Later

There are times in my life when I asked the Lord for something, and was sad when it didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I didn't "hear" God say no, but the circumstances determined it. But sometimes the Lord gave me a YES to that same thing in a much better way! And looking back I see it. And it's beautiful. It's a reminder of the way He can still work in my life now and for all of my life to come.

Scenario one. Once upon a time, when I was in college, I went to a church that started a young adults' worship service every Sunday night. I was excited to help plan it and be on leadership for it. But what I really wanted to do was sing. It had been years since I had sung in a worship setting and I missed it. I felt like it was a gift the Lord had given me that I wasn't using. But there was a new girl - I'll call her Jessica even though she's never going to read this- and she sang well, and was put in charge of the whole band. Fine, I didn't want to be in charge by any means. But she didn't want me to sing. She would have me only sing harmony in a chorus every few songs. Never songs to sing on my own. And not even sing during the verses, she just wanted me to stand on stage. She literally said, "You're up here to make me sound good." OH OK. Not the Lord? Ok. 

I was livid. And only a few people cared. So I quit and said I didn't want to just sing harmony on one song a week. That's crap. So I helped set up and tear down, and she practiced before hand so I had to listen to Jessica practice. I cried more than I can remember. Then one night, I stood in the lobby and met a new girl, and sat with her, and talked to her after as well. She said, "I'm so glad you talked to me - I didn't know if anyone would." There was a moment when I felt like the Lord said, "See, I needed you out here more than I needed you on stage." I was ok. I could breathe again. 

A few years later, at a different church, I got to sing worship songs again for our young adults' worship nights. I got to sing whole songs by myself, and with others. And better than that, I LOVED all of the people I was singing with! It made rehearsals beautiful too. I was so thankful for those years, and knew that I would have been miserable singing with the other group even if Jessica was forced to let me sing. 

Scenario two. I was attending a big church, with lots of staff and lots of interns. Some of the interns were paid. I volunteered with a lot at the church, but had hoped to get a paid internship to cut back on working full time at Starbucks. There were several things I wanted to do - help with the social media, help with students, and with video/photography. I was already volunteering with all of those except social media. But other people were picked and/or were already in those positions. 

I was only at that church for a year, and at the end of that year it went south real quick. A lot of craziness happened, and a big group of us left. Some to other churches, and some to the church I'm at now, Vertical Life Church. I have been there for 5 years. About 6 months in to going there I started taking pictures for everything there. Two years ago I started running the church Facebook page and going to staff meetings. And in February of this year I started getting paid part time for administrative work for the students, and still for photography and Facebook. One guy I work with now I would have also been working with at the other church, but the rest are all new. And I love love love all of the people on staff and who are interns! It's been such a blessing. So even if I had gotten paid at the other church, it wouldn't have been that long, and I know I wouldn't be as close with everyone there as I am at VLC. 

Those are just two times God didn't allow something I was praying for, because He wanted to say yes later under better circumstances. 

Lonely

A common thread through all of life and all different people's lives is loneliness. It's such a weird thing. I can see it and explain it in my own life and in other people's lives, but its hard to fix.

Some people are lonely because they...
-don't have many friends
-have lots of friends but they are too busy/their friends are too busy
-are single
-are in a relationship / married but there's distance between them
-are stay at home moms who stay at home too much
-have lots of kids and not enough adult times
-are new at church and haven't been able to make connections yet
-work too much
-aren't included when their friends hang out that often
-hear lots of silence or "no"s when they invite people to get together
-are too busy
-can't commit to things or over commit to things... or their friends are one of those
-battle sickness that springs up quickly and randomly
-have different hobbies than their friends so they don't really want to join in
-have depression, it's that time of the month / PMS, or something of that nature
-are believing the lies of the enemy that strike at any time
-are living long term in another country for mission work and can't find strong Christians
-experience a lot of quantity time with people but not enough quality time
-aren't being loved in a way that fuels their love language

You would think that if you could just get enough people in your life on a regular basis, that you wouldn't feel lonely anymore. There's so many factors - from personalities, to love languages, to stages of life - that it's hard to "cure."

I know that God is the only one who can fill you up and make you not lonely. However, for some reason He allows us to be anyways. Part of it can stem from, "It's not good for man to be alone," (Genesis 2:18) and He has good plans for marriages, friendships where iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), building up the body of Christ together allows everyone's different gifts and talents to work together... There's the part where we are to be alone with the Lord, and there's a part where we "shouldn't give up meeting together regularly" (Hebrews 10:25). There's part of us that is aware that earth is not our homes, and we long for restoration.

Sometimes feeling lonely can last for years, sometimes it comes and goes, and then everything in between. Sometimes you can swing from being lonely to really filled up and NOT lonely in just a few days. Sometimes you can fix it, and sometimes you can't.

So then if you can't fix it, it becomes trying to find coping mechanisms. Escaping reality through drinking, watching TV, video games, reading, sleeping too much, etc. Staying extra busy. Or really nothing at all - just wallowing in it.

I wish I could fix everyone's loneliness, but I can't even fix my own sometimes. It's inevitable. It's life. Some just feel it more than others, some longer than others, some stronger than others.