There are things in life that are black and white - wrong and right. Unfortunantly satan still attacks in those ways where we clearly know something is wrong. No doubt. But he also attacks in ways that are less abrasive but just as dangerous.
Recently I read a book called, "Hearing God," by Dallas Willard, and it was good. Now I'm reading a book called, "You're Made for God-Sized Dreams," and it's also really good. And in the MIDDLE of me reading these books, I have 1. fallen asleep when I didn't really mean to, 2. suddenly wondered if there were youtube videos of people in tornadoes and yes, there were, 3. just got lazy and didn't feel like reading anymore, 4. decided to go eat instead, 5. got on facebook instead, 6. probably a bunch more things I can't remember. It was a sudden disinterest in the book, not because it was boring, but because I just got distracted and other things stepped in the way. Or sleepiness suddenly hit me like a brick. And all those things kept me from reading it.
OR instead of being physically distracted I was mentally distracted. Suddenly all the lies in the world pop into my head - that God won't answer my prayers, that I will never get what my heart desires, that I am not good enough for certain jobs, that I'm wasting life away working at Starbucks, that helping with the high school girls hasn't actually reached any of them, and that there's something wrong with me for whatever reason I'm thinking of right then. Like a wave of depression or hopelessness I get sucked into the idea that other people in life will get what they want and desire, and I will never get those things. That I will never hear God, that He won't use me, and that I won't be important - just floating through life without a purpose.
There are things in life that I have no control over and can do nothing about. Nor can anyone have real advice for me. And in those things it can only be God who gives me ideas, points me to things, brings things to me, or acts in a way that I cannot. I think that when God finally does act in those areas, there will be no doubt that HE did it, and ALL glory will go to Him because I won't be able to say, "Yeah, I did it," or "So-and-so told me."
I thought of the story with Jacob wrestling with an "angel" or God or whoever it was, and how he said he wouldn't let go until God blessed him, and then He did. Me and God, we're wrestling. I am fighting with knowing what to pray for, wanting to give up praying for things, and not being sure what I'm supposed to do in anything. Sometimes it's a fight to not just shut down, and sometimes I do. This morning during the youth time, the middle school youth pastor referenced to a butterfly breaking out of its' cocoon, and how if you helped it, it wouldn't be able to fly. It has to struggle to get out in order for its' wings to fully develop and then fly. Perhaps that is me. Perhaps God is saying, "Keep on because when this is over, you will fly." Not that He's just sitting around watching me struggle, but that He knows what's happening and lets it happen.
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