When I was 14, in 9th grade, one of my favorite youth leaders moved. Her name was Garet. She'd helped with middle school youth group all three years I was in it, and I still saw her while I was in 9th grade. I can't even begin to explain how much I thought the world of her. She was 29 when I was 11, and I thought she could walk on water. She noticed me and encouraged me through three of the roughest years of my life. She took the time to love me through my awkward stage which I swear was more awkward than the normal "awkward middle school" stage. And so, when she moved two hours away at the end of my 9th grade year, I fell apart. I cried too much. I talked about it too much. I tried to keep in touch with her too much. It felt like the end of the world. Up until that point, she was the first person to move away that meant so much to me. Nobody else had yet.
To build upon that, a year later my youth pastor went into the air force to be a chaplain and move all over the world in the process. Dave had been there for me from 6th grade through the end of 10th grade, and he and his wife were also hugely important to me. He also was there and patient with me through those awkward stages, but also saw me as I started to mature and grow. It was one thing for Garet and her husband David to move two hours away, still being able to see her once or twice a year for a few years, but another to have Dave move to Illinois and eventually to Japan. I distinctly remember talking to Dave on the phone one night when I was 16, shortly before he moved, because I was just so upset they were leaving. I told him I felt like I didn't want to let anybody into my life or be too close because I didn't want them to leave. He said, "Imagine you go on vacation, and you know it's only going to be a week. Does that mean you won't have any fun the whole time? Does that mean while everybody else is at the beach and shopping and having fun that you sit in the hotel room moping? No. You take that time you have and enjoy it. That's what you do with friendships. Your entire life people will be coming in and out, and sometime you'll be the one to be leaving. But you don't live your life afriad of who is going to leave or be afriad to come too close to people because of that." He has no idea, but those words have stuck with me for the past 9 years. I don't remember what else we talked about in that conversation, but I remember that. I haven't seen him/talked to him in a few years.
At work, one of the girls I liked working with the most quit to go to another job. She was only at Starbucks for 6 months. I like some of the other people I work with a lot too. And I know her leaving was inevitable. But it makes me sad nonetheless. Another guy said recently that he will probably be traveling far away for the summer, and therefore may not be able to come back when August comes since we'll probably have to fill his spot. Again, I was sad. I have two good friends going out of the country for a year in August, and I'm thrilled for this adventure God has called them on, but broken that one of them is one of my closest friends and she'll be out of my life for a year. Another friend and I had a falling out and is gone out of my life. Maybe not indefinitely, but in a huge way for I don't know how long. But these people... I wanted them in my life for much longer than 6 months to 4 and a half years.
Someone asked me two months ago if I could change something about myeslf, what would it be? I knew the answer, but I didn't want to say it, so I said just that. I didn't want to expose that because even though they already knew it, I didn't want to admitt it, to openly discuss it. I would change the fact that I love too much, I care too much, I hold people too close, and I can't let people go. Because it hurts too much. I know, it sounds silly. And if God is love, isn't that what we're called to do? Love a lot? Then God must hurt a lot. To love us SO MUCH and then for us to reject Him, for us to be too busy to talk to Him, for us to sin, for us to turn away from Him. But sometimes I wish God would just let me love a little less so I can hurt a little less. Selfish? Maybe. To hear people say, "Oh I'm bad at keeping in touch with people unless I see them a lot," and they laugh about it and say sorry... no. I wish I was like that sometimes. I wish I could just move on and not look back.
I think it's a comfort for me that my family, both immediate and extended, will be people in my life for my entire life, although I know eventually those deaths will be the worst of them all. I also find hope in the thought that my husband some day will be with me my entire life. That's a nice thought.
Although Facebook and other social media/technology helps aid in keeping in touch with people, it really doesn't. It's such a false sense of closeness. I remember before facebook, while I was in high school, I had friends that I would write e-mails to, and they would be long e-mails. Real stuff. Not 140 characters, not sharing pictures, articles, and youtube videos, but about our lives. We even wrote letters to each other, even when we saw each other in school. Sure, we have the ability to still do that, but it's like, "Oh, I have 550 friends..." and if I start to scroll through that list I suddenly want to e-mail ALL of them. And then want to see them all again. Ok, not ALL, but at least 200 of them or something. Which is ridiculous. And suddenly facebook makes me sad, seeing snapshots of people's lives that were once so close to me, and then realize we are strangers now, connected by a computer of sorts, ony showing and telling small snipts about our lives. I don't post my personal stuff on facebook. No. Not my dreams, hopes, fears, pains, and joys. Because 550 people don't deserve to read that. Or want to.
Well... THANK GOD for heaven, when I get to praise the Lord with all those people I love!!!
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