2020 recap / look back

It's December?! What a bizzaro year. But, let's start the recap now, even though there's a month left of 2020. 

Decisions I made/Goals: 
-To buy a tiny house! (And land.) Goal: Move in December 2021 or January 2022. 

Places I went: 

-Lake Charles, Louisiana for hurricane cleanup 

-Cleveland, Tennessee to visit a friend for the weekend 

-Alabama for a middle / high school youth camp 

-Lots of new coffee shops 

-Spent the day at my friends' house in Jasper, GA for New Year's Day and my birthday 

Best TV show I watched this year: Stargirl on CW - and it's shot in Dallas, GA!

New things I did this year: 

-Led a women's Bible study from August to December 

-Got a new iPhone 

-Got a nicer new car (because a deer hit my car in March and it got totaled) 

Other noteworthy happenings: 

-I've been working from home for 9 months now, only going in to the office one day a month, and no return date in sight 

-My friends Anna and Wilfredo both moved far away this year. :-( 

-We got a puppy, Lucky, in August when he was only 3 months old

-We had youth weekend in October 

My favorite times were times spent with friends. Sitting in the living room until 1 AM talking. Sitting in coffee shops. Standing in parking lots. Long phone conversations. 

For as crazy as 2020 was, it still turned out way better than I could have imagined. 

Friends

Currently I'm in a place where most of my friends are not in the same stage of life with me, and it is beautiful and challenging and surprising. Let me give some examples. I'll start from the youngest and go up. 

There's a girl at church who is 15. We both went to Louisiana with 16 other people on a mission trip, and I shared a room with her and another girl who was 14. And for some reason we just clicked. We laughed and talked and I felt like we were the same age. It was weird. Then when we came back home and there was a youth event, I was her small group leader and I said to her in the lobby later, "It's weird because I felt like we were equals on the Louisiana trip and now I'm your leader." But, we still talk at church and she's awesome. 

I had coffee and dinner - in that order - with two guys in my young adults' Bible study that are both 22. They both just finished college. Although I'm 10 years older than them, we had great conversations and I enjoyed our time. Again, age didn't seem to matter. 

I have three sets of friends with 4 kids each (one of them with their 5th on the way) - one are just a few years older than me, one are late 30's, and one early 40's. Their kids range from baby up to 16. With some, I have dinner with them and their kids, some I do Bible study with, some I do ministry with. They are some of my best friends. 

At work I have a friend who is in his late 40s, married with 2 teenagers, and we have good conversations. I also really like both of my bosses that are early 40's and mid 40's - both women that are married with 1 and 2 kids. 

I'm thankful for friends of all different ages and walks of life. 

Thankful

I want to be thankful for every season I'm in. It's easy to look back at times that were good, or to look ahead to other times I think will be good. 

I'm thankful for my job that I like. In January it will be two years which feels crazy! I'm thankful this is the job I have for a pandemic - working at Starbucks with a mask on all day is not where I'd want to be. I'm thankful for the people I work with. I miss working with them in person, and currently when I go in once a month it is a joy to see those that I get to see! 

I'm thankful for my friendships with some people at church that I do ministry with. Even when I see some of them 3 days a week that's not even enough for me and I never take them for granted. 

I'm thankful I have a good car now, and that I can go places -  even if I'm going by myself. 

I'm thankful for friends that are married that let me come have dinner with them and their families, for inviting me in. (Or letting me invite myself in! Haha.) 

I'm in a unique place with friendships right now... which I feel like should be a different blog entirely. Which I'll write in a minute. HA. 

I'm thankful for my parents and that I didn't have to live quarantine months alone. 

Hi. I'm imperfect, and so are you.

When I was younger, I struggled with the concept of wanting to be - or at least appearing to be - perfect. I was a preacher's daughter, under close inspection. I was a baby-sitter, I helped with the student ministry, I wanted to become a teacher... I didn't want to be fired from jobs, didn't want shame to be brought to my family, didn't want people to talk bad about me or look down upon me. 

My "perfect" lifestyle was broken by a series of events that I eventually told my close friends. They loved me, prayed with me, and walked me through stuff multiple times. There I was, broken, and still loved. Not that I felt free to sin more, but I felt free to be honest more. As it should be in the church. 

I'm in a job where it's obvious when someone makes a mistake -no point in hiding it - through emails that are forwarded quickly, math that is shown to be incorrect when multiple people review it, or if I forgot something then it is brought to my attention. I've learned to apologize when I made the mistake, but literally everybody makes them, so most of the time we all have grace for each other, and I don't feel like a terrible person for making those mistakes. So when someone else replies all to 300 people, I just shrug and move on with my life, because there's a chance I might reply all one day too. You know? 

But there are the few people in life who are still trying to live their perfect image and reach perfection, and if you have anything to do with them, they critique you and are mad that you aren't perfect too. How DARE you mess up. How DARE you have typos. How DARE you do something that might offend one person (but probably not). You might as well do nothing and let them do everything. And the fear creeps in in even the smallest of things. Will this person be mad again? Will this person tell me I messed up again? Will this person get mad that I put 6:00 instead of 7:00? Will this person only see my flaws and nothing else? Will I have to sit through another lecture or another rant? The younger me who fought to be perfect shows up again saying yes, you have to be perfect, see? If you aren't, serious consequences are coming. It's not even about impressing people or wanting them to like me, it's about avoiding their anger and scolding and disappointment and judgement. And as much as it sounds like you just shouldn't have anything to do with people like that, life just doesn't work that easily. Those are people you can't avoid. It's just a matter of how you respond. I would say it's not likely that they will change, but I changed. But, I just don't think I'm the one to change some people. I won't be heard or understood. Some people take constructive criticism really well, and some just don't at all. 

Seemingly reaching perfection is boasting about yourself and your abilities. You want people's focus to be on how great you are, not how great God is. Yes, you want to do all things to the best of your ability because we are to work as if we are working for God and not for man. But when it looks like you have no flaws, those with flaws don't want to come near you with theirs. When you are honest and show your imperfection, it allows others to come near and say, "Me too. I thought I was the only one." Again, it's not the allowance for laziness or carelessness or purposefully sinning. It's the ability to give yourself grace instead of beating yourself up and having low self-esteem. It's the ability to give others grace instead of being angry that they aren't meeting your standard. It's the freedom to go about your life without the fear of everyone being angry at you. 

Quarantine times

I think this is day 54 of quarantine. The end of the 8th week. I know that I am working from home until at least the end of May, and at that point they will reevaluate. Monday was the first time I went to a friend's house (my friend Mallory) and actually hugged her and didn't worry about quarantine. And then yesterday I sat outside in the driveway for an hour and a half about 10 feet away from my friends the Bakers, and my nose and arms got sunburned. My birthday is next week - 32 - and I might have some people over to do the same.

In this state of slowness, I know that when we DO all go back to church and work and events and celebrations, it's going to be reverse culture shock. I know that some people haven't slowed down even in all of this, because now on top of working from home they are also having to homeschool their kids, or figure out how to do their job differently.

Over the next 3 weeks I'm getting my first cavity filled, my yearly eye appointment done so I can finally get more contacts, and buying a new (used) car.

I miss my office at work. I miss some of my coworkers and saying hello to them every day. I miss the routine and the accomplishments. I miss church and bible study in person, my friends, hugs, sitting in coffee shops or their living rooms for hours, and celebrations. I miss holding my friends' newborns that have been or are about to be born. I miss taking pictures. I miss our youth planning meetings at church.

An abrupt halt.

Things have been busy as of late. I went to Chattanooga and Cleveland TN to visit a friend a few weekends ago and that was great. I've spent time with some friends I haven't seen in a long time. My dad had a 25th anniversary service at his church for being a pastor there for 25 years.

I had lots of photography jobs lined up for the next few weeks... that will all be cancelled. Along with many other things with everybody else in the world.

Today was my first day working from home for an amount of time that is unknown. I would say 30 days minimum. When I first heard that number on Friday I thought there's no way. But now I believe it. Easter is going to be cancelled. Youth events are cancelled. Trips are cancelled. As my friend Emily said, I'm "pre-missing" people. People at church and work alike.

There are many times I'm frustrated by how busy people are. They choose to stay so busy that they can't spend time with people. They choose to stay so busy that they don't have time for God. What does it take to get people to stop? What does it take to get people to come back to God? I'm not saying that God caused the coronavirus, but I can guarantee He is going to use this for His glory. He's going to put up His protective hand and block us in - we see it as frustrating, and He sees it as protective. We see it as social-distancing, He sees it as quality time with Him. We see it as slow and drab, He sees it as rest, breathing, and realignment. That is, of course, if we don't just fill all our time at home with entertainment. It's still a decision to spend time with Him, but now circumstances are giving you no excuse.

For this crazy moment in time, the world has stopped. I already miss people. I'm already sad for the things that were cancelled. I'm a planner with no plans, and my quality time and physical touch have been taken away (except with my parents). But I want at the end of this to say WOW, God did big things. God spoke, and I listened. And I pray the same for everyone else.