Is this the last time?

Sometimes you know when the last time you do something is. And sometimes there’s no way of knowing. Valentine’s Day was this past week, and I’ve never really been one of those “I’m so mad I’m single on Valentine’s Day” because it’s simply a day. But I did wonder… What if this was my last Valentine’s Day being single? Because in the course of a year, a lot can happen. Not saying I would be married this time next year, but someday will be my last Valentine’s Day being single, and I won’t have even known it until the next year. Same for anything really. Like what if this year I had a boyfriend and got engaged, and didn’t know that this past Christmas was my last one at my current church? What if last year’s trip to Kenya was the last one I went to single, since I’m not sure what year I’m going back again, and I didn’t know it? Honestly it crossed my mind while I was there. But of course, there’s no way to know.

Or maybe I’ll get a new job this year, and December was the last insane December at Starbucks. And I won’t have known it.

It’s hard to imagine those things because of the 6 years I’ve been at Starbucks and the 30 years (in May) that I’ve been single… not that my first 13 years really counted as being single, hahaha… and so the concept of those things changing don’t really compute well in my brain. They both sound as far away as retiring, or dying of old age. These people who say that life is short or that time flies, I’m not sure what they’re doing to make them think that. I feel like it’s the movie Ground Hog Day a lot of times.

Don’t get me wrong – right now in my life I am happy with a lot of things! Church is good, we’re about to start small groups, I always enjoy taking pictures, I love getting together with friends, my new boss is great, I’m excited about going on a mission trip to South Dakota in a few weeks, I’m planning some other trips for this year, and more. I’m trying to enjoy this “season” of my life and “make the most of where I’m planted.” Insert all the cliché quotes here. But the underlying desires don’t simply go away. They just sit underneath it all.