The fight against emotions

Lately I have been overly emotional. Not sure if I can blame it on just being a girl or what the deal is, but needless to say, it hasn't been fun.

Things that have made me emotional the last few weeks (have made me cry, made me sad, made me mad, made me feel terrible, etc):

-My favorite shift / coworker / friend leaving my store to go to another store; missing him
-Extremely busy at work and running around like a crazy person; physically and mentally exhausted
-Wanting a new job, not sure what new job that would be, and not feeling motivated to look for a new one
-Wanting to take more pictures but not sure how / what to take pictures of
-I had to work Saturday night when lots of my friends got together for a game night, and the others went to a friend's party. I was invited to both, but didn't have enough notice, so I had to work.
-My beautiful, sweet, awesome younger cousin who lives in Washington got engaged on Saturday night! I'm thrilled for her, and can't wait to go to the wedding. But, as with all my friends (and now family) who get married, I also feel sad that I am not. And wonder if I ever will.
-I have to go to the doctor this Wednesday because of a personal matter and I'm nervous about it. Obviously when something is wrong with you, you assume the worst and think you're about to die. Or that it will be painful, or they'll have to do something drastic like whisk you away into surgery right then.
-This upcoming Friday night I invited like 40 people to dessert and drinks at Chili's, and so far only 3 can come. Like last year. And I wonder why it is that no matter how much notice I give it seems like nobody comes to stuff I try to plan, and then everybody goes to other things that I somehow can't go to. While I know they aren't just crappy friends or trying to get away from me, it just stinks overall.
-I've seen a lot of cute babies recently, from friends or from random customers who come in, and I just want a baby. Doesn't even have to come out of my body, I can adopt, it's cool, I just want one.
-A customer at Starbucks that I don't even know that well told me that her friend / coworker who comes in with her all the time, his 22 year old son just died while on a mission trip! It made me realize how you never know how much longer you will live or those you love will live, and how stupid things in life suddenly seem, how trivial. I ached for them.
-I keep up with my friend's blog who has cancer, and she's had it for something like 2 years. Every time it seems to go away, they just find it has relocated. I hurt for her. I am sad for her. She lives a few hours away and I wish I could just see her more often and hug her.
-With my part time job, office work for my home church keeping up with the kids we sponsor in Kenya, I see so many of the pictures of the children and their families, and read their sweet letters to their sponsors that they send over. I saw a note last week from one of the adults that they made on their form that said, "Had chickens and rabbits (for food and money), but had to sell for hospital bill." Ugh! So sad! And the little girl I sponsor has so many siblings that I don't know how any of my money is even helpful to their big family, and wish I could sponsor more of them.

And suddenly these weighty things make everything in life seem awful. I suddenly get ticked off that I have to mop the floor at work when it doesn't look dirty, brew more coffee every 15 minutes just because they have a stupid rule about it, and a friend doesn't return my texts which makes me feel bad, when in reality they could just be really busy and may have forgotten and will reply to me another day. Why can't I sit next to the boy that I like? Because he doesn't like me back and doesn't want to sit by me. Why can't I go on vacation? Because I don't have enough money. Why can't I make more money? Because I am trapped at a level of always making minimum wage, unable to get a job that I will ever love. All I want to do is sleep and watch tv and scroll through the internet, because nothing else seems to matter.

Breathe.

"How are you?" "Good! How are you?" "Good!" This has to stop. At work I say good but don't ask people back, because it is a way to greet people not really meaning it. It's not even them being "nice," it really is just a social way to greet someone. On a bad day all I can think is how awful it is to reply "good" to 300 people a day when I want to say "terrible." Even with friends at church or bible study, there really isn't time sometimes to describe your life in a few sentences. So "good" has to suffice. And you wonder if the other person isn't really good either.

I started off my work day with a heavy heart, as it has been for the past few weeks. I was mad that a coworker was "dusting shelves" and talking to a customer / friend for way too long while I was running around working. I was mad that I had to fold dollar bills from the tip jar into a bag instead of just shoving it in because they say it's better that way, and then mad that customers kept coming and I had to stop doing that, which made me feel like it was even more a waste of time to fold the money. I was mad that I pulled stickers out of the machine and made two drinks....that weren't needed....and my coworker said I must have messed up and I didn't. I don't know where they came from or why it was wrong. I was sad a friend hadn't texted me back when I just really miss them.

On my first ten minute break, I took my phone out and started a list of what I'm thankful for. First thing that needs to change: my perspective.

Things I'm Thankful For
-Sean K (coworker) - his kindness, caring nature, and calmness
-My friend Nichole now works with me
-I have a job
-I have a good car
-I have insurance and a 401k
-I have amazing friends
-I have amazing parents
-Meeting with my friend Katie every week
-Great church
-My boss is pretty good
-Although I miss my friend Tim, I can still go see him sometimes and work to keep in touch with him
-I get free Starbucks every day
-I have an amazing camera that I never thought I'd have
-The Bartons are freaking amazing
-My friend Matt who comes to Starbucks a lot is great
-There's no one that I work with who I argue with a lot or can't stand to be around

As I started back to work after my ten minutes were up, I knew I needed to start praying. I prayed for myself, and I prayed for my friends and family. I prayed they would find jobs they love, and have enough money.

I'm still fighting the sadness, the anger, and the pain, from the day to day things to the major things. But that is the start - the fight. To not fight is to fall deeper and deeper into sadness. It starts to affect those around you and how you act. It makes all the minor things seem major. And it affects the way you love other people. I know that over the next week or two...or ya know, forever... I need to read the bible more because it is full of God's living power and His constant communication with us. I need to pray more - and LISTEN more to Him in the silence of my bedroom (sitting up!). I need to focus on what He wants me to do with my time instead of wasting it reading 700 buzzfeed articles, 100 youtube videos, 5 million pinterest pins, and 6 hours of facebook. I am blessed, and counting my blessings is helpful.

My life is able to shape and change at the snap of my finger - God could bring a man into my life any day He wants. He could bring me to a photography paying job any time He wants. "It's all about who you know," - yes, and I know the God of all creation who has the ability to lead me to amazing things without the help of humans! The Lord my God is bigger than my emotions and sadness and pain. He is bigger than my unmet desires, my insecurities, my inner battles, my outer battles, my struggles and sins and selfish complaining.