I grew up at Mars Hill Church. From the time I was 7, it's been all I've known in a church. 3 years ago I changed churches because 1) I wanted to help in a youth group, but my younger brother was/is still in high school and we don't get along, 2) I didn't want to be known as the "preacher's daughter," 3) There was no one else my age or anywhere close to it except high schoolers. But for the 11 years I was there, so much happened. I was in kids choir, kids musicals, christmas padgents, youth praise team, adult praise team, I played piano sometimes, youth group, lock-ins, being in vacation bible school, teaching vacation bible school, baby-sitting for events where the kids needed to be somewhere else, and then I went to Kenya with people from Mars Hill twice- when I was 19 and 21. In middle and high school, I always had my youth group to talk to - we'd stand in a circle and talk and made jokes when the circle got too big that we'd have to split in two so we didn't take up so much space, I always sat on the youth row in high school, etc. But isn't it funny how a place that is so "home" can one day be so foreign?
This morning I went to Mars Hill - I go every now and then. When I walked into the fellowship hall, I either didn't know people or I didn't know them personally. I stood around for a few minutes, but then went down to the lobby in the sanctuary. When I went in there, again I didn't really see anyone to talk to, so after standing alone for a minute, I just went inside where they were practicing for the praise team and sat for 30 minutes. Thankfully Rachel and Brian, a couple my age, came and sat with me when the service started. Afterwords I just left. I went to lunch with my family, my parents friends, and my younger brother's friends, but felt so out of place. And even when I tried to ask others about them/what's going on, nobody asked anything about me. So I resorted to just sitting there silently eventually. The whole morning was just lonely.
Besides this morning, I had a good weekend. I went to my high school friend Kesley's apartment and we talked for 5 and a half hours straight. It was good to catch up. I bought new sheets, a new bed spread, a teacher book, and a new shirt. All that was fun. I went with my roomate Leslie, her mom, and two of her other friends, while she tried on wedding dresses. She found one and it's so pretty. She gets married in July. I only have a month-ish left of classes. Not exact I don't think.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Will you be my friend? Check yes or no. (Please check yes!!)
When I was in elementary school, I had a best friend named Sara Volkodav. She was my BEST BEST friend, the kind you think will last forever. From 2nd grade to 5th grade we were inseperable. Always partners, always sitting together, writing notes and drawing pictures for each other, going to each other's birthday parties, sleepovers, playing video games and laughing so hard we cried, and watching Brady Bunch at 2 AM right before going to sleep. I didn't even care if I had any other friends, she was the only friend I wanted. Middle school changed that though.
Middle school, for most people including myself, was the worst time in my life so far. But it shaped me. It made me part of who I am today. However I never want to go through something like that again. Sara became more popular and we quickly grew apart. We hardly spoke in high school, and now we don't keep in touch. I wish we could, but something happened. I don't even know what it was. We didn't have a fight, it just ended, and she doesn't want to keep in touch. I wish we could though. Anyways, in middle school I had glasses, frizzy hair, I was a dork, and incredibly shy and awkward. And oh yeah - really insecure. People made fun of me (as all middle schoolers get made fun of, sigh), I had NO friends in school, and I was the one that when the teacher said, "Everybody get with a partner" I was the one without one and the one the last person got stuck with.
Fortunantly, my 6th grade year I met Kelly Newton at church. She was a year older than me, and we quickly became friends. She saved me from going absolutly insane. We became best friends, and it was hard when she went on to high school while I was still in middle school because I suddenly felt a little lost in youth group even though the youth pastor did a great job of trying to do middle and high school stuff together. There was also Garet - one of the youth leaders - who had a HUGE impact on my life. She saw me when nobody else paid attention to me, she talked to me and encouraged me, and probably put up with a bunch of my rediculous middle school quirks. :-) Because of her I knew I wanted to help in youth groups some day. And she also taught me to look for people who need a friend.
In 9th grade I was still REALLY shy, hated high school, and managed my way into youth group with a lousy attitude. At the beginning of 10th grade though, I said, "You know what? I'm tired of this. I want to have friends. I want to talk more. So I'll just pretend and fake that I am that kind of person." So I forced myself to talk to people and my goodness it was hard! I would write down things to say to prompt me. It quickly grew on me, and I made the most amazing friends I could have ever prayed for. Amanda, Ashley, Kayla, Kesley, Kaley, Katelyn. For 3 years in high school we were really close. Kesley moved into my neighborhood as well as went to my church and sang with me on the praise team, so I enjoyed sitting with her at the bus stop, and getting off in the afternoons despite the stupid bus rides. I knew that no matter what happened during the day, I would be able to talk to Kesley if I wanted to and that made things ok. We all sat in the chorus room together in the mornings, we all had classes together, and by golly we were smart, talented and pretty! We were in honors classes, I got most talented for senior suppurlative with a close run with Kaley, Kaley and I both made All-state chorus and sang in competitions in a trio, Katelyn won homecoming queen our senior year. Most of us went to prom together, Kesley went to Kenya with me, and I enjoyed those three years of high school so much because of those amazing girls. I had some great teachers as well that really made me enjoy high school despite the hard work.
During high school, it was easy to be comfortable in my group of friends. But because of my awful middle school experience and the few people who paid attention to me, including some of my teachers, I strove to notice those people who had no friends, who were new, who were shy. I tried so hard to go out of my way and include them or at least say hello to them.
And now, college. My life has taken the up and down pattern thus far, and so I am in the down part now. Maybe it's because I went to the 3rd biggest college in Georgia and every semester I have new people in my classes. Maybe it's because life is busier now. I don't really know. But I haven't had many real friends in college. Kelly Newton and I were friends in high school but grew apart, but now she goes to another college about 2 hours away and we keep in touch more than I do with any of my high school friends. We don't get to see each other that often because of our schedules and distance and paying for gas, but I am beyond thankful to know that we can be honest with each other and will be there for each other. I wish though that I had friends here, to hang out with on the weekends, to talk to several times a week. For the past 4 years I haven't had that, and it's really hard. I don't just want somebody to call to hang out with, I want somebody to want to hang out with ME. To call me when they're excited about something or worried about something. And left and right people are getting boyfriends, fiances, husbands, and those people are their WORLD. They come first. Which, I get it, I'll probably be that way, but helloooo please make time for some other people!
It's so weird going from 3 years of having really close friends, and then to having 4-5 years of no friends. I'm hoping that when I become a teacher, I will be friends with the other teachers I work with over a longer period of time if we all stick around. Anyways, I really struggle with not having really close friends, and I'm hoping this drought of good friends will only last one more year. And maybe in another 10 years this will just be another part of my story, another part of what changed me. However, I'm in it now and it's not cool!
Middle school, for most people including myself, was the worst time in my life so far. But it shaped me. It made me part of who I am today. However I never want to go through something like that again. Sara became more popular and we quickly grew apart. We hardly spoke in high school, and now we don't keep in touch. I wish we could, but something happened. I don't even know what it was. We didn't have a fight, it just ended, and she doesn't want to keep in touch. I wish we could though. Anyways, in middle school I had glasses, frizzy hair, I was a dork, and incredibly shy and awkward. And oh yeah - really insecure. People made fun of me (as all middle schoolers get made fun of, sigh), I had NO friends in school, and I was the one that when the teacher said, "Everybody get with a partner" I was the one without one and the one the last person got stuck with.
Fortunantly, my 6th grade year I met Kelly Newton at church. She was a year older than me, and we quickly became friends. She saved me from going absolutly insane. We became best friends, and it was hard when she went on to high school while I was still in middle school because I suddenly felt a little lost in youth group even though the youth pastor did a great job of trying to do middle and high school stuff together. There was also Garet - one of the youth leaders - who had a HUGE impact on my life. She saw me when nobody else paid attention to me, she talked to me and encouraged me, and probably put up with a bunch of my rediculous middle school quirks. :-) Because of her I knew I wanted to help in youth groups some day. And she also taught me to look for people who need a friend.
In 9th grade I was still REALLY shy, hated high school, and managed my way into youth group with a lousy attitude. At the beginning of 10th grade though, I said, "You know what? I'm tired of this. I want to have friends. I want to talk more. So I'll just pretend and fake that I am that kind of person." So I forced myself to talk to people and my goodness it was hard! I would write down things to say to prompt me. It quickly grew on me, and I made the most amazing friends I could have ever prayed for. Amanda, Ashley, Kayla, Kesley, Kaley, Katelyn. For 3 years in high school we were really close. Kesley moved into my neighborhood as well as went to my church and sang with me on the praise team, so I enjoyed sitting with her at the bus stop, and getting off in the afternoons despite the stupid bus rides. I knew that no matter what happened during the day, I would be able to talk to Kesley if I wanted to and that made things ok. We all sat in the chorus room together in the mornings, we all had classes together, and by golly we were smart, talented and pretty! We were in honors classes, I got most talented for senior suppurlative with a close run with Kaley, Kaley and I both made All-state chorus and sang in competitions in a trio, Katelyn won homecoming queen our senior year. Most of us went to prom together, Kesley went to Kenya with me, and I enjoyed those three years of high school so much because of those amazing girls. I had some great teachers as well that really made me enjoy high school despite the hard work.
During high school, it was easy to be comfortable in my group of friends. But because of my awful middle school experience and the few people who paid attention to me, including some of my teachers, I strove to notice those people who had no friends, who were new, who were shy. I tried so hard to go out of my way and include them or at least say hello to them.
And now, college. My life has taken the up and down pattern thus far, and so I am in the down part now. Maybe it's because I went to the 3rd biggest college in Georgia and every semester I have new people in my classes. Maybe it's because life is busier now. I don't really know. But I haven't had many real friends in college. Kelly Newton and I were friends in high school but grew apart, but now she goes to another college about 2 hours away and we keep in touch more than I do with any of my high school friends. We don't get to see each other that often because of our schedules and distance and paying for gas, but I am beyond thankful to know that we can be honest with each other and will be there for each other. I wish though that I had friends here, to hang out with on the weekends, to talk to several times a week. For the past 4 years I haven't had that, and it's really hard. I don't just want somebody to call to hang out with, I want somebody to want to hang out with ME. To call me when they're excited about something or worried about something. And left and right people are getting boyfriends, fiances, husbands, and those people are their WORLD. They come first. Which, I get it, I'll probably be that way, but helloooo please make time for some other people!
It's so weird going from 3 years of having really close friends, and then to having 4-5 years of no friends. I'm hoping that when I become a teacher, I will be friends with the other teachers I work with over a longer period of time if we all stick around. Anyways, I really struggle with not having really close friends, and I'm hoping this drought of good friends will only last one more year. And maybe in another 10 years this will just be another part of my story, another part of what changed me. However, I'm in it now and it's not cool!
Monday, March 15, 2010
A little of this and a little of that
My roomate Leslie got engaged on Thursday! She and her fiance met on eharmony. So did her mom and her new husband. Leslie and David will be getting married mid July so she has a very short time to plan a wedding! She will then be moving to Knoxville, TN to live with David. He is a music misnister at a church. She is applying to jobs up there since she teaches elementary school. I will be moving back home for at least two years.
I have a full time baby-sitting job lined up for the summer. 3-4 days a week, 7 AM-6PM (and it's 40 min from my house). I'll also be a chaperone on the high school youth trip to a conference in TN for a week in July, and visiting my grandparents in NC and Maryland as well as my dad's cousin and his family in NC for a week in July. I'm so ready for summer!!!
I've been doing field experience at the preschool still. It reconfirms that I will never teach preschool. Play with and baby-sit them - yes. Teach them - no. Teachers keep saying, "There aren't that many jobs out there, so some of you will have to take preschool jobs." Uh, well no, you could take another part time job that is not in teaching. Sure it would stink, but I'd rather work at like a bookstore or something again then work at a preschool.
Baby-sitting is going well. I'm not really able to do homework during that time like I thought I'd be able to, but oh well.
Some friends from church have been letting me borrow the TV series, "Friends" because I had never watched it before and they said it was so good. It took me a while to get into it, but once I did it's been good! There are 10 seasons and I just started on season 6 tonight. Ok, one thing though - I know it's TV and it's unrealistic, but in the TV show there are so many times when guys just see a pretty woman across the room or on the bus or something and they ask them out and the girl says yes. Does that actually happen??? I mean if a guy was really good looking and nice and we had a good conversation and randomly asked me out, I might say yes, but I don't think guys really do that. Or maybe I'm just clueless.
My dancing class has been going better - we're doing ballroom dancing now. It's not as strenuous so that's good. My math class has still been insanely hard. This week I sign up for TOSS - a program where you are taught how to teach each subject (how to teach math, how to teach science, etc) and also help out in the classroom part time. It will start in August. Then student teaching is next January. I'm SO CLOSE to being done, ahhhhh!!!
I've had lunch/starbucks/conversations with people in the past month that have been really good. Maybe it's a girl thing, but good conversations keep me going. They re-energize me, make life seem better, and gives me something to look forward to. Not the "oh look, it's raining outside" or "what did you think of the math test" conversations, but the ones where you talk about what's going on in your life, your goals, fears, dreams, family, school, church, work, books you've read, movies you've watched, just tons of stuff. It's funny because there are times when I'm sitting with someone and have the chance to talk to them but have absolutley nothing to say and my mind is blank. And it frustrates me because I want to talk. And other times or with certain people, it's like I can't stop talking. And after we're done with our conversation, I think of more things I wanted to tell them or ask them. Ha. So, I am thankful for those people who listen and have those conversations with me. It makes life good.
I have a full time baby-sitting job lined up for the summer. 3-4 days a week, 7 AM-6PM (and it's 40 min from my house). I'll also be a chaperone on the high school youth trip to a conference in TN for a week in July, and visiting my grandparents in NC and Maryland as well as my dad's cousin and his family in NC for a week in July. I'm so ready for summer!!!
I've been doing field experience at the preschool still. It reconfirms that I will never teach preschool. Play with and baby-sit them - yes. Teach them - no. Teachers keep saying, "There aren't that many jobs out there, so some of you will have to take preschool jobs." Uh, well no, you could take another part time job that is not in teaching. Sure it would stink, but I'd rather work at like a bookstore or something again then work at a preschool.
Baby-sitting is going well. I'm not really able to do homework during that time like I thought I'd be able to, but oh well.
Some friends from church have been letting me borrow the TV series, "Friends" because I had never watched it before and they said it was so good. It took me a while to get into it, but once I did it's been good! There are 10 seasons and I just started on season 6 tonight. Ok, one thing though - I know it's TV and it's unrealistic, but in the TV show there are so many times when guys just see a pretty woman across the room or on the bus or something and they ask them out and the girl says yes. Does that actually happen??? I mean if a guy was really good looking and nice and we had a good conversation and randomly asked me out, I might say yes, but I don't think guys really do that. Or maybe I'm just clueless.
My dancing class has been going better - we're doing ballroom dancing now. It's not as strenuous so that's good. My math class has still been insanely hard. This week I sign up for TOSS - a program where you are taught how to teach each subject (how to teach math, how to teach science, etc) and also help out in the classroom part time. It will start in August. Then student teaching is next January. I'm SO CLOSE to being done, ahhhhh!!!
I've had lunch/starbucks/conversations with people in the past month that have been really good. Maybe it's a girl thing, but good conversations keep me going. They re-energize me, make life seem better, and gives me something to look forward to. Not the "oh look, it's raining outside" or "what did you think of the math test" conversations, but the ones where you talk about what's going on in your life, your goals, fears, dreams, family, school, church, work, books you've read, movies you've watched, just tons of stuff. It's funny because there are times when I'm sitting with someone and have the chance to talk to them but have absolutley nothing to say and my mind is blank. And it frustrates me because I want to talk. And other times or with certain people, it's like I can't stop talking. And after we're done with our conversation, I think of more things I wanted to tell them or ask them. Ha. So, I am thankful for those people who listen and have those conversations with me. It makes life good.
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