how long should I wait for him to be asleep before I can get up and put him in is crib so that he doesn't immediately wake up?" So I waited for a while. It's a sweet thing though, to sit in the silence, rocking with a sleeping baby in your lap.
After the meeting was over, I went downstairs to hang out with some of the girls, and they said, "We're going to Kroger to get desserts and then coming back here!" So I drove since my car had the least amount of stuff to move to the back. Kroger was a ghost town because they were doing construction and things were being painted. We looked at the million choices of ice cream. It's really overwhelming. I rarely look at this isle because then I just want to buy ice cream every time I look at it. We went back to Bryan and Lee Ann's house and sat in their movie room downstairs eating ice cream and talking. It was good. I stayed until 1 AM and then went home and two of the girls stayed the night there.
Thursday I had dinner at Moe's with my friend Joy who has been out of the country for 2 years (except she was home for about 2 months last year at this time). She'll be home for a year this time. We caught up some, on what was going on here and what things looked like for her at the moment. We talked about what was different now, what had changed while she was gone. Then we went to Bryan and Lee Ann's house for bible study. I talked to different people before we started for a while, but I had a lot going on in my head and a lot of emotions going on for various reasons, so I just sat down and watched the room full of people or just sat to think.
We had a guest speaker at bible study, but I didn't hear most of it because I was helping Lee Ann with the baby and part of the time she was with me, and part of the time she was with the other kids. Again I held him until he fell asleep, but this time he only slept 10 minutes after I put him down before waking up again, so that didn't quite work out so well. Anyways, afterwards I talked to people again, and then left a little earlier than normal.
I'm thankful for the people who want to hear about my life, who ask me questions, who don't laugh at my quirks, and who don't mind hearing about the little things. I'm thankful for the people who are quick to call me back or write me back, the hugs, the encouragement, and the laughter. These things, these people, are what make my life beautiful. When I pray for these people my heart is just so full of love that it's hard to imagine that God loves us even more than that! And everybody, not just certain people!
Sunday I went to church. We only have a little bit longer in the elementary school before we move into an actual building! I always love the songs. The sermon was good. After, I helped clean up and take things down to be moved onto a trailer since we can't keep things up at the school. I got Starbucks and Subway after church, and then went to Bryan and Lee Ann's house for a leadership meeting with our bible study. Bryan leads our bible study, we have bible study at their house, and for the past 5 years they have been some of my best friends.
A few others brought food to eat there as well. We talked about life, upcoming plans, and laughed at ridiculous jokes. When others got there we all sat in the living room before our meeting started, still talking and catching up. I love leadership meetings because we get things planned, we discuss things, and we spend time with each other. The meetings go long, and I know some people don't really like meetings, but I am someone who really does enjoy them!
One of the girls brought a peanut butter chocolate cheesecake she made for one of the girls' birthday! We ate some after. Then I took my friend Emily home because she needed a ride and we talked the whole way there and still some in her driveway. Even though we talk all the time, and Facebook message each other all the time, we always have a million things to say!
I always enjoy the times when I can talk to people without feeling rushed, without feeling obligated to do something else (like help clean up, take things down, etc), or feeling like I need to talk to 40 people. So the slower times and conversations are my favorite.
Wednesday I was scheduled to work 1-6, and that never happens. I didn't have plans after work, so I went to Panera Bread and ate. Then I decided to go to Bryan and Lee Ann's house. I brought Lee Ann coffee. That night one of the teams who went to Slovakia were having their debrief meeting at 7:30, and I got there at 6:30. Bryan and Lee Ann have 4 kids ages 5 months, 2 years, 4 years, and 7 years.
Before and during the meeting, which lasted until around 10:30, I held the 5 month old while Lee Ann bathed the other kids, and then I rocked the baby to sleep while she was putting the others to bed. The thought always occurs, "Ok, how long should I wait for him to be asleep before I can get up and put him in is crib so that he doesn't immediately wake up?" So I waited for a while. It's a sweet thing though, to sit in the silence, rocking with a sleeping baby in your lap.
After the meeting was over, I went downstairs to hang out with some of the girls, and they said, "We're going to Kroger to get desserts and then coming back here!" So I drove since my car had the least amount of stuff to move to the back. Kroger was a ghost town because they were doing construction and things were being painted. We looked at the million choices of ice cream. It's really overwhelming. I rarely look at this isle because then I just want to buy ice cream every time I look at it. We went back to Bryan and Lee Ann's house and sat in their movie room downstairs eating ice cream and talking. It was good. I stayed until 1 AM and then went home and two of the girls stayed the night there.
Thursday I had dinner at Moe's with my friend Joy who has been out of the country for 2 years (except she was home for about 2 months last year at this time). She'll be home for a year this time. We caught up some, on what was going on here and what things looked like for her at the moment. We talked about what was different now, what had changed while she was gone. Then we went to Bryan and Lee Ann's house for bible study. I talked to different people before we started for a while, but I had a lot going on in my head and a lot of emotions going on for various reasons, so I just sat down and watched the room full of people or just sat to think.
We had a guest speaker at bible study, but I didn't hear most of it because I was helping Lee Ann with the baby and part of the time she was with me, and part of the time she was with the other kids. Again I held him until he fell asleep, but this time he only slept 10 minutes after I put him down before waking up again, so that didn't quite work out so well. Anyways, afterwards I talked to people again, and then left a little earlier than normal.
I'm thankful for the people who want to hear about my life, who ask me questions, who don't laugh at my quirks, and who don't mind hearing about the little things. I'm thankful for the people who are quick to call me back or write me back, the hugs, the encouragement, and the laughter. These things, these people, are what make my life beautiful. When I pray for these people my heart is just so full of love that it's hard to imagine that God loves us even more than that! And everybody, not just certain people!
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